by Bella Jewel
I clamp my mouth shut.
"Do you trust that you're never going to get hurt because of backlash from this club like you so claim?"
I have no answer to that, and he knows it.
"Then you might trust me, but you don't trust all of who I am. Without that, it won't work."
"What are you saying?" I whisper.
He steps forward. "I'm sayin' I want you. I want you here. I want us. But I'm not goin' to spend the rest of my life convincin' you that it's safe. You have to make that choice on your own, and unless you let go of this hatred towards King, you're never going to do that. Have you ever even asked him what he thinks happened? No. You just judge, and that ain't right."
I have nothing to say to that, I'm angry, but mostly I'm confused. I don't know where to go from here or what to say. Alarick wants me to be something I can't be right now. Part of the club, someone who will always stand true by his side. While I don't have anything against the club, I can't deny that the world they're living in scares me.
I'm not sure I'm ready for it.
Alarick turns and walks out, and I watch him go knowing it'll be the last time I see him.
My heart cracks into a thousand tiny pieces, and I grip my chest, fighting back my tears. Every part of me wants to run to him and tell him everything, and yet I know there is no use. He’s angry at me, he's disappointed in me, and we're never going to agree when it comes to King. He's always going to have his dad's back, and as much as it kills me, I know I deserve someone who is going to be on my side.
No matter what.
Right now, Alarick isn't that person.
I turn and walk out of the club, trying to fight back my tears. I get into my car, and they flow forth, rolling down my cheeks as I drive back to King's place. Once there, I pack the last of my things, leave a note for King, and then drive over to Magnolia's. When I get there, she's hanging out with a few friends, laughing, looking like maybe she will just fit in here.
Me not so much.
I wave to her when she notices me standing by my car, and she comes rushing out, her eyes concerned. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, but I need to go now. I can't be here any longer."
"Alarick didn't want to go with you?" she asks, shocked.
"Alarick wants me to be part of the club and be on his side, but right now...I can't give him that. I'm broken. I need time to fix myself. I need to recreate my life. I didn't tell him I was leaving; he made it very clear how he felt. I have to do this for me."
"Where are you going to go?"
I shrug. "I don't know yet, but I'll find somewhere that makes me happy. I'll call all the time, but I can't promise I'll be back to visit. You're more than welcome to come and see me though."
She hugs me; her hold tight and desperate. "I don't want you to go, but I know you have to. I'm going to miss you so much."
"I'm going to miss you, too," I say to her, tears rolling forth again. "Please, promise me you'll take care of yourself here, and if anything happens, you'll call me right away. Remember King will always take care of you, I know we might not see eye to eye, but I also know if you're ever in trouble he will make sure you're okay. Don't be afraid to use that."
She nods and steps back, tears running down her cheeks, too.
"Come visit me all the time, okay?" I croak.
"Okay," she smiles, wiping her tears. "I love you, Briella."
"I love you, too. More than anything."
I give her another hug and then I get in my car with all of my things, and I drive.
I drive past the house I grew up in.
I drive past the club that quickly became my family.
I drive until the city is just a spot in the distance.
I have to start again.
I'm making the right decision.
Even if right now it feels like I'm never going to be okay again.
I have to believe in something, and right now...
I choose to believe in myself.
20
NOW – BRIELLA
"Well, I didn't think it would take you long to crawl back in here," Sissy says, crossing her arms and leaning her hip against the bar at the club. She flicks her hair over her shoulder and looks me up and down.
"It's nice to see you again too, Sissy. I'm glad your attitude has improved so much over the years."
She grunts. "What can I say? I am who I am."
"Don't be a fuckin' pain in the ass, Sissy," Alarick growls. "What are you doin' here anyway, thought you moved away with your drop kick fuck of a boyfriend?"
"We broke up," she mutters, studying her nails. "It's a long story."
"Don't care to hear it, either." Alarick points out. "What are you doin' here?"
"Wanted to see if I could crash at your place a while, you know until I get back on my feet."
"No," Alarick says immediately. "Not right now."
"Why not, because she's here?"
She glares at me, and I exhale, crossing my arms.
"She just lost her sister. She has no one left. You need to have some fuckin' manners."
Sissy narrows her eyes in confusion. Did she not know about Magnolia? Judging by the expression on her face, I'm guessing not.
"What? What happened to Magnolia?"
"She's dead," I say bluntly.
For the first time since mom died, I see Sissy get a warmth across her face that is so very rare it almost looks unnatural. She tried not to like my mom, but over the years, she grew on her, and Sissy ended up getting close with her. When she died, she wasn't living in the area, but she didn't take it well. The only time I've ever seen Sissy cry is at my mother's funeral.
She still seems to adore hating me, though.
"What....what happened?" Sissy whispers.
"We're tryin' to figure that out," Alarick tells her, his voice a little kinder now. "We don't know, but she got wrapped up in some bad shit and got herself into trouble."
"I know a few of her friends. We were hanging with the same group for a while. Do you want me to ask some of them if they know anything?"
