If you call having three point one million subscribers famous.
“Wait, I know you,” the guy says. “You were on the news. Everybody is talking about the two YouTube stars who eloped to Vegas and are documenting their road trip.”
“Oh, my God!” the girl screams again. “Am I going to be in your vlog?”
“Sure,” Kale tells her. “Do you think you can film us while we cliff dive? I’d hate to not have it recorded.”
“Yes!” her eyes get big as Kale passes her the waterproof camera he has hung around his neck. He turns to me. “Ready, baby?”
Baby.
I hate the way that word makes my stomach tighten. I know he’s just saying it because they’re with us, but I still like the way it sounds... it makes this feel more real. Like we’re on a real honeymoon.
Or, maybe my stomach tightens because of the fact that I’m about to jump off of a cliff into the water.
“No,” I answer.
“Too bad,” he says.
We both get into the water. The guy tells us where to climb up and we start swimming over. It’s hard to swim with a life jacket on, but at least if I hit my head and die on the way down they won’t have to drain the lake looking for my dead body. I’ll be floating right on top.
We climb to the top. There is a ledge lower down, but Kale keeps going. I follow him up to the very top.
I look over from the ledge.
I think I’m going to be sick.
“If I die, tell Mom, Dad, and Jason that I love them,” I say.
Kale rolls his eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”
“I wasn’t kidding.”
“Juliet, hold my hand,” Kale says, holding out his hand for me.
I grab his hand.
I like holding his hand. It helps calm my nerves, just a little. I mean, how calm can I be? I’m terrified of heights.
This seemed like a much better idea when I was in my room, safely on the ground.
“On the count of three,” he says, not giving me time to back out. “One—two—three.”
And we jump.
I scream the whole way down.
I land feet first in the water and go under a little before my lifejacket forces me back up. When I come up, I see Kale there. He has a huge grin on his face.
“You did it!” he says.
“That was fun,” I say.
I faced my fear and I conquered it.
In that moment, I realize I am lucky. Most people don’t know when they’re going to die. A lot of people die instantly—in car crashes, or in their sleep. Maybe they drop dead of a massive heart attack. But not me. I have just under six months left to live and I know it. I think everybody should face death, just once, so they can do the things that they were scared to do. The things that once upon a time would’ve terrified them, but it doesn’t matter when you’re facing the end of it all.
Everybody needs a Kale Johnson in their life to help them achieve their bucket list too.
7 p.m.
Not caring feels really good.
Kale and I decide to get a hotel that night, because the humidity in Arkansas is real.
Like, I feel like I may die of a heat stroke.
Wait, that’s a real thing, right?
After cliff diving, Kale and I took our jet ski back to the marina and then we rode around with the guy and his family in that boat. His name is Christopher Ayres. His wife is Elizabeth. And they have three kids—Hannah, Kaylee and Anthony. Hannah and Kaylee both are avid watchers of my videos, and Anthony loves watching Kale’s videos. Especially his prank videos.
Boys.
After riding around in the boat, and even riding on the inner tube, they invite us back to their campsite. They are staying in a camper trailer. But we sit around outside, eat pizza, talk, and play Uno.
“Uno,” I say, looking at my one blue card.
Kale is determined for me not to win.
By the time it gets back to me, somehow it’s still blue. I slap my card down.
“Yes!” I yell, because I’ve lost seven games so far.
Yep.
SEVEN.
I do a little victory dance and when I look up, Kale has a camera pointed at me. I don’t stop dancing. In fact, Hannah and Kaylee join me. And we dance, even though there is no music. And we laugh.
Tonight, here in Arkansas, is magical. It might possibly be the best day of my entire life.
I hear Kale saying something to the camera, but I’m laughing so hard that I can’t hear him.
The mom, Elizabeth, gets up and joins us. She’s a terrible dancer, but it’s hilarious. We laugh even harder. And before too much longer, Kale, Christopher, and Anthony get up too. Sure, people in nearby campsites might think we’re drunk, but for once in my life, I don’t care what anybody else thinks about me.
Not caring feels really good.
Later on that night, Kale and I are lying on the grass, looking up at the stars. We’re not ready to go back to the hotel just yet.
“Kale,” I say.
“Yeah?”
“Today was the best day of my entire life,” I tell him.
He looks over at me. “Me, too, Juliet.”
“I wish I would’ve been this brave before.”
“You’re making me braver,” he says.
“We’re you scared?” I ask.
“Of cliff jumping?”
I nod.
“A little,” he admits.
“You didn’t look scared.”
“I was being brave for you,” he says. “That cliff was a good thirty-five feet. I seriously thought I was going to vomit.”
I giggle. “But you always go skiing with Jason.”
“Skiing down the side of a mountain is one thing,” he says. “Jumping off a cliff is another.”
