by Hayley Oakes
“I’m always right.”
The week flew by, I laughed and cried but it was wonderful to be surrounded by people who loved me for me and didn’t worry about what that meant or who I was replacing. I grew in strength and decided that I should be more careful about who I choose to become involved with for my sake and for Ivy. My foster siblings Jayden, Cornelia, Sam and Brent were around for most of the week as well. The two older ones had moved out but the younger two were still living at home. Jayden had anger problems like me and was still trying to stay in control, he’d turned to alcohol and drugs in his teens and I guessed that was still a hot topic for him. Brent was born with foetal alcohol syndrome and so it was unlikely he’d ever move out of home but he was highly functioning, just didn’t have the best memory and hence didn’t do good in school. He worked for the dads so that filled his time. The other two were so normal they were borderline boring.
Gary hugged me often, told me how proud he was of me and they all played in the pool with Ivy so I could just relax.
“You know Penny,” Gary said as we sat with our feet dangling in the pool and watched as Sam pushed Ivy around in her blow up ring, “you’ll come out of this stronger.”
“I’m fine,” I sighed, “it was something and nothing and now I know I can deal with it.”
“You will,” he patted my hand, “you know there’s always a job here for you and a house and this family.”
I turned to him and grinned, “I know, thank you.”
“I often wished we’d tried harder to persuade you to move here,” he gave me a sad smile.
“Look I was seventeen and I was going to be a star,” I shook my head, “wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away back then.”
“And now?” he pushed.
“Now I have Ivy and she has a dad and a family, things I never had, things I want for her.” I told him honestly.
“You’re a good person,” he squeezed my hand, “we’ll always be here.”
“Maybe one day,” I squeezed him back, “but I’ll visit more.” I promised.
“I’ll hold you to that.” He pulled me to him and threw his arm over my shoulder, you’re my favourite,” he whispered, kissing my head.
“I know you tell all the kids that,” I laughed.
“It’s true, you all are,” he laughed back and I rested my head on his shoulder.
I flew home on a dismal and rainy Monday in September. We pushed our way through passport control and I jostled a tired one year old, trying to find my buggy on the carousel. It was seven at night and I was about to get into a queue for a taxi in the rain. I waited for our bag whilst she got settled in the buggy with snuggy bear. I managed to get my case and wheel that and the pushchair through ‘nothing to declare’. I pushed out into the busy airport, through the railings that held family back from arrivals and saw him.
My heart sank and my stomach flipped, what the hell?
“Penny,” he waved at me and I lowered my head walking forwards. “Penny!” he shouted again.
I came to a stop as he jogged to catch us up at the end of the railings, “Hi Matt.” I said flatly.
“Hi,” he grinned and pulled the bag from my hand, he ducked to look at Ivy and she was already asleep.
“How did you know my flight time?” I asked.
“Gail,” he grinned.
“Right,” I nodded, she’d text asking me for the details earlier and I assumed it was so she could check in with me later. I was surprised she’d given them up to him so easily.
“I’ll drive you home,” he told me and I stopped dead.
“Not necessary, Matt,” I said quickly.
“You look great,” he changed the subject, “did you have a good time?”
I cocked my head to the side, “are you hearing me?”
“I’d like to drive you,” he said matter-of-factly, his eyes meeting mine.
“I’m getting a cab,” I said, pulling the bag back from him and walking towards the exit.
“I thought we were going to be friends, I’ve come to pick up my daughter so she gets home safe,” he added through gritted teeth, looking frustrated.
“You wanted to be friends, I’m still thinking about whether that’s possible,” he took the bag back off me and I stood with my hand on my hip.
“Well we haven’t spoken properly since you threw me out of your flat and as I wasn’t aware you were thinking,” he narrowed his eyes at me, “I assumed we were friends.”
“I don’t need a lift,” I said again, grabbing my bag back and he groaned.
“Take the lift,” he said.
I shook my head and walked away.
