Seeking Nirvana

by V. L. Brock

  “Okay, stay safe. Bye, Kady.”

  “Bye.”

  Discarding the handset onto the surface, I tipped back the rest of my drink, and with a bounce in my step, I got myself ready to go shopping.

  A hasty double beep of a car horn startled me as I went to drop my house keys into my purse, causing me to miss my target completely, and have them land on the concrete at my feet with a clatter. I bent to retrieve the jumble, cursing under my breath, before finding the cause of the startling sound.

  Rearing up, I lifted my head to be met with a delivery van parked along the sidewalk. A petite woman was frantically waving at me from behind the wheel. Tottering down the front steps, I shook my head with masked amusement at her buoyancy.

  “What are you doing here, Laurie? Shouldn’t you be at the shop?” I asked through the opened passenger side window.

  “Nope, we close half day on a Thursday.”

  “Ah…so your abusing company property,” I couldn’t suppress my grin.

  She pointed a finger at me, her adorable little nose wrinkled. “Don’t you start; you’re usually the easygoing one. It’s Liam which usually seeks my head on a pike.”

  My brow rose, “You, too, huh?”

  Nodding with palpable distaste, she crossed her forearms over the wheel and managed to divert the topic. “I just wanted to pop by to see how the cake came out yesterday?”

  I scowled at the memory of my kitchen disaster. “Cremated,” I muttered apologetically. Her eyes widened incredulously, while I swear mine darkened. “I forgot to keep an eye on the timer. I was a little…distracted.”

  “Well,” she unfolded her arm and slapped her hands back onto the steering wheel with a heavy thud. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

  “’Aye, that it wasn’t,” I grimaced as soon as the words were freed. That simple formation slipping from my mouth had me recognizing exactly how much a certain spirited Irishman had rubbed off on me.

  A shrewd smirk stole its way across Laurie’s features. She nodded her head once in a knowing manner and swept her glossy, block-dyed red bangs to the left of her brow, the rest of her thick, practically black mane was pulled back into a ponytail. As her lips twitched, I knew she was subduing a blatant knowledge of something I didn’t particularly want to acknowledge myself.

  She asked where I was headed. After informing her of my desire to go clothes shopping, she insisted that I got in so she could give me a lift. I was more than content with walking, but she looked rather scary under that degree of persistence. In the end, after much debate, I conceded, on the provision that she would at least let me buy her lunch.

  Laurie was the kind of woman who was easy to get along with, who could quickly grow on you. I found myself building up a fondness that would usually take time for me to build with someone new. I took an instant liking to her and her bubbly personality. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I felt as though she was one of the people who was actually on my side. I wish I could explain that better, but the truth is, I don’t even know what I meant by it.

  Marcela’s Obsession was a small, quaint boutique on the main route away from Bricksdale Square. With its royal blue and gold exterior, you couldn’t help but accept its silent invitation. And the inside was just as charming.

  Laurie was a funny one. Each article of clothing we passed was guaranteed to have her hand grazed over the material. She was a very tactile type. That much was obvious.

  “Can I help you?” An overly made up young girl, who looked fresh out of high school enquired from behind the glass counter. Jewelry glittered and gleamed from behind the glass display at her waist.

  “We’re just browsing, thank you,” I smiled.

  “Okay,” she nodded. “Well if you need any assistance, please feel free to ask,” she politely replied.

  I nodded once while mirroring her welcoming smile.

  “Oh, my, God, Kady, come and look at this.” Like a lighthouse leading the way through the fog, Laurie’s voice led the way up two steps and to the back of the store. “This would have the world worshipping at your feet.”

  I studied the ensemble with a fallen mouth, eyes bulging out of their sockets. “Laurie, I think that is a little too…” my statement was wavered when she skirted my body, holding the strapless, fitted emerald dress against me from behind.

  “Now, you tell me that isn’t hot!” she shrieked over my shoulder while I gazed in the mirror ahead. She was right. It was hot. But it was also shorter than anything else in my closet. Although I had come out with the determination to seek something a little fresher, a little more ‘confident Kady’, having the satin material held against me, and sitting a few inches above the knee, I suddenly felt a painful knot in my stomach, when a certain persons knowing disapproval loomed in my mind.

