by Hayley Oakes
I could still see the icy stare and hatred of the father of my child, glaring down at me in the pouring rain. I understood, he was grieving the loss of his wife and didn’t want to be reminded of our situation but I was struggling. I hated that I needed him but it was true as Gail kept reminding me, he had willingly participated in the conception so why should he not contribute to her upkeep?
I had returned to all my teaching which was a few late afternoon days during the week and a full day on Saturdays, however I used to teach yoga three nights a week and needed to get back to that too. So I had to find a child minder with unusual working hours and that wasn’t cheap. I was eligible for Universal Credit which helped but didn’t cover everything. I had to be very sensible with my money so I could keep the roof over our heads and pay all the bills. I must be mad, adoption would have been the easy option.
“He’s going to pay,” I sighed, “he paid for the DNA test but I think it was a stalling tactic, I get £400 a month starting next month.”
“That’s a pittance.” Gail sounded disgusted as she kissed Ivy’s chubby cheek.
“It’s more than I expected,” I said, taking Ivy from her and kissing her adorable cheek myself. She had his eyes, those same eyes that speared hatred through me in the street, my hair was naturally light as my mother’s had been but hers was muddied by his DNA and I could tell by my brief meetings with him that she favoured his looks quite strongly. My mother’s Nordic roots had been diluted by his genes. I loved Ivy regardless.
“Will it cover childcare?” she asked with concern.
“It’ll help,” I gave her a sad smile. “I’ll manage. Maybe I need to look for another job.”
“I’ll do the yoga nights,” she blurted out, “me, Eden and Jim will help out.”
I smiled, “you live a half hour bus ride away,” I sighed, “thanks but I’m not sure how that’ll work.”
“We’ll make it work,” she moved forward to hug me, “I promise.” She was a good few inches taller than me and so even though she weighed less than a gnat, her hugging still felt parental and comforting.
“Thanks Gail,” I said as my cheek rested on her chest.
“You’re like one of my own, Pen.” She rubbed my back, “of course!”
I left late afternoon classes and clambered aboard the bus with Ivy strapped to my chest, as usual. I still hadn’t purchased a buggy, I didn’t need one and it negated the need to keep dismantling the thing to board the bus or walk up the stairs to my second floor flat. It was January and cold. Christmas had been none eventful for both Ivy and I. My dads had sent money from Spain so I could buy stuff for her but I spent a lot of it bulking up on nappies and other necessities so I knew I wouldn’t run out. Gail invited me for Christmas Day and so we went over for a few hours but the evening was spent cuddled up together whilst I watched repeats on the BBC of old Christmas classics.
Ivy was rolling over now and I was trying to encourage her to sit up.
I sat next to a chubby, African woman on the bus who chattered to me and Ivy all the way to her stop. Asking how old she was and if she was a good baby. She held Ivy’s chunky baby hand and bounced it in her own, cooing at her and making her giggle. I always felt like a fraud with strangers, like I needed to justify that I was her mum, that I was trying. I wasn’t supposed to be her mummy, she wasn’t meant for me but I’d kept her and sometimes I felt like people could see my lack of experience seeping out of me like a red aura of warning.
The lady kissed her little hand before she departed and wished me well. I hugged Ivy to me as the draft from the door opening and shutting wafted down the bus.
“I love you kiddo,” I whispered to her as we sat cocooned together as we always were, her nestled to my front. This was one of the things Gary always used to say to me after one of my meltdowns, as Leon looked on with fear and I had spewed venom at them both again. He’d place his hand tentatively on my back, waiting to see if I was done. “I love you, kiddo,” he’d say with weary determination. I had never understood how hard that must have been for them. I had never understood how much they were determined to fix me until I had Ivy.
