Independence Day.
We are in Idaho for Independence Day. We’re spending the whole day on the lake. Mom and Dad rented a pontoon, and we’re out here with Kale’s parents, my parents, my brother, and his fiancé.
Kale, Jason, Tony and Dad are all in the water. Mom and Becky are sitting on the boat. My mom can’t swim and is a bit scared of water. I’m surprised we even got her to come on the boat. But she’s sitting with a lifejacket on, as far away from the water as she can get. Miranda and I are sitting on the edge, with our feet dangling in the water. I’m trying to dry off from swimming, but it’s not doing any good because Jason keeps splashing us.
“Have you heard anything more from the doctor?” Miranda asks me, in a hushed tone.
“No. I have an appointment on Wednesday, though,” I answer. “He wants to do some more x-rays because the scans in Arkansas were different than the ones he took. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but the doctor seemed excited. I mean, I know I’m still dying, but if I can get a few extra months, I’ll be happy.”
“I just wish... I mean, when Jason and I have kids one day...”
“I know,” I say. “I wish I could babysit for you guys. I would have taken them to Disney Land. And I would have spoiled them.”
“I don’t have any siblings,” Miranda says. “You would’ve been the only aunt. Or you will be.”
“Well, they’ll have Kale as an uncle,” I say. “I mean, he would’ve been anyway, because he and Jason are close.”
“Yeah. And because he’s your husband. He was always meant to be,” she says. “You two seem happy.”
“We are,” I say, not able to stop my smile from forming. “When we got married, it was because of my bucket list. But then he told me that he’s always loved me. And somewhere between Vegas and now, I fell in love with him. Maybe I’ve always loved him.”
“I’ve always known he’s had a crush on you. Jason did too, and he hated it,” Miranda says. “But now, he’s happy that you two are together. He wasn’t, at first. He knew something was up, because you’re only nineteen. I mean, when we got engaged last year, you gave us a hard time because of our age.”
“Sorry about that,” I say. “Twenty-one is young, but I was wrong. It’s not too young to get married. Since you’re in love, you shouldn’t wait to get married. You never know how long life will be.”
“True,” she says. “Jason and I don’t want to wait to start our life.”
“I’m excited that you two found each other so young.”
“Me, too,” she says.
“I’m glad you will be there to take care of Jason after I’m gone. Jason, he’s going to be hurting for a while. But you have to help him,” I say. “Don’t let him give up on life. Do whatever it takes to keep him going.”
She wipes a few tears from under her eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Juliet. I already miss you. When you moved to LA, Jason cried. I don’t think he knows that I know. But he cried one night for about an hour, when he thought I was asleep. Then the day he got that call from Kale, he sobbed for two days straight.”
I don’t want to think of my brother crying. I don’t want to think of him missing me; or of any of my family missing me, for that matter. Maybe that’s why I haven’t told the rest of them yet—because I can’t handle it.
“No crying,” I say, putting an arm around her shoulders. “Today is a day of celebration.”
I feel something grab hold of my foot and pull me into the water. As soon as I come up, I hear Miranda squealing as she’s being pulled in as well.
“Jason!” she yells, as she comes up.
“I was almost dry,” I tell him.
“That’s why I’m not sitting on the edge,” Mom says. “I know you too well. You would pull me in.”
“Me?” Jason asks, trying to sound innocent.
I splash him and swim away as quickly as I can. He swims after me, so I swim towards Kale and get behind him. Jason tries to swim around Kale, but Kale won’t let him.
“You’re taking my sister’s side?” Jason asks.
“She’s my wife now,” Kale answers.
“She’s been your wife a lot less than you’ve been my best friend.”
Kale laughs. “Sorry, man. She’s trumps everybody, even you.”
I stick my tongue out at Jason from behind Kale, and Jason just laughs.
“I can’t believe you stole my best friend,” Jason says to me. “Out of all the guys in the world, you had to marry him?”
“I love him,” I say.
Kale smiles at me, then kisses me.
He’s never kissed me in front of my family before.
“Gross,” Jason says.
I love my family.
Wednesday, July 6
Normal.
Kale is holding my hand while we’re at the doctor’s office.
They’ve already done x-rays, and now we are just waiting for my doctor to come in. He is usually pretty fast, but we’ve been waiting a little while today.
“Are you nervous?” Kale asks me.
I shake my head. “What’s there to be nervous about? He’s already given me an expiration date. I already know I’m dying. So, there can’t be anything else that I should be nervous about.”
“Yeah,” he says. “I guess I’m just hoping something will happen and you won’t die. Like, maybe they’ll come up with some kind a cure for cancer.”
“I don’t think that is going to happen,” I say.
The door opens and Dr. Stevens walks in. He’s got an unreadable expression on his face as he sits down.
“Is something wrong?” I ask.
