by Lund, S. E.
“Eve, I love you,” he says and kisses me, forcing himself on me, his hand cupping my cheek.
Finally, when I don't give in, he stops and breaks the kiss, momentarily pressing his lips against my neck where he bit me. Then he rises up and lets go of me. He wipes his eyes and adjusts his coat. He walks stiffly to the door, leaving me on the bed, my heart pounding.
He stands in the entry for a moment as if he’s trying to regain control over himself.
“When you realize the mistake you’ve made, send me a message if you can. Find a way. If I don’t hear from you when it all falls apart, I'll come for you.”
Then he leaves.
I sit on the bed and cry, weeping, because despite my anger at him for all the lies and deception, part of me knows he did it all out of loyalty to his mission. He thought he was doing the right thing. It wasn’t because he wanted to win me. It was because he felt he needed to keep me from knowing his plans. But I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.
I go to Julien.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
"If I had a flower for each time I thought of you I could walk through my garden forever."
Alfred Lord Tennyson
We drive away from the abbey and when I glance back, Michel is standing at the courtyard gate, watching. I can’t help it. Tears fill my eyes and I hate myself for hurting him. It will hurt him to see me go. It will break his heart – he said it would. But I can’t go with him to this life he told me about based on nothing more than his visions of some dark future that hasn’t happened.
More than that, I can’t imagine saying no to Julien. He needs me more than Michel. Michel will go on with his grand plans to be the hero no matter what I say. If I did go with Michel, he’d expect my submission and feel empowered to punish me if I didn’t submit to him as he demanded in order to keep up a façade of us as Master/slave. Well, he can find someone else to play that role.
If I chose Michel, Julien would give up completely and join a monastery, go into cloister, until I’m dead. I’ve seen it in his mind. He can’t face a future without me. Michel needs me for his plans. Julien needs me for his very existence.
How can I say no to that kind of love?
"You staked Michel," I say, my voice breaking.
"It was the only way to stop him. I see it failed." Julien takes my hand and squeezes when he sees the tears on my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he releases an endorphin in me to make me less sad. "I did it to protect you."
“Don’t,” I say and pull my hand away. “Let me feel my emotions.” I just sit there as the French countryside flies by, barely noticing the beauty of the tall trees surrounding me, highlighted by the full moon. I blink away my tears and bite my cheek to keep my emotions from Michel, just in case he’s reading me from a distance and knows I’m sad. I don’t want him to take hope from it because if he knows how hard this is for me, he might take it as a sign to come after me. I need some time with Julien. Just Julien, so I can know how I feel.
“You should never have met us.” Julien drives through the hills down the mountain towards Carcassonne. “You’d be in school now, studying cell biology and molecular genetics and would be a blissfully normal cat lady in waiting.”
“Don’t remind me,” I say, and I don’t even smile at his attempt at humor. I know that will hurt him but right now, I’m not feeling the bliss I thought this decision would give me. I only feel conflicted.
He says nothing in reply.
Then I feel bad for hurting him and take his hand once more. “I’m sorry. I just need some time to process all this.”
“I know.” He squeezes my hand, threading his fingers through mine. “We’ll stay in Toulouse overnight and then fly back to Boston tomorrow morning. I’m afraid you won’t have much downtime. Vasquez wants us working right away on the River Man case. There’s been a new development and we’ve got a new murder to investigate upstate.”
“Julien,” I say as exasperation builds in me. “I already told you Soren is the killer. I felt it when I met him and he held my hand.”
Julien smiles at me, staring at my mouth. "You are so tempting, Eve. But Soren's got an alibi for every murder. He’s not the one.”
I shake my head at him. Soren’s compelled him to believe that. There is nothing I can say that will change his mind. I have to just ignore it, but if I’m right, and I know I am, the River Man case will continue on and on without any resolution.
