by Hayley Oakes
“Penny!” I shouted jogging after her, she slowed down but didn’t stop. I jogged to get to her and met her just before a walking path that led from my new build housing estate to a patch of grass and man-made pond. “Hey,” I said a little out of breath.
“Hi,” she said, looking to the floor but walking slowly forward.
“You okay?” I asked, stupid question but I needed to figure shit out.
“Um,” she reached inside the front pouch of her hoody and passed me a piece of paper. I opened the folder piece of A4 and noticed the penmanship straight away, Jemma. My heart stuttered and I felt a little sick at the thought of what it could be. I stopped walking, the day was cold and my hands were icy from only being out in the elements for a few minutes but holding the paper and reading the words made me feel numb. I had completely forgotten about this envelope. I stashed it, I remembered now. It was in her handbag along with her purse and other knick-knacks. I kept the purse, her shattered phone that was recovered from the road and the jewellery she always wore. I just threw them in a drawer and the letter, it meant nothing then. To me it was addressed to a person I had very little feelings for except disdain and someone who I had no intention of dealing with. Now that person was Penny, a woman that I loved and who I would cover in my body if it meant she’d never get hurt. Shit.
The words washed over me and I could hear Jemma saying them. I could imagine her writing this letter. To the outside world our life was perfect, we had the best house, the most amazing marriage, the picture perfect life and only we knew how low we had sunk. We hid it from the world and I knew she would struggle to explain that to anyone, especially Penny, the girl she had coerced into having our child with the promise of an idyllic life.
“Wow,” I blew out a breath and looked down to see Penny’s tear stained face and red eyes. She gave me a sad smile. “I’m sorry,” I said, my own gaze softening.
She shrugged, “no it’s fine, I mean I knew how you felt, you told me as much and this is an old letter it just .... I felt for her and it made me feel ...”
“What?” I urged.
“Like I’ve stolen her life,” she squeaked out and tears began to fall again. I pulled her into a hug and realised suddenly that she stood in only her hoody and leggings, so I pulled off my coat to wrap around her.
“Pen,” I sighed, “this letter is bob on.” I squeezed her tightly to me, “our life together was damn near over, the night she died she asked me for a divorce.” I admitted quietly and she laid her head on my chest. “I think if she was here there’s no way I’d still be in that house, not the way it was. I loved her but we’d lost what made us tick as a couple ... a long time ago.”
“I know you said things weren’t right but I always thought you were on board with the baby and just refused her because of what happened,” she said into my chest.
I placed an arm round her and we started to walk, “things were tough,” I said gently, we found a bench by the side of the pond and I motioned for us to sit. She sat carefully and I leaned forward with my head in my hands, “I’m not proud of who I was then,” I turned back and smiled at her, “we were living separate lives and the things that Jemma needed I just didn’t and the things I needed her to do to save things, she wouldn’t even consider.”
“Like?” Penny probed.
“Like I didn’t think we needed a child, I thought we needed to remember who we’d been and enjoy our lives doing all the stuff we could never have done with kids. That wasn’t an option for Jemma,” I shrugged and leaned back on the bench.
“I hate that she died not knowing how much you love Ivy and I bet if she’d have seen that then it would have made things right,” she said blinking through tears.
I slid an arm around her shoulder and kissed her head, “none of those things happened Penny. My wife and I were not on the same page, she died and I found you. I hate that she died but I love that I’m happy and I’m sorry that letter upset you.” I swallowed hard.
“It upset me because I liked her so much, Matt. She was the nicest person to me when I was a little kid and she found Gary and Leon for me when I had no options left and she deserved to be happy,” she nestled her head into my collar bone.
“We all deserve to be happy,” I told her softly, “before she died she was seeing someone from work.” Penny pulled back from me and she looked at me with confusion. I shrugged, “I don’t think it was serious, I mean I saw the messages and they weren’t about to run away together but she was unhappy. I didn’t make her happy.” I admitted, “I hate that I made her last months so hard, I hate myself for it and sometimes I feel guilty that I have everything she always wanted and love it.”
Penny snuggled back into me and wrapped her arm over my stomach, “you know you’re right, we can’t worry about ‘what if’ just try and be happy now. I mean life is so short and Ivy is so lucky to have so many people who want her and care about her. I never had that.”
I rubbed her arm gently over the top of my coat, “you’ve got that now Penny, I care, I always will and I’m going nowhere.”
She didn’t say anything just nodded and sniffed.
“You good?” I asked a few moments later and she pulled her head back to look at me.
“However it happened, fate, by default or even by accident I’m glad I found you Matt. You always make me feel like I deserve to be happy,” she croaked and I wiped away her tears with my thumbs.
“You deserve it all Penny, I’m gonna make sure you get it.” I bent to kiss her and she let me linger on her lips.
“Sorry I freaked out again,” she uttered.
“Sorry I let you find that note,” I replied.
“I thought couples were supposed to scream and shout at each other not keep apologising,” she smirked and I stood and pulled her up to stand under my arm.
“There’s plenty of time for that when you move into my house,” I squeezed her lightly.
