“Huh?”
“I mean, I tell you all of the time how beautiful you are, how proud of yourself you should be, how wonderful of a person you are. But no matter how many times I say it, you don’t seem to hear it.”
I sat with his words for a moment. They were weighted with emotion—both his and my own. I didn’t really know how to answer him.
“I guess I just feel like you say those things because you’re my friend—because you’re a good person—because you’re being kind to me.” I sighed.
“So you don’t believe me? That’s it?”
I pressed the phone to my ear. It wasn’t often that Max and I wandered down this path of direct conversation. I wasn’t sure what had stirred it up.
“Max, why are we talking about this?”
“Well, if you don’t believe me, I guess there isn’t a reason to be talking at all.”
“Max, I think you’re taking that the wrong way.” My heart started to quicken. I could hear in the fluctuation of his voice that he was a little annoyed.
“You’re right. I’m sorry, Sammy. I guess I’m just a little tired. I should probably go to bed.”
“Max, you know you’re the most important person in the world to me, right?”
Max was silent again. When he did speak, his voice was back to normal. “I better be. Or I’ll hunt down my competition.” He laughed.
I laughed, but when I hung up the phone I still felt unsettled. Something was definitely going on with Max. I had so much going on in my life that it was easy to overlook Max’s troubles. He always had everything under control. I made a note to check in with him first thing in the morning.
When I looked back at the screen I decided that what I had started writing in response to Blue had to go. I deleted the e-mail.
“It can wait until tomorrow.”
After a quick shower and change into pajamas I crawled into bed. I lay awake for some time thinking about my future. It would be wonderful when I didn’t have to plan my writing around what time I had to leave for work.
The next morning I called Max right after I brushed my teeth. The phone rang several times but he didn’t answer. I sent him a text to say good morning. I assumed he’d had to go into work early. As I went through my morning motions I felt much more relaxed than I had the day before. I was ready to celebrate being one day closer to the beginning of my new way of life.
I stopped by the newspaper cart on my way to Fluff and Stuff. After considering my options I chose a short inspirational book and paid for it. That was a good way to celebrate, I was sure. What better way to start off my life as a writer than by reading?
When I reached Fluff and Stuff I found that Anisa was already there. So was Patricia.
“Good morning.” I smiled at both of them.
“Good morning, Samantha. I was hoping that you would be willing to help me with something.” Patricia offered a bright smile.
“Of course, anything.” A small part of me hoped that she might be asking me to stay.
“Could you train Anisa to open and close the shop? She will be taking over after you leave. You can also give her your key.”
Her words hit me in the gut. I knew they were not meant to hurt, but for some irrational reason they did.
“Absolutely. This will be so much fun.” I sounded so bubbly that I thought I might erupt.
“Great. There you go, Anisa. There’s no better person to train you than Samantha here.” She patted me on the shoulder as she left the laundromat.
Anisa cringed. “This isn’t going to be too awkward, is it?”
“No, it’ll be fine.” I led her over to the cash register. “We should start with how to open everything up. Then I’ll walk you through what I usually do in the morning. The rest you pretty much know, until we get to closing time.”
“Great.”
As I began to explain to her the process of opening the cash register for the day, I noticed that she was just listening. She wasn’t taking any notes.
“Do you want some paper? So you can make a list?”
“No. I’ll remember.” Anisa shrugged. “I used to work at a gas station, so it’s really not that hard.”
“Oh.” I swallowed back my thoughts about that. I was handing over my beloved Fluff and Stuff to someone who compared it to a gas station? I shook my head and continued on with the instructions.
Chapter 6
I showed Anisa where to store any excess money and how to operate the safe. Then I walked her through the inventory process for the small shop that was attached. Although the whirr and slush of the industrial-size washers and dryers would be hard to leave behind, it was really the shop that I had the most trouble walking out on.
It was a collection of convenience items as well as an assortment of unique treasures that I’d found throughout my travels in the city. As I was showing her how to arrange things I realized that I had put myself on the shelves in many ways. Little glimmers of my hopes and desires were captured in funky items that I’d collected.
But I had also used it as my hiding spot. It was a place where I could go to be myself, instead of allowing myself to always be myself, no matter where I was. It was my cocoon that I was emerging from.
The excitement of what was to come surged through me. Maybe this would be the key to moving forward.
That night I called Max. He didn’t answer—again. I frowned and checked my texts. Not a single word from him. I was starting to think that he was upset with me. I reminded myself that it was likely just my anxiety talking.
I settled in for a good writing session. As the words began to flow I incorporated what I’d learned from Anisa—that most women had body issues, not just women battling extra pounds. It really made me think about how women get this pressure. Television? Advertisements? Our own mothers passing it down?
It was hard to pinpoint exactly what had inserted the thought into our brains that our bodies somehow existed for the purpose of judgment. I realized that if I really thought about it, my body was astounding. All it did every single day to keep me alive was far more than I could comprehend. And yet I still looked at it with disdain when my swimsuit didn’t fit just right, or my breasts were too large to let me button a blouse.