“True,” I say. I’ve been skiing quite a few times in my life—it’s a given when you live in Idaho. I was never scared to do that, though I didn’t exactly ski any crazy slopes. I always did the ones for beginners and intermediates. Kale and Jason are the ones who did the extreme ones. In fact, Jason broke his arm when he was fifteen on one of those slopes. He cried like a baby, too. And I did what any good sister would do. I took a video of him crying and put it on YouTube.
“Taking this trip with you has changed my life. I mean, we’re only nine states in and I can already tell. Nothing will ever be the same again,” he says, then grabs my hand. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I don’t want to live without you.”
“Yes, you do,” I say. “You have so much to live for. Someday, you’ll find a girl to marry that you’re actually in love with. And you and she can finish my bucket list together.”
Even as I say the words, my heart stings at the thought of Kale being married to another girl. Which is silly, because he’s not really mine. He only married me because of my bucket list.
“No,” he says. “If something happens to you before we finish it, I will do it by myself. Besides, I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with anybody else. Nobody can compare to you, Juliet.”
I smile at his words. I know he’s just saying it to make me feel better, but I don’t care. I love every single thing he’s saying. If I weren’t dying, I could truly see myself falling in love with him. But I am dying, so I can’t even entertain that thought.
“Kale, I know I shouldn’t have asked you to do all this,” I say. “It’s too much. But thank you for doing it with me.”
“You didn’t ask me. I asked you,” he says. “And I don’t regret one second of it.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve been praying. I’ve never really prayed before,” he says. “But I’ve been asking God to spare your life. I don’t want you to die.”
“Why would you want that? We got married, Kale. You’d be stuck with me then.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Don’t worry,” I say, turning on my side to look at him. “If God does answer your prayer, I wouldn’t ma
ke you stay married to me. It wouldn’t be fair to ask that of you.”
“Is that what you would want?” he asks.
“No,” I answer. “I mean, I never imagined getting married at nineteen years old. But if a miracle does happen, I wouldn’t want to undo this thing between us. I think if I wasn’t dying that I could probably fall in love with you very easily.”
A couple of weeks ago, I never would’ve said something like that. But I guess when you’re dying, you somehow become brave. You can say things that maybe you were too scared to say. And I’ve never felt braver in my life.
“Good,” he says. “Ready to go to bed?”
“Yeah.”
He stands and then helps me up.
Marrying Kale might be the most impulsive thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the best decision I’ve ever made.
Out of everything on my bucket list, he’s my favorite.
Thursday, June 9
Don’t tell.
On Thursday morning, I am woken up by an intense pain in my stomach. I look at the clock on the nightstand and it says it’s only one in the morning. I quietly sit up on my bed, not wanting to wake up Kale.
The pain will pass.
It has to pass.
But it doesn’t. The longer I sit there, the worse it gets.
I decide to walk to see if the pain will get better, but I can’t even stand up the pain is so intense.
My heart starts accelerating.
This is it.
I’m about to die.
I grab onto the nightstand and force myself to stand up. I walk a little ways before my legs give out. I bump into the table, knocking it over.
“Juliet,” Kale says, in a sleepy voice. I hear him jump out of bed. “Juliet! What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I...” I grab onto my stomach. “I’m hurting.”
He runs over to the nightstand to grab something. His phone I presume.
“Kale,” I say, my voice is barely a whisper. I’m in too much pain to talk any louder.
“What?” he asks, as he punches something into his phone.
“Please don’t tell my family,” I say.
3 p.m.
Nineteen years isn’t enough.
I spend the day in the hospital getting all kinds of tests. They get my medical records from LA. And I’m hooked up to all kinds of needles and machines. I suppose I should get used to it. This is my future.
They gave me some strong medicine, so they pain is gone. I’m glad for that, but I hate the medicine. It makes me sick to my stomach.
A middle aged doctor walks in. He’s probably in his late thirties. He’s got nice hair, like one of those doctors on a medical show.
“I’m Dr. Sanchez,” he tells me. “I’m the cancer specialist.”
“I already know. I’m stage four. Have six months to live. Well, a little less than that now,” I say.
Kale, who is standing beside me, grabs my hand. I can see him flinch when I say six months to live. I know that I shouldn’t have brought him along, but I’m so glad he’s here right now.
“The thing is, the cancer doesn’t look as bad as it did during your first scan,” he says.
Hope bubbles up inside me. “Does that mean I have a chance?”
The frown on Dr. Sanchez’s face is the only answer I need. “I’m sorry. It’s not good. The chances of surviving this are one in a hundred. You need a miracle. But, I also think you have a little longer than six months to live. You’re a fighter, Juliet Johnson. I can see that.”
“How long?” I ask.
“I would say nine months to a year, but you may live less or more,” he answers. “Things change day by day. I’m going to send the scans to your doctor in LA. He should help you get a better timeline. But in the end, how long you live is... up to you.”
I turn to Kale. “I get Christmas. And my brother’s wedding. And possibly my twentieth birthday.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I know he hates seeing me like this.
“I am going to give you a prescription for the pain. Just take it when you need it,” Dr. Sanchez says.
