Just great.
Kale laughs.
“I can’t believe you tripped me, fell on top of me, and are now laughing at me,” I say, in mock surprise.
“You know, you’re really beautiful when you don’t wear makeup,” he says. When he looks at me, it’s like he’s seeing through me, and that makes me nervous. I like hiding behind a camera lens. But I can’t hide with Kale. I never could.
I lower my head, my dark brown hair covering my face.
Kale puts a hand under my chin and gently nudges me so I’m looking up at him.
“Don’t do that, Juliet. Don’t hide,” he says.
I don’t say anything. I just look into his beautiful green eyes. My stomach is full of butterflies and my heart is racing.
This feeling is not something I’ve ever felt before. Like, ever.
Oh, my gosh.
I have a crush on Kale.
Kale Johnson! My brother’s best friend.
No. He’s not just Jason’s best friend anymore. He’s my husband now. And I have a crush on him.
“What are you thinking?” Kale asks me.
I don’t answer. I just look at him. To be honest, I don’t think my mouth would work right now, even if I wanted it to.
Kale takes a step closer, and leans his head closer to mine. Before I can even think a coherent thought, his lips touch mine.
This kiss is the kind of kiss I’ve dreamed about my whole life. The kind of kiss where fireworks are going off and my knees are weak. This is the kind of first kiss that, if I weren’t dying, would ruin my lips. I could never, ever kiss another guy and expect to feel anything close to what I’m feeling for Kale.
I also don’t think that this thing between us is just a crush.
I think I’m falling in love with my husband.
Okay, so maybe we did this whole thing backwards. You’re supposed to fall in love and then get married. But Kale and I aren’t like other people.
As excited as I am about this, my heart shatters in that moment as I realize I will never have more than this. We will never move past the “honeymoon” stage of our relationship. We’ll never go house shopping. We’ll never have a baby together. We will never grow old together. This moment is all we will ever have.
I feel tears run down my face, but I don’t stop kissing Kale. Because, even if we only have six months, or nine months, or a year, I will take every single second I can get with him.
This kiss changes everything.
Tuesday, June 14
Leaving Georgia.
1. Kiss a boy.
10. Dance in the rain.
I stare at all the crossed off items on my bucket list, proud of all the things I’ve accomplished. I hear the bathroom door open and Kale walks out. His hair is wet and he smells like manly soap.
“What are we doing today?” I ask Kale, folding up my list.
He opens his mouth to respond, but my phone starts ringing.
It’s my doctor in California.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Can I please speak with Juliet Summers?”
“This is Juliet,” I say, not correcting when they say my old last name.
“This is Dr. Stevens,” he says. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good. I had a scare in Arkansas last week, but I got some pain medicine. I haven’t had to take it yet,” I answer. “I haven’t had any pain, and I haven’t seemed to lose any weight yet. I actually feel pretty amazing.”
Though, that might have something to do with my husband.
“I had the hospital in Arkansas send me your scans, and I would like to see you again,” he says. “How soon can you get here?”
“Well, I’m in Georgia,” I say, biting my lip. “I can head back, though.”
“Great,” Dr. Stevens says. “Do you think you can meet me in my office Friday morning?”
“Yeah, I don’t think that will be a problem,” I say, then ask in timid voice, “Is this meeting a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Honestly, Juliet, I don’t want to get your hopes up, but it’s good,” he says.
“Thanks,” I say. “See you Friday.”
We end the call, and I sit there in stunned silence, looking at my phone.
Good news.
He has good news.
“What’s going on?” Kale asks me.
“My doctor in LA wants to see me,” I answer. “He said he didn’t want to get my hopes up, but that it was good news. I mean, I’m still dying, but maybe he can give me more time or something.”
He nods. “We will go back.”
“We will finish the bucket list,” I tell him.
“I know we will,” he says. “I promise you, Juliet, I will do everything I possibly can to help you finish that list.”
“Maybe after I see my doctor, we can go see my family.”
Kale grins. “I think that’s a good idea.”
We pack all our stuff, and while Kale is loading the car I pull out my bucket list and change something.
28. Write a goodbye letter to everybody I love. Because I’m too chicken to tell them to their face.
28. Tell my family the truth. To their face. Because they deserve to know.
Friday, June 17
We should go.
We make it back to LA just in time for my doctor’s appointment. The drive back, I was mostly just driving through states I had already been. The only new state I got to go to was Oklahoma, which was a very flat state. And you had to pay tolls to use their very bumpy road. It so wasn’t worth it. But the speed limit was seventy-five, which was nice. I set my cruise on eighty, because there were cops everywhere in that stinkin’ state. Also, we waited until Texas before going to the bathroom, because you had to pay to get off the interstate and pay to get back on. It was all very confusing.
When Kale and I arrive at Dr. Steven’s office, we are called back immediately. We are put in a waiting room, so I sit up on the table and Kale sits in the chair. He scoots it closer to me and holds my hand. I like that he holds my hand. I’m nervous about this appointment.
The door opens about five minutes later, and Dr. Stevens smiles when he sees me. “Hey, Miss Summers.”
