Present
Goddammit. I wish she would have said no.
But I can’t put the blame on her. This is my fault. I always have to push my boundaries and see how far I can take my body. Looking at it now, I’ve taken it too fucking far.
Why couldn’t I have been content being a firefighter back in Tennessee? I didn’t really need this. I had everything I wanted back home, but it wasn’t enough. Subconsciously I think I was fighting a ghost to prove I’m unstoppable. That my fate would never end like my dad’s. I needed that high, the added adrenaline. Now my body is completely depleted of it when I need it the most.
I ball my fists up in frustration and clench my jaw. I want to go back in time and kick my own ass. My old job had plenty of risk, so I don’t know why it was so important to chase after this. But this is one risk I never factored into the equation. I never thought I’d be in a position where I was separated from my team and relying on my beacon to save me. Before, people always knew where I was when trying to put out a building. Out here, I’m like a needle in a haystack, hoping someone pricks their finger on me and gets me the hell out of here.
I’ve always achieved whatever I set my mind to. If I want something, I get it. Mia, joining the department, becoming a smokejumper, all of it. But I think with success comes a level of invincibility. I’m always cautious on the job, but I don’t think I ever really thought this would be happening to me.
I’m a fucking dumbass.
I’ve experienced enough in life to know things don’t always go your way. When everything seems to be going good, there’s the possibility something will fuck it all up. Because that’s exactly what has happened. I’ve gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From thinking life couldn’t get any better to wondering why this would happen to us. My only hope is that the low I’m in now will be followed by a high and I’ll get to see and hold my family again.
June, 21 2013
“You look gorgeous, by the way,” I tell Mia as she sits across the table from me in her simple black dress.
“Thank you,” she responds, her face lighting up with the compliment. As we’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed subtle changes in her appearance. Like the small lines around her eyes or mouth when she laughs, but she’s more stunning to me now than she was when we started dating eleven years ago.
“Are you ready to order this evening?” the server asks us.
“Yes,” I respond. We’ve been seated for about five minutes, so we’ve had time to look over the menu. “She’ll have the filet mignon, cooked medium, with a salad and seasonal vegetables. And I’ll have the same except for a loaded baked potato instead of vegetables.”
“Okay, would you guys care for any wine with your meal?”
I look at Mia. “Uh, no thanks,” she says.
“And for you, sir?” the server asks, looking up from his notepad.
“Nothing for me, thanks.” Drinking isn’t an issue for me anymore. I’ll have an occasional beer, but I don’t use it as a crutch.
“Okay, I’ll get that in for you then.” With that, he walks off, leaving us to our conversation again.
Mia checks her phone for the fifth time since we’ve been here. “She’s fine,” I reassure her.
“I know.” Her tone suggests otherwise.
“This isn’t the first time my mom has watched a baby, you know? Aubrey’s probably in bed already.” My mom flew in for the week to visit and help Mia out since my hours are normally crazy this time of year. She wasn’t really thrilled with the idea of me becoming a smokejumper. When I told her I wanted to be a firefighter, I could see the anxiety in her eyes. Despite trying to hide it, she was afraid. Hell, at first, so was I. Losing Dad changed all of us, but Mom’s never been one to hold me and my brother back from our goals. But the smokejumper thing was another story.
“Here, let me get that for you,” I tell Mom as I take the dishes from her. Dinner went better than I thought, and everyone’s reaction to our news seemed to be pretty positive. Still, I can tell something is off with Mom, like she wants to say something. “You can say it,” I tell her, breaking the silence as she goes about rearranging things on the kitchen counter.
“What?” She won’t meet my eyes, letting me know my suspicions are correct.
“I can tell you want to say something, so just say it.”
“Why, Blake? Why?” The look on her face damn near breaks me. There’s such devastation, as if I’m seeking to intentionally hurt her.
My shoulders slump forward, hating the feeling of disappointing her. “I can’t explain it; it’s just something I want to do.”
“That’s not a good explanation. There has to be more to it than that for you to uproot your family clear across the country.”
I let out a sigh. “It’s hard to explain, Mom.”
“Try. I need to understand this. I can’t see why you would want to add more risk to your job when you have a wife and baby at home waiting on you.”
I continue to rinse off the dishes to keep busy, needing something to do to refocus my energy. “I like the challenge.”
“What you do now isn’t challenging enough?” she asks incredulously.
I shake my head slightly. “No,” I say matter of factly. “These guys are the best of the best, the elite. But it’s not just about that. This provides more stability for me and my family.”
“How so? Jumping out of planes doesn’t scream stable to me.”
My mom isn’t normally such a ball buster. I’m actually shocked she’s giving me the third degree right now. “I get to be home more with my family this way. You know what the schedule is like at the department. I have to do twenty-four-hour shifts and sleep at the station. If there’s a call at the end of my shift, I have to stay over. Remember how much Dad was away?” She nods. “It won’t be that way anymore. Sure, the summers will be crazy, but the rest of the year will be cake.”
When I glance up at her, she’s staring, trying to process what I’ve said to her. “Okay, just be careful.”
“Always.”
