by Dee Ellis
“You dicks need to lay off. Let the kids be whatever they want to be.” Before I could argue, not that I had a right to claim otherwise, the girls stepped out.
Besides Lola and Gigi, Cage’s sisters Regan and Tegan, and Charli’s sisters Maisie and Sadie would be in Charli’s wedding. A rainbow of different hues of purple lined up behind us. My eyes saw only Lola; in her deep lavender dress, she was a fucking vision. My chest seized and my throat tightened. Even my palms got sweaty.
Lola was beaming, giggling with her friends and her eyes were soft. Fuck, she was stunning. Those soft violet eyes swung to mine and she flushed. Pink tinted her cheeks, the tip of her button nose, all the way to the swell of her breasts. Her dress was cut low enough I could see cleavage, but not low enough I’d have to knock teeth out.
It draped beneath her breasts, leaving her shoulders bare, and almost hit the floor. I saw a flash of her thigh and immediately wondered what panties she was wearing. If any. Lola shot me a look in the mirror and I just knew she could read my thoughts.
“Wow, ladies,” Finn’s voiced boomed through the quiet as we all turned, “Look at all the pretty. And look at you, Sweet Girl.” Finn said this to all the ladies, even managed to smile their way, but his eyes never left his girl.
I glanced to my left at Cage, who was beaming at his bride-to-be, though she was just in jeans and a sweater. For the briefest moment, I felt jealous of what the two of them had. Then my eyes came back to Lola.
For the first time, I got scared. Well, for the first time, it felt like actual fear. Fear of what damage we had both seen and could cause each other. Panic that I might hurt her because, though I had done everything at first not to, I’d hurt my wife. Driven her away. The idea of losing Lola, it gutted me.
Standing there in that shop with our closest friends, it felt really fucking real. Like we were starting something. The kind of something that meant weekends with friends, dinners at home, and waffles on Sundays.
I didn’t know if I was capable of it. Of making it work and not fucking her over the way I had Holly. I knew from how quickly Lola could lose that softness that she had been hurt, but good.
Was I ready to risk hurting the most genuine and special person I’d ever known?
“You look lovely.” My voice was rough when I finally spoke, after a pointed glare from Charli.
“Thank you. As do you, Pumpkin.” After realizing what she’d called me, Lola flushed; but no worse than I did.
“Come here.” I didn’t wait for her to listen, stepping forward to reach for her hand.
The others were paired up with their ladies, or the woman they would be walking with. Besides the three of us idiots, Cage had asked Charli’s brother to stand in, while her oldest gave her away. Finn eyed Colton, who would walk with Gigi, a bit warily, but his eyes were on his petite blonde wife, who walked with Levi. Of all of us, only I got to walk with my lady. Lola stepped up beside me, taking the arm I held out for her.
“Let’s see how we look.” I winked at her, smiling so hard my face hurt.
“How could we be anything but dazzling?” Lola giggled, hooking her little hand around my bicep.
Dazzling. Lola wasn’t wrong. Jesus, Christ; we looked amazing together. Not because of the dress or the suit, even. It was really the first time I had looked at us together. Like a real couple. We looked like we belonged together, and that made no sense, but we did.
Lola’s striking hair, with oil spill colors of blue and purple, her bright purple eyes, and soft smile. Her creamy skin with a smattering of pretty tattoos. My darker eyes and complexion, bald head, and the many tattoos that peaked out, even from the long sleeves of the suit. We fit.
How the others watched us, seeming to agree, was not lost on me. Lola’s flushed skin, the way the pulse at her slender neck thrummed, I knew she felt the same. Went a long way in explaining the fear in her lovely eyes. Meeting her eyes in the mirror, I pressed my hand over hers to soothe her.
Meanwhile, I was terrified; what business did I have getting the girl? A girl I was bound to hurt, even though all I wanted was to protect her. Just the idea of what harm I could cause her, on top of the wounds I knew she still dealt with, made me sick.
Truth was, I didn’t have the right to Lola; the fucked-up part was I was going to take her any damn way.
