“I’m going to grab some chips.” Max left me in the car and jogged back over to the convenience store.
I looked back over at the tattoo parlor. I wasn’t sure if I was going to get out of the car. I could see the big window of the shop with lots of pictures hanging in it. Each picture was of a different gorgeous piece of art. Art that had been tattooed onto skin using needles. I shivered at the idea.
After giving blood, I’d thought I would be able to handle this.
Zara would have been able to handle it. She didn’t let anything stop her. She would have marched right into the shop and demanded two or three tattoos.
I took a deep breath and looked out the window again. When I did, I saw Max’s lips pressed up against the window and his cheeks puffed out with air. His eyes were rolling around in a silly manner. I jumped at the sight and then laughed. He opened the door and crouched down beside me.
“Are you planning to get out?” He met my eyes with his.
“Eventually.”
“Like, before sunset?”
“Maybe.”
“Before lunch?”
“Possibly.”
He sat down on the ground beside me. “You know that you don’t have to do this, right?”
“I know.”
“Your skin is perfect the way it is.” He rested his head back against my thigh so he could look up at me. “You could remain as you are—pristine and unaltered.”
I winced at his words. I knew that he was trying to be supportive, but he had just reminded me of everything I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be unblemished by the world around me. I wanted to be raw, bold, and surprising. I didn’t want my pristine skin to be what people remembered about me.
“I’m going to do it.” I looked at the window again. “Soon.”
“Okay.” He smiled. “You know, I was with this girl who had a tattoo on her—”
“I don’t want to know!” I gasped out my words.
Max laughed and shook his head. “I was going to say on her toe.”
“Sure you were.” I rolled my eyes.
“Where are you thinking of getting yours?” Max looked up at me with mischief in his eyes. “I can think of a few good spots.”
“Hush.” I shot a playful glare in his direction. “Here.” I held out my wrist with my palm facing up. I tapped a spot on my forearm just above my wrist. “So that I can always look at it when I want to.”
“That’s a good idea.” He smiled. “Maybe I should get one too.”
“That would be great!”
“Ha ha, not going to happen.” He winked. “I could never commit to something that permanent.”
I decided not to point out that his comment reminded me of his love life. Max’s business was his business. Besides, I didn’t really want him committing to anyone that wasn’t me.
Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I wasn’t as afraid of needles as I thought I was. Maybe I was more afraid of doing something to permanently change my body. I knew that whatever I had tattooed on me would be there forever. I had an idea in mind, but I wasn’t sure that anyone else would understand it. Then again, it was for me—no one else needed to understand it.
“Okay, I’m ready.”
Max stood up and offered me his hand. I took it and stepped out of the car.
Chapter 4
When we walked into the tattoo parlor, a man stepped out of a back room.
“Hi there. I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to come in.” He stuck out his hand towards Max. “I’m Barry. Good to meet you.”
“Hi, I’m Max and this is Samantha.” He gestured towards me and I saw him mouth the words “Cold feet.”
I was a little too nervous to talk. I was inside—that was a good start.
The man before me looked like something straight off a roll of paper towels. He was big, muscular, and had a full beard. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever met someone so large before. It was kind of thrilling—unusual for me—to feel dainty next to him..
“So you’re interested in getting a tattoo?” He smiled and revealed a gold tooth.
I felt my heart flutter. It wasn’t that I was afraid of him—I just wasn’t sure if a man his size would be able to understand how gentle I wanted the tattoo to be…which prompted the question—could a tattoo be gentle?
“Maybe.” I took a step back.
“Well, a tattoo is not something to do on a whim.” He gestured to a small section of the wall beside us. “This is what I call the wall of shame. These tattoos are before and afters of people who have come to me to get their tattoos covered up or changed because of impulsive decisions.”
“Oh.” I nodded a little. I had to tilt my head to the side to figure out what some of the things were.
“Well, I’d like something small and simple.” I looked back at him.
“Okay, let’s get started.” He gestured to a leather reclining chair. “You can have a seat if you’d like.”
“Wait, I’m just not sure yet.”
“She’s a little scared of needles.” Max volunteered an explanation as he stepped up beside him.
“I see that a lot.” Barry smiled. “Don’t worry about it. Once I get started, you won’t even remember that I’m using a needle.”
“I don’t think I could forget that.”
“Let’s just see what we can do to get you comfortable.” Barry picked up a sketchpad. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re interested in getting and I can sketch out a picture of it—unless it’s something that we already have a picture of on the wall?”
I looked up at the wall. I saw lots of skulls. I also saw a lot of Chinese lettering. I wasn’t sure what to make of most of it. There were bleeding roses, fish in rainbow colors, and lots of half-naked or fully naked women. I frowned. I didn’t see anything that I was looking for.
“I just want a little heart.”
“Like a broken one? Or one with wings?” Barry offered.
“No. Just a simple little heart.” I pointed to the spot on my arm where I wanted it. “Maybe about the size of a dime.”
“Oh, that is small.” He regarded me with what seemed like interest. “Do you want it to be 3-D or lacy?”