“Actually, it’s Mrs. Johnson now,” I say, holding out my left hand so he can see the ring.
“Nice,” he says. “Actually, I think I heard about that. You were on the news.”
I smile. “Oh, yeah. Somebody in Arkansas told us about that.”
Dr. Stevens puts up two X-Rays for me to look at. “Do you see the difference?”
I look between the two. “Um, yeah. The one on the left looks worse.”
“Exactly,” he says. “The left one was taken by me. The right one was taken in Arkansas. Your cancer is actually shrinking on its own, which is not something you see every day.”
“What does it mean?” I ask.
“I’m not sure. I’d like to keep you monitored. You’re still bad, Juliet. But...” he taps the X-Ray on the right, “well, we will see.”
And hour later, Kale and I are eating lunch at a vegan restaurant in LA. Kale is not vegan, but I talked him into it. It was funny watching him look through the menu, trying to figure out what everything is. So, I order for him. I order him a vegan burger, knowing he’s probably not ready for anything green. He’s never been an “eat your veggies” kind of guy.
“This isn’t bad,” Kale says, taking a bite of his burger. “I almost can’t tell the difference. Is this made out of beans?”
I nod.
“Huh. Maybe this vegan thing wouldn’t be so bad,” he says.
I am going back to the doctor on the first of July to get some more tests run and to see the progress of the cancer. Neither of us want to talk about that just yet.
“So, do you think we should go to Idaho?” Kale asks me.
And I didn’t want to talk about that.
“Probably,” I say, taking a bite of my zucchini noodles. “I just dread telling them, you know?”
“You two are so cute,” our waitress says when she comes up to our table. “I love it when a man eats vegan for his woman.”
“How do you know I’m not vegan?” Kale challenges her.
She laughs. “Trust me I’ve seen enough couples in here to know.” She points to our drinks. “Can I get you guys a refill?”
“Yes, please,” I say.
She grabs our cups and walks away.
“Maybe I could wait to tell them... after July,” I say.
“I don’t think you should wait any longer,” Kale says.
I sigh. “Yeah, probably.”
The waitress sets our drinks down and walks off towards another table.
“Look, let’s go to Idaho, but I don’t want to tell them right off,” I say. “I want to enjoy some time with my family first. Then I will tell them. I just... want things to be normal for a few days. It’s going to break their hearts.”
“Trust me, I know,” he says, leaning back in his seat.
Kale and I haven’t talked anymore about our kiss on Monday. He did smile when I crossed it off the list, but I think we were both too worried about my doctor visit to think about anything else. I can’t let this define me. I’m more than a stage four cancer patient.
“Kale, thank you. For everything,” I tell him. “I know that this is asking a lot from you, but I appreciate everything.”
“Thanks for letting me be a part of this journey,” he says. “I’m glad you came to me.”
Me, too.
Saturday, June 18
Muffin.
Jason is waiting for us at the airport.
When he sees us, I expect him to punch Kale. Or yell at us. Or anything. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just wraps his arms around me and hugs me like he hasn’t seen me in years instead of just a month.
“I missed you, Juliet.”
“I missed you, too,” I tell him.
“Did nobody miss me?” I hear Kale asks behind me, making me laugh.
Jason pulls away, but when he does I see he has tears in his eyes.
I look at Kale, who is looking down at his shoes.
“You know,” I say to Jason.
Nobody says anything. Jason just pulls me in for another hug. And I let him, knowing that he probably needs this hug. I need this hug, too. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now. I try to imagine our roles reversed, and it hurts too much to even think about it.
He pulls away, this time he has his emotions under control.
“So... you married my best friend,” Jason says.
I nod. “He asked me to marry him on top of the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.”
He laughs. “You always did want to get engaged in France.”
“It was super romantic. I didn’t know Kale had it in him,” I say, mostly joking. I clear my throat. “Does Mom and Dad know?”
“Not yet,” Jason answers. “I only told Miranda.”
Miranda is his fiancé. I am glad he told her. He needed somebody to comfort him.
“I’m sorry I told him, Juliet,” Kale says. “I know I promised I wouldn’t, but I told him that day you went into the hospital in Arkansas. I had to tell somebody.”
“It took everything in me not to hop on a plane that day,” Jason says.
“We still have to finish our road trip,” I say. “I have to. I need to.”
“Maybe we can fly to the rest of the destinations,” Kale says. “I mean, we did go on a long road trip. Maybe the rest can be planned out better. And we can spend a few hours flying there instead of a few days driving.”
“Fine.”
“I want to come, too,” Jason says. “At least to some of it.”
“You want to come on our honeymoon?” Kale asks, in a joking tone.
I laugh, but my face still grows warm. Even though Kale and I haven’t done anything more than kiss, it’s still embarrassing to talk about my honeymoon with my brother.
“Can I see this bucket list?” Jason asks, as we walk out into the parking lot. The air here is so nice, not at all like the humidity in the south.
“Sure,” I say, pulling it out of my back pocket and handing it to him.
Jason grins. “Kiss a boy was the first item on your list?”