Matt turned up as usual on Tuesday and I was ready to leave. He didn’t say anything about me leaving him at Heathrow and I didn’t admit that I should have taken the lift rather than pay the fifty quid taxi fair. Ivy as usual couldn’t wait to see him and had missed him on our week away, he looked over the moon when she said, “dadda.” I had packed her stuff, he would take her with him and lock up behind himself.
“See you later,” I kissed her head and left for my class.
I did the two hours and tried my best to concentrate but my mind kept wandering to the mess that was my life. Straight after Matt ended everything I was in survival mode and I wanted to carry on like that but now everything he did annoyed me and made me angry about things. He’d pursued me, he’d pushed me to define things and then ended it like he’d been forced to shag me kicking and screaming. He then turned up at the airport which was confusing and that annoyed me even more.
I’d asked Gail about it and she said he asked and she declined but then he said he had a right to know what time his daughter was back. She admitted she shouldn’t have intervened but felt like if she didn’t he may cause trouble. She said she’d never do that again. I believed her.
At the end of the class Roger lingered, “you’re not yourself Penny.” He grinned cheerily, “anything you want to talk about?”
I shook my head, “thanks Roger,” I sighed, “but I think it’s just time I need and maybe a stiff drink.”
“You wanna grab one or are you headed back for that sweet girl?” he watched me intently, hoping for a yes.
“Actually she’s staying at her dad’s, erm maybe ...”
“There’s a pub just over the way, let’s grab a quick drink and I’ll see if I can cheer you up,” he smiled and I relaxed, “I have so many tales about the hospital that’ll make you piss yourself laughing.” I grinned, Roger was an A&E nurse and he always had plenty of stories to tell.
I turned out the lights, locked up and we walked together into the dark streets. We laughed as we walked outside and a shadow moved to the right that made me jump, I stepped back and Roger jumped in front of me. It was Matt.
“Penny,” he said glaring at Roger.
“Where’s Ivy?” I asked.
“My mum’s,” he answered and I shook my head, unbelievable. He was farming her off on his mum already.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“I’m off to the pub with Roger,” I snapped, linking arms with Roger who looked between the two of us and smiled at Matt.
“Roger,” he nodded to Matt.
“Matt,” Matt said, walking in step next to us. “Ivy’s dad.”
“Right,” Roger nodded and stopped, “um Penny let’s reschedule.”
“No,” I shook my head and tried to make him move again.
“It’s clear that Matt here needs to speak to you and ...”
“I don’t want to speak to him,” I told him flatly and he looked at Matt apologetically.
“She doesn’t want to speak to you,” he told him and we all started walking again.
“Then I’ll walk with you two and sit with you until she agrees,” Matt grinned and I gave him a sharp look.
“Then I’ll take Roger back to mine,” I rushed out.
“Then I’ll sit outside until he leaves.”
“Then he’ll stay,” I added acidly.
“Then I’ll stay,” we stopped walking, were facing each other with matching grimaces and Roger was caught between us.
“Penny,” Roger turned to me and put his arm around me, “maybe give him a few minutes and we’ll get together after Thursday’s class?” he said gently.
I smiled and took a deep breath, covering my forehead with my hand, “yes sorry Roger, sorry to get you mixed up in ... this.” He was my customer after all, I shouldn’t have involved him in the street fight anyway.
“It’s fine,” he glanced to Matt and then to me and nodded, “text me later.”
I nodded.
Matt didn’t take his eyes off me, I kept my head ducked down and had my hands on my hips, “what?” I asked harshly as I lifted my head.
“Can we talk?” he asked gently.
“No,” I shook my head.
He stepped forward into the space that Roger had left, his face looked troubled and his eyes begged me. “Penny,” he uttered, “just give me a moment.”
“Shoot,” I said, “this is your moment.”
The night was cool and dark and a light sheen of rain had started to fall. “I’m sorry,” he said softly and I closed my eyes, swallowing hard.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said quietly.
