“Don’t look at me like that it’s been obvious for a month or so.”
I thought I did a pretty good job t hiding it personally.
“I’m hoping it’s not who I think it is.”
Letting my head fall forward I fight the tears even as they spill down my cheeks in wet little zig zags. I watch as the drops land on my blue jeans.
“You’ve been avoiding him makes it easier to put one and one together and that makes two.”
I wanted to laugh at the way he said that. I swear sometimes he was childish.
“It just happened I didn’t know about her.”
“He was your first Sarah.”
My head flew back fast, and I felt a slight sting in the back of my neck.
“Don’t fucking look at me like that. I’m your brother and I know you Sarah. You’ve been in love with that bastard since we were kids.”
“He can’t know.”
“Like fuck he can’t!”
“No, this baby is mine and he is getting married.”
“I don’t fucking care what the fuck he’s doing, he got you pregnant. He took your virginity and left you with child...”
“It takes two to have sex Beau.”
“Did you know about Alisa before you climbed into his bed?”
“No.”
Choking on the two-letter response had my throat feeling raw.
“He knew about her before he took you. He never intended to marry you Sarah.”
I was already hurting, and his words only hurt more. I thought the pain I felt was more than I could take but now? Now it hurts like a million fire ants eating away at my flesh. The burning only intensified.
My gut hurt as it clenched and turned itself inside out. A part of me knew this and I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true, I wanted to find a beach full of pretty sand and bury my head as deep as I could.
Slowly the Sarah I knew was being stripped from me and it wasn’t an easy painless process.
“I’m not trying to hurt you.”
I can only nod words have failed me.
“Fuck!”
“Are we done here?”
I couldn’t look at him and I didn’t wait for him to respond instead I walk to the door on shaky legs. My head down I make my way to my room the only place I was safe the only place that was mine.
Chapter 6
Beau
Jaxson was standing in front of me and I had to fight the need to kill him. The words he was Emilia’s brother ran through my head on repeat, but it didn’t make it any better.
“Sarah...”
I wanted to pry the tongue from his mouth the moment her name passed his lips.
“Yes?”
“How is she I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“Someone fucked her and decided to get married.”
My voice was nonchalant almost like we were discussing the next shipment of guns. I waited for him to admit it to fucking say anything, but he didn’t.
“He left her a little gift.”
This had his attention.
“What was it?”
“How’s the wedding coming?”
I watch as anger and jealousy shadow his face.
“Fine.”
“And how’s Jason.”
I felt bad for that poor bastard his brother was going to wed his woman.
“Drinking a lot.”
No shit. I wanted to ask him what the fuck his problem was. All these years that I’ve known Jaxson, I thought he wouldn’t do this shit. Who the fuck was this sitting across from me?
“Can I see her?”
“Why?”
Really, why the fuck would you want to see my sister?
“Maybe I can help find whoever it was.”
Yeah, I bet you think there’s more than one. You dumb fuck. I was seconds from jumping this desk and beating the beauty out of Jaxson. I wasn’t sure I could continue to do business with him.
It may be best to send him to Axel and the rest of the sons.
“I’ve got this covered. Trust me, he can’t hide forever, I will find out who he is.”
I wanted him to squirm under my words, but I was talking to a mafia don they squirmed for no one.
Chapter 7
Jaxson
There was someone else? I wanted to grab Beau and tell him she was fucking mine, but she wasn’t mine. Anger and jealousy ate at me like little stinging bees under the surface, it had me wanting to growl and destroy everything in my path.
She had already moved on and my pride took a hit.
“Jaxson are you with me here?”
Turning I look at Jason, who demanded to join me this time.
“What?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Shut the fuck up Jason.”
“Keep your head about you Alisa deserves way fucking better than you.”
“Keep your fucking mouth shut Jason.”
Looking down at my chest I stare at his hand that was now curled in the lapels of my jacket.
“I suggest you remove your hands Jason.”
“Stay away from her Jaxson.”
“Little brother, I care for you, but don’t fucking tell me what to do.”
He needed to know his place I let him run our family by my side as my second, but he was just the second and I was his boss. The look in his eyes said it all I have never before made that distinction and never made him realize his true place.
“Do whatever you want I’m going to get drunk.”
What the fuck was going on with him?
“Oh, and Jaxson as the second I’m going to say this again for the sake of this family stay away from Sarah.”
I know he’s right and the best thing I could do was turn and walk away not go looking for her. Except that’s exactly what I did, I went looking for Sarah.
Chapter 8
Sarah
The room smelled of orange and peppermint. The essential oil diffuser spreading the warmth of those two scents into the air. I wanted to go out there and get a snack, I was hungry, but I knew Jaxson may be out there somewhere.
