He rolled his eyes. “Do you make this a habit? Fucking women without a condom?”
I took a step toward him and grabbed his shirt. “Don’t talk about her like it was some casual fuck.”
His brows lifted, and he gave me an incredulous look. “Really? Then what was it, Ty?”
I stared at him, unable to answer his question.
“I . . . I don’t know what it was, but nothing else is going to happen. I told Kaylee before we even started I wasn’t looking for anything more, so she knew what the rules were.”
Brock shook his head and then dropped it as he sighed. “Ty, dude. Lincoln got pregnant with me wearing a condom, and she was on birth control. What were you thinking? If you aren’t looking for something serious with Kaylee, why would you risk that?”
I swallowed hard and looked down at the ground. The sound of another tractor rolling up had both of us looking over to our father.
Brock faced me again. “Let’s finish up here and then go grab some lunch and beer. It’s time we talked, Ty.”
With a nod, I reached down and picked up my cowboy hat, which had been knocked off my head when Brock punched me. I knew I’d deserved it.
As our father approached us, Brock said in a low voice, “Dad doesn’t need to know about this.”
“If you think I’m going to fucking announce it, you’re wrong.”
He shot me another dirty look, then headed over toward our dad.
Brock was right. If my parents found out how reckless I’d been, and with Kaylee, of all women, they would be angry and disappointed. I’d already disappointed them enough.
“Fields are all plowed . . . good job, boys. We can plant them tomorrow. Tanner called your mama and said he’d be in town for a few days. We’ll put him to work as well.”
I smiled, as did Brock.
Our father’s gaze bounced from me to Brock. “Everything okay with you both?”
Brock and I exchanged a look and then nodded at our father. I would never be able to figure out how the man seemed to know when something was off with his sons. He’d always had some weird sense when we were fighting or upset with one another. He especially knew when it was between me and Brock. Before, it had always been about bull riding. Arguing which one of us was better, fighting about God knows what. We’d try to hide it from him, but he always seemed to know.
“Yeah, everything is fine. We’re going to head off and grab some lunch and beer. You want to come with us?” Brock asked. We both knew our father would say no, but inviting him would ease his mind about something being wrong between us.
He frowned. “What happened to your mouth?”
I reached up and flinched when I touched it, then tasted a small amount of blood. Immediately, my gaze went to Brock, who was smirking. The bastard had gotten me good.
“Brock and I got into a bit of an argument,” I said, causing Brock’s eyes to widen in shock. After the whole shit with my drug addiction, I’d sworn to my folks I’d never lie to them again. I meant it. “We worked it out. No worries, Dad,” I added with a smile.
Our father nodded, took another good look at both of us, and laughed. “You two will never change—always settling things with your fists.”
“It’s quicker that way, right, Ty?” Brock smiled and patted our father on the back as he turned and headed over to his truck.
“You boys stay out of trouble. You got a newborn to look after, Brock Shaw.”
Brock’s mouth fell open, and he turned back to me. “And he assumes it’s my fault?”
I shrugged. “You’re the one who punched me, dude.”
With a snarling expression, Brock shook his head. “Where do you want to eat?”
“Filling station sounds good to me.”
He nodded. “Ride together?”
I laughed. “Hell no. I’ll meet you there.”
Brock beat me to the filling station and was sitting at a table talking to Kristin, a waitress who’d been working there since they’d first opened. As I made my way toward the table, a few people said hi and some nodded a silent hello, and I responded with one of my own. A few women gave me sexy smiles; those I ignored and kept on walking.
“Hey, Ty. Something to drink?” Kristin asked.
“Anything on draft, Kristin. Thanks.”
She nodded and smiled before turning and walking off. Brock took a drink of his bottled beer and slowly set it down.
I looked around the restaurant, stalling.
“Okay, I’ll start first, since you’re not. Why don’t you want something more with her?”
My gaze shot back and locked on his. I laughed. “Are you seriously asking me that?”
