by David Mamet
CARSON: Ann . . .
(Carson dials second phone.)
MICKEY (Into phone): Under the name of Miss Ann Black. “She has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ on her line.” But it’s essential that I speak to her. Could you please put me through? It’s quite important.
(Pause.)
She’s a friend of mine.
(Pause.)
“She’s not picking up the phone.” Mr., Mr. Price, she is in your hotel? . . . You’re sure . . .
(Pause.)
Ah. “They brought her some room service.” What’d she eat?
(Pause.)
Excellent. Yes, no. Well, we’ll let her sleep. I just wanted to be sure she was tucked in and taken care of, and I see that she is. Thank you.
(Pause.)
Not at all. Not at all, Mr. Price. Thank you.
(He hangs up.)
CARSON (Into his phone): Yes?
MICKEY: Rubenstein?
CARSON: Frederick Brandt, Aerstar, U.S.
(Mickey takes the phone.)
MICKEY (Into phone): Frederick.
(Pause.)
Thank you for calling. The . . . the gift? Yes, what gift?
(Mickey looks at Carson, who shrugs. Carson picks up the other phone and speaks into it, sotto voce.)
(Into phone) It may be here. I. Frederick . . . What? “The plane is fine.” That’s reassuring. “Just a warning light.” “It was not an actual emergency . . .” Fine, but your pilot declared an emergency . . . ?
(Pause.)
Well, what other test would there be? Look. Your plane. Has been detained and, it seems, impounded. In Toronto.
CARSON (Covers his phone): There is a package. Shall they bring it in?
MICKEY (To Carson): No, please go get it.
(Carson hangs up, then exits.)
(Into phone) . . . It is being held because of a U.S. tax iss . . . Frederick, why did you paint the U.S. registration number on the plane? “A courtesy.” No, the courtesy is lovely. Had the plane not touched down in state, as now there’s a tax iss . . . I’m not saying it’s your fault—I’m saying it’s your problem.
(Pause.)
Yes, it will be sorted out, as shall most things. But, at this hour: you have my deposit, Canada has your plane. My state wants five million dollars in tax, and the green grass grew all around, all around.
(Pause.)
No. Your plane, Frederick, not mine.
(Pause.)
Indeed, but the contract, I presume, specified “airworthy.” Was that not included in the purchase price?
(Pause.)
Yes. The plane may have been safe. But . . .
(Pause.)
“One simple fuel light.” That may be the case, but the pilot declared an emergency . . . Does that go on the plane’s various logs? Its “flight log,” and so on?
(Pause.)
You want to add greater redundancies. That’s fine. And the cost of those redundancies will, I am sure, be borne by the plane’s eventual purchaser, whomever that may be.
I would have thought the price included an operative warning light, as I’d hate to think you folks were cutting corners. At that price . . .
(Pause.)
“The increased costs of the interior.” “And the permitting . . .” Wait, the “permitting process”—didn’t I pay for that? . . . (Covers phone; to himself) “As Ms. Pierson utilized the costliest material and components in its design.” “And we’d hate, when she was going to be working for Aerstar, to begin the associ . . .” (Into phone) All right, after the Patty-Cake. Pal, look, should it occur there are artistic differences between Ms. Pierson and your company, she will, no doubt, find other means to pass the time. For example, designing the interior of whatever plane I eventually buy, having rejected yours . . .
(Carson enters carrying a large gift-wrapped box. Mickey gestures to Carson to undo the wrapping. Carson does so.)
(Into phone) . . . and you having refunded my deposit. Plus whatever damages . . . Well, perhaps I misheard you, but you seemed to say the plane was not air-worthy, as you skimped on the warning system, to spruce up the interior. Which, I believe I was paying fff . . .
(Pause.)
That’s not what you’re saying? Good, as that, of course, would do havoc to your reputa . . . And to your ability to sell planes here in the United States.
(Pause.)
I simply wondered why you chose to mention the interior. Oh, good. So we’re all friends. And you intended nothing. That’s swell . . . Oh, and here’s your gift!
(Carson takes a model of a large business jet out of the box.)
(Into phone) Well, look at that . . . That’s beautiful. It’s made of “metal . . .”
(Pause.)
“The same steel and aluminum as the plane itself . . .”
