by Skye Taylor
“I bet the twins will love school, no matter how they get settled in.” The wistful look had faded from Zoe’s face, replaced by a furrowed frown of concern. “But, how did you make out with Celia?”
“The doctor changed her meds. He says a switch in medication often brings a noticeable improvement. So I’m hoping . . .” Hoping for a change dramatic enough to avoid thinking about the rest of the doctor’s advice.
“And if it doesn’t?” Zoe’s voice was soft and laced with an understanding compassion.
“He said I should start looking at assisted living options.” There! The words were out, and suddenly they were painfully real, eclipsing even the nightmare-inducing worry about Zoe.
“And you don’t want to think about it.” Zoe glanced back at the house, then returned her gaze to his. “How long has it been since she was first diagnosed?”
“About five years since the official diagnosis, but we think it might be a lot longer. Marsha used to totally lose patience with her because Celia would get so mixed up. That was back when Celia understood enough to retaliate, and they’d end up yelling at each other.”
“That had to be hard,” Zoe murmured.
“It was harder at the time because Celia knew what was happening to her. All her life she’d been so easygoing, and she never used to lose her temper. But at the start of this it was like, all of a sudden, she’d be snapping at the girls, or Marsha, or me. Usually over nothing at all. But I think it wasn’t so much about being angry at anyone so much as it was about being scared. She knew she was losing herself, and it scared her. Now she’s kind of gotten past that. The only person she snaps at now is my Aunt Catherine, but my aunt usually deserves it.”
“So maybe she’s beyond being upset about the idea of a home?”
“I don’t want to put Celia in a home. She’s—” He had to clear his throat. “Celia’s been like a second mother to me. She’s always been there for us. She took care of us. She took care of me, even when what I really deserved from her was contempt. Now it’s my turn to take care of her.” He wasn’t going to abandon her. Not like Marsha. He was better than that.
“I wouldn’t expect you to feel any different. That’s the kind of man you are. But taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s is tough no matter how much you love them. And sometimes it’s better for them to consider a home. Better for their safety. And—”
“Celia held our family together,” he said, cutting Zoe off. “I didn’t know it back then, but she was picking up all the slack. I was off working to support us, doing the manly thing. And Celia was being the mom to my kids so Marsha could play tennis and golf and have lunch with her unmarried friends. It wasn’t until Celia got sick that I suddenly realized just how much she’d been filling in and letting Marsha go on as if she were still a teenager without a care in the world. As soon as it became clear that Celia couldn’t manage it anymore, that’s when Marsha took off.”
Jake plowed his fingers through his hair. Anger rushed through him with searing intensity. He should shut up and not say anything else, but resentment and anguish drove him on. Words spilled out like a damn had burst. “Marsha never wanted to be a mother. She never wanted to be my wife either. She stopped pretending as soon as things fell apart, and it looked like she might have to grow up and be an adult for a change. How can a woman do that, Zoe? I mean, I get it that she didn’t love me anymore, but how could she abandon her own kids? Her own mother?”
“Doesn’t she ever come to see the kids or Celia?”
Jake shook his head. “Never. Not since the day she walked out. She called just the once to tell me it was over, but that was the last time I talked to her. I don’t even know where she is except somewhere in Arizona.”
“You’re kidding! What about the divorce? Didn’t you have to discuss that?”
“As far as Marsha is concerned, there was nothing to discuss. She wanted out and asked for nothing from me. I didn’t get a choice.”
“I see.” Except it didn’t sound as if Zoe did see. Jake couldn’t blame her. He still had a hard time understanding Marsha’s callous disregard for her mother and her children. And that wasn’t the whole story.
He took a deep breath and began to explain in a calmer tone.
“When Celia realized she was sick, and things were only going to get worse, she put everything in my control. I guess she knew her daughter a lot better than I ever did. Celia put the house and all the rest of her assets in trust for the girls with me as sole trustee. She gave me power of attorney and made me her executor. Marsha was furious.”
“I guess that would tend to create a rift. But considering what you’ve told me, I can only admire the strength and wisdom Celia showed in choosing you over her daughter to manage her affairs.”
“Marsha sulked for days and refused to even talk to her mother. Then she just up and left.”
Zoe was quiet for so long, Jake wondered if he’d said too much. She probably had no desire to hear him vent about Marsha. Besides, he hadn’t meant to dump all that anger and frustration out on Zoe. She didn’t deserve it. It had just been easier to fume about Marsha than face his problem with Celia.
“It’s not really about Marsha, and I’m sorry for the outburst. I’m over her, and I should be over all the anger, I guess. I thought I loved her once. Maybe I did, I don’t know. But I guess what I’m really angry about is all the hurt she left behind for the girls and for Celia.”
Zoe nodded her head understandingly. “Ava vents about it sometimes, too, but I think, on the whole, she’s a pretty well-adjusted kid, doing a pretty good job of coping. The only time the twins talk about her, it’s as if she was a visitor they once had and liked. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.”
“Celia’s not a kid. What about her?”