I was damaged goods, I was unwanted, I was too hard to find a home and yet they gave me theirs. Once I settled in I took it all for granted, how much they cared and how hard they tried but having Ivy taught me that only love got me through the hard nights and exhausting days. I loved her unconditionally and despite everything she was my world, she lived inside me and was half mine and I could never have given her to a stranger, only Jemma. How my dads did all that when I was just a stranger to them I’ll never know, they deserved a medal.
We reached our stop and I stepped off into the wintry wind, pulling Ivy in her all in one winter suit, closer to me for warmth. I had my backpack on from the classes and my own warm parka, it wouldn’t be long until we could get back home and light the gas fire and sit in front of it. I stepped onward with my head down, making sure the hood was pulled up over her little flowered, knitted beany. I glanced up and my heart thudded as I spotted the bright, white BMW parked outside the flats. I had seen the car before, plus none of the inhabitants of my street owned anything similar, so I panicked.
He stepped out as I neared and my heart hammered in my chest and my mouth went dry, I stopped walking and instinctively ducked, turning to walk away.
“Penelope!” he shouted, I heard steps behind me and him jogging. He caught up with me and walked in step next to me, there was no use running, I just stopped and kept my head down. “Penelope,” he said again a little softer. I looked across at him, saw those eyes the ones Ivy shared and he seemed to offer me a small smile rather than the malice of months ago. “I think we got off to a rocky start.” He nodded his head and I just narrowed my eyes, keeping them trained on him as if it were a trick.
I nodded, “yes.” I couldn’t make the word sound affirmative but I did my best.
“I’m not here to be nasty,” he held his hands up and I watched as he spoke, hoping to see something in those eyes to understand why he was there. “I ...” he faltered, he fiddled with the zip on his own blue, puffa coat and gave me an encouraging smile, “I’d like to ... what’s her name?” his voice was soft and I relaxed more as he said it.
“Ivy,” I told him defiantly and as if on cue she turned her head from where she slept on my chest and he saw her face for the first time. He’d yet to see her eyes but as he glanced down at her cherubim face and chubby cheeks I saw a shift in his gaze, it was recognition. Of course she wasn’t like me so he had to see something in her, perhaps himself.
“She’s ....” he looked at me and I saw emotion swim into his eyes and I felt a sharp pain of fear at his obvious connection. “Beautiful.” He swallowed hard and I stepped back. His change in attitude was all well and good but what if he changed his mind about wanting her? I was barely getting by and they were millionaires, Jesus. What had I done? I should never have pressed for money.
“Um ... we need to get inside,” I said quickly, stepping further back and trying to walk to my front door.
He took my arm and tugged on it lightly, but I shrugged him off quickly and gave him a hard stare. He held his hands up and dropped my arm instantly. “I’ve been a prick,” he said quickly and I took a deep breath. “Can I meet her?” he asked quickly, “can we exchange numbers? Meet in a park? I ....” he ran his hand through his hair. “I thought if I was paying I should see her.” He nodded and I could see that he stemmed the emotion from earlier to try and state his case.
“I thought you had my number,” I said cooly.
“That was on ... um ... Jemma’s phone,” he winced as he said her name and I could see there was still some pain there and it softened me towards him. “I haven’t charged it for a while.”
He pulled a smart phone from his pocket, “do you know it by heart?”
I reeled off my number and he called my phone so I felt it vibrate in my back pack.
“I’ll call you,” he said a moment later a
nd I nodded solemnly.
Be careful what you wish for, another great saying of Gary’s. There it was, I turned and watched as he climbed back into his top of the range car. Compared to him I had nothing to offer and compared to him I had everything to lose because the only thing I had was her. I felt completely and utterly fucked. There was one saving grace though, he wasn’t on the birth certificate and I’d had her all this time ... that had to count for something.
I climbed the dreary staircase to my tiny, one-bedroom flat. The wallpaper had seen better days and was peeling in places. I felt defeated and upset and although I had wanted Matt to take the baby as planned at first, now that seemed like the furthest from what I wanted. Did he now want joint custody? Did he now want something more than that? I’d been stupid to think that this would end well when I took that CSA money. Of course he had a family and so had Jemma, they would all want a bit of the action and what would I be left with?