“It matters,” he said, “I’m sorry and that night I said I needed to think not that I didn’t want you.”
I shook my head and my heart started to thud wildly, my eyes filled with tears and I covered my ears, “no!” I shouted, “no, Matt.”
“Penny...” he began but I turned and started to walk away. He grabbed me as I walked and pulled me back to him, my back pressed up against his hard body. I was held so tightly in place that I couldn’t move. “I said I needed to think, I said I needed to make sure that what we had wasn’t me making you fit some mould and it wasn’t. I love you Penny, I wanted you, wanted us and Ivy and I miss you.” He whispered it so closely to my ear that my body shivered involuntarily. I pushed hard on his arms and dug my fingernails into his forearms until he released me.
I spun around quickly, “I’m so glad you had time to think Matt, so glad you decided that what we had was real and not some bullshit you needed to get over your wife.” The tears began to streak down my face as I shouted at him in the street.
“Penny,” devastation crossed his face and my traitorous heart ached to see that look on his face. He stepped forward again.
“Stop!” I yelled and he stayed put, “you don’t get to decide when you can pick me up and put me down. I didn’t sleep with you because I wanted a husband or a boyfriend, I liked you, I thought you were the perfect guy and so nice and respectful. I thought Jemma must have been the luckiest woman alive.” I sobbed as my words left me in a tumble of emotion, “and she was because you loved her and you didn’t doubt how you felt about her, but I won’t live in the shadow of a ghost anymore, I’ll find someone who loves me.” I told him, wiping my eyes, “leave me alone.”
“I love you!” he yelled, pointing to his chest with both hands, “for you!” He growled and I shook my head.
“You broke my heart,” I wailed, “you sucked me in and look at me now, I never cry.”
His eyes started to shine with his own tears and he stepped forward again, “I don’t want to see you cry,” he looked defeated, “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, “it’s too much, too much baggage and too many issues, just go. Let’s just be friends.”
“You said no to friends,” he croaked.
“In time,” I nodded. “Maybe in time.” I stepped backwards and turned away from him. He didn’t follow and my tears continued to fall as I dashed to the bus stop and sat waiting for my bus taking deep, calming breaths.
Chapter 37 - Matthew
WELL SHIT.
IT DIDN’T look like Penny was exactly on board with the fact that I told her I loved her. I suppose the timing was off, I should have maybe bided my time a bit better, waited a few days maybe even weeks until she could bear to be in the same room as me. The time I’d been thinking she had too, I’d been wondering if we were right together and she’d been stewing. It seemed.
The weeks that followed were tough, we saw each other to pass Ivy over only and I tried to be cordial but she just remained impassive. I couldn’t blame her, she was protecting herself and I had let her down. The latest in a long line of people letting her down.
I never pretended I had my shit together but what I didn’t expect was that she didn’t care, she was happy to have what I could give and yet after the talk with my mum I worried she wanted more.
Three weeks after she returned from Spain I was at Mum and Dad’s for dinner, “so how’s Penny?” Mum asked, “we never get a chance to speak to her on Wednesday mornings, she’s always rushing off.”
“Fine,” I nodded, mopping chilli up with some garlic bread. Lydia had gone on a date with some fireman who was far too young for her, according to Mum, so she wasn’t there to take the heat off me.
“Are you two still ..?”
“No,” I shook my head, so far I had avoided their questions on the topic but tonight I was too exposed to avoid her direct approach.
“Since when?” she needled, Dad looked on with interest.
“Since Ivy’s birthday, since you told me to step back and I did and now she hates me,” I scowled.
“I said make sure you don’t hurt her!” Mum flapped, “what the hell happened?”
“You said make sure you’re with her for the right reasons, so I spoke to her and we took a break and now,” I sighed, “you know what it’s none of your business.” I snapped.
“Right,” she nodded and looked to Dad in alarm, “and are you upset?” she tittered.