“No.” Dr. Stevens takes a deep breath. “Miss Summers... Mrs. Johnson,” he corrects. “The type of cancer you have is severe. Melanoma is one of the nastiest kinds of cancer there is. The five year survival rate is around fifteen to twenty percent, but even then, most people still die. This is the kind of cancer than keeps coming back, no matter what we do. It's rare for somebody to survive long term. And even in survivors, I have never before seen cancer do what yours has.”
I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
“So, you’re saying that even if I end up surviving past the five year mark, it will come back eventually, and I will die?” I ask. “I mean, it’s not like I have to worry about the five year mark. I was told six months to begin with. So, honestly, I’ll be happy with a year.”
“You might have longer than a year,” Dr. Stevens says. “I can’t explain it, but your cancer is still shrinking.”
“How?” I ask. “I mean, I haven’t done any kind of treatment.”
“That’s what I wondered. When I got the scans from the hospital in Arkansas, I was curious. I looked at your file, and I saw that you’re a vegan. Is that still correct?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “I mean, I thought about not being a vegan anymore, since I’m dying, but I feel so much better eating this way. I figured I may as well have as much energy as possible while I still can.”
“There are studies on cancer treatment on a vegan diet,” he says. “About how eating certain kinds of foods can actually reverse diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and many other incurable diseases.”
“I’ve seen a few studies, but I wasn’t sure,” I say. “I mean, if it were true, wouldn't more people know about it?”
“Well, I’ve been skeptical myself. I’ve had a couple of patients of mine go to an all natural doctor,” Dr. Stevens says. “They weren’t as severe as you, but still, there wasn’t much hope. It worked with one of the patients, but not with the other. Seeing your scans, I’m amazed. I can’t deny the proof that is in front of me.”
“So, you’re saying I might live longer than a year?” I ask.
“I think if you continue doing whatever it is you’re doing, you could live for a while,” he says. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up, Mrs. Johnson, but I think you could live a long, happy life.”
My heart leaps at his words. “Seriously?”
; “There are a few things you need to do,” he says. “Limit time in the sun. When you do go in the sun—use sunscreen. The highest SPF you can get. No lying in tanning beds or lying out in the sun to get a tan. Continue eating whatever it is that you’re eating, because it’s working.”
“I don’t go out in the sun anyway,” I say.
“Good,” he says. “I want to keep a watch on your cancer. I want to see you once every two weeks for a while. If this cancer continues to get better, you will still have to come to the doctor twice a year for scans.”
“I understand,” I say.
“You’re a very lucky girl,” Dr. Stevens says.
“You really think I’m going to live a long, healthy life?” I ask. “Like a normal life?”
“I do,” he says. “Your cancer is literally reversing itself. It’s truly a miracle.”
Wow.
“I am going to give you a referral to a doctor here in LA. He helps treat cancer patients without using any chemo or radiation. You’ll still be seeing me, but I’d like you to talk to him,” he says.
“Okay,” I say. “I’m willing to do anything as long as I get to live.”
Dr. Stevens smiles.
Living sounds pretty great.
4 p.m.
Grow old together kind of thing.
Kale and I have been in shock since we left my doctor appointment. I know I have to call Jason and Miranda, but what do I say?
I was planning for six months to a year of life. Now I have longer. Of course, there are no guarantees in life, and I still have cancer. But the fact that the cancer isn’t killing me is a miracle.
“Let’s fly to Idaho tomorrow,” I say to Kale. “I want to tell Jason and Miranda face to face.”
“Okay,” Kale says. “What about the rest of your family? Are you going to tell them?”
“Yeah, I should tell them. And YouTube. I think it might be good to release the videos I made when I thought I was dying,” I say. “I want to tell them about everything. The whole journey.”
“Good,” he says.
“Also, I want to finish my bucket list. And add to it,” I say. “Now that I know I have more time, there is a lot I still need to do.
“I completely agree,” Kale says.
“I’m going to live.”
He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “That means you’re stuck with me.”
“And you’re stuck with me,” I say, feeling a little nervous. Kale and I got married on a whim. I’m not dying now. What if he feels trapped? What if he regrets marrying me? I mean, he’s only twenty-one. And I’m only nineteen. We’re so young to be married. “Do you regret it, yet?”
“I already told you, Juliet. I want a lifetime with you. I want as many years as I can possibly get,” he says. “I want everything with you—a house, kids, a white picket fence. All of it. I haven’t changed my mind. I love you. I always have. And I always will.”
“And you don’t regret marrying me so young?” I ask.
“No way,” he says.
“I was thinking... maybe we could have a small wedding for my family,” I say. “Our families. You’re an only child. And I know it would mean a lot to your mom if she could see the ceremony.”
“Put it on the bucket list,” Kale says. “We will do it. Whenever you want. I’ll even wear a tuxedo if you want me to.”
I pull out my list. “It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. I just want them there to see, you know?”
33. Get married so my family can see.
“My mom will be happy,” Kale says. “I know it hurt her feelings that she didn’t get to watch us get married.”
“Now that we’re going to tell them about... me... maybe they will understand,” I say. “I just hope my mom isn’t mad at me for not telling her. I was going to, but after your mom and my mom were talking about grandchildren, I couldn’t.”
