The screen fades to another shot.
It’s Kale, proposing to me.
It fades again.
It’s us, getting married.
Another screen.
Us, singing karaoke.
Another shot.
It’s Kale. He’s in the hallway of the hospital that I went to in Arkansas. His face is pale and his eyes are red. You can tell he’s been crying.
I pause the video for a second so I can take a breath. I knew that all this would be hard on him, but I guess I didn’t realize how hard. He’s been putting on a brave face for me. And it kills me to see just how much I’ve been hurting him. It wasn’t fair of me to ask him to keep this a secret.
I push play again.
“I don’t want to live without her,” he says.
But I can barely even understand what he’s saying because he’s crying so hard.
He just shuts off the camera and the screen fades to something else.
It’s Kale and me.
We’re dancing in the rain. This is when we were in Georgia.
I had no idea he was filming then.
And there is our first kiss.
I am smiling like an idiot.
But then again, so is he.
I can see just how much we love each other. It is plainly written on our faces and the world will see it, too.
That night was the first time I realized that I was in love with him.
The next is us after my doctor appointment when they told me my cancer was smaller... that I had more time. We both looked so hopeful. To get more time with Kale meant everything to me.
Then, there is me, being sung to in Miami. It's the song Kale wrote for me.
There we are on the fourth of July weekend in Idaho. With my brother and the rest of our families.
And then yesterday, after we got the news that I might actually beat the cancer.
“Nothing is certain,” past me says to the camera. “If I somehow manage to beat it now, it could come back in five or ten years. But any amount of time that I can get with Kale, I will take.”
“What do you want to say to your family?” Kale’s voice comes out from behind the camera.
“Just to treat me normally,” I say. “When this started, I had no hope. Six months was all I had. And now the doctor says that I might just be getting a long life. The cancer... it doesn’t matter. I could die in a car crash tomorrow. But I’m not going to let this beat me.”
The video ends, and I have tears in my eyes.
“What do you want to do?” Kale asks.
“Send it to my family,” I answer. “Then we upload it.”
Because, I’m still too chicken to tell my family to their face.
28. Tell my family the truth. To their face. Because they deserve to know.
7 p.m.
Survivor.
Kale and I have had our phones shut off all day. I didn’t want to hear my family’s response. Or the internet world, for that matter. Kale and I just boarded a plane to Idaho Falls, Idaho, and decided to just show up at my parents’ house. What I didn’t expect was for everybody to be there—Jason, Miranda, my parents, and Kale’s parents.
Jason is the one to meet us at the door.
“There is really a chance?” he asks me. “That you’re going to live?”
I nod. “It pretty much makes me one in one hundred, but yeah. I think I might live a long life.”
Jason wraps his arms around me and squeezes me so tightly that I literally can’t breathe.
I love it.
“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” he says.
My mom is behind him.
And she looks like she’s been crying all day.
She cries when she sees me.
I want to be pissed at her. I don’t want to see anybody crying. Seeing everybody so upset makes all of this harder. But she’s my mom. And I love her.
“Mom, please, don’t cry,” I say. “I think I’m going to be okay.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks. “I would’ve gone to the doctor with you. I would’ve been there for you.”
“That’s why,” I say. “I didn’t want anything to change and I definitely didn’t want anybody to act differently around me, or feel sorry for me. I already felt bad enough making Miranda and Jason change their wedding date.”
“You knew?” Mom asks, turning around to glare at Jason.
Jason’s eyes widen.
“I was sworn to secrecy,” Jason says.
“I didn’t tell him,” I say. “Kale did.”
“Because I thought you were going to die at some small town hospital in Arkansas,” Kale says.
I groan. “Oh, my gosh. Okay. Look, it was my decision. I didn’t tell anybody because I didn’t want anybody to know. I know it wasn’t fair to ask Kale to keep it a secret, but I just wanted normal. And if you want me to live, then I need to have normal.”
“She’s right. The doctor told her no stress,” Kale says.
“The cancer is disappearing. The doctor is kind of baffled by the whole thing,” I say. “But the point is I went from having six months, to a year, to possibly another sixty years. And whether I live one more day or a thousand or more days, I want to live it right. And I don’t want to argue with my family. Yes, I should’ve told you, but I needed time to process everything. I’m not sorry that I waited, because the time line was wrong. I would’ve worried you guys for nothing.”
“You’re really going to live?” Mom asks.
“I promise I will give it all I got,” I say. “And, yes. It does seem like I’m going to beat this. I don’t need chemo or radiation or any type of medicine.”
And at those words, all the family seems to calm down.
I’m relieved, because I don’t want them to be scared.
I’m a survivor.
Monday, July 11
Eat a hot dog in Chicago.
Kale and I stopped our phone blackout on Saturday. That is when we went online to read all the messages and comments and tweets that we had. And the response was overwhelming. The amount of prayers and support from fans and even strangers was mind blowing.