  “I don’t know, Laurie. I don’t think––”

  “Hey,” she pulled the dress away, grasped my shoulders and spun me around at high velocity to face her. I felt pressed by the scrutiny of her glowing hazel eyes and arched brow. “You are your own person. You’re hot, you’re beautiful. You should flaunt it. We all need a little something now and then to lift our spirits. Fuck what Liam thinks.”

  My inaudible question of how she knew I was going to mention him, washed away with the tide of unease and disappointment when I considered whether the length of the ensemble would even cover up the ‘tales of an unremembered story’ between my legs.

  Deepening frown lines scoring into my brow, I stood motionless as I came to realize exactly why my closet was filled with ‘safe’ clothing. If this debate was a ritual that I had to have every time I went clothes shopping, no wonder I stuck with pants or pencil skirts. I was getting a headache just from weighing the pros and cons of this one item.

  Her eyes strayed from the jumbled expression on my face, to lock onto something behind me. “Oh…oh…oh…” she sounded like a child in a toy store.

  I watched on in amusement as she rounded me with a fixated gaze. When she turned back to face me, she was holding a pair of sling-back, strappy emerald heels. “These would totally complete the look. Kady, you must get this.”

  “I don’t know, I––”

  “What was that?” she asked, lifting the shoe to her ear. Oh for fuck sake, what was she doing now? “You want Kady to take you home…? You think she would look even more beautiful if she was wearing you and the dress…? Oh, yes, shoes, I think that, too.”

  I scoured the boutique just to make sure that the men in white coats weren’t going to barge in with strait jackets, and land us both in the funny farm. The word “Fine” escaped my mouth before I had a chance to halt its progression.

  “Yay,” she sang, jumped up and down like the lunatic I began to see within her, and made her way down the steps to the counter, over exaggerating her words of encouragement with me in tow.

  The bell jingled our farewell as we left Marcela’s, pulling the door firmly shut behind us.

  We left the van parked at the sidewalk and was strolling down the block to get some lunch, when a warm hand was deposited on my shoulder. “You are going to look beautiful, Kady.”

  My appreciative reply was weighted by a gnawing query. “Laurie, how did you know I was thinking about Liam’s reaction back in there?” I gesture my head backward to the store.

  A huge breath was sucked into her lungs. I glimpsed to my left and placed the petite woman under an expected scrutiny. Hands clasped together, she allowed them to bounce against her faded-denim thighs as she walked. It was like she was warring with herself for the answer to a very simple question. Finally, she muttered, “Deep down we all worry about our partner’s approval.” But her answer didn’t sound as resolute as it could have been, and that, in conjunction with other things, had me questioning my life further.

  “Shall we get something to eat?” I asked, in a feeble attempt to stop my brain from turning to mush.

  “Sure,” she nodded, stuffing her hands into the front pouch-like pocket of her hot pink ho
odie. “Tiffani’s Diner is just on the corner.”

  Laurie spun on her heel when I was no longer at her side. I was glued to the spot, she shook her head faintly, her shoulders lifted to her ears in perplexity as I frowned and cocked my head. “Tiffani’s Diner?”

  She sheathed her teeth with her lips. “Mmm…hmm,” she let them roll free. “Why? What’s wrong?”

  I wracked my brain so hard that I felt it vibrating against my skull. Tiffani’s, Tiffani’s Diner, the name spiraled around my head while I, once again, strived to pick a sliver of information, a memory, as to why that name held some form of meaning for me. “Nothing,” I hummed distantly, my eyes tightened. “The name just sounds familiar.”

  A scheming grin tip-toed across her round, pale face, her eyes shone brightly with insightfulness. She licked her lips, outstretched her arm to link with mine, and pulled me forward to resume walking. “I’m sure it does.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Being in Laurie’s company for most of the day had definitely been a distraction from my life. We giggled and joked, we talked and I listened intently as she bitched about the grievances in her life, offering the friendly nod of agreement as she vented. It felt nice, knowing that someone felt secure enough to be open and share their problems with me, unlike me burdening them with my problems.