“We might get to have those grandchildren for them, after all,” Kale says.
“You really don't regret marrying me?” I ask.
“Never,” he answers. “I love you, Juliet.”
“I love you, too,” I say. “But I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to get an annulment. I mean, when we married, you though I was dying. And we haven't consummated the marriage yet, so...”
“I already told you, I have been in love with you for a long time,” he says, then pauses. “Did you want to get our marriage annulled?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Good,” he says.
“So... this is really a ‘grow old together’ thing then, huh?”
Kale smiles bigger than I've ever seen him smile. “It looks like it is.”
Which completely blows my mind.
“Juliet, I am in love with you,” Kale says. “And I know I’ve told you a hundred times before, but I feel like right now, it’s more important for you to know than ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want another sixty years with you. But even that won’t be enough, because it’s never enough with you.”
I don’t know what to say, so I just look at him.
“Let’s get married again for all our families to see,” he says. “Whatever it takes to prove to you that I love you, I’ll do it. It’s not just because you’re Jason’s little sister. You’ve never been just his little sister to me.”
Which makes me smile.
Oh, my gosh.
He really is mine.
Forever.
It doesn’t get any better than this.
“Maybe I am a little selfish for marrying you in Vegas. You deserved a lot better than that and I knew it,” Kale says. “But I wanted to make you mine before you could change your mind. And even though it was selfish, I can’t bring myself to regret it. I hope you feel the same way.”
“I do. Feel the same way,” I say. “Kale, I don’t want this to be just a bucket list item anymore. I just want to be your wife. Completely. We don’t have to have a huge wedding in front of our families for me to want that with you. I want it now.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, Kale kisses me. And I mean, he really kisses me. Not like he did on the beach—all soft, like he was going to break me. He kissed me the way a man kisses the woman he’s in love with. And with that kiss, I gave him every single piece of me that I had been holding back.
And it was amazing.
Thursday, July 7
Tell my family the truth.
I am sitting in front of my computer, about to push play and watch the video that Kale put together. It’s thirty minutes long, the longest video that I’ve ever uploaded to YouTube. But I haven’t published it yet. I’m not going to until I show my family. They have to see it first.
Last night with Kale was... amazing. For the first time, we truly became husband and wife. And I realized that not having had a boyfriend in high school, or even after, and saving my first kiss for him, my first time with him, it was a true fairytale. I’ve never been so happy. So complete. So... loved. And absolutely adored.
I hit play, and feel a nervous pit in my stomach as I see me on the screen. The first shot is me. I’m sitting in my car after my doctor’s appointment. And I’m crying.
“Hi, guys. I don’t even know...” my voice breaks. “I don’t know why I’m recording myself right now. It’s June first and I just got out of the doctor’s office.”
There is a long pause. At least five seconds. Normally, I wouldn’t leave a pause in a video, but I’m glad Kale didn’t cut it out. The emotion on my face... everybody needs to see this.
“I’m dying. The doctor told me that I only have six months left to live, which means I’m never gonna turn twenty,” I say. “I’m never going to really live.”
In the video, I start sobbing.
“There is so much living I have left to do. And I’m not ready to die. Not yet.”
That shot fades to another.
It’s me.
And my bucket list.
“S
o, I’ve had the day to accept the news. I mean, not that I’ve accepted it, yet,” past me says to the camera. “But, I’m working on it.”
I hold up a piece of paper.
“This is the list of things I want to do before I die. And maybe the things are silly, but they’re things I want to do. Things that I need to do.”
Tears fill my eyes as I watch it back. That first day was most definitely the hardest. I’m glad that I have this on film and documented. Maybe this can help somebody else who is, maybe, going through the same thing as I am.
“There are twenty-eight things on this list. And I wish that I could add more. A lot more. But the things on this list are things that I might actually be able to complete in six months.
“Number one on the list is kiss a boy. I don’t know why I’m telling the internet this, but I am nineteen years old and I’ve never been kissed. I guess, what I want to say, is that it’s okay to be nineteen and to have never been kissed. I don’t regret not kissing anybody yet. I just... need to know what it feels like to kiss somebody before I die. Which sounds so silly. Why is it the number one thing on my list?”
Past me gets up to shut off the camera, and the screen fades to something else.
Kale.
His eyes are red and I can tell he’s been crying.
“I just found out that the girl I’ve been in love with since I was a kid is dying,” Kale says. His eyes start to fill with tears. “I have never gotten the chance to tell her how I feel. I don’t know what I was waiting for. Maybe for us to be older. But that was stupid. I wish I had told her a long time ago. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time.”
He wipes the tears from under his eyes, which makes me cry harder.
“I’m going to help her complete her bucket list. Starting with number eighteen. Get married in Vegas. And even though she marked out fall in love, I’m still going to help her achieve that. She might think it’s cruel for somebody to fall in love with her, when she’s dying, but it’s too late. I’m already in love.”
The Bucket List Page 10