10
It was almost spring—I loved spring—and my life was about as idyllic as it could be. Which explained my complete terror the past two weeks. Because, I don’t get idyllic. Not in springtime. Not ever.
Hunter was scared, I knew that. But, he wasn’t quitting, and that scared the shit out of me. Every night for over a month, unless he was on call—sometimes even if he was—ended with me in his arms. Either at my place or his. Usually, his place. I was positively, absolutely, head in the clouds crazy about one sexy beast named Hunter Byrne. Crazy shit? I think he was even crazier about me.
“Jesus Christ, Darlin’,’ Hunter’s groans from this morning burned white hot need through me, “That thing you do with your tongue...goddamn.” I was a bit in lust with his cock. Okay, like, a lot in lust.
I woke him often with blowjobs; turned out I was pretty damn good at them. It always led to his head between my legs, and that was a nice way to be repaid. But really, it was about his cock.
I loved it. It was what all others dicks should aspire to be like. Thick and heavy, wide, long, velvety smooth. And I swear to God, his cum tastes like maple syrup. Put a bible in front of me, I’ll swear on that shit.
“Fuck, baby. Come here. I don’t want to come without your pussy on my tongue.” Hunter flipped me and his mouth was at said pussy and I was coming moments later, while greedily taking his down my throat.
Hunter never went off just once; we spent almost too long in the shower, and he gave me two more orgasms before the sun was even up. Showers were my favorite thing now. With those big hands, he soaped me up, paying close attention to the dirtiest part between my legs.
Then he’d bend me over, twist my short hair in his fist, and take me fast and hard. Harder got me there faster and made him come until his toes curled on the sea glass tiles. The look in his eyes when he took me was reverent, and I loved it. I might fool myself into thinking we got to have this.
Then I would leave for work and within blocks—I had grown to love the walk—I would realize it was impossible. Of course, we didn’t get to have this. It was too fucking good. People didn’t really get to have something so good.
Hunter rubbed my feet at night and played with my hair in bed. He always made me breakfast—his waffles were to die for—and he let me control what we watched. Bonus, he made me come until I saw stars.
Two nights ago, he tied me to his bed, spanked me with his belt—I had gone out without panties or a bra to taunt him during dinner with our friends—and fucked me for hours. And I had loved every dark, twisted moment of it.
I gave complete control to Hunter in bed. I had never felt so satisfied, so wanted and cherished, and so goddamn dirty. But a way that felt so fucking good.
“You drive me fucking crazy,” Hunter had panted into my ear as he pounded into me from behind, “You give me everything. Every inch of you, and I won’t ever stop taking, Darlin’. Not ever.” With a tight grip around my throat, his belt binding my arms behind my back, I could only whimper.
I would give for however long Hunter wanted to take. Because he fucking gave too. The day we had that fitting for Charli’s wedding, it had become so real. So fucking real.
I’d looked at us in that mirror, and I didn’t see us dressed for their wedding. I saw us; just us, as a couple that looked like we made sense. Like we had a future. Jesus Christ, I wanted that.
Then today, as I walked in the sunny spring air, full of waffles and hope, I knew we couldn’t. Because the shadows were there, even in the daylight. Those shadows reminded me I couldn’t give myself to Hunter completely. Fuck, he didn’t even know me; not my name, not where I came from, and not why shadows te
rrified me.
Because those shadows weren’t empty like they were before. Hunter made them less scary, but without his cocoon of safety, I saw him. Saw him watching me as I crossed the street, smiling after kissing Hunter goodbye at the firehouse. Right out in the open with my happiness, I didn’t even look at first. Then, there he was.
Seth.
I hadn’t seen him since my first months in Chicago. I thought for sure he had given up. Gotten bored. Then the mugging. A break in at my first apartment. Then another. It had been months though, and now I was tasting happiness…until he soured it for me.
I walked briskly, and the shadows followed; Seth knew how to use them well. Just as I reached the library, my hands shaking and tears stinging my eyes, I heard him. That fucking laugh of his. A laugh I had once loved. How had I loved that? How had I ever loved him?
“Like the boyfriend, babes.” That was all he said, and it was plenty.