Today, Kale and I are in Chicago. Just so I can eat a hotdog.
A vegan hot dog.
But still.
“Where do you want to live?” Kale asks me, as we walk from our hotel to the infamous hot dog place. We asked on Twitter where the best vegan hot dogs were in Chicago, and the number of responses that told us to come here was overwhelming. And it’s only a few blocks away from the hotel where we are staying.
“You mean live permanently?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says.
Which makes me smile. “It’s so weird being married, isn’t it? I went from making decisions on my own to... not. I mean, like, I have to take your feelings into account, too.”
“Weird, right?” Kale asks.
“Very,” I say. “So, why don’t you tell me where you want to live.”
“I don’t know,” he answers. “I mean, there are really good doctors in LA. Doctors you wouldn’t have access to in Idaho Falls. Plus, work is in LA. We would have a lot more opportunities.”
“But our family is in Idaho Falls,” I say, knowing exactly what he is going to say next.
“Exactly,” he says.
“We could always split our time. I mean, we would probably have to stay in my tiny studio apartment if we did that. And have an equally small apartment in Idaho,” I say.
“Or we could just get a better place in LA and stay with our parents when we visit,” he says.
“Do you really want to stay with our parents when we visit Idaho?” I ask.
“Well, we could always just get a hotel every time,” he says.
“There isn’t a hotel close to our parents’ houses,” I say. “We could stay with Jason and Miranda after they’re married.”
“You really want to stay with newlyweds?”
Which makes me smile.
> “We’re newlyweds,” I say.
“Exactly,” Kale says. “Do you think anybody wants to stay with us?”
His words make my face grow warm. “Definitely not.”
Granted, we have only been acting like newlyweds since Wednesday, after the doctor appointment. Before that day, all we did was kiss.
I really like being newlyweds with Kale.
“I love that I can still make you blush,” he says.
“Kale,” I say, resisting the urge to cover my face.
“I also love that you're shy. But you don't have to be with me. Not anymore,” he says.
I have the best husband ever.
“By the way, Gloria Staples wants to interview you.”
His words make me nearly stop in my tracks. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. Apparently the whole world is talking about you. Everybody is curious,” Kale says.
“But... Gloria Staples is... okay, I might have a lot of followers online, but I'm not famous. Not even close. But she is main stream media. I don't know if I want that kind of attention,” I say. “I like that I can have a positive influence in my own little corner of the world.”
“You don't want to do the interview?” Kale asks.
“I don't know. Before all this cancer stuff happened, I would've said yes. It's good business, you know,” I say. “But I am not sure I want to now.”
“Then we will tell her no,” Kale says, smiling at me.
“Thanks,” I say. “Maybe I can do a Q&A video where I can answer everybody’s questions about my cancer and stuff.”
Kale opens the door for me when we arrive at the hot dog place. When we walk in, I smell a lot of beef cooking, but happen to know they have an awesome vegan option for a Chicago dog.
“What’ll it be,” the guy at the counter asks.
We give him our order and then go to take a seat.
“I can’t believe eating a hot dog is on your bucket list,” Kale says.
“When I wrote my bucket list, I thought I only had a few months to get everything done,” I say. “I was trying to think of things I could do locally without having to fly halfway across the world.”
“You were really going to finish the list before telling anybody?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I’m not sure. To be honest, I’m not sure I would’ve been brave enough to do anything on the list without you.”
While we are waiting for our food, a younger girl comes up to our table.
“I love your videos,” she says to me. “I was wondering if we could take a selfie.”
“Sure,” I say.
I get up from the table and stand next to her. She’s a lot younger, but she’s my height. She stretches out her arm and takes a couple of pictures.
“Be sure to tag me,” I tell her.
“Thank you,” she says. “It’s really nice to meet you. I’m praying for you.”
“Thanks,” I say.
She walks away and I look over at Kale.
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” he asks.
I nod. “Really weird.”
Being noticed in public has been happening for about the last year. It doesn’t happen often, but has been happening a lot more often lately. Especially since the whole bucket list thing—people apparently love watching other people do crazy things.
“I’m really enjoying doing our vlogs,” I say. “I never thought my life would be interesting enough to actually vlog. I tried when I was in high school, but it was so lame I couldn’t even upload it.”
“You pretty much always had a camera glued to your hand. And your phone to the other,” he says.
“I was pretty much the biggest nerd.”
“No. You were driven. And not afraid to be different than everybody else,” Kale says. “Because of that, you are successful now.”
“I do like my job.”
Because of my job, I am now in Chicago, about to eat a hot dog. And the whole world is watching, because they want to see me complete this bucket list. It’s kind of crazy to think about.
A guy brings out our hot dogs.
They’re huge.
Like, literally, a foot long vegan hot dog. And Kale’s is a foot long beef hot dog.
Of course, before we eat, I get out my camera. Because, what else would I do?