We arrive in Toulouse much later and I’m so tired after all the stress and emotion that even after I drink Julien’s blood, I’m in no mood for sex and he doesn’t try to convince me. He doesn’t even try to get me in the mood. He lets me sleep alone in the other double bed, giving me the distance I need without protest.
It feels so strange for him to be there on the other bed after we’ve been parted for two weeks. But I'm overwhelmed with sadness and confusion about this choice I've made. We lie there in the darkness, and his breathing is loud in the stillness of the hotel room.
“Do you hate me for being with him? Nothing happened,” I add. "But he slept with me in the same bed, kissed me, fed me his blood…"
The sheets rustle on the other bed, and he sighs heavily.
“No, of course not,” he says, but there’s a hint of pain in his voice that he can’t disguise “What we’re doing to you – it’s almost unforgivable. But you have to understand us, Eve. We love you. Neither of us is willing to give up. I’m surprised Michel has, but I suspect he’s just lying in wait in the hope I’ll fail to make you happy and then he’ll step in, the hero. But I won’t fail, Eve.”
“He said you would make me happy. He also said the sky will fall and I’ll go with him to help save the world.”
“He’s insane.”
I lie in the darkness and wonder what Michel’s doing. Where is he staying? Carcassonne? Is he in Toulouse as well? Does he know, even now, what’s passing between Julien and me?
“Go to sleep, Eve. We have an early flight. If you need me to, I can put you to sleep.”
I start to cry at that and in an instant he’s there, lying beside me, cradling my head in his arms. He strokes my cheek and the last thing I feel before sleep overwhelms me are his lips pressed against my forehead.
I wake in the morning and don’t feel much better. My sleep was interrupted during the night with dreams of vague danger that never seemed to take full shape. Julien’s already up and has showered. He comes out of the bathroom with a thick white towel wrapped around his waist and he’s so beautiful my heart squeezes at the sight of him. His hair is wet, his lashes clumped together. Beads of water form on his bare chest. He just stands at the window and looks out the window at the courtyard below our room, toweling his hair dry.
He’s mine now. Every inch of him. That thought gives me a little jolt of lust but it’s still too soon for me to just fuck him. I’m still guilty for what happened with his brother for although I didn't fuck Michel, I wanted to. I kissed him. I slept in the same bed with him. I wanted him.
I think of Marguerite having them both, one after the other in front of each other and it makes me sick. I will never be her. I will choose one of them.
I can’t believe I’ve just thought that I will choose one of them, as if I haven’t just chosen.
What’s wrong with me? Why is there still a question mark in my mind?
After a quick breakfast in a quaint café down the street from the hotel, we take a taxi to the airport and start our long journey back to Boston. Julien sits beside me and holds my hand and I’m only too happy that he releases some calming endorphin in my brain to take away my fear of flying. I doze through the long flight and through our connection to Boston, the time passing like I’m in a drug-induced dream.
He practically carries me into the warehouse and deposits me on the bed in his white bedroom, almost twenty-four hours after leaving France. When it’s time for me to feed, he offers me his wrist instead of his neck as I normally w
ould have chosen. The blood does nothing to arouse me. It merely takes away the ache in my body.
I fall sleep and when I awaken, it's night and I'm alone in the bed. I get up and have a much-needed shower. The door to the shower opens and Julien is standing there, naked.
“May I join you or is it too soon?”
I shake my head, my heart heavy, suddenly shy. “Too soon.”
He nods and closes the door once more, leaving me alone with shampoo in my hair. I finish washing and get out of the shower, dry off, then wrap my bathrobe around me.
I go to where he stands by the window, looking out over the Boston cityscape. He’s no longer naked, but is wearing only his boxer briefs.
“You must understand,” I say and take his hand, squeezing it briefly. “I feel like such a…” I say, struggling for words. “Like a whore. A heartless bitch, going between you two like I have.”
“Shh,” he says and cups my cheek, his blue eyes so soft. “Hardly heartless. Quite the opposite. And not a whore – never. How could you even use such a word for yourself? It’s us, Michel and me, who should feel bad, forcing ourselves on you. Never you.”