Charli took one look at me and led me to her office. The moment the lock clicked, I fell apart. Charli was on the ground with me, holding me as I cried like a baby. I tried to keep this shit to myself. I never wanted to involve anyone, but now it was too late.
These people—Gigi and Charli, Coopers boys and even Levi—they were a part of my life now. Hunter was my whole fucking life now, and I didn’t want Seth to take it away. He’d taken everything else.
“Oh, sweetie. I need you to talk to me, Lola bear.” I shook my head; not because I couldn’t. Because I had someone else to talk to first.
“Hunter. Please. Please get Hunter.” Charli led me to the leather couch in one corner, and then I heard her talking fast and low.
Charli came back to sit beside me, taking my trembling hands in hers. I almost felt safe. I knew it was over. All of it. I had to move on again. Like I had the first time Seth found me, just months after I fled. I’d liked Pittsburgh, too. Not as much as home.
Not nearly as much as I loved Chicago, now. I’d finally made Chicago, my job and these people, my home. And Seth was forcing me to give it up. I was too afraid of what might happen if I risked staying. Even though the idea of leaving shattered all the good shit I’d let myself feel.
Just as Charli started to ask questions, the door flew open. I didn’t even move, but I was in Hunter’s arms. I heard him say thank you to Charli, and we were moving.
I clutched at him as he carried me from the library, my limbs weak and shaky, heart racing and skin clammy. I felt him set me in his truck and then, moments later, I was lifted again. Hunter felt like safety. Like cuddling at home on a Friday night with the lights on and a rom-com on the TV. Simple and safe; very little about how he made me feel felt simple or safe, though.
“We’re home, Darlin’.” Bright light brought him into focus, and I pressed closer.
“Don’t...don’t go. Please.” I tried to kiss him, but he refused and I went ice cold with panic.
“This ends now.” I cried out, my heart cracking deep and wide, before he soothed me whole again, “Oh, no. Not us. Us—that’s just getting started, Darlin’. I mean you keeping me out. Giving me just enough; your just enough isn’t enough for me anymore, baby. I want it all. All of the dark, the shadows, the scars. The ugly. I want it now. Look at me, Lola,” I obeyed, relishing his weight as he surrounded me, pinning me to the sofa in his place.
“I want you. I am absolutely fucking terrified of it. Of how bad and how much, I want you, baby. Scared of hurting you. I want you too much to let the fear win. Right now, today, you tell me your shit, I tell you mine. No more dodging me, baby. As much as I love your tactic, keeping me buried deep in your pussy is not going to work. I want you, Lola Von. All of you.” And then, he did kiss me.
Only it wasn’t a kiss, so much as a statement. An affirmation. That all the talk was more than talk. The dirty whispers against my ear while he was, in fact, deep inside me, the silly ones in the dark. It was all real and scary, and it wasn’t going away just because of the shadows that terrified me.
Because, I was scared of Seth. I was more afraid of ruining what we had. Hunter was more than home; he was my anchor. I didn’t want to move from this place we had found, and I would drown in it because it was that fucking important. That Goddamn good. All of that, in one, sweet, lingering kiss.
“I was married too. You knew that. I got married when I was nineteen. He was a rock star, I thought. When really, he was a manic-depressive whore of a man, who guzzled pills and booze to numb pain he’d never known. His fans thought he was a tortured artist,” I snorted a laugh as I thought of the life Seth had led behind the emo curtains he hid behind,
“Tortured from the ocean views of his family’s home in the Maldives. Seth was a spoiled rich kid, just like me. Uh…my uh...parents are Senators in Maine. We were rich and privileged, and we did all the things that spoiled rich kids did. We ran away when he started a rock band with his frat brothers,” Hunter adjusted us so I was on his lap in the corner of the couch. I snuggled closer, needing his strength to get through this; and like always, he gave it to me.
“I thought there were other girls. I think I cared once. By the time I caught him, I don’t think I did. Not really. I was relieved that I could walk away, I think. Except, Seth didn’t want me to walk away. Instead,” As I explained what he had done that day with the groupie, Hunter let go of an animalistic sound that echoed off the walls, “and then...he thought we should get married,”
I wasn’t entirely honest here. There was one piece of this story I don’t think I’d ever share. It was just mine. I don’t think I could bare to tell him, especially. Hunter rubbed my back and kissed my face as he listened.