“You’re right.” She blows out a cleansing breath with her eyes closed, bringing me back to the present. “No more checking my phone. I promise,” she says.
I smile my approval while grabbing her hand. “I know life is crazy right now, but I’m glad we’re able to spend our anniversary together.”
“Five years,” she reminisces.
“Five years since you were mine on paper, but this October makes twenty-three years since you were mine in my heart. Twenty-three years since I brought you home and had Mom make you a grilled cheese sandwich so you wouldn’t look so sad.”
A small smile forms on her face. “Seems like forever.”
“I was thinking it doesn’t seem long enough.” We stare into each other’s eyes, locked in our own bubble. “I don’t think you understand how happy you make me.” My thumb strokes the back of her hand. “I can’t imagine my life without you, and looking back, I don’t know how I survived the three years we were apart.”
“You make me happy too, Blake. I love our life and our little family.” Mia takes a sip of her water. “Speaking of family, I’ve been thinking . . .”
“Uh oh.”
“Ha ha,” she replies in a sarcastic tone. “What do you think about having another baby?” Her bottom lip goes between her teeth as she waits anxiously for my answer.
“Well, you know I’m always down for practicing.” I move my eyebrows suggestively and grin at her.
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Can you be serious for a second?”
“Okay, okay. All kidding aside, I wouldn’t mind having more kids. I’ll have however many you want, but I draw the line at a basketball team.” I hold my hand up and say, “Five’s my limit.”
“I’m glad you said that, because I’m pregnant,” she blurts out in a rush. My eyes widen in shock.
“Wh-what?” I shake my head slightly trying to process this. “How did this happen?”
&
nbsp; She arches an eyebrow. “I think we both know how, Mr. Collins.”
Smart ass.
“I thought you were on the pill.”
“I am—or I was. I guess it didn’t work. I took a test yesterday, and it came up positive. I called the doctor and she calculated I was approximately six weeks based on my cycle, but she’ll be able to give a more definite answer when I see her next week.”
“Holy shit.” I hop up from my seat, walk around the table, and pull her up from her chair so I can wrap my arms around her tight. My face buries in her neck before peppering it with kisses. I pull back and look at her in awe. “My God, I love you.”
She smiles up at me, radiating from the inside out. “I love you too, but you’re causing a scene,” she whispers.
“Let them stare.” My breath fans against her lips before sealing them with mine once again. An older man at a table next to us clears his throat. Looking over at him, I say, “Sorry, sir, but I just found out my wife is having my baby. I couldn’t help myself.” The corners of his mouth turn up in a small smile. With a nod of his head, all is forgiven.
“What are you hoping for?” she asks as the server sets our food in front of us. It smells so good my mouth waters.
I shrug. “It’d be nice to have a boy, but I don’t care as long as it’s healthy.”
“Me too.”
“When do you go to the doctor?” I slice into a piece of my steak and shove it in my mouth.
“Wednesday.”
My face pulls down in a frown. “I don’t think I’ll be able to get off to go with you. You know how the summer goes. It was like pulling teeth to get tonight off.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got your mom here, so I don’t have to worry about Aubrey.”
I nod with a small smile, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. My mom’s presence is appreciated, but I can’t stop the feelings of guilt and disappointment from creeping its way in. It should be me there with her, hearing the news from the doctor that she’s pregnant. I’ll miss the smile and glow on Mia’s face and have to hear everything secondhand. I love my job, but hate the sacrifices it forces me and my family to make.
We enjoy the rest of our meal with easy conversation as I try my best to return to my good mood. It’s so good to get out with her, and I don’t want to let anything ruin it. I love Aubrey to death, but it’s more work than anything when we take her somewhere. She’s a ticking time bomb waiting to go off in restaurants, and we usually ask for our check as soon as our food is brought out because we never know when we’ll have to leave. Nothing’s worse than being those parents who let their kid scream throughout dinner.
This is relaxing and refreshing, but it also lets us reconnect. We are the foundation to our whole family. If we fall apart, everything crumbles around us. As long as we stay strong and bonded, so will our family.
“Is this where you thought your life would end up?” I ask her once our plates are cleared.
She looks up as she contemplates my question. “Did I think I’d be living in Oregon? No. Did I think I’d be with you? Absolutely.”
My head tilts to the side. “Even after my fuck up you still saw us together?” We’ve talked about our time apart and how miserable we were. I knew she said she missed me, but I never knew she thought we’d find our way back to each other eventually.
She laughs. “Yes, even after that. What’s that saying? The heart wants what it wants?” She looks at her glass while her finger runs around the rim. Shrugging, she says, “We’re PB&J. You can’t have one without the other, right?”
I stare at her in admiration. She is the most forgiving, loving, fucking beautiful woman in the universe, and somehow she’s mine. “You ready to go?” I ask.
She nods with a smile.
I park us off this bluff I found one day driving to work. When we’re not fighting fires, we try to prevent them by setting controlled burns to get rid of the brush and things that would spread fires quickly if one occurred. We were cutting things back in the valley below when I looked up and found this place. Determined to see if I could get to it somehow, I drove around for forty minutes until I found the path that led me to it. Sitting here in the quiet with my wife, not a soul in site, the effort was worth it.