“Yeah,” I glared at her, “you know what?” I threw my napkin down, “Jemma wasn’t perfect, she was seeing someone else when she died and I found all the messages on her phone. She did the surrogacy thing with Penny, although Penny had been one of the children she safeguarded at work.” I watched as Mum’s eyes widened, “I didn’t know this until I got to know Penny and she’s such a nice person that she can’t see how that’s inappropriate,” I shook my head, “my marriage was over way before Jemma died and if I’d met Penny after we split you would have thought nothing of me dating her.”
Mum clicked her tongue, “I don’t condone what Jemma did but we should never speak ill of the dead.”
“I’m not speaking ill of her,” I pushed my plate away, “but she was no fuckin’ angel, I loved her, I’ll always love her for the things we shared and lived through but I doubt very much if she were here that we’d be together now.”
“So?”
“So you made me feel like I’d got with Penny too soon, but I didn’t.” I raged.
“I just didn’t want you to break her heart after the life she’s lead and so sue me if I thought you deserved a higher earning girlfriend,” she held up her hands.
“You,” I pointed at Mum, “are skating on thin ice, never mention money to me again and I broke her heart good and proper so that’s that done.” I stood to leave.
“Matt!” she yelped as I stormed out of the room.
“Matt!” I heard my dad behind me as I made it quickly to the front door. I stopped and he appeared at my side, “we love you son, we want you to be happy and she never means to interfere but she can’t help it.”
“I was happy Dad,” I said with a tight smile.
“Then bloody well get her back,” he patted my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, “make her see your point of view.”
I lowered my head, “I think that ship has sailed.”
“Where there’s emotion, there’s hope,” he squeezed me again and I nodded.
“Thanks Dad.”
I got home earlier than I thought and flicked on the TV, grabbing a beer. I settled on the sofa and was channel surfing when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I expected it to be my mum checking up and groaned but quickly saw it was Penny and swiped accept.
“Penny?” I said.
“Matt,” she croaked, she’d been crying.
“What is it?” I jumped up to sit on the edge of the sofa.
“I’m at A&E,” she said quietly, “I’m waiting to be seen, it’s Ivy they think...” her voice broke.
“What?” I urged.
“She had a high temperature, I couldn’t get it down and I went to primary care and they sent me here, they think it could be meningitis.”
“Shit,” I jumped up to standing, “which hospital?” I rushed out, grabbing my keys, already walking to the door.
“The Royal,” she said as I was already out the door and pressing the key fob to open my car.
“I’ll be twenty minutes,” I said quickly, hung up and reversed screeching out of my driveway.
I drove like a maniac through the traffic and pulled up at the Royal, turning into the car park and taking a token for my car. I rushed inside to the busy A&E department and straight to reception. “My daughter was brought in,” I said panicked.
“Name?” the woman asked, looking at me over her glasses like she was bored out of her brain.
“Ivy Strauss,” I told her.
“Date of Birth?” she asked.
I had to think, “um sixteenth of August twenty sixteen.”
“Right, they’ve been sent up to children’s ward, Ward nine, follow the signs,” she pointed to the right and I set off at speed.
I found the ward and the doors were locked, it wasn’t visiting hours, I pressed the buzzer, “my daughter was brought in,” I said into the intercom. “Ivy Strauss.”
“Push the door,” the lady said, buzzing me inside. I pushed inside and walked down the corridor to the nurses’ station.
“Ivy Strauss?” I asked.
“Keep walking, second door on the right.” I nodded thanks and set off. I walked through the door to find four beds with curtains pulled round.
“Penny?” I said loudly into the room and she appeared suddenly from behind one of the curtains.
“Matt,” she looked drained and worried and her mouth turned up in a half smile like she was relieved to see me. I walked straight to her and pulled her into a hug, looking over her shoulder to see Ivy. She was stripped down to her nappy, was asleep and her hair was stuck to her head with sweat. She had a cannula in her little hand that had a drip attached intravenously feeding her drugs.