The scraps.
Chapter 10 - Matthew
“I WENT TO SEE Penelope Strauss today,” I announced at dinner. My mother and Father still owned our family home in Harrow and one of my younger sisters, Lydia still lived at home. The middle sister, Ellen, now had her own house and was married. I was their current problem child as we all took it in turns to cause them alarm. Of course since I lost Jemma, I was the biggest loser.
“Wow,” my mum placed her elbows on the table and folded her hands together as she chewed her beef stroganoff. She sat at the head of the table, I sat to her right and dad to her left. Lydia wasn’t yet back from tending to her horse, she was horse obsessed. Over the years this had been a worry bead, but the widower now trumped horse obsessed girl with no qualifications or inclinations to get any.
Dad looked up and took a deep breath, “and?” he asked.
“She’s called her Ivy,” I added, scooping some rice and peppered beef onto my fork. I hadn’t started eating properly again until recently and so large portions were still not ideal. My mum fed the five thousand every meal.
Mum sucked in a deep nasal breath and then released it quickly, “lovely.” She didn’t push any further. After renouncing the impending baby the whole family was disappointed but at some point I think my mother and father recognised that I was their priority and helping me through the grieving process, rather than fighting for the baby was paramount. Jemma’s parents weren’t as involved in our lives as my own and so they knew we were having fertility issues but not the lengths we were going to in order to alleviate them. She didn’t want people knowing until the baby was safely home with us, didn’t dare to dream it would be a reality.
It never was.
“Have you seen her?” Dad asked, nonchalant but side-eyeing mum. They didn’t yet have any grandchildren and Ivy was their first, albeit a little unconventionally.
“Yes,” I nodded, unable to meet either of their eyes. “She looks like me.”
At that my mum lost it, covered her face with her napkin and tried her best to suppress tears. They felt Jemma’s loss as much as I did, she was a part of our family and from day one she was with us, she stayed with us in holidays, she became my mum’s third daughter. I doubted we would all recover from her death, we would just learn to live with it.
Mum looked up from the napkin, “will you ... will you see her again?” she asked tentatively, her eyes glassy with tears.
“Yes,” I nodded with a smile and took a sip of my water, “I hope so.”
Chapter 11 - Six Months Old
Penny
I WAITED AT THE park bench that we had agreed to meet at. Now Ivy was getting bigger she liked to face outwards when we went out. She liked to see people and her surroundings and reach out to touch things, but Gail was right she was getting heavy. I saw him approach and my heart started to hammer with fear, fear of what he would say or want to do. He strode confidently over to the bench, giving me a quick wave as he did and a shy smile. He looked a lot better than the first time I’d seen him, clean shaven, his hair actually styled and he looked smart in his blue coat that was probably designer, his dark jeans and trainers.
“Hi,” he sat down next to me and Ivy’s head swivelled to see him, she smiled and he smiled at her. He felt large next to me, that was part of the intimidation, I suppose I was always the small one but with him it felt like he was more powerful than I could ever be.
“Hi,” I added nervously. “Look,” I turned to face him and with me, Ivy did too. He was distracted by taking her hands and making her smile. “Matthew...” I began.
“Matt,” he corrected me with a nod and met my eye.
“Matt,” I swallowed hard, “I um ... before we start whatever this is I want to be clear that although it wasn’t intended this way I am Ivy’s mother and I will not be changing that and I ...” he watched as I spoke and showed no sign of interrupting, his mouth closed and eyes narrowed with interest, “I am a good person, I don’t have much and I may have seemed to you to be some sort of gold digger but I genuinely wanted to help Jemma and you and I needed the money yes, I had plans but ...” my voice trailed off, “I can still do those things and I am a good mum and I am not ...” I hesitated, “the low life you seem to think I am.”