“Is this the part where I act shy and play hard to get?” She bats her eyelashes at me, making me laugh.
“Babe, I’ve already had it, but you can play with my dick and get me hard any day.”
She swats my chest. “You’re such a perv.”
“Yeah, but you love this perv.”
“Don’t ask me why, but I do.”
Leaning over the center console, I give her a kiss as my hand grazes her jawline and runs up to the base of her neck. It doesn’t take long for me to deepen the kiss as my tongue slips into her mouth. She always tastes the same. A hint of cherry mixed with a flavor that’s just her. I swear every time I kiss her is like the first time. There’s a spark, a burst of energy where I want her so fucking bad. She strips me bare where I’m that awkward, sixteen-year-old kid again who didn’t know what the hell he was doing when we started dating.
A groan vibrates in the back of my throat when she runs her nails over my chest. Even over my shirt it makes my body vibrate with need, ready for what’s next. “I need more, Mia. I need to taste you.”
“That might be kinda hard in here.” She looks around not seeing the endless possibilities.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Pulling back, I open my door and get out, giving her a wink when I’m met with her confused face before I close my door. I open the back door of my truck and climb in. All I gotta say is thank God for the extended cab on my Dodge Ram because I have plenty of space in here.
“Sit up here and face me,” I instruct once I close the door again. The center arm rest is so wide it’s practically a third seat. She’ll fit there no problem. Sitting on my knees behind it, I wait for her to get in position. I grab her legs and help her get them between the two seats, facing me. “You won’t be needing these.” I reach up under her dress and pull off her panties.
“I can’t lean back,” she says, looking for somewhere to prop herself.
“Here, scoot toward me.” I sit on my ass and fold my legs before draping her legs over my back. Holding her ass in my hands, now I can bring my dessert up to me. “Lean back.” She does, resting on her elbows.
I dive in, not wanting to waste another second where she’s not on my tongue. I lick her in one, wide, flat stroke from bottom to top. Her breath hitches at the initial contact. Pointing my tongue, I flutter over her clit until she throws her head back on a long moan.
“Yes, right there,” she pants out, her legs tightening around my head.
I could draw this out and slow down, delaying her gratification, but there’s a reason car-sex is more of a sprint, and not a marathon. Sucking on her bud sends her over the edge. She writhes, squirming in the limited space we have. When I’m sure I’ve lapped up every drop, I slide her legs off the back of my shoulders, move back an inch, and undo my pants.
Not needing any instruction, she ducks as she climbs off the console and straddles my lap. Slowly, she sinks down on me, and I have to concentrate to keep my eyes open and on her. She feels so damn good as my dick is sheathed in her warm, wet core inch by inch. When she’s completely seated on me, I grip her hips and help her set a steady rhythm.
“Fuck, you feel good, babe.” We’re both panting, chasing the same finish line. The air feels muggy as our breaths fog up the windows, but we don’t stop. We can’t.
I feel her tighten around my dick as her orgasm spasms through her. Her forehead rests on my shoulder, no longer having the strength to move anymore, but I’m close behind her. Lifting her up two more times, I follow over the edge with her. Trembling with each jerk of my release, I hold Mia close as my arms wrap around her slim body and hold her to me. Our sweat-slicked foreheads rest against each other, and I swear I can feel her heart beating in sync with mine.
; “I love you,” she says sleepily, thoroughly exhausted. I’m not gonna lie, it makes me smug as shit knowing she can’t move because of me.
“I love you too, babe.” I push the hair off her face and hold her to me as I continue to grow soft inside her.
“What about you?” Her words may be spoken softly, but they cut through the thick silence around us.
“What do you mean?”
“Is this where you thought you’d be?”
“Absolutely,” I answer quickly.
“What about in another five years? Where do you see yourself?”
I give it some thought. I think about the growing baby inside my wife’s body, the beautiful child we’re raising at home, and the love and life we share as we get older. “I’m not sure where we’ll be in five years, but as long as I have you and our kids, I don’t care. I need you more than my lungs need air, more than fire needs oxygen to burn. I can’t survive without you. You’re the blood in my veins and the beat of my heart. I live for you.”
Her head lifts off my shoulder and she looks at me, tears filling her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I ask as I wipe a tear away.
She shakes it off. “Nothing. Just these stupid pregnancy hormones.” Her head tilts up as she wipes the smudges off her face.
“Uh oh.” My eyes widen in horror. “We’re not going to see the hangry monster yet, are we? Is there any way you can hold that one back for a while longer? I think it traumatized me last time.”
“Oh, shut up. It wasn’t that bad.” She swats my chest and rises up slowly, letting me fall out of her.
“Really? Do you not remember the ice cream incident? Or as I refer to it, Dooms Day?”
“Seriously, Blake. You’re exaggerating.” She rolls her eyes before reaching for her panties and sliding them back on.
“Why would I need to exaggerate? The truth is just as scary. I forgot to bring home ice cream after being at work for eighteen hours and you yelled at me for being inconsiderate. And I remember saying, ‘Sorry, honey, I had a long day at work.’ Do you remember what your response was?” I turn my ear toward her waiting to hear her answer.
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