by Nicci French
He took some convincing. After the call I looked around the room rather desperately. Strangers were going to be coming in and looking at this room. When I moved to London my aunt had given me a book on Household Hints and Handy Tips. It had advice on how to tidy if you've only got fifteen minutes. But what if you've only got one minute? I made my bed, straightened the rug by the door, rinsed my coffee mug and put it neatly upside down by the sink. I found a cardboard box in a cupboard and I tipped all the letters into it and stowed it under my bed. A minute and a half and I was late at the school. Again. Sweatily late and the day was only starting to get hot.
“So, my love, what can we do to make this more salable?”
Louise was standing at the window with a bottle of beer, brandishing a cigarette at Holloway Road.
“It's very simple,” I said. “Get rid of the road. Get rid of the pub next door and the kebab house next to that. Decorate. It's horrible, isn't it; everything about it. I hated it from the moment I owned it and even if it means losing money I've got to get out. I want to rent a small cozy flat with a garden or something. We're meant to be in the middle of a housing boom. There must be somebody mad out there.” I took a drag of my cigarette. “Granted, lots of mad people have already looked at this flat. I need the right kind of mad person.”
Louise laughed. She had come early to help me get things ready and to have a proper talk and basically because she's a good person.
“But I didn't come all the way here to talk about property. I want to know about this new man. Is he coming tonight?”
“They're all coming.”
“What do you mean all? Have you got more than one?”
I giggled.
“No. He goes round with this gang of boys. I think they've all known each other since primary school or something ridiculous. They're like those six-packs of beer. You know, not to be sold separately.”
Louise frowned.
“This isn't some sort of strange five-in-a-bed sex thing, is it? If so, I want to hear about it in detail.”
“No, they leave us alone some of the time.”
“How did you meet?”
I lit another cigarette.
“I met them all together. A few weeks ago I went to a party at a gallery over in Shoreditch. It was one of those typical disasters. The person I knew turned out not to be there. So I wandered from room to room holding a drink and pretending to be on my way to somewhere important. You know what I mean?”
“You're talking to the world champion,” said Louise.
“Anyway I went upstairs and there was a group of good-looking young men round a pinball machine, banging at it, shouting, laughing, having a better time than anyone else there. One of them—not Fred, as it happens—looked round and asked me if I wanted to play. So I did. We had a great time and the next evening I met them again in town.”
Louise looked thoughtful.
“So you faced the difficult choice of which one of them actually to go out with on a one-to-one basis?”
“It wasn't exactly like that,” I said. “The day after that Fred rang me at home and asked me out. I asked him if he had the permission of his gang, and he was a bit sheepish about that.” I leaned out the window a bit. “And here they are now.”
Louise peered out. They were some way down the road and hadn't noticed us.
“They look like nice boys,” she said primly.
“That's Fred in the middle carrying the large bag, the one with very light brown hair, almost blond.”
“So you grabbed the nicest-looking one.”
“The one in the very long coat, that's Duncan.”
“How can he wear it in this heat?”
“Apparently it makes him look like a gunman in some spaghetti western. He never takes it off. The other two are brothers. The Burnside brothers. The one in the glasses and the cap is Graham. The one with the long hair is Morris. Hi!” This last was yelled down at them.
They looked up, startled for a moment.
“We'd love to come up,” Duncan shouted. “Unfortunately we've got to go to a party.”
“Shut up,” I said. “Here, catch.”
I dropped my bunch of keys and, with what I have to say was remarkable style, Graham took off his cap and caught the keys in it. They disappeared from view as they let themselves in.
“Quick,” said Louise. “We've got thirty seconds. Which one of them should I marry? Who's got the best prospects? You can leave out Fred for the moment.”
I thought for two seconds.
“Graham's working as a photographer's assistant.”
“Got it.”
“Duncan and Morris work together. They do all sorts of different stuff to do with computers. I don't understand it at all, but then I don't think I'm meant to. Duncan's the life and soul of any party; Morris is rather shy when you actually get him on his own.”
“They're the ones who're brothers, right?”
“No, that's Morris and Graham. Duncan has red hair. He looks completely different.”
“All right. So for the moment the computer people seem the better bet. Morris the shy brother and Duncan the talkative redhead.”
