“I’ll try.”
“You’ll do, Samantha. You’ll do. All is as it should be.” He gave me another big smile. “Let’s start with a simple position—downward facing dog.”
He got down on his mat and demonstrated the position. It didn’t look all that simple to me. But I was willing to try.
As soon as I was close to the position he displayed, I felt some pressure in my stomach. Then it drifted a little lower. I was horrified as I realized that it was a gas bubble. I had eaten a whole bag of tacos and now something inside me needed to escape. I squeezed my cheeks and held my breath. I was sure I could resist releasing a nasty toot. Guru Gary walked over to me. I willed him to turn around and go the other way, but he didn’t. He stopped right behind me.
“Nice, Samantha,” he said. “Just try to get a little lower.” He pushed down on my upper back slightly.
That was all it took for a silent but deadly one to escape. I closed my eyes and hoped that no one would notice. Unfortunately, once one escaped an entire parade of taco gas bubbles began finding their way to the outside world. Luckily the little explosions didn’t make any noise.
“Oh my,” the woman beside me said. “Wow, do you smell that?” she asked.
My cheeks were burning. I knew what she meant.
“That is bad,” the man with all the facial hair said.
I knew that if I stood up and walked out, they would know it was me.
Guru Gary walked over to the desk and lit some incense.
“We must all remember that as a body relaxes, it may sometimes do funny things or release unpleasant smells. It is not something to joke about or make someone feel badly about. We are all here for the same reason—to restore and relax our body back into its truly healthy state.”
The others quieted down about the smell. I still felt terrible, but I was glad that no one had been bold enough to point out that the unpleasantness was coming from me.
As if dealing with my gas issues wasn’t bad enough, my long loose shirt was now failing me in two regards. While I was leaning down with my bottom up in the air, it was sliding up along my back and revealing my skintight pants. It was also hanging low from around my neck, revealing my bra with my breasts dangling in a very awkward position.
I felt fairly naked. Luckily the only thing in front of me was another person’s rear end, so at least I wasn’t putting on a show for everyone.
“Now everyone, relax. Feel the muscles in your body relax. Yes, they may be sore. Yes, they may be tight, but they want to be relaxed—just like your heart wants to be at peace. It is time to let go of all of the distractions in your life—all of the things that keep you from being who you truly are.”
Chapter 8
I closed my eyes and listened to his lilting voice. He could be very soothing when his outfit wasn’t blinding me. Soon I had forgotten all about the little bursts of gas. In fact, I was also well on my way to forgetting all about my issues with Max.
My mind was drifting to a very peaceful place—a place where my insecurities no longer existed—a place where I could love myself without limits or judgment. I was getting a little dizzy from the impact of a quiet mind. I truly felt as if I might have reached a meditative state when all of the sudden I felt two hands on the curve of my bottom.
My eyes flew open and my body immediately tensed.
“It’s okay, Samantha,” Guru Gary said. His voice was very low and calm. “I’m just going to guide your body into a more ideal position, so you can get the full benefit of your energy flowing uninterrupted.”
Before I could protest he began slowly rocking my body back and forth with his palms pressed between my lower back and the top of my rear end. It was a very awkward position. However, the more he rocked, the more relaxed I felt. I was more than a little amazed by how my muscles began to release and unwind.
“That’s better,” I said.
“Not quite yet. I really want you to get into this position. It’s so relaxing. Trust me, your entire body will feel like it’s brand new,” he said.
I sighed and tried to drift back into my peaceful state. As good as I was feeling, I was willing to let him rock me all night. Then his hands glided from my lower back down to the backs of my upper thighs. That was more than a little startling for me. I wondered if he was really Guru Gary, or maybe he would be more aptly named Groper Gary. I glanced around. No one else seemed to think that what he was doing was out-of-line.
“Just try to relax, Samantha. If you’re uncomfortable, it’s because your body is begging to feel at peace again. When you position yourself just right, all of your meridians will line up and you will feel more energetic and happy than you have ever felt before.”
He chattered on just like that for a while, but I didn’t really listen to his words. All I could think about was his palms on the backs of my upper thighs. He was pressing steadily. The pressure was creating yet another odd sensation inside of me. It was not so much a pressure as it was a bubbling.
All of a sudden I knew what that bubbling meant. A sense of urgency rushed through me. I wiggled a little and my shirt slid up even further along my back. It was nearly to my neck.
“Okay, stop please,” I said.
“Trust me. Just relax. Samantha, this is your moment. This is your chance to release all of those negative vibes,” he said. His voice was drifting as if he was not fully aware of being in the room.
“No. Please, just—”
He pushed my thighs harder upward, essentially guiding them closer to my midsection. The bubbles became a solid pressure that no amount of clenching was going to hold back. I opened my mouth to warn him, but before I could speak it happened. A loud long noise escaped me. I could do nothing to stop it.
I jerked my head up and in the same moment my shirt slid down over my arms and the top of my head. With my shirt tangled around my ears, I couldn’t even look back to apologize. I heard a few giggles from the group around me.