  It was almost 4:00 p.m. by the time I got back home. Laurie leaned over the console and gave me a friendly peck on the cheek to say bye, and thanked me for a fun afternoon. I don’t think she realized how much it was me that was thankful to her.

  I slipped from the van and headed up the front steps, throwing a farewell wave over my shoulder, amongst dipping my free hand in my purse in a frantic search for my key, when I heard the phone inside the house making its God awful noise.

  “Bye, Kady. Have fun tonight,” she called out before pulling off.

  Seeing that I kicked the door open in haste to answer the incoming call, the door rebounding from the inner wall shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Nevertheless, I let out an overly loud shriek at the din.

  Kicking the door firmly behind me, I ran for the phone with my royal blue and gold Marcela’s Obsession bag hooked over the crook of my arm.

  “Hello,” I panted down the speaker.

  “Kady, baby, where have you been? I’ve called three times this afternoon.” My stomach space launched, and my chicken mayo and bacon Panini I consumed at Tiffani’s Diner, decided to make an unexpected appearance in the form of a burning substance coating my throat. It impossible for me to speak. “Kady,” he sounded sterner, which didn’t help my now quivering legs.

  “I–I’m sorry, Liam. I h–have only just got back––” I stuttered, overrun by a sudden launch of nerves.

  “Back? Back from where? There’s food in the house, there’s no need for you to walk around unaccompanied. It makes me very uncomfortable, Kady, baby. You should know that.”

  Fucking hell, I felt like I was getting told off by the principal for vandalizing the toilet stalls.

  “I went out for a run, and I stopped by Ent-icing.” Well, I technically wasn’t lying. I did it yesterday. If he rang yesterday then I could have told him then.

  “You did?” he asked with a suspicious tone. I could practically hear the creases forming in his brow.

  “Yes, Laurie is a lovely young woman. She gave me the recipe book and my apron. I thought I could throw myself in, and hopefully regain some semblance of me back.”

  “That’s amazing, Kady. I’m very happy you feel that way.”

  The frown I was sporting due to the seemingly flawed words he spoke was carved deeper when I heard a female’s voice in the background. “Who’s that?”

  “That’s reception, Kady. I’m ringing from the foyer.”

  Hmm…I couldn’t help but wonder why he was ringing from there and not from his suite. For the large sum paid to stay in the 5* hotel, I’m damn sure the suite was hooked up with a phone line.

  “I wanted to just let you know that the meeting went ay-okay, and I will be back tomorrow afternoon.”

  If someone had told me that I would be overwhelmed by the utmost sensation of dread, shock horror and panic at that assertion, I would never have believed it. But my, God, did I get an ample fist full of each one. During the few days he had been away, I felt somewhat at ease––confused by certain revelations, but despite that setback, I found a form of contentment along with the ability to breath in his absence. Now, I felt the air being squeezed from me. I felt trapped, like I was a kidnapped victim and my abductor was coming back to rule me again.

  It was a very unwelcomed feeling.

  It was a scary feeling, one I didn’t want to feel. One I didn’t want to ever experience, and one that I would happily pay all the tea in China to free myself of.

  “Really? Wow, that’s…” I struggled to speak.

  “I know, Kady, baby. I’ve missed you. I’ve been so worried about you being on your own. Now I can look after you again. I can keep my eye on you and make sure you’re safe.”

  His declaration and his commitment prompted my heart to thrum mercilessly in its cavity, my legs buckled, my arms shook. Tears distorted my vision before rolling down my cheeks. I felt like a prisoner. I felt suffocated.

  “Yeah,” I strained through the throbbing in my head.

  “I’ll see you soon, Kady, baby. I love you.”

  I focused on the flooring beneath my feet as I shifted from foot to foot. “Me, too,” I whispered solemnly. “Bye.” As I hung up, I realized that Liam hadn’t mention anything about Walker, and what happened last night. Fuck, maybe I was wrong, maybe Mrs. Steinbeck hadn’t called him; maybe I was the one jumping to paranoid conclusions.

