by Tillie Cole
Rage.
My mamma’s eyes filled with tears, but for once, I didn’t care. I wanted them to feel as bad as I did right now.
“Rune—,” my pappa said, but I turned my back to him.
“What time do we leave?” I barked, interrupting whatever he was trying to say.
“We leave at seven a.m.,” he informed me softly.
I closed my eyes; I now had only hours with Poppy. In eight hours I would be leaving her behind. Leaving everything behind apart from this rage. I would make sure that traveled with me.
“It won’t be forever, Rune. After a while, it’ll get easier. You’ll meet someone else eventually. You’ll move on—”
“Don’t!” I roared as I whipped around, throwing the lamp from my nightstand across the room. The glass bulb shattered on impact. I breathed hard, heart racing in my chest, as I glared at my pappa. “Don’t you ever say anything like that again! I won’t move on from Poppy. I love her! Don’t you get that? She’s my everything and you’re ripping us apart.” I watched his face pale. I stepped forward.
My hands were shaking.
“I have no choice but to come with you, I know that. I’m only fifteen; I’m not stupid enough to believe that I could stay here alone.” I clenched my hands into fists. “But I will hate you. I will hate both of you every single day until we return. You might think that just because I’m fifteen I’ll forget Poppy as soon as some slut from Oslo flirts with me. But that will never happen. And I will hate you every single second until I’m with her again.”
I paused for breath, then added, “And even then, I’ll hate you for taking me away from her in the first place. Because of you, I’ll miss out on years of being with my girl. Don’t think that just because I’m young I don’t recognize what I have with Poppy. I love her. I love her more than you could imagine. And you’re taking me away, without even considering how I would feel.” I turned my back, walked to my closet and began pulling down my clothes. “So from now on, I won’t give a damn how you feel about anything. I will never forgive you for this. Either of you. Especially you, Pappa.”
I began packing the suitcase my mamma must have placed on my bed. My pappa remained where he was, staring at the floor in silence. Eventually he turned away and said, “Get some sleep, Rune. We’re up early.”
Every hair on my neck pricked up in annoyance at his dismissal of what I had to say, until he quietly added, “I’m so sorry, son. I do know how much Poppy means to you. I tried to leave telling you until now to spare you weeks of hurt. It clearly didn’t help. But this is real life, and it’s my job. You’ll understand one day.”
The door closed behind him, and I dropped onto the bed. I dragged my hand down my face, and my shoulders slumped when I stared at my empty closet. But the anger was still there, burning in my stomach. If anything, it was burning hotter than before.
I was pretty sure it was here to stay.
I threw the last of my shirts into the case, not caring how crumpled they got. I made my way to the window and saw Poppy’s house was in darkness, all except for the dim nightlight telling me the coast was clear.
After locking my bedroom door, I snuck out the window and rushed across the grass. The window was slightly open, waiting for me. I slid through and closed it tightly behind me.
Poppy was sitting in the center of her bed, her hair down and her face freshly washed. I swallowed when I saw how beautiful she looked in her white nightdress, her arms and legs bare, and her skin so soft and smooth.
I stepped closer to the bed and saw the photo frame in her hand. When she looked up, I could see she’d been crying.
“Poppymin,” I said softly, my voice breaking at seeing her so upset.
Poppy set the frame on the bed and laid her head on her pillow, patting the mattress beside her. As quickly as I could, I lay down next to her, shifting until we were only inches apart.
As soon as I saw Poppy’s bloodshot eyes, the anger inside me seemed to flare. “Baby,” I said, covering my hand with hers, “please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry.”
Poppy swallowed. “My mama told me that y’all are leaving real early in the morning.”
I dipped my eyes and slowly nodded.
Poppy’s fingers ran over my forehead. “So we only have tonight left,” she said. I felt a dagger pierce through my heart.
“Ja,” I replied, blinking up at her.
She was staring at me strangely.
“What?” I asked.