(Mickey gestures to Carson, who hands him the plane.)
(Into phone) It’s got the same paint scheme, it’s got the same unfortunate U.S. tail number . . . And—what—it does tricks?
(Mickey starts manipulating the plane.)
(Into phone) . . . How do you open it? . . . Ah.
(The top of the fuselage comes off, revealing a plush interior in beige leather.)
(Into phone) “. . . And she did the interior.” (To Carson) “It’s exactly the interior designed by Ms. Pierson.” . . . The card?
(Mickey takes the card and reads it:)
“Looking forward to working with Ms. Pierson.” (Into phone) She’s going to be very flattered. She’s looking forward to working with you, too. I know.
(Pause.)
Thank you. I do, too, but then I’m prejudiced.
(Pause.)
Well, I hope that she is working for you. ’Cause I suspect you’d rather see a lot of her than a lot of me.
(Pause.)
It doesn’t need a fine-tooth comb, Frederick. I’m sure all that’s required’s a new warning light, but, we’ll see. Thank you for the gift. I’m sure the actual plane’s lovely, too. Sitting there in Canada. Unable to move.
(Pause.)
I believe because, of a request by our governor. But, here’s what: Frederick? I’m . . . I am going to work the tax matter out with the state and, it may be, when the dust clears, perhaps, we’ll have another talk. (To Carson) “It will be easy as Ms. Pierson will be working for him.” (Into phone) All right. Let’s leave it at that.
(Mickey picks up a newspaper and reads. Then he speaks into the phone:)
. . . We’re not sure of our travel plans, just now, but, when we are . . .
(Pause.)
Well, that’s very generous of you. (To Carson) He wants to lend us a plane. (Into phone) Thank you. No, I’ll certainly consider it.
(Pause.)
It’s been good talking to you, too.
(He hangs up.)
Book me, commercial to London. And Ms. Pierson Toronto to London. Commercial tomorrow, noonish.
CARSON: . . . commercial.
MICKEY: Call Jimmy, have him meet her at Heathrow. Have Mrs. Sims warm up the flat.
CARSON: Didn’t they offer you one of their planes?
MICKEY: Oh, yes. Would you like a “lesson”?
CARSON: Sir, I would.
MICKEY: Aerstar. Sells their planes, either with a Swiss registry, or with that of the country of purchase. With the Swiss number. I don’t have to register it in-state for six months. If I keep it out of the state, I save the sales tax. They changed the tail number, that’s a mistake—all right but it’s also five million bucks somebody’s liable for. I ain’t gonna pay it. This fella, wants to lend me his plane, to fly Toronto-London. What would that cost them? In fuel?
CARSON: Eighteen, twent—?
MICKEY: Twenty grand? To save themselves five mil? No thanks, we’ll fly commercial. What am I telling him?
CARSON: You’re telling him: “Go to Hell.”
MICKEY: That’s correct. (Referring to the model plane) And what does this little trinket mean?
CARSON: Must it have a
meaning?
MICKEY: Oh, I think everything has a “meaning.” Why did they send this to me now?
CARSON: To . . . to “commemorate . . .”
MICKEY: To commemorate what? They haven’t delivered the plane, I haven’t accepted it, they had this made to give me on acceptance. Why do they send it to me now?
CARSON: Because the sale’s in question.
MICKEY: That’s right. That’s all. So, now, what does it reveal? Is it a strong move, or a weak one?
CARSON: It’s a weak move.
MICKEY: Why?
CARSON: Because it’s transparent.
MICKEY: That’s right. Press Aerstar to pay the tax, and they’ll withdraw their offer of Ms. Pierson’s job. The wiser man. Would know I know that, and refrain from the obvious threat. So they are weak. Thus, that attack is, in effect, a subconscious signal of surrender.
CARSON: If they know they’re beaten, why put up a fight?
MICKEY: Oh, you got room for more wisdom?
CARSON: Please.
MICKEY: All right.
(Pause.)
Men, faced with aggression, if they do not fight, may turn subservient. That man, however, should he regain the upper hand, will strike back savagely at those who saw him weak. Why risk that? When you beat someone, let him keep his self-respect.
CARSON: How do you do that?