The house got packed up and cleaned. The new owners wanted a lot of the furniture and the rest of it I donated to a local charity who provided furniture for people in need. I didn’t want to be reminded of my old life, not that it was all bad but I deserved to move on. I deserved to hold the good memories dear and choose things for myself. I thought a lot about my own identity, I hadn’t had that for such a long time as Jemma was the driving force in our relationship. She let me have input but never the final decision. The past year and a half since her death I’d made decisions and realised I wasn’t half bad at them. Also Penny looked to me to direct her at times and I liked that too. My new house was going to be a mixture of mine and hopefully Penny’s tastes, a true joint project.
We spent Sunday evening being treated to a pub roast dinner by my parents with my sisters. Penny and my sisters got on great and she was always interested in Lydia’s embarrassing dating stories and the ongoing saga of the horse, despite none of us being bothered. Ellen seemed broodier and broodier around Ivy and I wondered if it wouldn’t be long until she and Chad had a baby.
That night we drove home and Ivy was already asleep when we pulled into my driveway. The house was minimal at this point and my last night sleeping there would be the following Wednesday. I’d probably blag sleeping at Penny’s after than until my kitchen was in at least.
I took Ivy up to change her then slip her into bed and when I returned Penny was curled on the one remaining sofa almost asleep.
“Busy day huh?” I asked, sliding in next to her and rubbing her gently.
“Yeah,” she smiled at me, “thank you for telling me about everything,” she said softly.
“You got any exes and issues I should know about?” I teased with a smirk.
“I think you pretty much know exactly how many men haven’t been great in my life,” she sighed and I pulled her into me.
“You know I need to stay with you for a few weeks don’t you?” I asked, kissing her head.
“I sort of assumed you would,” she said in a sleepy voice. “We have no room
for any of your stuff though.”
“I travel light,” I uttered as her eyes closed again. “I promise I’ll be tidy.”
“Not possible,” she murmured with a smile traced on her lips.
Chapter 44 - Sixteen Months
Penny
CHRISTMAS CAME TO US and it was good. The year before had been a none event with me trying my best to stay afloat with the money I wasn’t earning. Ivy’s second Christmas was a million miles away from that.
Matt was five weeks into his house renovation and the kitchen was still not complete but the bedrooms were decorated and furniture had been purchased. We’d spent our weekends trawling furniture and DIY shops. I’d helped Matt choose wallpaper, carpet and mused over the difference between molten melba and toasted almond. It was exhausting and exciting all at the same time and our one-year-old hated shopping ... fact.
The Dads had stopped trying to entice me to Spain for the season. We’d had an awkward FaceTime that included Matt. Gary had invited all three of us to Spain in the New Year so he could grill Matt more. Matt wasn’t aware that this would be an extended grill.
“They seem nice,” he’d said afterwards and I’d had to have an immediate glass of wine to settle my nerves and forget Leon’s stink eye.
Christmas Eve was spent curled up in my bulging at the seams flat and Christmas Day with Matt’s family. In one year mine and Ivy’s lives had only been enriched by her extended family, at first I was daunted but the past few months I felt accepted by Matt’s parents in a way that was touching. On Christmas Day night when we were tired, a little tipsy and the three of us slept in Matt’s childhood bedroom, I received a message on Facebook. I rarely used Facebook, in fact the only platform I did use was a page for Sanfords that I was the main admin for. Gail was too busy for social media and Serena had enough of her own to manage. I was posting a Christmas message for all the dancers when the message caught my eye.
At first I thought it was because I’d drank too much wine but when I re-read the message I sat up straighter in bed.
“Oh my God,” I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand.
“What?” Matt sat up in bed too, he was bare-chested and wore only boxers. We were illuminated by the light from the TV only.
“Um,” I glanced over to him with tears in my eyes, “Sanfords got a message ... for me.” I whispered the last part.
“And?” he looked confused and concerned.
“My brother,” I croaked, “Raf and my baby sister, Fran. It’s them.”
“It is?” he scooted closer to get a look at my phone screen.
“I don’t know how they found me or even knew I worked here, I suppose my picture is on there but ...” I was lost for words with emotion so Matt took my phone and read the message.
“This is a message for Penelope Strauss, I hope you can get this to her, it’s her brother and sister, Rafferty and Francesca and we’d like to know if she wants to meet,” he read. “Oh my God Pen,” he said elated, “your brother and sister.”
“I know,” my voice was full of emotion and my heart tingled with something, God knows what. “I had no idea who they were now and if they’d even remember me.” I said aghast.
“Merry Christmas babe,” Matt dropped to kiss my bare shoulder. “You better send a message back.”
“I will,” I said with shaking hands, “I just don’t know what yet.”
Three days later my brother had my phone number and we had been messaging about meeting up.
“You want me to come with you?” Matt asked. We’d put Ivy to bed and he was giving me a hard, serious stare as I sent another message whilst we sat on my beat up old sofa.
I smiled at him, my stomach was in knots about the meeting. I had no idea who these people were now and it equally scared and excited me. It was a strange sensation. It had been two decades since I’d been near a member of my own family. “I’d like that,” I said quietly and he pulled me into a hug.