Poppy shuffled her body closer. So close that our chests touched and her lips hovered at my mouth. I could smell minty toothpaste on her breath.
I licked my lips as my heart began pounding hard. Poppy’s fingers drifted down my face, over my neck and down over my chest until they reached the bottom of my shirt. I shifted on the bed, needing some space, but before I could move away, Poppy closed in and pressed her mouth to mine. As soon as I tasted her on my lips, I leaned in closer, then her tongue pushed through to meet mine.
She kissed me slow, deeper than ever before. When her hand lifted my shirt and landed on my bare stomach, I snapped my head back and swallowed hard. I could feel Poppy’s hand trembling against my skin. I looked into her eyes, and my heart missed a beat.
“Poppymin,” I whispered and ran my hand over her bare arm. “What are you doing?”
Poppy moved her hand upward until her hand was on my chest, and my voice was halted by the thickness in my throat.
“Rune?” Poppy whispered as she dipped her head to carefully place a single kiss on the bottom of my throat. My eyes drifted closed as her warm mouth touched my skin. Poppy spoke against my neck. “I … I want you…”
Time stopped. My eyes snapped open. Poppy inched back and tipped her head until her green eyes met mine.
“Poppy, no,” I protested, shaking my head, but she laid her fingers over my lips.
“I can’t…” She drifted off, then gathered herself and continued, “I can’t have you leave me and never know what it’s like to be with you.” She paused. “I love you, Rune. So much. I hope you know that.”
My heart slammed into a new kind of beat, one that knew it had the love of its other half. It was harder and faster. It was infinitely stronger than the one before. “Poppy,” I whispered, completely struck by her words. I knew she loved me, because I loved her. But this was the first time we’d ever said it aloud.
She loves me…
Poppy waited silently. Not knowing how to respond in any other way, I ran the tip of my nose down her cheek, pulling back just a fraction to gaze into her eyes. “Jeg elsker deg.”
Poppy swallowed, then smiled.
I smiled back. “I love you,” I translated into English, just to make sure she completely understood.
Her face grew serious once more, and she moved to sit up in the middle of the bed. Reaching for my hand, she pulled me to sit opposite her. Her hands dropped to the bottom of my shirt.
Taking in a stuttering breath, she pulled it up and over my head. I closed my eyes, and felt a warm kiss on my chest. I opened my eyes again to see Poppy giving me a shy smile. I melted at the nervous look on her face.
She’d never looked so beautiful.
Trying to fight through my own nerves, I put my hand on her cheek. “We don’t have to do this, Poppy. Just because I’m leaving—you don’t need to do this for me. I’ll be coming back; I’ll make sure of it. I want to wait until you’re ready.”
“I’m ready, Rune,” she said, her voice clear and steady.
“You think we’re too young—”
“We’ll be sixteen soon.”
I smiled, hearing the fire in her voice. “Most people still think that’s too young.”
“Romeo and Juliet were around our age,” she argued. I couldn’t help but laugh. I stopped laughing when she edged closer and ran her hand down my chest. “Rune,” she whispered, “I’ve been ready for some time, but I was happy to wait because we had all the time in the world. There was no rush. Now
we don’t have that luxury. Our time, this time, is limited. We only have hours left. I love you. I love you more than anyone could believe. And … and I think you feel the same way about me.”
“Ja,” I replied instantly. “I love you.”
“Forever always,” Poppy said on a sigh, then shifted away from me. Without breaking her eyes from mine, she lifted her hand to the strap of her nightdress and pushed it down. She did the same to the other strap, and the nightgown fell away to her hips.
I froze. I couldn’t move as Poppy sat in front of me, bared to me. “Poppymin,” I breathed, convinced I didn’t deserve this girl … this moment.
I moved closer, until I towered right above her. I searched her eyes and asked, “Are you sure, Poppymin?”
Poppy threaded her hand through mine, then brought our hands to her bare skin. “Yes, Rune. I’m sure. I want this.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer, so I let go, and kissed her lips. We only had hours. I was going to spend them being with my girl, in every possible way.