“Yes, I am, Ty. It’s about fucking time you say it out loud so the rest of us can understand where the hell your mind is in all of this, not to mention your dick.”
I frowned. “Say what?”
“Tell me. Tell me whatever the hell it is you have in your mind that makes you think you’re not cut out for a relationship.”
Laughing again, I dropped back in my seat. “So you fell in love, got married, and, what, earned your license in psychology all at the same time?”
He rolled his eyes. “Listen, Ty, I get that life fucked you over, and I’m not going to pretend I know what it was like to walk away from bull riding. I had the choice and left on my own. I understand you went through some shit, and I, of all people, get why you’re keeping her at a distance. But you’ve already told me there’s something about her that’s different. It’s fucking obvious that you’re scared of your feelings for her.”
I scoffed.
Kristin walked back over with my beer and set it down, then looked at both of us. “Ready to order?”
“I’ll have the gas hog burger,” Brock said, handing her back the menu.
“Ty?” she asked, waiting for my order. Brock’s words were tumbling around in my head. I was unfocused as shit and hadn’t given a second thought to food.
“Um, I’ll take, ah . . . um . . .”
I glanced up to see both of them watching me. The corner of Brock’s mouth twitched with a smirk he was at least attempting to hold back.
“I’ll have the same thing as Brock,” I finally said.
“Sounds good. Both well done, right?”
We both replied yes together. Once Kristin was gone, I let out a breath, shook my head, and closed my eyes for a moment before speaking.
“There’s a side of me, Brock, that is scared shitless to let myself even think I could be happy. With anything or anyone. If I let someone in, the darkness will eventually swallow up any happiness I feel, and I’m going to end up right where I was that morning after the accident. Lost, confused, hurt. Angry. Kaylee’s had enough heavy bullshit in her life—she doesn’t need mine.”
“So you’re going to make that decision for her? You ever think maybe she’s the one person who is capable of making you happy? That she can make that decision on her own because of the heavy shit she’s already been through?”
My gaze met his. “That’s the problem, Brock. Something about Kaylee Holden gets to me. In a good way . . . a damn good way. The first time we ever kissed, I knew she would become my new addiction if I let her. And I can’t let her. I fought this battle for almost a year, and one move on her part and I was practically on my knees with need for her. I can’t . . . I can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t lose her. If I did, it would destroy me.”
He let out a half-hearted laugh. “What makes you think you’ll lose her? How is that any different than what you’re doing to yourself, and to her, right now? And maybe it was just an itch y’all needed to scratch? You ever think of that?”
It was my turn to laugh. “Nah, that wasn’t no itch. I’ve never in my life felt that way with a woman. I didn’t want to leave her bed, Brock. I did and said things to her I’ve never done or voiced to any other woman. I thought I couldn’t get her out of my mind before, and now, after being with her?
Hell, I’m never going to be able to forget the way she felt in my arms. But it will end badly, because I’m not the guy she needs.”
“And why do you think that?” he asked.
I stared at him like he was an idiot. “She’s already had a guy who was messed up in the head. He hurt her and left her devastated. I won’t be the one to do that to her again.”
He sighed. “Damn it, Ty, why do you think you’re going to hurt her?”
“I’m not going to ask Kaylee to fix something that’s broken. It’s me. I’m the one who’s broken. I won’t do that to her. She deserves more.”
“What if you ain’t broken, Ty? You just need someone to help you heal? I thought the same thing with Lincoln. She changed my entire life. She healed what was hurting. You’ve got to take the risk, Ty.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. This morning when I woke up next to her, I had the strangest feeling in my chest, something I have never experienced before, and Kaylee was the cause of it. She makes me want something I’m not ready for. Hell, I don’t know if I will ever be ready for it, truth be told.”
“You won’t ever be able to move on if you don’t learn to take the risk, to open up your heart and let something good in,” Brock said—and fuck me if I didn’t consider buying what he was selling.
Anger ripped through me because I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to take the jump. I was scared; I was so fucking scared of being hurt again. Of hurting Kaylee.