He pulls me into his arms and I let him, not fighting his touch for I need it now. But even so, despite the closeness of his half-naked body and the delicious ache of need I feel in him when we connect, I resist him and he once more lets me, not pushing.
We eat a meal, and I feel Vasily’s absence.
“Where’s Vasily?” I say, glancing around.
“Still in Ipswich and back with Michel now. He’s semi-retired, I guess. Still does some work for Michel, but it’s mostly management rather than security.” He takes a drink of coffee and grins. “Just you and me, babe. No servants yet. I haven’t even looked. Been too busy trying to win back the love of my life.”
I smile, my heart aching. I reach out and take his hand. “I don’t need a servant. I just miss him.”
He squeezes my hand back. “We’ll get someone to come and clean the place, do the shopping and maybe some cooking. You’re not a housekeeper, Eve. You’re not a cook. I’ve been a bit distracted from that kind of thing. Drink up,” he says and points to my coffee. “Vasquez is meeting us at the SCU. Guess he’s putting on civvies and is taking over Ed’s place, if you can believe it. They wanted me to run the joint, but I’m more of an operations kind of guy and hate administrative bullshit. Like to get my hands dirty.”
As we drive to the SCU, Julien fills in the details of my last days there as a Blood Witness working for the Council. I was fired, according to my journal.
“Why did Vasquez fire me?”
“He threw you to the wolves because Soren didn’t accept his bait. Vasquez wanted to bring Soren into his plot for Dominion.”
“Vasquez is out for Dominion? Why is he working for the SCU?”
“We’re letting him. There’s an old saying that is very true, Eve. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
“He sent me to Ramallah to tempt Soren into taking me as his Adept, right?”
Julien nods. “Soren doesn’t want to head Blackstone. He has his eye on bigger fish.”
“The Church.”
“Yes,” he says. "Vasquez wanted Soren at the head of Blackstone as a figurehead because of his power with the military. When Soren didn’t bite, Vasquez decided on a different course.”
“Why is he even working for the SCU then?”
“So the Council can keep an eye on him. See what his game is.”
“I don’t get it.”
“The SCU is the front line against Dominion. Once we found out that Vasquez was for Dominion, we wanted him close so we could use him to get inside Blackstone. I’ve compelled him to comply. He thinks he’s this big double agent, working for Blackstone and the Council. He thinks he’s fooled us all. It’s himself he’s fooled. That’s OK. He gives us an in to Blackstone. He’ll lead us directly there. You watch.”
"I thought you weren't interested in fighting Dominion," I say as we drive through the streets to the building near the waterfront.
"I said there are more ways than one to fight it. Blackstone thinks they'll subvert our defenses from within and strike at us that way. Michel's obsessed with Soren, but he's nothing. I'm after Blackstone." He glances at me. "I have my reasons…"
"They betrayed you." I remember reading journal entries about our trip to Virginia after Michel went to Pittsburgh.
"They turned me into a day-walking vampire super-warrior and then tried to kill me. Besides their role in bringing about Dominion, they're responsible for the deaths of my fellow operatives. It's time for payback."
I have no memories of the SCU but it feels perfectly right to sit at my little desk by the window. I touch my things – the computer I must have used, the files, and pens in the drawer.
Vasquez is a tiny man with beady eyes and sparse graying hair on his head. He's dressed in civilian clothes – a suit and tie, suspenders and a photo ID around his neck. He looks like a real cop and not a bishop, but he has no idea he's been compelled. I watch Julien with him and Julien seems to enjoy treating Vasquez with extra deference. Nodding when Vasquez speaks, his face all serious. But Julien glances over to where I sit and has this look in his eyes that speaks to me of barely-suppressed mirth. Because I'm his blood slave, I can feel his mind at a distance when he lets me, and I know what he's thinking.
He loves this game.
"Come here, Eve," Vasquez says. "We've got a case to investigate."