Somewhere along the line we had let someone else’s standard of beauty define our worth, rather than our own instincts. Perhaps that was why there was such an epidemic of weight problems. With all of that pressure on us from the time we are little girls, how were we supposed to make it to adulthood with a healthy image of our body and our worth intact?
When I finished my writing for the evening I checked my phone again. There was still no call or text from Max. I sent him another text.
Checking in. Is everything okay?
Then I settled in bed. Though I intended to fall asleep, I simply couldn’t. My mind was filled with all kinds of wild thoughts about what might be going on with Max. By the time I fell asleep I was determined to find out for sure the next day.
When I woke up in the morning I realized that I’d forgotten to set my alarm. I’d overslept by a half hour. I wouldn’t be late to work if I rushed to get ready. I hurried through dressing and ran out the door. It wasn’t until I reached Fluff and Stuff that I realized I’d forgotten to call Max.
“Uh, Samantha, I think you have a little problem.” Anisa did her best not to giggle.
“What?” I narrowed my eyes. She was taking my job; did she intend to mock me now?
“You missed a button—or two.”
I looked down at my blouse to find it was gaping wide open. I had missed more than a button or two. I had missed eight out of ten. I always buttoned my collar and the bottom of my shirt, then did a final swish of deodorant before buttoning up the rest of the way. In my rush I must have skipped that last step.
“Oh no! I walked all the way here like this!” I groaned and quickly buttoned my shirt.
“Don’t worry, you just look like half of the other women in the city that like t
o go around with no clothes on.” Anisa rolled her eyes. “I mean, has any woman ever put on a pair of shorts so small that their cheeks hang out, because it was hot outside? How do they even breathe in those things?”
“I’m not sure.” I laughed. “I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess that they’re proud of their body.”
“If that’s pride, then give me a little humility.” Anisa clucked her tongue. “There is a time and a place for that style and it is not walking down the street.”
I shrugged and was at least relieved that I had my pants on.
As soon as we finished up for the night I dialed Max’s number. Max didn’t answer. I hung up my phone. It was nearly impossible for me not to be concerned and even hurt. Max was rarely unavailable to me. It made my mind go wild with questions about why he might not be answering.
Did he judge me for quitting my job? Had he finally given up on me?
Back home, I sat down in front of my computer and began to write a passage. I put all of my chaotic emotions into it.
As the words tumbled out, it dawned on me that this was the plight of all people. I wasn’t feeling insecure because of my weight; I was feeling insecure because of a choice that I’d made. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was thin or extra large; all that mattered was that I was afraid.
It made me think about how similar all people really were. Of course there had to be those confident few out there in the world, right? Those beasts of self-worth who would never doubt that they were valued. It seemed impossible to me to reach that point.
Chapter 7
Somehow I needed to bolster my confidence. I decided that I needed to celebrate this moment of transition, instead of hiding from it. I had nothing to be ashamed of and I needed to prove that to myself. I stood up from the computer and picked up my phone to call a few people. Before I could dial, Max’s name popped up on the screen. All of that fretting I had just done had been for nothing. I felt ridiculous for worrying in the first place.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Sammy. Sorry I missed your call. I’ve been a little busy.”
Was that a dig about me not being busy anymore?
“Oh, that’s okay. I know that you have things you have to do.”
“So what did you need?”
“I’ve decided I want to have a party. To celebrate that I’ve quit my job.”
“No!”
I was a little startled by his reaction. “Why? I can be proud of myself, Max, even if you don’t agree with what I’m doing.”
“Don’t agree with what you’re doing? What are you talking about, Sammy?”
“Why else wouldn’t you want me to have a party?” I frowned. “I know it might not seem like the right move to you but—”
“Sammy, wow. I’m sorry that you’ve gotten that impression. The reason why you can’t have a party is because I was already planning one. It was supposed to be a surprise. That’s what I’ve been busy doing.” He paused.
I felt a myriad of emotions rush through me. Elation, that Max had thought to do something so sweet for me. Embarrassment, that I had been so wrong about what he was up to. Most of all, there was excitement.
“How could you think that I would ever not be proud of you?” Max’s voice was weighted with concern. “Haven’t I always supported you?”
I frowned. I knew that he was right. I had let my self-doubt and insecurity convince me that Max was quietly judging me. It wasn’t fair to me, and it sure wasn’t fair to him.
“Yes, you have. More than anyone else. I guess I was just feeling a little insecure.”
“Well, stop that! I’m trying to do something nice.” He laughed. “I had to keep it a secret because you always figure out everything that I’m up to.”
“Not everything.”
“Just about everything. You absolutely would have figured this out. That’s why I just gave in and told you instead of letting it be a surprise.”
“Well, where is it going to be? Who is invited?” I smiled.
“I can’t tell you those details. But I can tell you that you will have a lot of fun. I promise.”
I rolled my eyes at the secrecy, but I felt wonderful that he would go to so much trouble for me. For just an instant I gave myself permission to think that he might have deeper feelings for me. Then I swept that thought forcefully from my mind.