Poppy moved her hand from mine and explored my chest with her fingers, never breaking from our kiss. I ran my fingers over her back, pushing her closer to me. She shivered under my touch. I dropped my hand to the hem of her dress at her thigh. My hand traveled upward, until I worried I was going too far.
Poppy broke away and rested her forehead on my shoulder. “Keep going,” she instructed, breathlessly. I did as she asked, swallowing the nerves building in my throat.
“Rune,” she murmured.
I closed my eyes at the sound of her sweet voice. I loved her so damn much. Because of that I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to be responsible for pushing her too far. I wanted her to feel special. I wanted her to understand that she was my world.
We stayed like this for a minute, locked in the moment, breathing, waiting for whatever came next.
Then Poppy’s hands drifted to the button on my jeans and I opened my eyes. She was studying me closely. “Is this … is this okay?” she asked cautiously. I nodded, speechless. Taking her free hand, she guided me to undress her, until all our clothes had been shed onto the floor.
Poppy sat quietly before me, her hands fidgeting on her lap. Her long brown hair was flowing over one of her shoulders, and her cheeks were flushed with red.
I’d never seen her so nervous.
I’d never been so nervous.
Reaching out my hand, I ran my finger down her hot cheek. At my touch, Poppy’s eyes fluttered up, a shy smile pulling on her lips.
“I love you, Poppymin,” I whispered.
A soft sigh escaped her mouth. “I love you too, Rune.”
Poppy’s fingers wrapped around my wrist and she carefully lay back on the bed, guiding me forward until I was beside her, my torso moving to cover hers.
Leaning in, I peppered soft kisses over her flushed cheeks and forehead, ending in a long kiss on her warm mouth. Poppy’s shaking hand pushed into my hair and pulled me closer.
It felt like only seconds later when Poppy shifted beneath me, breaking the kiss. She placed her palm on my cheek and said, “I’m ready.”
Nuzzling my face into her hand, I kissed the fingers resting on my cheek and absorbed her words. Poppy leaned over to the side and took something from the drawer of her nightstand. When she handed me the small packet she’d retrieved, I fought back a sudden rush of nerves.
I stared at Poppy and her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “I knew this day would come soon, Rune. I wanted to make sure we were prepared.”
I kissed my girl until I built up the nerve to do this. It didn’t take long, with Poppy’s touch calming the storm inside, until I knew I was ready.
Poppy opened her arms, guiding me above her. My mouth fused with hers, and for the longest time, I simply kissed her. I tasted the cherry lip balm on her lips, loving the feeling of her warm bare skin pressing against mine.
I pulled back for air. I met Poppy’s gaze and she nodded her head. I could see on her face how much she wanted me, as I wanted her. I kept my eyes locked on hers, and I did not break away once.
Not for a single second…
Afterward, I held her in my arms. We faced each other as we lay under the covers. Poppy’s skin was warm to the touch and her breathing was slowing back to its normal rhythm. Our fingers were linked on the pillow we now shared, our grips tight, hands slightly trembling.
Neither of us had spoken yet. As I studied Poppy watching every move I made, I prayed that she didn’t regret what we’d done.
I watched her swallow deeply and she drew in a slow breath. When she exhaled, she dipped her eyes to our clasped hands. As slowly as possible, she ran her lips over our entwined fingers.
I stilled.
“Poppymin,” I said, and her eyes lifted up. A long strand of her hair had fallen over her cheek and I gently pushed it back, tucking it behind her ear. She still hadn’t said anything. Needing her to know what we’d shared had meant to me, I whispered, “I love you so much. What we just did … being with you like that…” I trailed off, unsure how to express what I wanted to say.
She didn’t respond, and my stomach rolled, fearing I’d done something wrong. As my eyes closed in frustration, I felt Poppy’s forehead against mine and her lips whisper kisses onto my mouth. I shifted until we were as close as we could possibly get.
“I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life,” she confided, and the fear I felt was pushed far from my mind.