“I’m a girl. Shut up,” I say, resisting the urge to hide my face in my hands.
“Can’t help but notice that’s crossed out.”
“Well, I am married.” Yep, still embarrassed. I feel Kale’s hand on my lower back and I scoot closer to him.
“Cliff jumping,” Jason says, smiling. “I saw that on your YouTube channel. That was awesome. I’m so proud of you.”
“It was awesome.”
“Wait, why do you have two number fives?” he asks.
I look at the list.
5. Fall in love.
5. Sing karaoke in front of a huge crowd.
“Well, I wrote down fall in love, but then decided that was cruel. You know, to fall in love and then die. It wouldn’t be fair. So I marked it out,” I say.
Jason frowns, but then keeps reading. “Watch my brother marry the girl of his dreams. Why is that even on the list? Of course you’re going to watch me get married.”
“I...” I start to explain, but I can’t.
Jason looks at me. “No, Juliet. It can’t be that soon.”
“Maybe. I don’t know,” I answer. “The doctor said six months first. But then they changed it to nine months, maybe a year if I’m lucky. So, I’m not sure. If it’s six months from the time the doctor told me, then I definitely won’t make it to your wedding.”
“You will be at my wedding,” he says, pulling out his phone. He pushes a few buttons. “Miranda... Hey... I know... Look, how set are you on January third? ... Yes, I know it’s the anniversary of the day we met... Because Juliet... Um... like, maybe August... Really? ... Sounds good... Love you too, Muffin.”
I turn to look at Kale.
“Muffin?” I ask him.
Kale shrugs.
“Shut up,” Jason says.
I bust out laughing. “I can’t believe you call her muffin. You are so never going to live this down.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “We’re getting married August sixth. So you’ll be there.”
Jason continues reading my list.
“We are going bowling tonight,” Jason says.
We get to his car and Jason gets in. Kale opens the door for me.
“Aw, thanks, muffin,” I tell him.
Jason yells at me, and Kale and I laugh some more.
Yep, pretty much going to make fun of the whole muffin thing for the rest of our lives.
I stop laughing when I realize that it won’t be very long.
1 p.m.
Be serious.
We arrive at Mom and Dad’s house just after one o’clock, and I’m nervous.
I’m not telling them about my diagnosis or my death sentence today, but it’s the first time I’ve seen them since I found out. It’s also the first time I’ve seen them since I ran off to Vegas and married Kale, the boy I grew up with.
Kale holds my hand as we walk inside. He seems completely calm. Of course, when we go see his parents later, he might not be so calm. But then again, I am the only daughter. Mom probably had big plans for my wedding. I crushed her dreams.
“Mom, Dad, we’re here!” Jason yells from the foyer.
We walk into the living room and Jason, of course, goes to the kitchen and looks through the fridge. He hasn’t lived at home for almost a year, but going through Mom’s leftovers is still the first thing he does when he comes over.
“We just ate,” I say.
He pulls out a tupperware container. “Sweet! Lasagna!”
I roll my eyes.
How my brother can eat so much and not be three hundred pounds is mind blowing. If I even smell chocolate, I gain five pounds.
Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic.
<
br /> Mom runs into the room, with a huge smile on her face. “There’s my baby girl.”
She gives me a hug.
You know; the kind of hug that a mom gives her kid after not seeing them for a month.
“How is LA?” she asks. “Are you eating well? You look like you’ve lost weight. You’re not dieting, are you? I already told you, you’re beautiful the way you are.”
“I’m fine, Mom. No dieting.”
“Good,” she says, then looks at Kale. “You talked my daughter into eloping to Vegas.”
“I think Juliet did the talking into,” Jason says, sitting on a barstool, eating cold lasagna. “I mean, have you ever heard anybody tell her no?”
Gross.
“I didn’t even know the two of you were dating, and then I find out you’re married. Did you want to give me a heart attack?” She puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head at us. “And your father... well, just wait until he gets hold of you.”
“Mom...” I groan.
“You’re not pregnant, are you? Is that why you got married in Vegas?” she asks.
My face grows warm. “No. Mom! I’m not pregnant!”
“Oh, thank God,” she says. “Not that I’d be opposed to grandchildren. Especially now that you’re married. Do you think that will happen soon? I mean, I’m a little young for them, but that’s okay. I actually bought the cutest outfit for a baby girl the other day...”
She continues talking, but it only makes me want to cry.
I will never get to have a baby.
Instead of listening, I turn and walk out the front door, because I can’t cry in front of my mom. Then, she would know that something was wrong. I run out the front door and a little ways from the house. I sit down next to a tree and I cry. I cry because I will never know what it’s like to have a baby. I’ve never changed a diaper. I’ll never get to go to an ultrasound and hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. And I’ll never get to tell my husband that we’re having a baby. I’ll never get to go baby shopping with my mom. I’ll never get any of that. I only get now. And I’m trying really hard to be happy about the now part, because that’s more than some people get, but I can’t, when I hear her say stuff like that. I want the more. I want the happy ever after.
The Bucket List Page 7