I wasn’t ready to face him. He destroyed me took all I had to give pretending to feel the same for me and then he tore it away and discarded me like a used band aid. I felt like I was in a rain storm the cool water washing away the love and leaving only pain and devastation.
I had no idea what to say to him and honestly, I didn’t want to have anything to say to him. The baby would someday become a question and I was sure he would demand answers to.
I remember the last time I had seen Jason the dead look to him. I could read below the surface what he was going through it was like a homing beacon an invisible badge that marked us. Only the people going through such devastation could see it.
He lost someone he loved, and it was like a beacon to the lost. I was lost, and he was doing exactly what I wished I could. Drowning his sorrows in the bottle. I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.
The world seemed to just take from me. I lost my family and now I’ve lost him. The question I needed to ask was did I really ever have him? I really needed to talk to Jason I needed his help.
He knew the truth about Jaxson and me, but the baby was a different story. Grabbing my blue knitted sweater and wrapped it around me like a shield of armor. I felt like I was walking to my death as I walked out the door leaving my haven.
Laughter echoed down the hall as I made my way to the room, I knew both men would be in. One I wanted nothing more but to never see again and other I needed his help I just hoped I was strong enough to make it to where I needed to be and say what needed to be said.
I smelt him before I collided with the smooth cotton covering his chest. It was a scent that was burned into my brain. Jaxson, I didn’t even get to where I was going before he was there stopping me.
“Sarah.”
“Jaxson.”
“We need to talk.”
“I think everything that needed s
aid was said the moment you fucked me and failed to mention the upcoming nuptials.”
I was surprised by the smooth flow of my voice not even a spike in anger could be heard.
“Sarah.”
“Sorry Jaxson, but I have someone waiting.”
I didn’t bother looking into his eyes or even looking at his face. In a small way I felt liberated I just gave him the fuck you without saying the actual words.
My feet move swiftly as I rush into the room full of people. Beau was sitting with Emilia his smile faded as he noticed Jaxson who was quickly closing the gap I was trying to make.
I begged him silently with my eyes to help me. It felt childish and weak, but I couldn’t be around him right now I was on a mission.
The mission was how to keep him and our child apart and I was a monster for thinking let alone trying such a thing. But I know deep down if he knew he would take this baby and raise it with his soon to be wife.
This child was all I had and the idea he would give it to her when he has already taken so much from me and given it to her. I’m not so sure I would survive.
I didn’t understand why he was doing this did he want to hurt me? Was this a sick, perverse thing for him? I thought I knew who Jaxson was, but these last few months taught me I knew nothing.
I was so thankful for my big brother. He was barreling my way determined to save me like a knight on a black horse. I rushed in the direction of Jason I needed to see this through I needed to tell him everything and beg for his help saving our families.
This could cause a war between us and the Carters I know the sons would be with us till the end, but I didn’t want to be the reason, so many died.
“You do this, and you may cause an even bigger war.”
My heart was desperate pulling out all the stops to get me to rethink this and beg for a scrap of attention from Jaxson. I may have loved him, but I would never kneel down and beg for love.
It was like he felt me. Jason was staring me down weighing the look I was sure everyone could see. It was a look of pure desperation.
The pity I always feared to see in his eyes was missing. What I did see was understanding. He was feeling the same pain I was and for the first time in months I felt a little shift in my center.
I warmed slightly. It was a small and to some would be in sequential, but it was monumental to me. The ice that had stolen the warmth from my body thinned a little.
There was another creature who knew who felt what I felt the heart burning stomach tearing truth the one you love will never be yours.
It was like in that moment the whole future folds in on its self. One minute it was all laid out the wedding the kids and then that same thing is projected onto another and you are stuck on the sideline watching as its stolen from you. I’ve lost myself and I have no idea how to fix that or if I even wanted to.
The warm, loving me was gone and in its place a dark cold wasteland stood. Here in this desolate place the sky becomes muted and the world shades of gray.
“Sarah?”
“We need to talk.”
I expected him to readily agree, but instead he stares at me blankly before picking up his glass of what I assume is whisky and throws it back.
I watch the generous possible two shots leave the glass and disappear into his mouth. I wanted to stomp my foot on his. I wanted to smack him upside the head and demand he fucking hurry this shit up.
“Jason please you know what I’m feeling I can see it.”
Again, I waited, and I could feel Jaxson’s eyes burning into my flesh I wasn’t so sure how much longer he would be held back.
“Your brother is going to come over here and I honestly don’t want to talk to him Jason.”
Some of the sadness leaked into my voice and that seemed to be what got to him.
“Come on sweetheart.”
Wringing my fingers together nervously, I follow him in the opposite direction of our brothers. I watch as he disappears through the open door and the night air brushed my cheeks cooling them instantly.