“No, just a heart.” I was starting to get a little frustrated.
“Okay, no problem. What you want is what you’ll get. That shouldn’t take long at all to do.” He sketched out a simple heart in the size I had requested. Then he showed it to me. “Like this?”
I smiled at the sight of it. It was perfect. “Only I would like it to be more of a peach color.”
He eyed my skin and then looked back at me. “Are you sure that you want a tattoo? Because if I use a light color like that it probably will be barely noticeable.”
“Well, I’m getting it just for me, really. But I would like to be able to see it.”
“Maybe an outline?” he suggested. “I wouldn’t even have to fill it in. We could use a soft red, and your skin tone could fill in the rest. It might be a good way to start. You could always get it filled in later.”
I tried to get comfortable in the chair, but the leather was very stiff. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my heart from beating so fast.
It’s going to be fine, Sammy, I thought to myself. People get tattoos all of the time every day in all kinds of places. There is nothing to be worried about. But I wasn’t convincing myself. I still felt terrified when Barry turned toward me with something in his hand.
“Okay, Samantha, I want you to be as still as possible. I want to make sure that everything is in the right position.” He smiled at me, but I didn’t think he was very nice anymore.
All I could think about was the fact that he was about to cause me some serious pain. I nodded my head and then sat very still. I sat so still that my muscles ached from being so tense.
“You can breathe, Samantha.” Barry raised an eyebrow at me.
I realized that I hadn’t taken a breath in some time. I started to breathe, but only a little. I
didn’t want anything to make that needle go any deeper than it had to.
Max held my other hand with his. That was pleasant, but not enough to distract me from Barry’s hand getting closer to my wrist. I closed my eyes and willed myself to be brave.
Chapter 5
Becoming an entirely new person—one who wasn’t afraid, one who was proud of who she was—wasn’t easy. Sometimes it was downright painful. But it was worth it. That was what the tattoo was going to represent to me. I needed to find a way to remember the inspiration I’d felt when I first came up with the idea.
I tried to imagine myself as Zara, calm and zen-like. She wouldn’t have had to close her eyes.
I forced my eyes open just as I felt a subtle prick on my skin. I gasped at the sensation. Then I began to squirm in an attempt to get away from Barry.
Barry’s grip was firm on my wrist. He looked up at me with surprise. “Samantha, it’s okay, just calm down.”
“No! No, it’s not okay!”
Max looked at me and must have seen the wildness in my eyes. “Samantha, relax.”
“Get off of me!” I shouted straight into Barry’s face.
The biggest man I’d ever seen in my life flinched in fear and immediately dropped my wrist. He stepped back and held his hand in the air.
“It’s only a pen, Samantha. See?”
I looked up to see that the only thing in his hand was a black pen.
“I was just going to trace out the heart to make sure that it was in the spot you wanted it to be.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Samantha, but I don’t think this tattoo is a good idea.”
I felt so embarrassed that I could barely look at him. I thought for sure it was a needle going into my skin, but it was a pen dragging across it.
“Don’t worry, Sammy, we can work through this.” Max gave my hand a light squeeze. “You just need to take a little time and think about whether this is what you really want.”
Barry added, “Yes, and whether you can be still while I do it, because if that had been a needle I could have scraped you up pretty bad.” He shook his head. “You have to be able to sit very still or one of us could get hurt.”
“I’m sorry. I guess this was a foolish idea. I just really, really wanted one.”
Barry smiled, looking very sympathetic. “Listen, sweetie, you’re not the first person to freak out and you won’t be the last. Sometimes the idea of a tattoo is more frightening than the actual experience. If you really want to, I’ll try again—with the real thing this time. But you have to understand that if I start and you don’t want to finish, there’s no way to get rid of half of a tattoo. You have to be sure that you’re willing to sit through it.”
“What do you think, Sammy?” Max asked. “I know how important this is to you. We could always stop at that smoke shop and get some henna.”
“Henna is a good option if you’re not into needles.” Barry nodded.
I felt my heart sink. I knew that I was failing at what I’d set out to do, not because I wasn’t capable of it, but because of my fear. I set my jaw and met Barry’s eyes.
“No. I don’t want henna. I want a real tattoo.”
“Alright, if you’re up for it, so am I.”
“Are you sure, Sammy?” Max frowned.
“I’ll be fine.” I nodded.
“Now take it easy, this is going to be great.” Barry grasped my wrist firmly in his hand.
Max took my other hand in his.
“Why don’t you close your eyes, Sammy?”
I looked over at him, prepared to argue. But the softness of his eyes and his genuine desire to help me made the argument die before it was spoken. I closed my eyes.
“Just do it fast.”
“I have to make sure it’s good, Samantha. You’re going to be wearing my reputation, after all.”
“Just relax, Sammy. Let’s go on a walk together.” Max’s voice drifted in my ear.
“Huh?”
“Remember when we took that walk along the beach at sunrise?”