  Guilt festered upon me as I trudged up the stairs.

  I think I owe my nosey neighbor a sincere apology.

  Once I had laid out my newly purchased outfit on the foot of the bed, I took my time in the shower. I stood stagnant as I prayed for the stream to wash away my trepidation and concern for the lengths of Liam wanting to keep me cooped up, and under his command. Surely those wishes of his were unhealthy. However, it took altering the setting to a ridiculous temperature, which made my skin prickle and my back arch as I released hiss after painful hiss as the blistering droplets trickled down my spine, to invade my unspoken alarm and fear, and finally bring me back to calmness.

  When the ability to think without my mind being flooded by my emotions came to pass, I shaved, exfoliated and scrubbed away the grime of the day. Although the cold air plastered onto my naked body as I stepped out of the shower, I hadn’t felt so calm and collected as I did at that point in time. Even through the reminder of my body’s imperfections as I rapidly toweled my legs of moisture, I was content. I was excited.

  I was happy…for now.

  I dried and curled my hair before clipping the upper half of my locks back in a grabber-like clip. I never really required much makeup because my skin had a natural glow. So apart from a little blush, and several coats of lengthening mascara, I was set.

  Honey body butter was massaged into my body, before I carefully stepped into the satin ensemble. Wiggling my hips, I held the material in position and raised the side zipper. For once, I’m unashamed to admit that I remained motionless ahead of the white and gold marbled, fully-length mirror, and actually admired the person staring back at me, for an age. Laurie was dead right about the dress. The satin felt amazing against my skin, and the color did amazing things to my complexion. Fitted, it caressed the contours of my body, while keeping my breasts supported without the need of an actual bra––which I was grateful for.

  It was short enough to show a fair amount of leg, but thankfully, long enough to cover my ‘tales of an unremembered story’.

  I twirled my back to the looking-glass, and craned my head to glimpse over my right shoulder to double check I had no visible panty line. Going braless for the night I could fare with, going commando was another story entirely. Thank the Heaven’s; I was safe with my
barely-there thong.

  An unexpected tiny yelp of exhilaration flew from my mouth as I sashayed to the bench-seat in the bay window and lowered my satin-clad ass on the cream cushion. Parking myself on the bench, I stepped into my newly procured matching shoes. With my body folded over, I was tightening the straps along my ankle, when a shadow formed in the upper periphery of my vision. Lifting my head gradually, I was met with a very relaxed, very tasty looking Walker on the threshold. Hands relaxed in his jacket, the black leather concealed most of a blue, white and turquoise plaid shirt, beneath which he sported a white T-shirt. His choice of jeans, although not completely faded, was the lightest I had ever seen him model. And at that point, he looked like an exceptionally desirable model.

  Gingerly scouring up the length of his body with my eyes, a subtle twitch of my lips displayed the level of my appraisal. Unfortunately, the air which was held prisoner in my lungs while a lustful groan escaped my throat, along with obvious darkening of my eyes, wasn’t deemed as subtle.

  A mouth eclipsed by seductive, coveted stubble curled into a luscious, animated grin. God he had an amazing smile. His shoulder was pressed against the doorway.

  “How did you…” My voice faded as he removed his hand from his pocket and lifted the silver key between his thumb and index finger, a sexy, shrewd grin kissing his lips. “Why do I even bother asking?”

  “I think the question should actually be––” Hands nestled safely back into his jacket pockets, he prowled with purpose into the room and around the bed. “Why do I waste time asking questions I know the answer to, when I should be asking questions I need an answer to.”

  A slight sting tingled up my legs when I slapped my hands on my knees. With a smirk, I thrust myself up from the bench. “You’re being very Yoda-ish tonight.” I smoothed out any gathering of the dress.

  His jaw dropped to the thick, cream carpet under his feet, his eyes transformed into a dark void of…I think it was desire. It made a change; I was usually the one sporting that look. Seeing him being affected made me tingle and my nipples strained against the material as my body bred a shudder. There was no possible way he couldn’t have notice, but I didn’t feel embarrassed. I felt sexy, powerful…coveted.