“It’s okay,” Guru Gary said as if nothing had happened. “It’s your body’s way of breathing a sigh of relief.”
I was absolutely mortified. I knew everyone around me had heard what had just happened. I tried to get to my feet, but with my shirt tangled the way that it was, I lost my balance and fell to the side. When I hit the floor even more gas escaped me. There I was, flopped on the floor half-naked with bursts of “relief” escaping me.
“It’s okay. Keep your peace, Samantha,” the teacher was saying.
It became a chant in my mind. “Keep your peace, keep your peace.”
In the deepest part of my humiliation, I suddenly found my situation absolutely hilarious.
Once I started giggling, others around me began laughing too. They weren’t laughing at me—they were laughing with me, which made me feel even better. A few of the nearby students helped me to sit up and get my shirt pulled back down over my head. Normally I would have been embarrassed to need help, but there was something about their kindness and their laughter that made me feel secure about accepting their help.
As I got to my feet, Guru Gary was still chanting. He finally stopped and smiled as he looked at me.
“You see, Samantha, you found humor. You found levity in a difficult moment. You are well on your way to finding your true peace within yourself,” he said. He placed his hands together to form a triangle and bowed slightly in my direction.
Unsure of what to do, I returned the same gesture.
I realized, as I met his eyes, that Guru Gary was not just a goofy teacher. He was an example of what could happen when someone found their peace. He was completely secure and confident in himself. He didn’t compare himself to others. I was certain that he didn’t concern himself with the thoughts or judgments of others. He simply lived—as he was—perfect.
For the remainder of class, I did my best to stay near the incense. Luckily, I didn’t have any more smelly moments.
No one held the incident over my head. In fact, by the time I left the class I
felt very bonded to the people I had met. They had seen me at my worst and yet they still wanted to know me—to spend time with me. And that meant a lot.
Chapter 9
As I walked home from the class, I felt renewed by it. Yes, my body ached in ways that I hadn’t expected it to—even though I didn’t do all of the movements—but I still felt as if I’d had an entire workout. Maybe it was because of the battle with the pants, or falling twice in the span of two hours. Either way, I was looking forward to peeling off the pants and curling up on the couch.
But I no longer looked for other people to notice me and my strange attire as I walked. I didn’t care that my pants had gotten even tighter as I walked home in the humid air. All I really wanted was to linger in the peace that I had found, the knowledge that there was a way to live life without being constantly pressured by trying to meet the standards that others had created.
When I reached my apartment I noticed a shadow beside the door. I’m not a paranoid person. I mean, I’m cautious enough, but I don’t go around expecting bad men to jump out at me from behind bushes. However, when you see a shadow hanging out beside your apartment door, there are a few things that happen. At least they do to me. My heart began pounding. I instantly shuddered. The keys I held in my hand to open the front door suddenly became a weapon that I could use to defend myself.
“I know karate!” I said.
The shadow moved a little. Then I heard a soft laugh.
“No, you don’t,” a male voice said.
“I do.”
“You do not. Watching The Karate Kid five hundred times with me does not mean that you know karate.” Max stepped out into the light cast by the street lamp in the parking lot.
“You scared me,” I said.
“I didn’t mean to.” His voice was quiet as he looked into my eyes. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
My head was spinning as I met his eyes. Did I want to invite him in? Of course I did.
“Okay, do you want to come in?”
“No, you need some space,” he said.
The way he gazed at me made me feel as if I was the only woman in the world that mattered. As much as I knew that wasn’t true, I couldn’t help how I reacted to his attention.
“To be honest, I lied about understanding that,” he said.
“I’m sorry, Max. It’s not anything you’ve done wrong.”
“It must be.” He was looking at me intently as he spoke. “Because I would never want anything to come between us. Obviously something I’m doing is making you uncomfortable.”
“It’s not you,” I said. My voice was quiet. I dared to look into his eyes.
“I’m your best friend.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to lose that between us,” he said. “So I’m asking you to be honest with me.”
The determination in his voice made my heart race for another reason. In all the time I had known Max I had never seen him chase after a woman. Once in a while he would hunt down one that he really wanted to spend a night with. But when it came time to part ways, he never had a problem letting them go. It was surprising to me that he was so insistent when it came to me. I can’t say it didn’t make me feel amazing to think he cared so much. I was confused at the same time.
“I didn’t say anything about us losing each other. I just need to be able to figure out who I am—without you,” I said.
“That’s the thing. If I’m stopping you somehow from being who you are, I’ll change. Just tell me how, and I will. I’m your best friend, Sammy. I want to support you, not hinder you. But to be honest, I have no idea who I am without you. You bring out the best parts of me. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do?”
“Maybe,” I said. I could barely bring myself to speak above a whisper.
“Then I’ve been a bad friend. I can be better,” he said. “Just don’t do this. Don’t cut me out. I’m not just going to turn around and walk away from the one person in my life that makes everything make sense.”