"It can't hurt."
I can't fault Sissy for trying to help. Any extra information right now is something.
"She was staying with a friend for a few weeks in between finding a new place and staying with that guy she was seeing. I think some of her stuff is still there. Do you want me to take you there?"
I look to Alarick. "I'll go and have a look. I'm more likely to know what's Magnolia's and what isn't."
Sissy stares at me like she's about to protest, but I put my hand up. "I know you don't like me, Sissy, and I don't care if I'm honest, but I just lost the only person I had left. I'd appreciate if you can at least try to bite your tongue while we do this. You don't have to like me, but I know you liked Mag's, and I know you're not completely dead inside."
She scowls at me but doesn't say anything, which tells me that even though she wants to speak, she knows I'm right and is smart enough to keep her mouth closed.
"Let's go then," she finally says.
I glance at Alarick and smile at him. He steps forward, taking my cheek in his big hand and kissing my forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay," I say softly. "Feeling perfectly normal."
"If you have any pain..."
"It's okay. I'm okay. I'll see you soon, okay?"
He nods and steps back, and I turn and follow Sissy out to her car. We get inside, and the entire drive to her friend's house is silent. What is there to say? We hate each other and have never had a decent conversation in our lives. It's not about to start now.
We arrive at the house, and Sissy goes right in as if she owns the place. There is a girl there, young, pretty, working on a laptop. She looks up when Sissy comes in and smiles, "Sissy! Hey! I haven't seen you in forever. What are you doing here?"
"We were wondering if any of Magnolia's stuff is still here, I'm sure you heard the news. We're trying to find out what happened."
The g
irl shakes her head, confused. "What news?"
Sissy makes her a face a little less tight when she tells the girl, "Magnolia is dead."
"What?" The girl gasps. "What happened?"
"That's what we're trying to find out. This is Magnolia's sister Briella. Can we look at her stuff?"
The girl stands, nodding. "Of course, right this way."
We follow her down the hall and into the room where there are a few boxes packed up in the corner. "She packed all of this up when she was leaving, I'm not sure what's in there, she said she was coming to get it but never did so I just kept it here."
"Thank you," I say, smiling at her. "Sorry, I didn't catch your name?"
"I'm Sheridan. You can call me Sherry. I'm so sorry to hear about Magnolia. So sorry."
I smile weakly at her. "If you don't mind, I might be here a while looking through this stuff if that's okay?"
"Sure, take your time. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Sure, thank you so much."
Sherry disappears, and I walk into the room, my heart aching knowing that once, Magnolia had been in here, probably happy, living her best life. I swallow back my tears and glance down at the box in front of me. Sissy walks in behind me, surprising me when she takes a box and sits on the floor, opening the tape with her fingernail.
I do the same.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to find here, I'm just hoping something might give me an idea of what was going on in her life before she went missing. Was she in some sort of danger? Was she seeing someone? The last guy I spoke to claimed they didn't see each other anymore, so was there someone else? There are so many unanswered questions.
The first box I open is just full of clothes, I empty it anyway and then carefully fold the clothes and put them back in. I don't tell Sissy about the tears running down my cheeks as I catch the scent of my baby sister. Anger and confusion, and so many mixed emotions swirl through my body. Death wasn't supposed to happen to her, not my sister, not now. She wasn't supposed to die.
I swipe a tear and reseal the box, looking up to see Sissy staring at me. I'm shocked to find she too has tears in her eyes. I can't recall a time outside of my mother dying, and no doubt King dying, even though I wasn’t there for that, that I've seen Sissy cry. Seeing her vulnerable, and genuinely putting her walls down, has me realizing that maybe underneath it all, there is a decent human.
"For whatever it's worth," she says, her voice crackly. "I am so sorry about Magnolia."
I give her a weak smile, but she needs to know just how much I appreciate those words. "Thank you."
"I'm going to miss her," she whispers and then gets back to digging through a box.
I push the clothes box aside and open the next one. It's full of journals and papers and old phones. You know, like the junk drawer items we all have. Still, it's usually in the junk drawer that you find the most secrets. I tip the box out and start sorting through the papers. Most are just receipts or take away pamphlets, a few course books as Magnolia was studying to become a childcare worker. I put those aside and keep looking.
I find a few old phones, which don't turn on, and a couple of birthday cards from mom that she had saved over the years. I bite my tongue to stop the tears coming back again because if my vision is all blurry, I may just very well miss something. I can't afford to do that right now. I take a few steady breaths, focus on my breathing, and keeping shuffling through the stuff.
I find an old leather journal that is padlocked. I feel guilty for considering opening this, but there could be something inside that might hold an answer. I glance around the room for something to bust the lock with, but eventually, I have to go downstairs and ask Sherry for a hammer so that I can smash it off. Then, I return to the room and sit at the end of the bed, opening the journal.
It isn't what I thought it would be.
I thought it might be a diary or somewhere she wrote her thoughts and dreams.