Jake realized Celia had never shared much of what she’d felt about her daughter’s departure. She’d just gone on doing the best she could in spite of her memory problems. And he’d planned to make it up to her one day.
“It’s just that I wanted to take Celia to Paris. Not to some lousy nursing home.”
“Paris?” Zoe lifted her eyebrows. “Why Paris?”
“She always wanted to go to Paris. She and her best friend talked about it a lot. They talked about going when the last of their kids were out of school. Just the two of them. They had a scrapbook of pictures they’d been collecting for years: the Eiffel Tower, the Cathedral of Notre Dame, the Louvre, the Arc de Triomphe, Versailles, and a dozen other places. They talked about a river cruise on the Seine and going to the opera. It was a dream they’d had since they were girls, I think.”
Zoe picked up her mug and put it to her lips, but then set it down again without drinking.
“Is that cold? You want a fresh mug?”
Zoe shook her head. “I assume they never got there?”
“Her friend did. But Celia stayed home to take care of Ava and Marsha. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t gotten Marsha pregnant, she’d have gone off to college, and Celia would have gone to Paris with her friend.”
Jake was a little appalled at his admission. He’d never admitted out loud to anyone how guilty he felt about how different things might have been for Celia had he not let lust get in the way of good sense.
“I can see how you might feel it’s your fault. But really? Why didn’t Celia just put the trip off a few weeks or months and go later? Surely Marsha could have managed without her once Ava wasn’t a newborn. Every other new mother in the world manages. Even teenage mothers.”
“Marsha didn’t want to manage without her! She whined and cried, and Celia gave up her trip. She gave up her life!” Jake shut his mouth abruptly, aware that once again, he’d let anger over things in the past erupt into the present where they had no business. “I just wish I’d taken Celia to Paris sooner. While she still remembered
her dream.”
Zoe felt the anguish in Jake’s voice clear down to her own soul. She’d done things she regretted. Like sleeping with Porter. Except if she hadn’t, there wouldn’t be any Molly, and she already loved the little being growing inside her with fierce intensity. She couldn’t imagine not having Molly in her life.
“Sometimes things happen for a reason. If things had been different, Celia might have gone to Paris, but you wouldn’t have Ava. Would you want to change that?”
Jake dropped his forehead into the palms of his hands, blocking out the scene around him as if he were trying to picture such a life. He shook his head without lifting his face. “No.” His admission was muffled. “But I still wish I didn’t have to think about nursing homes.”
“Celia doesn’t need a nursing home. At least not right off. Have you ever been inside an assisted living home, Jake?”
“No,” he admitted, then raised his head and looked at Zoe. “But I’ve been in a nursing home, and I hated every minute of it. My grandmother used to get parked in a chair with a table that held her captive for hours on end. Every day. For three years. I was pretty little at the time, but even so, I saw and understood the helpless despair in her eyes. No,” he repeated. “I don’t like the idea of putting Celia in any kind of a home. It’s not the same as being with a family who loves you.”
“I’ve never had to make such a choice for anyone I loved, and I’m not sure I wouldn’t feel the same as you, but . . .” At the bleak look in Jake’s eyes, Zoe wanted to reach out and hug him, but refrained.
“Look, Jake. On Sundays I deliver flowers from the altar at church to shut-ins. A couple of the people I visit are like Celia, and they live in protected environments within an assisted living facility. It’s nothing like the nursing home you remember from your grandmother’s day. Why don’t you come with me this Sunday and check it out?”
“But she belongs with us,” Jake insisted.
“She belongs where she’ll be the safest,” Zoe countered gently. Jake clearly had no idea what an assisted living facility was like. He was thinking with his heart, not his head. “It wouldn’t be like you’d never see her. Or like she isn’t still part of the family. It’s like she has her own apartment, and you can visit anytime you like. And you can take her out anytime you want, too. Take her out to dinner and her favorite restaurant. Bring her to the house for parties and holidays or just because you want her around. Like on weekends, maybe, when you’re not working and the kids are home from school. But when you can’t be here to watch out for her, she’ll have a place where she’s taken care of and protected.”
“That’s what her doctor said, but . . .” Jake scrunched his shoulders up, then dropped them.
Zoe reached across the dark span that separated them and placed her hand on his forearm. “The best place I’ve visited is less than five minutes away. They have a great staff that engages the residents in all kinds of activities. They have movie nights. Bingo games. Cards and crafts and picture puzzles. There’s a lovely outdoor area that’s entirely enclosed. They can sit out there and enjoy the sun on nice days.
“Come with me this weekend,” she urged. “Maybe the meds will bring about a big improvement, and it will turn out you don’t need to do anything right now. Maybe you could even take her to Paris in a month or two. But eventually you will have to consider a home. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what your options are?”
Jake gazed at Zoe in silence. Light from the front hall illuminated the strong planes of his face and glittered in his eyes. “You seem to care an awful lot. How come?”
It was on the tip of Zoe’s tongue to say, because I love you. Instead, she said, “Because we’re friends. And because I like Celia.”