My mind flooded with memories. Max and I on vacation together. The waves, the sun, the sand between my toes. Max’s hand holding mine. I felt my entire body begin to relax. It was as if I’d been transported back to that moment.
The two of us playfully chasing each other on the beach. Max threatening to toss me in the water. Then magic—the chemistry between us unleashed. I looked into his eyes. He leaned close to me. I watched his lips slowly part as if he was anticipating a soft sweet kiss.
Before he could get any closer, I untangled my hand from his and splashed into the waves. I did my best to pretend that I was just playing, and I’d been regretting that decision ever since. Maybe I would never know if Max had intended to kiss me.
I opened my eyes. The tattoo had to be done. My heart pounded hard against my chest.
There was Max with his hand in mine and his warm smile. I couldn’t believe that I had let that moment pass me by. If I couldn’t even overcome my fear for Max, the most important person in my life, how could I begin to think that I could handle a tattoo?
I felt the first prick on my wrist.
“I can’t, I can’t.”
I couldn’t stop the panic that was rushing through me. It made me feel as if I was about to explode. I tried to restrain myself, but all I could see was the tattoo gun.
“Alright, we’re done.” Barry released my wrist and stood up. “I’m not going to force you into anything you’re not ready for, Samantha.”
Chapter 6
I sighed with relief. Max was still holding my hand. For the first time, I wished he wouldn’t. I just didn’t want to be reminded of how I had let fear stop me from my only chance with him.
“How about some Chinese food?” He smiled.
I shook my head. “I just want to go home.”
I tried to stand up from the chair, but my body had tensed up so fast and so hard that my legs were spasming. Max was there to keep me on my feet. I wobbled my way toward the door while leaning heavily on his arm.
“I’m sorry, Barry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Samantha. It’s okay. If you ever change your mind, I’ll be here.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. I was crushed because of my failure.
“Sammy, don’t look so glum. You tried as hard as you could.” Max gave my arm a little squeeze.
“Thanks.” I smiled for him, but my heart hurt. I wanted him to see me as a light and airy fun-to-be-around-gal, not a sniffling fearful burden that was always looking for a hand to hold.
Once we were back in the car, I stared solemnly out the window.
“I couldn’t do it.” I sighed.
Max leaned across the seat toward me. He ran his palm lightly across the curve of my knee. “Don’t worry about it, Sammy—it’s not like you have to get one. It’s just something that’s not for you.”
“But it is for me.” I frowned. “I want a tattoo. I want to know that I’m not afraid of getting one.”
“Well, you could always try again.” Max leaned closer to me. “It’s not something that has to be done on a schedule. You should go when you feel inspired to do it. Sometimes when you take too long to think about something, it psychs you out.”
“That’s true.” I nodded. “I guess maybe I need to be more impulsive about it.”
“Just think about all of the reasons why you want it. As for the needle—remember, you can overcome that. You did it when you donated blood, so you’ve already done it once. I think the bigger problem is whether you really want it. And are you going to regret it after you get it?”
I thought about that for a moment. “I don’t think so. I think I’m going to regret it if I don’t get it.”
Later that evening, after Max had dropped me off at my apartment, I was trying to decide whether or not to admit the truth on my blog. I couldn’t get my thoughts straight. Every time I was sure I was ready to do it, I suddenly became certain that I never could. But I knew that sh
aring my feelings through writing always helped me to get some good perspective.
I opened my computer and logged in to my blog.
I wrote out what I felt in my heart. I let it all bleed out onto the screen before me. I wasn’t sure if I was writing correctly, or even if any of it made sense. All that mattered was getting it out.
When my furious typing was done, I hit submit before I could change my mind. I never posted my blog content without reading it over, but I really felt that I needed to just spill it all out for my readers to see.
I was feeling pretty emotionally exhausted from the honesty that I’d just expressed.
I didn’t expect any responses, considering how late it was, but before I could close the site, I’d already received a new comment. I saw that it was from Blue.
I froze for a moment. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open it. I wondered if he would be disappointed that I hadn’t followed through with my original intention. Still, it was Blue, so I couldn’t resist.
I clicked on the comment and was surprised by the size of the post.
SWF,
So you are afraid. You are afraid of more than needles and blood. You are afraid of owning your body. You are afraid of declaring that it belongs only to you. There is a part of you that believes it somehow belongs to someone else. Perhaps to the mother who gave birth to you, or the father who raised you, or even to the husband you expect to have.
I’m here to tell you that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to do anything to your own body. It’s yours and it will always be only yours. You have every right to do as you please with it.
Don’t you see that the fear you feel has nothing to do with you? I have read enough about your journey to know that you do not shy away from a challenge. If this is something you truly want, you will do it. But first, you have to remember who your body actually belongs to.
Some of us might be lucky enough to admire it (hint, hint) but we can only observe the perfection that is you.
Only you live in your skin, SWF, and only you get to make decisions for your body. Don’t give up that ownership—not for any reason. There’s only one person you have to please and that’s you. Whatever you decide to do, as long as you make the decision out of love and not fear, it will be the right decision. Good luck!
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 46