He nodded and inhaled a breath, covering his face quickly, “I said some shit back at the beginning that was uncalled for, I know you did this to help us and this was far from your plan and the words I used, the names I called you ... I’m sorry.” He finished simply. “I know this is weird but I would like to get to know Ivy and I know my parents would.”
I visibly inhaled at his words and he noticed my panic.
“My parents in slower time,” he added and I relaxed.
“I think we should do supervised visits between us for now until she’s used to you,” I nodded.
“Thank you,” he said quickly.
“And Matt ...” I began, “I know you think I should have considered adoption but for me that wasn’t an option.” I nodded quickly and he noted the stern look on my face.
“I’m glad,” he grinned and it was easy to see where Ivy got her adorable smiles from. “Because if not I’d have lost her.”
“Do you want to hold her?” I asked as his eyes moved down to the wriggling baby who sat between us, “she can sit up now.”
“Yeah,” he nodded eagerly, “wow, well done Ivy.” He said as I eased her out of the carrier and revealed her in her pink snowsuit. She looked back to me when I passed her over.
“It’s fine baby girl,” I cooed to her as he settled her onto his lap. “This is your daddy.” I said to her softly and she reached out and placed a gloved hand on my lips as I pursed them out for her to blow kisses of comfort as Matt held her as close as was possible with all our layers in the cool February day.
“I’m your daddy Ivy,” he rumbled over the top of her head, “and I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL, I’ve been dealing with some stuff but we’re gonna make this work.” He gave me a quick smile and I tried my best at providing a reassuring one back. Inside my heart was aching with terror and I had no idea who this guy was really, Jemma was the person I knew. I had to trust her judgement though, if she loved this guy then he must be a good person, he must be good enough to be Ivy’s dad. He was the only one she was going to get but I would be wary, wary until he proved me otherwise.
He turned her to face him and lifted her up, making silly noises and she laughed as she bounced through the air. Already he was more fun than me and we were on day one.
I tried to calm my fears as she reached out to touch his face with her little gloved hands.
I wanted to grab her back and scream that she was mine but who was that any good for? Only me, not them. Only me. As the girl that no one loved I realised the importance of having people, and really I should be glad that already my girl would have more people than I’d had.
Chapter 12 – Matthew
I COULD SEE THE concern on Penelope’s face. I saw that she thought I was going to try and take this baby away and who could blame h
er? She wasn’t part of the original plan but things had drastically changed. My feelings over Ivy began to change when my parents had held an intervention a couple of months ago to address the drinking and they forced me to take some time off work, dad slipped back into the role of MD and I saw a counsellor. I took my time to try and deal with losing Jemma as well and weaning myself off the alcohol.
We’d been together the majority of our lives and she was so far embedded into me that I felt lost without her. The house missed her neat freakishness and I barely slept unless something helped me, because she had always been there. My sweet, little Scottish girl who had a fiery temper when provoked and the biggest heart anyone could have wished for. Our final years had been tarnished by something that we could never have envisaged but I remembered the years before. I recalled it all every time I closed my eyes.
I hadn’t just lost my wife, I’d lost my life and the future we had planned together. She was the natural leader and so everything reminded me of her. The new build we purchased from plan at her insistence, the bathroom tiles that she chose when I wanted grey and she wanted cream. The finishing touches that made our house a home, all just screamed her. It surrounded me, it consumed me and it constricted my airways.
Through the counselling sessions I felt able to start to get rid of her things. I started slowly with her clothes and built up to other stuff but I kept her memories, I kept them safe for her and anyone else who may want to see them one day. I took down our wedding picture that hung over the fireplace, that was too much. I stored her phone and other personal items deep in the depths of what was her underwear drawer.
Over eight months I managed to make the house mine, I managed to see her things as both of ours and let them ease some of the pain. I still struggled to keep it tidy, I didn’t change the sheets as often as she did or manage to keep the washing from being a constant pile of discarded shit but I coped, I moved forward.