This is something entirely different.
The journal contains names, numbers, locations, and so much scribble like she's thinking out loud and just jotting everything down.
I can't make sense of any of it.
I lift it to try and read a misspelled word when a piece of paper slides out from the inside and falls onto my lap. I place the journal down and pick it up, unfolding it. It's written on lined paper and in a blue pen. It's addressed to our mother.
I open it and begin to read.
Angel,
I know you're scared, and I know you aren't sure what the right thing to do right now is, but you have to know that coming with me is making the right choice.
The things we've been through together, the things you've shared with me, you can't just walk away from that.
I won't let you.
I know this wasn't meant to happen, I know you weren't meant to feel anything for me, but you can't deny the facts. What we did together can never be undone.
Don't be scared of what you saw.
Embrace it as you embraced me.
Your kids will be okay without you.
King will find another woman.
You belong here.
You belong to all of us.
If you don't come back, you know I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do.
I don't want to hurt you, Angel.
So return home.
Dax x
What.
The.
Fuck?
I read the letter over and over, shaking my head in confusion. I don't understand. I just don't understand. There is no way in the world mom would have been seeing someone else, but that's the way this letter is making it sound. It just doesn't make sense; nothing about it makes sense.
Who the fuck is Dax?
Where have I seen that name before?
Where did she meet him?
What did she see?
What did they do together?
Suddenly, everything I thought I knew, is being ripped into a thousand tiny pieces. I can't make sense of any of it.
How did Magnolia get this letter?
Was she searching for this man?
Did he kill our mother?
King?
Oh god.
"Sissy," I squeak, turning and looking at my sister in law. "You need to see this."
I hand the letter to Sissy, and while she's reading it, I flick through the journal. By the looks of it, Magnolia was searching for this Dax guy. She has a heap of names, numbers, locations and so many different thoughts that my mind is spinning after two pages.
Magnolia was looking for answers.
Why didn't she go to the club?
Why didn't she tell me?
Did she think I wouldn't want to know?
Was she waiting until she had an answer?
Nothing is making sense.
"What?" Sissy says, shaking her head. "That doesn't make any sense at all. Who is this letter for?"
"It's addressed to my mother, and judging by the reference to us, it is safe to say it's for her."
"She was cheating on dad?" Sissy whispers.
I shake my head. "I don't know. That's what it sounds like, but..."
"But they loved each other so much. I saw it. We all did. I don't..."
"I don't understand either, but Magnolia was looking for this Dax guy. She's written down heaps of information in her journal; she's been searching for him."
"Do you think that's what happened to her?"
"I think it's what happened to them both," I whisper, my voice shaky.
This Dax.
He killed my family.
When they went looking for him, he made them disappear.
He hasn't met me yet.
He won't be getting away with this.
"SO YOU FOUND SOMETHIN' to indicate that Magnolia was lookin' for someone, someone who had somethin' to do with your momma?" Alarick asks.
I press the phone to my ear as Sissy and I drive back to the club after finishing up with the b
oxes.
"Yes, but the thing is, it almost seems like this man was indicating they had an affair. It doesn't make any sense, but Magnolia was looking into it. She has heaps of names and numbers. One of those names is that guy I went and seen that she was supposed to be dating. I wondered how she would ever date someone like him, he was disgusting, and now it makes sense. She was looking for something."
"Fuck," Alarick growls. "Bring everything you've got here."
"Do you...do you think my mom was cheating on King?"
"I don't know, honey," he murmurs. "I would never guess that in a million years, but I've been shocked before. There could be more to it. Something else might have been going on."
"Yeah," I whisper. "Yeah, maybe."
"Don't go lookin' at your momma in a different light until we have answers. Right now, we don't have any fuckin' answers, and until we do, we don't know anything. You hear me?"
"Yeah," I say softly. "Anyway, we're nearly there. I'll see you when we arrive."
"Drive safe."
"Thanks, honey."
I hang up the phone and exhale, glancing down at the journal in my lap and wondering what I'm going to uncover when we look deeper into this.
Part of me needs to get started right away, the sooner I can find out what happened to Magnolia, the better, but the other part of me is scared to find out, scared of what we might come across, scared of the answers.
"Do you think my mother is capable of this?"
Sissy looks shocked by my question but shrugs her shoulders. "I wouldn't know. I didn't know her that long."
"She was practically your mother," I say.
"No, she wasn't."
Someone has her walls up again.
"If she was cheating on my dad, though, she is more than dead to me."
"Wow," I mutter. "You know, just when I think there is some good to you, you go and say something like that. You know what, just drop me off, I don't want to be in the car with you anymore."
"Fine by me," she mutters, pulling the car over and staring at me.
"What is it with you?" I ask her, shaking my head in genuine confusion. "You can show these small glimmers of being compassionate, and the moment you realize you're too nice, you turn into a monster and put your bitch shoes back on. There's nothing wrong with being a good person, Sissy. You'd make a hell of a lot more friends that way."