MICKEY: By displaying such overwhelming force that, not only your opponent, but all observers recognize: that there was no shame in surrender.
(Pause.)
Like a woman. In a seduction. To protect her reputation. That’s how you do business.
CARSON: We should think of business as a sexual transaction? . . .
MICKEY: Only if you want to get rich. The Old Man taught me that. (Referring to the newspaper) Oh, look here: (Reads) “My father, the American values of Hard Work and Perseverance, which I learned from him. If I can be a fraction as brave. In my devotion to the simple truths . . .” (To himself) Fuckin’ Kid . . .
(The phone rings.)
CARSON (Into phone): Yes. (To Mickey) Mr. Rubenstein.
MICKEY: Him or his girl?
CARSON (Shakes his head. Into phone): Yes, I have Mr. Ross. Please put Mr. Rubenstein on.
MICKEY: So what’s the real threat? To Aerstar?
CARSON: Pay the sales tax or lose the sale.
MICKEY: No. The real threat is I announce I have canceled acceptance of their new model. For reasons of safety.
CARSON: They’ll say it’s libel.
MICKEY: Their pilot. Declared an emergency. Matter of federal record. Then what does Aerstar do, in reply?
CARSON: They cancel Ms. Pierson’s job.
MICKEY: I get her another job. Chess and checkers. My move, your move—that’s all there is. Eh? What else is there?
CARSON: Thank you for the lesson.
MICKEY: . . . What the hell . . .
(Carson hands Mickey the phone.)
(Into phone) Ruby. How are ya? Well, I bought a new plane.
(Pause.)
The old one? The ashtrays were full. I gave it to the Salvation Army.
(Pause.)
The new one? Has more “range.”
(Pause.)
I bought it for Frankie.
(Pause.)
She wants “more range.” To go traveling.
(Pause.)
Don’t know, don’t care.
(Pause.)
“Likes” it? She loves it. “Why?” It’s shiny. Here’s the thing: new plane. Okay. Swiss registry? . . . The plane. Factory-new, from Aerstar. Pilot, en route from Saint-Estèphe to Toronto, forty-two-thousand feet. Fuel-warning light goes on, all he knows, he’s flying a glider. He’s got to put the plane down. Puts it down here. Guess what your pal wants?
(Pause.)
The Kid.
(Pause.)
No, Ruby, for chrissake, I’m speaking figuratively. His tax . . . the state tax board.
(Pause.)
Five-million-dollars sales tax.
(Pause.)
’Cause the plane touched down in state. Yes. It flew on to Toronto, but it “touched down” here. Now the state tax board . . .
(Pause.)
God fo . . . Ruby, kidding as . . . kidding aside, God forbid. The . . . the tax issue. It’s only money. We’ll work that out.
(Pause.)
Well, here it is: they’ve impounded the plane.
(Pause.)
The Canadians.
(Pause.)
It is a foreign plane. But Aerstar—
(The other phone rings. Carson answers it.)
CARSON (Into phone): Yes?
(He listens.)
MICKEY (To Carson): Ms. Pierson?
(Carson shakes his head no. Mickey picks up the model plane and looks at it. He gestures to Carson to take a message. Carson nods, does so, and hangs up the phone.)
(Into phone) Some “Swiss” painted the U.S. tail numbers on it.
(Pause.)
Fuck do I know. In an “excess of zeal.” Now the state wants five million bucks in tax. They’ve impounded the plane. In Toronto.
(Pause.)
In response . . .
(He looks at Carson, who nods.)
(Into phone) To a request forwarded . . .
(Carson shrugs.)
(Into phone) To keep the plane as . . . “A lien against taxes”? Is this, a glitch? Or, is somebody tryin’ to screw with me? Either way, I’m a big boy. Could you just tell me.
(Pause.)
I’m not saying it’s you. I’m only asking for your help to determine . . .
(Pause.)
Why would that be illegal? Yes, I can pay the tax, but why should I pay the tax? If I don’t owe . . . if I owe the tax, of course, I’ll . . .
(Pause.)
All I’m asking is: I’d like to use the plane.
(Pause.)
Well, tell ’em to send me a bill and we’ll work it out. Could you have your people look at it.
(Pause.)