Brock sighed and shook his head. “So explain something to me. Why did you not wear a condom?”
My heart dropped in my chest, and we stared at each other. There was no way I could tell him the truth. Judging by the way he was looking at me, though, he already knew the answer to that question.
“Holy fuck, Ty. You can’t give yourself to Kaylee . . . so were you hoping to give her a part of you? Are you out of your damn mind, bro?”
Kristin walked up at that moment and set our food down in front of us. “Anything else you boys need?” she asked.
I shook my head, and Brock answered. “We’re good, thank you. Although, now that I think about it, Kristin, Ty here needs a new brain, if you’ve got any there in the back. He seems to have lost his.”
She just smiled at us both while I shot him a pissed-off look.
When she walked away, I met his hard stare. I didn’t need to answer his previous question; he saw it in my eyes. The only thing he did was shake his head and look away. Leaving me to let the guilt and regret of last night settle right into the middle of my chest.
Chapter Sixteen
KAYLEE
Three weeks later: May
I stood on the front porch and smiled as Blayze bounced down the sidewalk toward me. He had an overnight bag and a huge smile on his face.
“Aunt Kaylee! Are you ready for our sleepover?”
Returning his smile, I nodded. “I most certainly am!”
Blayze raced up the steps and wrapped his arms around my waist. My heart jumped in my chest, and I attempted to control my tears. These stupid emotions lately were going to be the death of me. I didn’t even know why I felt the urge to cry right then.
When Lincoln walked up and stopped, she took one look at me and her smile faded.
“Blayze, why don’t you run on in and put your bag in the guest room. I need to talk grown-up stuff with Aunt Kaylee.”
“Okay, Mama!” He raced into the house as we both watched. When I turned back to Lincoln, I saw the love in her eyes for her son. She might not have been his biological mother, but she loved and adored that little boy so much.
Then her gaze met mine. “What’s wrong? Did you finally see Ty?”
I blew out an exaggerated breath and waved my hand in front of me in a nonchalant manner. “No, he has totally ghosted me.”
It had been three weeks since that night we’d spent together. That wonderful, incredible, sex-filled night.
“You haven’t seen him at all?” Lincoln asked, concern in her eyes.
I shook my head. “No. I think he’s put some sort of GPS on me, and it alerts him whenever I’m within a one-mile radius, because I haven’t run into him in the normal places I usually do around town. Either that, or he’s not leaving the ranch, which is possible. Stella said it’s been a busy beginning to spring.”
Lincoln nodded. “Yeah, Brock’s been up early every day to head on out and help his dad and Ty.”
I forced a smile.
“Has he texted you at all?” she asked, glancing over my shoulder, looking for Blayze.
“Once. He asked how I was doing and if I had plenty of wood for that front that moved through a couple weeks ago.”
Her mouth dropped open. “That’s it?”
Smiling, I drew in a deep breath and let it out. “What do you expect, Lincoln? We agreed it was a one-night thing.”
“That’s fine, but to totally avoid you is just him being a dick.”
I shrugged. “Whatever. Doesn’t matter anyway.”
She tilted her head. “It does matter. What if—”
Knowing what she was about to say, I cut her off. “I started this morning, so all is fine.”
I couldn’t help but notice the relieved look on her face. It was quickly replaced with a confused expression. “Wait, is that why you’re feeling down? Kaylee, you didn’t want . . .”
Lincoln’s voice trailed off when I broke our eye contact and looked back into the house.
“Blayze? What are you doing?” I called out, hoping to see him coming down the hall and saving me from this conversation. He wasn’t, though.
Damn it.
“Oh. My. God. Is that why you didn’t want him wearing a condom?”
I turned back to face her. “Scream it, why don’t you, Lincoln?”
Her hands covered her mouth as she gasped. When she dropped them back to her side, she slowly shook her head. “Kaylee Holden, have you lost your ever-loving mind? You were trying to get pregnant?”