“Me too, Pen,” he added gruffly, “I don’t like the idea of you meeting strangers alone.”
“They’re my family,” I protested, pulling away from him and feeling a little irritated.
“I know,” he swallowed hard, “but you know nothing about them now, let’s meet them and take it from there.” He took a deep breath and I nodded. “He can meet tomorrow, they really want to meet me.”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” Matt moved closer to me, “I bet they can’t wait to meet their big sister.”
“I guess I haven’t told you too much about my mum,” I shrugged, placing my phone down and turned to face him.
“I know enough,” he reached out and touched my face gently and gave me a kind smile, “but I’m ready for more if you are.”
I took a deep breath, “I remember her being beautiful,” I nodded.
“Obviously,” he kissed my head and took my hand as I faced him on the sofa.
“There were lots of people always in our house, I cared for the little ones, I remember not having anything one Christmas when all I wanted was my own doll and not the one I played with at school.” I took a deep breath but it was unsteady as emotion swept over me. “I didn’t realise how wrong that was until I had Ivy and wanted her to have the world.” I held back tears. “I’ve read my file, I know she chose men over us and she left us home alone when she partied. My memories are foggy but the kids ... I really remember them and making food for them.” I gave him a sad smile, “I think she loved her life and wanted to be loved by each boyfriend more than she ever really wanted us.”
A tear escaped and I quickly wiped it away, Matt squeezed my hand.
“Then Raff and Fran found adoptive parents and I was a problem child,” I uttered, “no one really wanted to keep me because I was hard work.”
“Because of what you’d been through,” Matt said in a quiet, encouraging voice.
“I was used to being in charge and I didn’t want to be a little kid,” I shook my head, “but then I got to the dads and they helped me realise I didn’t have to fight every battle alone.”
“You don’t,” Matt pulled me into a hug, “you never have to ever again.”
I felt loved swaddled in his warmth and he held me tightly until I felt like I could let go.
“Do you think your mum will have Ivy tomorrow so we can go and meet them?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” he said into my hair.
I was so nervous, I kept wringing my hands together as I sat in Matt’s passenger seat and he drove us to where we had agreed to meet my siblings. It was a pub in Woking, halfway between where we lived and where my siblings lived. I had applied my makeup carefully, blow-dried my hair into sleek folds and chosen a smart knitted dress with tights and brown knee high boots. Matt looked equally smart in a fine knit sweater and jeans, he kept looking at me with concern in between throwing out encouraging smiles.
I felt terrible that I had no idea who these two were, I didn’t remember their birthdays and knew from my file that there was two years between us all so Raff would be twenty-four and Fran twenty-two. We were early when Matt parked the car and turned off the engine, “you look beautiful,” he grinned.
“Thank you,” I turned to look out of the window. “I hope they like me.”
“They’ll love you,” he said from behind me and even though it helped, it didn’t ease my nerves.
We waited ten minutes and then went inside. I’d reserved a table for lunch and so I told the greeter we had arrived.
“Oh two of the party are already here,” she said cheerily and my heart skipped a beat, my stomach was in anxious knots but Matt just placed his hand behind me and we followed the lady to the table. I couldn’t focus on anything else when I saw the back of a blonde head with long, flowing hair like mine, I knew it was Fran. Then my eyes settled on a man sat opposite her with light, brown hair styled into a slick fold of on top of his head with the rest short at the sides. He had my blue eyes and when they met mine from across the room he stood up. I stopped
in my tracks and Matt just stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, waiting.
Raff looked tearful, Fran turned and saw me then they both moved from in front of their chairs to walk towards me. I began to walk again and the first to hug me was Fran. She was crying and holding me and then arms wound round us both and it was Raff. He was taller than us both but not as tall as Matt. “Penelope,” he was saying, “Penelope.”
Fran was sobbing and I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing. I quickly realised where we were, in a busy pub where people were most likely staring and so I pulled back and Matt took my hand standing behind me as a wall of safety. “Sit,” Rafferty said, it seemed all he could manage through the emotion and so I took a seat next to him and Matt took the one opposite me. I wiped my eyes and tried to compose myself.
“Hi,” I said and they both smiled. We looked alike, there was no denying it. Fran was just beautiful, she was well cared for and her makeup looked professional. She was breathtakingly beautiful and I smiled at how well she had turned out. Raff was also good looking and streamlined, we weren’t of stocky genetics and he looked like he took care of himself.
“Hi,” Raff took my hand from the seat next to me, “I can’t believe we finally found you.” He grinned and Fran took a deep breath.
“We’ve been looking for years,” she said, their accents were more clipped than mine, they were well spoken and impeccably dressed, someone had loved them and that made my heart soar at the thought.
“You both look so well,” I grinned, “I mean I just didn’t know what to expect but you’ve had good parents?” I asked with glassy eyes.
“Yes,” Rafferty nodded enthusiastically, “you?”
I glanced to Matt and he nodded encouragement, “um I was in various foster homes for years and then at twelve I found my forever family.” I told them.