“Am I good to continue on my road trip?” I ask.
“Juliet, no,” Kale says.
“I think it should be fine,” the doctor says. “I’ll tell the nurse you’re ready to go.”
He walks out the door, leaving me alone with Kale.
“Juliet, we can’t go on. You’re sick,” Kale says.
“No. I’m going. I have to.”
“You can’t.”
“I have to, Kale,” I say. “You don’t understand. I’m only going to keep getting sicker. Just because I might have nine months to live now doesn’t mean I’ll be healthy for all nine of those. Today just proved that. I want to continue on the road trip.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Please. I want to get as much done on my bucket list as possible. I want to have a chance to really live before I die,” I tell him. “I promise if it gets to be too much I will tell you. And I feel fine now.”
“Okay,” Kale says, letting out a sigh. “We can go back to the hotel tonight and leave first thing in the morning. That’s what I had planned anyway.”
“Thank you.”
“Yeah,” he says, walking towards the door. “I’m going to step outside for a minute.”
I nod, knowing how he feels.
We have been in this room all day, and I know he was scared for me.
While we’d waited on the ambulance to show up, he’d held me on the floor. He’d cried with me. It killed me to see that. I knew it was hurting him to watch me. I never should’ve asked him to come with me.
That is the reason I can’t tell my family.
I can’t hurt them, too.
But, I can’t bring myself to regret the decision to tell Kale. As selfish as it sounds, I need him right now. I don’t want to be alone. Because the truth is, I’m scared of dying.
Yes, me. The girl who jumped off a cliff yesterday. The girl who sang karaoke in front of a huge crowd in Dallas. The girl who married a guy in Vegas.
Death seems so uncertain. In my mind, I can’t imagine life after death. I was raised in a Christian home, and was taught about heaven. But it’s still scary to imagine. And what if dying hurts? Because what happened earlier today hurt bad.
I want more time.
Nineteen years just isn’t enough.
Friday, June 10
Family.
We drive away from the lake in Mountain Home, Arkansas. I put my feet up on the dashboard. I’m not in pain and I haven’t had to take any medication, but Kale doesn’t want me to drive. He thinks I should relax. He’s treating me like a porcelain doll now, which is rather annoying. But I understand. I hope he gets over it soon.
I pull my list out and mark out all the things I got to do while I was in Arkansas.
2. Go cliff jumping.
32. Ride a jet ski on a lake.
“Which state are we going to next?” I ask him.
“Missouri,” he answers.
“Awesome.”
“So, how are you feeling?” he asks, glancing over at me.
“I’m fine, Kale. Stop worrying,” I say.
“I will never stop worrying about you. You’re my wife.”
“Okay. But I am fine. I promise,” I say. “I’m glad that you care enough about me to worry, Kale. I appreciate all you’re doing. I know this is a lot to ask of you. You have basically given up your life to watch me die.”
“I wouldn’t trade this time with you for anything,” he says, grabbing my hand. He keeps his left hand on the steering wheel. “I am sorry I freaked out yesterday. I guess it didn’t really seem real until then. You’re really...”
Dying.
He doesn’t have to finish the sentence.
“I know,” I say. “I felt the same way. It was the first time that I had ever felt pain.”
“I hate that you were hurting.”
“
My doctor in LA told me I would probably start losing weight soon,” I tell him. “But according to the hospital scale, I’ve gained three pounds. Probably all the amazing restaurants we’ve been eating at.”
“You’ve been eating all vegan food. I can’t believe you’re still on that kick,” he says.
“For some reason, I don’t want to stop. Eating this way makes me feel better,” I tell him. “And most people would probably say screw it, and spend their last few months eating cheeseburgers and French fries, but I want to live as long as I possibly can. I’m just glad I will most likely get to see my brother’s wedding. That means a lot to me.”
“I’m glad you get to be there,” he says, squeezing my hand.
“Kale, one of the things I want to do when we get back to Idaho is plan my funeral,” I say. “And I know that I have no right to ask anything more of you, but will you go with me to the funeral home? This isn’t something I really want to do on my own.”
“Of course,” he says.
He smiles, but I can tell it’s forced.
Kale doesn’t want to talk about me dying. Or think about it.
My phone rings, for which I am grateful.
It’s my brother.
Kale pushes the answer button on the steering wheel.
“Jason, hey!” I answer.
“Hey, Juliet,” he says. “What’s up?”
“Oh, you know. Just road tripping it,” I answer.
“You didn’t upload a video yesterday,” he says. “I thought you guys were going to upload one every day. I missed seeing your adventures.”
“We will upload today,” I say. “We have some awesome footage of us in Arkansas. We just... spent all day indoors yesterday, so there wasn’t anything we could share with the internet world.”
“Gross, Juliet. I so do not want to hear about your honeymoon with my best friend,” he says.
My face grows warm.
The truth is Kale still hasn’t kissed me. There is no honeymooning going on, like, at all. Not even close.
The Bucket List Page 5