“Max, do you mind if I invite someone? Just tell me the time and the night, and I will tell him where when you tell me.”
“Him?” Max cleared his throat. “Is there something I should know?”
“Oh no, it’s just someone I’ve been e-mailing back and forth with.”
“So, you don’t really know him.”
“I know him better than I know most people.”
“Better than me?”
“I don’t think I know anyone better than you.”
“Okay. If you trust him, I trust him. The party will be Saturday night at seven. I’ll pick you up, unless you want this cyber guy to do it?”
“Oh my god, can you please not call him that?” I laughed.
“Well, does he have a name?” Max teased.
That question actually stunned me. The truth was that I didn’t know what Blue’s name was. I was fairly certain that his name wasn’t actually Blue. Still, maybe it was. People were named Blue. It was pretty embarrassing to admit to Max that I didn’t actually know. I couldn’t just make a name up either, because if Blue did come to the party Max would want to meet him, and he would have a different name. I did the only thing I could think to do. I hung up.
I could not remember a time that I had hung up the phone on Max. This was one of those moments when I didn’t think I was going to recover. Not only had I hung up on him, I didn’t even thank him for planning the party!
I headed back to my computer. I had to find out what Blue’s name was and if he would come to the party. I started to regret ever even thinking up the idea. But I really wanted to share my celebration with him. I wanted everyone to be there that had such a big impact on my life, and Blue was definitely one person who did.
I looked nervously at the keyboard. In my life few things had been harder than what I was about to do. My bucket list wasn’t just about ticking things off a list. It was about allowing me to become me. I needed to find that level of confidence that I admired in so many others.
Still, it seemed impossible to actually type out an invitation to Blue. His influence made such a difference in my life. However, I didn’t want him to feel pressured or obligated to meet me. My mind filled with all kinds of self-doubt. I pushed it all away and focused on the keyboard in front of me. One by one I typed out the words that I was certainly too frightened to say out loud. As each word appeared on the screen, I had to restrain myself from deleting it.
I needed to try this. If Blue made some excuse—if he didn’t want to be with me for some reason, then he could come right out and say it. If not, then I would get a magical night with Blue on a night that would already be magical to me. There was no reason not to follow through.
Before reading over the e-mail, I hit send. I didn’t want to think about it and end up deleting it. Of course when the e-mail was sent, my breath went with it.
I forced myself away from the computer. I didn’t want to be checking every five minutes to see if he had responded.
Chapter 8
I opened the door to my closet. I wanted to find something spectacular to wear to the party. Although I had quite an assortment of clothing in a few different sizes I didn’t have too much dressy stuff. Then I remembered that I had purchased a few dresses during my attempt at blind dating.
I dug to the back of the closet and pulled out a simple pale blue slip dress. I tried it on in front of the full-length mirror. Although there were places that my body didn’t curve or smooth the way I wanted it to, the dress looked nice. I could look in the mirror and truly tell myself that I looked good. That was a huge step for me. Here I was, not to my goal yet, but pleased
with how I looked. I did a little spin and smiled at the way the skirt of the dress caught around the tops of my knees.
I felt good in a dress. What an amazing sensation.
I changed out of it and hung it back up in the closet. Then I pretended not to notice the computer as I walked toward the kitchen. But out of the corner of my eye I checked to see if there was a flashing indicator of a new message. I felt a twinge of disappointment when I didn’t see one. I was hoping Blue had already read my e-mail and written back.
Throughout the evening I tried not to look directly at the computer. But it kept taunting me. Finally I convinced myself to do some writing. Of course that meant checking my e-mail every five minutes.
By the time I was yawning, I still hadn’t gotten an answer. I was starting to feel annoyed. My phone rang once and I saw that it was Max. I didn’t want to answer without a name to give him. I ignored the call and grabbed a shower before bed. I was still excited by the idea that Blue might say yes, even though he hadn’t responded. I decided to take the positive approach and hope that he would. Which would mean that in just a matter of two days I might be actually meeting him for the first time. My heart pounded as I tried to sleep.
No matter how things turned out, my life was changing. I was going to choose to embrace it rather than fear it.
When I woke the next morning the first thing on my mind was checking my e-mail. I headed straight for the computer. I was really starting to feel excited about the party. However, the sadness at not seeing a response from Blue was very fresh.
I could understand not getting back to me right away, but I was sure that he had read it by now. Or maybe I hadn’t sent it right? Or maybe there was some freak Internet glitch that hadn’t delivered the e-mail? I wanted to believe anything other than the idea that he just wasn’t answering.
I pulled myself together and headed out for Fluff and Stuff. The next day was my last day, and I wanted to make the most of the time I had left. I made sure that my phone had plenty of room on it so I could take pictures.
When I arrived at the store Anisa had already opened up. It was a bit early, but I liked her go-to attitude.
“Morning, Anisa.” I smiled at her as I stepped inside.
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 64