I join him in Ed's old office and Julien and I sit side by side in old wooden chairs in front of the desk.
"A new River Man case." He hands Julien the file. Julien flips through the papers inside and I lean closer and look at them. Grisly crime scene photographs of a decapitated and drained body, the head in the shackled embrace just like all the others. What does that mean? What is Soren telling us?
It's then I realize that we aren't really investigating Blackstone if we pursue this case and these murders. We're really going after Soren.
"I've already said that it's Soren behind these murders," I say to them both, unable to keep frustration from my voice. "I touched him when we were alone and I held his hand on the plane. He's the murderer."
Julien reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it and a current of lust from him goes right to my sex. He looks at me, and deliberately licks his bottom lip. What?
Vasquez looks at me as if I'm a child. "Eve," Vasquez says and I can hear impatience in his voice. "Soren's a bit player in this. He has his own agenda and it's not the main problem we face. We're after Blackstone. These are Blackstone killings of Adepts in their control. This is the third adept to be killed in this community and we suspect there is a cell there, operating out of the town. We have to find the killer and he or she will lead us to Blackstone. I'm sending you and Julien to investigate. The fact that there's another murder in this small town suggests that whoever is killing Adepts lives there. In fact, our geographical profilers suggest that the killer may actually reside there but has been expanding his range to kill others where they live, returning to his home base."
I sigh, and give in. Neither Julien nor Vasquez are able to hear what I'm saying so I might as well shut up.
Later that night, as Julien and I pack our bags for our trip tomorrow, I sit on the bed and try one more time to get through to him.
"Come here," I say and pat the bed beside me. He smiles and sits, his arm going around my shoulders. When he tries to kiss me, I put a hand up between our lips to stop him. "No," I say. "Not that. I want to talk to you."
"Oh, damn," he says and grins. "I was hoping you were finally overwhelmed with lust for me and couldn't wait until after your feed…"
"Julien," I say, unable to keep a straight face because of his leering one. "I'm serious. We have to talk."
"OK," he says and plays with my hair, making a mock serious face. "What is it you want to talk about?"
"Soren has compelled you."
He keep
s smiling, twisting a lock of my hair in his fingers, bringing it up to his nose to smell. He looks in my eyes, tilting his head to the side.
"You are so cute," he says and touches my nose. "Have I told you that I love your freckles?"
"Stop!" I say and push his hand away. "Julien, Soren has compelled you to think he's innocent."
It's like he can't hear anything I say about this. Instead, he leans in closer.
"Just a few of them over the bridge of your nose, like you've just been out in the sun. Makes me want to ravish you."
I take his hand and try again. "Julien, Soren has compelled you to think he's innocent."
He doesn't hear me or ignores me, smiling broadly. Then he nuzzles my neck, licking his bite mark. He tickles my waist and I can't help but giggle.
"Stop!" I try to push him away.
"Oh, that smile…" His voice is thick with lust and he pushes me down on the bed, his weight holding me down, my hands trapped in his over my head. "When I see you smile, I want to fuck you, Eve. Hard."
"Julien! Soren's compelled you!" I say, almost shouting.
"God, Eve, you're driving me crazy…" He's breathing deeply as if my words arouse him. Then he kisses me passionately, his tongue insistent, and with his free hand, he starts to explore my body, his hand slipping under my sweater and cupping a breast beneath my bra, his fingers tweaking my nipple until it's hard.
What – has Soren compelled him so that if I try to reveal what I know, he gets aroused and takes it as an invitation to have sex? The harder I try to convince him of Soren's guilt, the harder he tries to fuck me?
What a bastard…
"Julien, Soren's compelled you to think he's innocent," I say once more to test my theory.
"God, Eve, what are you doing to me?" Julien says, the need in his voice almost anger. He rips the zipper to my pants down, his hand digging beneath my underwear to my flesh. He sighs when he feels me, his fingers searching out my clit. "Fuck," he says exhaling heavily. "You're so nice and wet. I need you right now."