As they gazed at each other in silence, Zoe felt the pull that Jake always had for her. This man who was so capable. So gentle. So caring. And so torn up by the things life had done to him and those he loved. He was the man she’d been waiting for all her life. She was as incapable of pulling herself away from his magnetism as the moon was of breaking out of the earth’s orbit.
When he leaned slowly toward her, Zoe knew he was going to kiss her. She wanted to close her eyes and be surprised by the touch of his mouth on hers. But she kept her eyes open. She watched him close the distance. Watched the play of emotions across his face. Probing the depth of his eyes, she hoped to see her love returned.
When his lips did touch hers, they were soft and ever so gentle. Just a brush of his flesh against hers. Excitement raced through her as if he’d lit off fireworks. She saw a flare of heat in his eyes in the brief moment before he closed them. Then he kissed her again.
Chapter 18
JAKE KNEW HE shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be kissing her. Shouldn’t be holding her like this. His emotions were so close to the surface these days, and it had been too long since he’d been with a woman. Zoe was there. She was desirable and willing. And he could so easily end up taking them both to a place he shouldn’t go.
He’d be taking advantage of her. And that was the last thing he wanted. But her mouth tasted so sweet. The way she melted against him just made him want to hang onto her forever.
Forever!
There was no forever! Jake dropped his arm and stood up abruptly. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
He glanced down at Zoe. He saw the hurt in her eyes. Hurt he’d brought upon her. This had to stop. She was too vulnerable. She was his friend.
“Please, Jake. Don’t be sorry. I’m not.”
He reached down to take her hand and pulled her to her feet. “Then I won’t be sorry either. But your friendship means a lot to me. I don’t want to mess it up.”
“I don’t think you can mess it up. We haven’t known each other that long, but our friendship means a lot to me, too.” She cupped his cheek with one hand. Her fingers were cool against his skin.
“You’re a very special guy, Jake. I treasure whatever it is we have going between us, so please don’t be sorry. I—” She pressed her lips together for a moment, then the corners of her mouth turned up in a sweet little smile. “Good night, Jake. And don’t forget to think about Sunday.”
She tiptoed and quickly kissed him on the lips. Then she hurried down the steps and faded into the night just as she had done a few nights ago. He watched her reappear in the circle of light under the lamppost at the end of her front walk. She mounted her front stairs with a skipping step and headed for her door. At the last moment, she turned and blew him a kiss. Then the screen door slapped shut behind her, and her porch light went off.
Jake sank back onto the steps, thinking about what had just happened. Like an unseen wave that took one by surprise on the beach, desire had slammed into him, soaking and shocking in its power. But Zoe was his friend, not his lover.
He’d never had a woman as a friend before, and he wasn’t sure just how to act. But he was damned sure that the notion of friends with benefits didn’t work in the long run. Sooner or later one or both parties got hurt.
Zoe had burst into his life, bringing a houseful of animals and more problems than he could have thought possible. But somehow none of that mattered, because she was so full of life and optimism. She seemed wise beyond her years and generous to a fault. She glowed with something that came from within. Something he was incapable of putting words to, but felt inescapably drawn to. He felt as if he’d known her for years instead of mere months. He felt like he could tell her anything and she’d understand. That kind of friendship was rare, and he didn’t want to lose it. He’d told Philip he wasn’t going to mess around with her, and he meant it.
He’d just have to behave with her like he did with his friends on the fire crew, or the guys at work. Like he did with any of his other friends. But the memory of her mouth melting beneath his lingered and made him squirm. Maybe just being friends with a woman wasn’t reall
y possible after all.
ZOE LEANED against her door in the darkened hall with her fingers pressed against her lips. Lips Jake had just kissed. A kiss that had not been about passion, yet she’d sensed that passion lurked beneath the surface. Why had he pulled away from her and leapt to his feet so abruptly? What kind of signal was she sending that made him back off every time they got close?
She’d wanted him to kiss her. How could she have made her desire any clearer? Could she have been mistaken about the passion after all? Jake said he treasured their friendship and didn’t want to jeopardize it. So maybe that really was all he wanted from her.
Zoe thought about the other men she’d known. Not that she had all that much experience to review. She laughed at herself, but there wasn’t any humor in it.
Starting with her father who needed someone to take over running the household, they’d all wanted something. The boy next door had wanted the thrill of feeling a girl’s breasts. Male acquaintances in high school had been pretty much interested in getting help with their homework. Bree had set Zoe up on a blind date once, but after Zoe balked at making out in the back seat of his car, he hadn’t asked for a second date. Porter had just wanted a convenient bed partner and maybe a leg up in her father’s firm. But none had ever wanted to be her friend. Not until Jake.
Zoe had never had a male friend. A man she could be herself with. Who made her laugh and shared her political and religious views. Someone comfortable enough in his own skin to share his problems with her and wasn’t afraid to admit to his mistakes. Not only had she never had a friend like Jake, she’d never even known a man like Jake. Jake was special.