Kale takes the camera and points it at me. “You’re about to cross item number twenty-six off your list. How does it feel?”
“I’ve got to be honest, this isn’t one of the more exciting things on my list,” I say. “But I’m still very happy to be in Chicago for the first time ever, which means I have another state to add to the places I’ve been.”
“Take a bite,” he says.
Of course, I’m taking a bite on camera. It’s completely embarrassing, but whatever. I don’t care anymore. I take a huge bite and a chunk of relish falls off. I’m pretty sure I have ketchup on the side of my face, too.
“So good,” I say with my mouth full of food.
Kale laughs, then turns off the camera.
“The quality of the content on my channel has increased substantially since we got married in Vegas,” I say. I’m kind of joking, because I seriously did just record a clip of me eating a hot dog, but I’m also not joking.
“What do we want to cross off the list next?” Kale asks.
“Some of the things left are things that I have to do in the sun. Like surfing,” I say. “So, I think I want to delay that for a bit. But maybe we could go on a cruise. I mean, I could wear hats and long sleeves. And we could stay inside for most of the time.”
“I’m definitely okay with staying indoors,” he says.
Which makes me smile. “Do you ever think about anything else?”
“Um... occasionally,” he says. “But not often.”
“And next month, I get to cross off seeing my brother get married,” I say, pulling the list out of my purse. I grab a pen.
26. Eat a hot dog in Chicago.
“Tell me again why I wrote down run a marathon,” I say.
“If we’re going to do that, we should start training,” he says. “We should definitely do some kind of marathon that helps people with cancer.”
“You’re right. Let’s train. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll actually be ready,” I say.
He laughs. “You’re not that out of shape.”
“Kale, the last time I ran, a bug was chasing me. But seriously, I haven’t done any sort of physical activity since junior year when I had to take PE.”
“You walk all the time,” Kale says.
“Walking to get food or go shopping doesn’t count as exercise,” I say.
“Sure it does,” he says. “And you always take the stairs, even though your apartment is on the fifth floor.”
“Only because my elevator is slow. And one of my neighbors got stuck on the elevator for an hour one time,” I say.
“Really?”
I nod.
“Then moving to a better place should be number one on our list. Somewhere bigger.”
My studio apartment is tiny. Really tiny. And cheap, which is why I chose it. I could’ve afforded more, but I was worried I would get in over my head with bills. Though, when I got it, it was big enough. It was just me. I didn’t realize that just a month later, I would be getting married. I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. And never in a million years did I imagine Kale Johnson, of all people, would be my husband.
“Let’s do it,” I say.
“Okay.”
“I have a question.”
“What?” he asks.
“If I hadn’t gotten sick, do you think we still would’ve gotten together somehow?” I ask.
“Juliet, you and I were always meant to be together,” Kale says. “I would’ve eventually gotten to courage to ask you out.”
“Ah, but then there would’ve been the months of dating. Maybe even years. Then you’d have proposed. And then we’d have to wait another year for a wedding,” I sa
y. “And personally, I’m glad I didn’t have to wait.”
“I don’t think I could’ve waited months or years. We were always meant to elope.”
“For the viewers?” I ask, completely kidding.
He laughs. “That’s just an added bonus.”
Saturday, August 6
Watch my brother marry the girl of his dreams.
I’m standing at the front of the church, holding a bouquet of flowers. My feet are hurting from the ridiculous high heels that I’m wearing. But at least Miranda picked out a pretty bride’s maid dress for me to wear. If the way Kale is looking at me is any indication, I look amazing. Because he is watching me, instead of my brother and Miranda, who are midway through saying their vows.
Miranda looks beautiful. Her red hair is half up, half down, and it flows half way down her back. I fixed it, so of course I like it, but honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so pretty in my life. I’m pretty sure my brother thinks so, too, because he almost cried when he saw her walking down the aisle in her dress.
I know, I know. I was supposed to be watching her, but I couldn’t look away from my brother.
He loves her. And I love seeing him so happy.
I glance back at Kale and see that he’s still looking at me. And maybe I should look away, but I can’t.
How can one guy make my heart race so fast? He makes my knees weak and gives me butterflies. And how did it take me so long to realize just how in love with him I am?
I always knew I had a crush on him. I have since I was old enough to remember. But I always thought it was because he was unattainable. Girls always like what they can’t have, right? And I knew I never could have been with Kale. Not really. And I guess that’s what stopped me from allowing my head to go there with him.
My heart was there a long, long time ago.
“I now pronounce you man and wife,” the preacher says.
And I look up just in time to see Jason and Miranda kiss. And it's beautiful. The perfect moment. I'm glad I got to be here to share it with them.
I realize just how selfish I was when I got married in Vegas. In my defense, I only did it because I thought I had six months to live. Or maybe I just jumped at the opportunity to marry Kale because I thought he would change his mind.
The Bucket List Page 11