I smiled a little at his words. I wanted to believe him, but at the same time I didn’t. It seemed to me that he wanted so much from me, and yet wasn’t willing to give me the one thing I needed. I didn’t want to be just his friend. But he didn’t want anything more. How could a friendship survive that?
“Max, you know you mean the world to me. I would never want to do anything to hurt you. I just don’t know what else to do.”
“Just tell me what it is that I’m doing so wrong, and I’ll stop.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong.”
“Then what is the problem?” he asked. His voice had hardened slightly. “Why is it that you expect me to just accept that I’m hindering you, with no explanation? Honestly, Sam, if I’ve done something to hurt you, just tell me so that I can make it right.”
Chapter 10
I gazed into Max’s eyes and wondered how I could explain to him that, despite the fact that he had never been anything but an amazing friend to me, I couldn’t be around him. Not because of anything he said or did, but because I was head-over-heels, one hundred percent, without question, in love with him.
Or certifiably obsessed. If there was a difference.
“Tell me,” he said. He held my gaze. “You’re not going to hurt my feelings. You can be honest. If I’m annoying you, if I talk too much, if I smell, just tell me.”
I had to laugh a little at his last words. There it was—the humor. He was my bright spot no matter what went wrong. I wasn’t ready to give that up.
“You are amazing, Max—that’s the only thing that’s wrong with you,” I said.
“Wait a minute, is this some kind of woman thing? Where you say one thing but you mean another?” he asked.
“Not only women do that.”
“Mostly women.”
“That’s not true.”
“Well, is that what this is?” He stepped a little closer to me. “I’m a big boy, you can tell me the truth.”
I sighed. My gaze traveled the length of him. I wanted nothing more than to pull him into my arms and kiss him passionately, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair. I had dropped enough hints for him to know I was interested. He obviously was not.
“The truth is, I can’t picture my life without you either. I guess I was just having a bad day,” I said.
“Really?”
“Really. But if you ever buy me tacos before my yoga class I will pin you down and make you pay the consequences.”
“Uh, that sounds terrifying.” He smiled.
“You’ve been warned.” I unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment. He followed after me. When I heard a low whistle, I knew I was in for it.
“Nice pants,” he said. His laughter negated the compliment.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well I think you might need to get used to them, because they’re tight enough to have become part of your body permanently,” he said.
“Shut up!”
“I didn’t say they looked bad. Just sparkly. Very sparkly.”
“Max!”
After Max and I watched some TV together, he left for the night. It was still hard to ignore my feelings for him, but I had come to realize that it would be much harder not to have him in my life. I was willing to suffer in silence a little if it meant I got to spend time with him.
I had changed out of my super-tight pants, but I didn’t have the heart to throw them in the trash. We had been through a lot together.
As I sat down in front of my computer, I smiled at my own reflection in the dark screen. I couldn’t remember the last time I had done that. After so many years of avoiding mirrors and cameras, I could finally see the beauty in me—just as I was. Yoga might have been a bit of a disaster, but it had taught me a very big lesson—that I can be accepted for who I am. Skinny, round, short, or tall. I can just be in the body that I grew just for me.
It was a message that I wanted to convey in my blog to other
s who I knew might feel the same way I did. I didn’t think there was anything more heartening than coming to peace with one of my most embarrassing moments. Yes, it was unfortunate, but as Guru Gary liked to say, it was perfect. It was the moment that I was in, and it led to a funny experience that I could draw on for years to come.
As I typed up my blog post, my fingers flew across the keyboard. I felt more motivated than ever to speak my truth. With all of the struggles I had with my self-esteem and body image, I wanted to be an example of evolving out of that mindset. My body was sore, but I’d done it. That was the point of the bucket list—pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.
All of a sudden it hit me. I didn’t want to just type out my experiences on a blog, I wanted to share them with someone. If I’d known all of this when I was younger, I would have had a much easier life with a lot less insecurity.
One of the items on my bucket list was to become a mentor. When I wrote that down, it was more about mentoring another woman who was in the process of losing weight, but now I felt differently. When I was a young girl if I’d had a woman like me to model genuine acceptance of her body and joy about the person she was, I would have felt so much better.
I wanted to be a mentor to a young girl. Whether or not she was dealing with weight issues, she would probably have some kind of insecurity to deal with. I had enough time and plenty of desire to have fun. I was sure that I could make a great Big Sister. The only question was, would anyone else think I would make a suitable mentor?
After finishing my blog and posting it, I began researching how to become a Big Sister. Now that it was in my head, I was determined. Hopefully out there somewhere, a Little Sister who needed someone like me was waiting for me.
I only had to go through a background check and fingerprinting. What could possibly go wrong?
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List
9 Be a Mentor
By
Lillianna Blake
Copyright © 2015 Lillianna Blake
Cover design by Beetiful Book Covers
All rights reserved.
LilliannaBlake.com
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 24