I blinked my eyes open and tightened my hold around her waist. “Was it … was it special for you, Poppymin? As special as it was for me?”
Poppy smiled a smile so wide that the sight stole my breath. “As special as special can be,” she softly replied, echoing the words she’d said to me when we were eight years old and I kissed her for the first time. Unable to do anything else, I kissed her with everything I had, pouring out all of my love into the kiss.
When we broke apart, Poppy squeezed my hand, and tears built in her eyes. “Kiss three hundred and fifty-five, with my Rune, in my bedroom … after we made love for the first time.” Taking my hand, she laid it on her chest, directly over her heart. I could feel its heavy beats under my palm. I smiled. I knew her tears were tears of happiness, not sadness.
“It was so special that my heart almost burst,” she added with a smile.
“Poppy,” I whispered, feeling my chest tighten.
Poppy’s smile fell, and I watched as her tears began falling to her pillow. “I don’t want you to leave me,” she said brokenly.
I couldn’t stand the pain in her voice. Or the fact that these tears were now sad ones. “I don’t want to go,” I replied, honestly.
We didn’t say anything else. Because there was nothing more to say. I combed Poppy’s hair through my fingers, while she ran her fingertips up and down my chest. It wasn’t long before Poppy’s breathing had evened out and her hand had stilled on my skin.
The rhythm of her steady breathing lulled my eyes to a close. I tried to stay awake as long as possible, to savor the time I had left. But before long, I drifted to sleep, a bittersweet mixture of happiness and sadness flowing through my veins.
It seemed like I had only just closed my eyes when I felt the rising sun’s warmth kissing my face. I blinked until I opened my eyes, seeing a new day breaking through Poppy’s window.
The day I was leaving.
My gut clenched when I saw the time. I was leaving in an hour.
When I glanced at Poppy, sleeping over my chest, I thought she’d never looked more beautiful. Her skin was flushed from the heat of our bodies, and I smiled on seeing our hands still joined on my stomach.
Suddenly nerves flooded through me when I thought of the night before.
She looked so contented as she slept. My biggest fear was that she would wake and regret what we’d done. I wanted her, so badly, to love what we had done as much as I did. I wanted the image of us together to be as ingrained in her memory as it would be in mine.
As if feeling my heavy stare, Poppy slowly opened her eyes. I watched as the recollection of the night before flashed across her face. Her eyes widened as she took in our bodies, our hands. My heart skipped a beat in trepidation, but then a beautiful slow smile spread across her face. Seeing this, I shifted closer to her. Poppy buried her head in my neck as I wrapped her in my arms. I held her close for as long as I possibly could.
When I finally lifted my head and checked the clock again, the anger from yesterday came crashing back.
“Poppymin,” I whispered, hearing the strained anger in my graveled voice. “I … I have to go.”
Poppy stiffened in my arms. When she shifted back, her cheeks were wet. “I know.”
I felt tears hitting my cheeks too. Poppy gently wiped them away. I caught her hand and laid a single kiss on the center of her palm. I stayed for a couple more minutes, drinking in every inch of Poppy’s face, before forcing myself to leave the bed and get dressed. Without looking back, I slid through the window and ran across the grass, feeling my heart tear with every single step.
I climbed through my window. My bedroom door had been unlocked from the outside. My pappa stood near the bed. For a brief moment my stomach turned at the fact that I’d been caught. But then the fury flared within me and I lifted my chin, daring to him to say something, anything.
I welcomed a fight.
I wouldn’t let him shame me for spending the night with the girl I loved. The one he was ripping me away from.
He turned and walked away without saying a word.
Thirty minutes passed in a flash. I cast a glance over my room, one last time. Lifting my backpack, I swung it over my shoulder and walked outside, my camera hanging around my neck.
Mr. and Mrs. Litchfield were already on our driveway, standing with Ida and Savannah, hugging my parents with their goodbyes. Seeing me walk out the door, they met me at the bottom of the steps and hugged me goodbye too.