“Special treatment.” Oh, come on. Why would you, either, or the Kid, offer me special treatment? Ruby? I’m on the other sss . . . All I’m asking, is the same attention you might give to any taxpayer, our fair state.
(Pause.)
Dave, you know, I wanted to. I’d pull up stakes and move down to the islands. I’m here out of choice, and I pay every cent in taxes . . . Look, Dave, the plane, okay, you could say it’s a wedding present.
(Pause.)
Yeah, thank you. And it goes with a sort of vacation.
(Pause.)
There’s an old-fashioned word. (Covers phone; to Carson) “Honeymoon.” (Into phone) So here we are: my plane’s in hock, and can you reach out and just tell me what’s happening? I truly appreciate it. How’s the Kid?
(Pause.)
Yeah. He’s a nice clean-living kid. And he’s more fun than a Swiss army knife. “Politics”? Took to it like a preacher’s son to vice. God bless him. Now, what can I do for you? What does the Kid need? (To Carson) “Money and an Issue.” (Into phone) The issue, I can’t help him with. The money? I gave in the primary. And I will give, the general.
(Pause.)
The maximum allowed by law. What is that? “Two and a half grand.”
(Pause.)
Course I don’t want him to win.
(Pause.)
’Cause I know how to add. But I want him to run. And I wish him well. (Referring to the newspaper) I see he’s . . . what is he? . . . “Striving to find his voice”? And “gaining strength from his constituents” . . . to “tap the wisdom of the common people”? (Laughs) How is he? “Stressed-out.”
(Pause.)
Well, I’d think.
(Pause.)
I remember.
(Pause.)
Not that long ago.
(Pause.)
Doesn’t it? The Old Man . . . ? Drink or two by the fieldstone fireplace.
(Pause.)
Currier and Ives . . . I swear t
o God . . . I’m proud of him, the Kid. The Old Man would be, too. The little skeezix. Running for the hotseat. Give him my best, and I mean it.
(Pause.)
Just to “look into it.” I’d appreciate it, Ruby. Thank you.
(He hangs up.)
CARSON (Reading from his notes): A maid went in her room. Ms. Pierson is sleeping. She left a note for Ms. Pierson to call you.
MICKEY: Good. Let her sleep. I want you to find out who did it.
CARSON: Who did what, sir?
MICKEY: Impounded the plane.
CARSON: The Canadians impounded the plane.
MICKEY: Oh, really? In response to what? The “phases of the moon”?
(The phone rings. Carson picks it up.)
CARSON (Into phone): Yes?
(He hands the phone to Mickey.)
MICKEY (Into phone): Yes? Francy. “Francine.” How are things in the Frozen North? Look, before I forget, I’m going to fly you commercial to Lon . . . Oh, “We don’t fly commerc . .” Wait: didn’t I find you in the gutter? Hey, France . . . didn’t I put your first pair of shoes on your feet? When you were selling matches in Trafalgar Square. Covered in rags. Who . . . wait a minute, I took you in the shift that you stood up in, girl, and don’t you forget it, or I’ll give you back to the gypsies. I saved the receipt.
(Pause.)
You’re flying commercial as the government, for technical reasons . . . Immm . . . what would it have to do with Immigration? Frankie? Customs, or some damned thing, is keeping the plane for a tax matter. It has nothing to do with imm . . .
(Pause.)
Naa, the governor’s just screwing around with me.
(Pause.)
Because he can.
(Pause.)
I do and I did. Since he was a child.
(Pause.)
I don’t know. He’s on a “vision quest . . .” Carson is booking you to London. Jimmy will meet you at Heathrow, and I’ll see you at the flat . . . (To Carson) Book me a seat . . . (Into phone) Were you scared? When the plane diverted? (He laughs. To Carson) She was asleep . . . (Into phone) France, why the hell did you change your name . . . ? Why, why are you under a false . . . Was there pr . . . was there press? At the airp . . .
(Pause.)
No, all right, tell me later, I underst . . . Hey, they sent me a model of the plane. Aerstar. Hold on: with your interior. Yeah, you saw the real thing, but this is my first exposure. Look here: the top comes off, you can see: your paint scheme, the seats. The same leath— Baby, it’s gorgeous. And whatsisname said how they were looking forward to working with you.