I could feel the wetness and knew I had a few stray tears covering my face. I expected him to stop, but instead he continued.
When we reached my car he just walked over to the passenger seat and got in. It would have been funny if it wasn't so irritating.
I fucking hated how he was telling me what to do without opening his mouth. I felt like a well-trained puppy following his lead I climbed into the driver’s seat.
I didn’t bother waiting to be told to start the car I just did. I could almost feel Jaxson he was too close and staying here where he could find me wasn’t an option I wouldn’t let it be.
“What do you want Sarah?”
Now that we were here I really didn’t know where to start or if I should even have this conversation with him.
“You know about Jaxson and me.”
It wasn’t a question I was on the other side of that door the day Jaxson destroyed my world.
“Yes.”
“He’s getting married and…”
“Sarah this marriage needs to fucking happen.”
He thought…. I wanted….
“Look, I need your help, but you need to promise not to say a word to anyone.”
Looking at him I make sure he can see how serious this shit was.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Jaxson can never know promise me Jason.”
“Tell me Sarah.”
“Fucking promise me!”
“Fuck I promise ok?”
“Repeat this to him Jason and friends or no friends fucked up family shit or not I will find a way to pay you back.”
I thought he would shout and get all pissy about me threating him, but his silence had me swallowing. He was staring at me and I could tell he already knew.
“You're pregnant”
“Yes.”
“Jaxson’s?”
“No shit you fucking asshole!”
“Fuck!”
The anger I was expecting, but the laughter that followed his angry scream was terrifying.
“What’s so funny?”
He didn’t respond instead just laughed harder.
“What the fuck Jason.”
“I have to sacrifice her for the fucking family and you’re having his kid?”
Oh god he was in love with Alisa he had to watch his brother marry and have a family with the woman he loves. My heart would have hurt for him if it hadn’t already suffocated under the strain.
“He can never know about this Jason none of it.”
I was having a hard time forming the words that I needed to save me.
“You want to pass it off as mine?”
Stopping the car, I look at him I mean really look at him. His short brown hair and brown eyes, he was so similar to Jaxson. For most the only way to tell them apart would be the hair length and the sound of their voices.
But I could see the subtitle things like the way they stood and moved. The way Jaxson stood tall and with this air of dominance that Jason seemed to be lacking.
This human sitting next to me was in a similar situation to mine and I was offering the chance to join forces and watch as our worlds imploded with front row seating.
Jason would need to wed me, I carried a Carter and we would watch as the two people we loved to join together and had a family.
The more I thought of the consequences of this the harder it became to breathe. A small panic started in my center and slowly started to spread.
“Sarah?”
“Help me.”
Tears of frustration and fear filled my eyes as the world became blurry. It was like I was looking through a window and I couldn’t open it.
“Fuck. Ok sweetheart look at me.”
My eyes connect with his and I could see the fear turning the natural brown to a deep almost black.
“I’m taking you to the hospital.”
I wanted to scream no. If he takes me to the hospital, they wil
l all know my secret. Reaching for him I try and push him away as he pulled me from the car.
He didn’t budge as he placed me in the back seat.
“Stay with me sweetheart.”
I could only nod words were stuck deep inside me. I wasn’t ready to die even if my world was close to becoming hell.
“She passed out about five minutes ago.”
“How long has she been like this?”
“Maybe ten, fifteen minutes?”
“Her blood pressure is elevated.”
“She’s pregnant.”
“You the father?”
His silence was disturbing.
“No, he’s not.”
I still can’t open my eyes. They felt glued closed like I decided to put fake eyelashes on again.
“Miss….”
“Just call me Sarah.”
“We need to do a complete checkup.”
“I’m going to call Beau.”
I wanted to say no. I knew if he called my brother, his brother would be right here as well. Not that he gave two shits about me not really it was more a professional courtesy.
Chapter 9
Jaxson
Everything in me shifted when we walked into the hospital room. Sarah was resting they gave her a low dose sedative. Jason was standing by the window once again shutting out the real world.
I had so many fucking questions and no one willing to share the answers. Something was eating at my brother and has been for a few months now.
We used to be close the three of us all trained together. Lark, Jason and me. I remember the cold evenings when everyone else our age was home eating a family dinner, talking about their day we were out collecting money with some of my father’s soldiers.
Lark was always the one to pick things up the quickest it was like second nature to him. I remember the time one man refused to pay.
It was my place to convince him, but sixteen-year-old Lark intervened. He was always looking out for us. That night the man learned never to tell me no.
Lark broke four fingers and shatter his left knee cap. Word spread what we were willing to do for even the littlest infraction.
“She just had a panic attack.”
“The baby?”
“Fine. Healthy.”
Baby? Sarah was pregnant?
Jaxson Page 2