“I don’t think I believed I had a choice. By then, Seth controlled everything. What I wore, where I went, who I spoke to. I just went along. I let him...take things from me...things that I won’t ever get back. Our wedding night he took the rest. We eloped to Vegas—I was so fucking stupid; I thought it was romantic. Before then…I’d done things I didn’t want to with him. That night....” Hunter tightened his hold on me.
“I need it all, baby. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what pieces are broken, Lola Bear. You’re wrong, though.” I lifted my head, shocked I wasn’t crying; but I’d cried enough over Seth.
“Wrong? About what?” Hunter lit in the widest, brightest, softest smile, his dimple flashing.
“Every single thing he took from you? I’ll spend my life giving it back to you, Darlin’. Just let me know what I need to give you.” I swooned, very loudly, my mouth crashing against his as I climbed his big body.
For a few moments, the words stopped and we just felt. I tasted the sweet honey, mint flavor that always grounded me. Anchored me. Breathed deep the fiery, woodsy scent that clung to Hunter and I now craved like fresh air. I folded into his body and willed his big arms and barrel chest to protect me from the truth I had to finish telling him.
“You are perfect, Hunter. You give me everything.” He was still smiling, but I knew it wasn’t over just yet.
“Go on, Darlin’.”
“Yeah....so,” I tried to slide away as shame washed over me because I knew what came next, “We married. I guess he thought I married the whole band. Because...that’s who took me on my wedding night. I didn’t get a week in Hawaii or Paris. Even a night in a swank hotel. Instead...he took me to his bass players cabin; romantic I thought, again. Until I saw them all there. For two nights.... I was passed around like a party favor. Sometimes Seth and one of them. Sometimes Seth just watched. Or filmed us. I knew these guys, you know,” I let out a sob as the pain of that night wracked my body with shudders.
“Thought one of them would stop, even if I didn’t have the guts to say no. They didn’t, though. I finally said no to Seth when he tried to bring another girl in, again. How fucking stupid was I? I let five men share me for two days; eating a girl out while my husband fucks her instead of me, that’s my limit? Jesus Christ.” Now the tears came as I grew hot with shame, my head bowing as I shuddered against Hunter.
The tension roiling off of him did not go missed. An angry Hunter was sexy; got me wet. A manic, lethal Hunter? Puddles. I didn’t feel the least bit of fear as I watched him process just what it all meant. When he spoke, his voice sounded less than human.
“I’ll fucking kill every goddamn one them. Jesus. H. Christ! Who are they? Are they in Chicago?” I wanted to soothe him, but I couldn’t soothe this part of me for anyone, so I didn’t try.
“No. I left after that night. I ran to Pittsburgh, and he followed,’ I once again omitted a little of the truth about how I’d barely left in once piece, before I admitted the rest, ‘And now, here. I see him sometimes. It had been awhile, though.” Hunter sat forward, cradling me gently in his huge arms.
“Did he hurt you again? Why didn’t you tell me?” I shook my head, leaning my forehead against his.
“My first few months here, I think he just wanted to scare me. I got mugged once, and the apartment was broken into. I got Gerdie to protect me. Then...you. Hunter...I am crazy about you. Like, lock me in an asylum insane. Not because of this,” I pressed close, touching his face, “but it’s why I started to go mad for you. I felt safe the first time I looked at you. I hadn’t felt that safe since.... maybe ever before. Then the fire and there you were. And then...across the hall, you were still there. I want to float away, get drowned by the noise. I looked at you in the diner that night and I knew I wanted you to see me. And now...I want you to keep me here. Lock me down however you want to because you settle me.” Hunter crushed me to him, his mouth was on mine, and I thought we were done with the words.
“You saw him. Didn’t you?” I was wrong and I hated to be wrong, especially like this.
“Yes. Today. I’m so scared, Hunter. He wants to take everything away from me. That’s what he does. What he always did.” Hunter let out a growl and brought me closer, as if protecting me from a real attack.