“Of course not!” I said in a hushed voice.
“Then why do you look upset about this?”
“I’m not upset,” I shot back. At least not really upset.
“You are! I see it all over your face. You were hoping Ty got you pregnant.”
My eyes burned with the threat of tears. As crazy as it sounded, when he didn’t put a condom on, then thought twice about it, I knew I wanted him to not wear one for two reasons. One, I needed to feel him bare, and two, I actually had lost my ever-loving mind.
A small part of me hoped he’d left a piece of himself behind that night. In my crazy mind, I knew Ty had meant it when he’d said one night would be it. I needed more. I needed something of him, and as crazy as it sounded now, a baby would have been fine with me.
I wiped away a tear that had managed to slip free. “Is it so wrong that I maybe wished for something from him? That if he couldn’t give me himself, then at least I’d have a part of him?”
Her eyes closed as she let out a breath. “Kaylee.” Then she wrapped me in her arms, and I let the tears fall.
“I know it’s stupid, and irresponsible, but a part of me was hoping like hell it had happened, Lincoln. Does that make me crazy? I think that makes me crazy!”
“Shh, it doesn’t make you that crazy, sweetie. Just a whole lot crazy.”
I laughed and sobbed at the same time.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying, Aunt Kaylee?” Blayze asked from behind me.
Drawing back from Lincoln, I quickly wiped the tears away. “Nothing is wrong, buddy. Everything is exactly how it should be. What should we do first?”
Blayze smiled. “I have practice tonight.”
I drew my brows in and gave Lincoln a wondering look. “Practice for what?”
She sighed. “Blayze here thinks he wants to be a professional bull rider. His daddy couldn’t be more proud; his mama, on the other hand, is a nervous wreck. Anyway, in his attempt to help him pursue this career goal, Brock signed Bl
ayze up for an event at the rodeo next month.”
“Surely not bull riding!” I said in a horrified voice.
Lincoln shook her head. “Oh, no. Close, though. Mutton busting.”
Unable to hide my laughter, I placed my hand over my mouth and attempted to cover it up with a cough. After clearing my throat, I asked, “And where does one go for mutton-busting lessons?”
I swore Blayze puffed his chest out some.
Lincoln replied, “They don’t have lessons for that, but Brock doesn’t give up easily. He talked to Brad Littlewood, who owns some sheep, and asked him if they could practice on them.” She looked at her son. “Did you bring your helmet?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Blayze said.
My heart melted a little. These crazy urges to have a baby were beginning to worry me. I’d understood how strong those emotions were when I’d held Morgan in the hospital when she was a few hours old. She was a baby. With the whole sweet smell and precious fingers and toes. I thought the desire would fade away. It hadn’t. It felt like it was growing stronger and stronger with each passing day.
“I’m not surprised Brad was on board with this,” I said with a chuckle.
Brad Littlewood was the father of Brock’s best friend and fellow bull rider, Dirk Littlewood. Dirk and I had grown pretty close after I’d moved here with Lincoln. Nothing sexual between us, just friends. He was easy to talk to and wasn’t the least bit interested in trying to get into my pants, for reasons that were still unknown to me. It was nice, though, having a guy friend whom I didn’t want to impregnate me. Of course, if I’d asked him, he might have been down for it.
Oh God. I am going crazy.
“What time do I need to have him there?”
“Six, if that’s okay? Brad said he’d meet me down at the barn, but I called and told him you’d be bringing Blayze today, and not me and Brock.”
“Sure, that’s perfect.”
“Great!” Lincoln said as she bent down and held out her arms for Blayze. “Now, you have fun tonight with Aunt Kaylee, and you mind your manners.”
“Yes, Mama, I will.”
I smiled as I watched the two of them. Brock had begged Lincoln for a night on their own. She was hesitant at first, but with Morgan being two months old now, she was more willing to spend a few hours away from her. I was keeping Blayze for the night, and Stella and Ty Senior had Morgan.
Always Enough Page 14