And then they were in the room, filling it. When I'd talked to them about this event they had been asking brashly what sort of women would be there and they had been noisy down on the street, but in my flat they went a bit quiet and polite as they were introduced to Louise. That was something I liked about them, in a way.
Fred came over and gave me a lingering kiss, which I couldn't help thinking was a public demonstration to everyone in the room. Was he showing affection or marking out territory? Then he produced something that looked like a brightly colored drape.
“I thought this would be helpful. It's to hang over the damp patch,” he said.
“Thanks, Fred.” I looked at it dubiously. It was a bit bright; its colors clashed. “But I think that surveyors are allowed to move bits of cloth out of the way to see what's behind them.”
“Let's get you to the surveyor stage first. Hang it up then.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Zoe says you're geniuses with computers,” Louise was saying to Duncan.
Morris, who was standing with us, blushed slightly, which was sweet.
“She'd think so,” Duncan said, pulling the ring top off a can of beer. “But she's got low standards. That's just because we showed her how to use her own computer.” He took a sip. “Admittedly that was an impressive achievement. It was like teaching a squirrel how to find nuts.”
“But squirrels are brilliant at finding nuts,” Morris objected.
“That's right,” Duncan said.
“But they're good already,” Morris persisted.
“That's right. Zoe is now as good with her computer as a squirrel is at finding nuts.”
“But you should have said it was like teaching a squirrel how to juggle.”
Duncan looked puzzled.
“But you can't teach squirrels how to juggle.”
I topped up Louise's drink.
“They can go on like this for hours,” I said. “It's a bonding thing. Something to do with having been on the playground together.”
I went off to get some crisps from the kitchen and Louise came with me. We could see the boys in the room.
“He's lovely-looking,” she said, nodding over at Fred. “What's he smoking? He looks very relaxed. Exotic.”
“He's got a hippie side to him. Relaxed is good, though.”
“Is it serious?”
I took a sip from her glass.
“I'll have to get back to you about that,” I said.
A few other people arrived. There was John, a nice teacher from our school, who had asked me out just a few days too late. And a couple of women I had met through Louise. It had turned into a real miniature celebration. After a couple of drinks I was starting to feel benevolent toward them, this new circle of people. All they had in common was me. A year ago I was lonely and lost and I hadn't me
t a single one of them, and now they were all coming to my so-called home on a Friday evening. Suddenly there was a chinking sound. Fred was rapping on a glass bottle with a fork.
“Silence, silence,” he said when there already was silence. “Unaccustomed as I am, et cetera. I'd just like to stand up and be counted and say that I like this flat and I'd like us all to raise our glasses and hope that we'll all be able to meet here again in six months' time and have another good evening.” There was a general raising of glasses and bottles. A flash went off in my face as Graham took a photograph. He was always doing that—you'd be chatting away to him and he'd suddenly lift up his camera and aim it at you, like a third eye. It could be quite disconcerting, as if all the time he was talking or listening to you, he was really in search of a good shot. “Also,” continued Fred, “it's also our anniversary.” There were starts of surprise all round, not least from me. “Yes,” he said, “it's nine days since Zoe and me first . . . erm . . .” There was a pause. “Er. . . met.” There were some suppressed laughs behind me from Duncan and Graham, but not from anybody else. I felt for a moment as if I were trapped at a rugby club dinner.
“Fred,” I said, but he held up a hand to stop me.
“Hang on,” he said. “It would be sad if such an evening were not marked in a solemn way but . . . what's this?” He said this last in a pathetically false tone of amazement as he bent down and rummaged behind my armchair. He pulled out a large parcel wrapped in brown paper. “Either this is another offering from one of Zoe's anonymous fans or else it must be a present.”
“Idiots,” I said, but in a nice way. It looked like a picture. I ripped off the paper and then saw what it was. “You bastards,” I said, laughing. It was an entire framed page of the Sun featuring the headline ME AND MY MELON and in smaller writing: HAVE-A-GO BLONDE ZAPS MUGGER.
“Speech,” said Louise through cupped hands. “Speech.”
“Well,” I began, before I was interrupted by the ring of the doorbell. “Wait,” I said. “One minute.”
I opened the door to find a man dressed in a brown corduroy suit and rubber boots.
“I've come to see the flat,” he said. “Is that all right?”
“Yes, yes,” I said eagerly. “Come on up.”
As I led him up the stairs, the talking of the guests became audible.
“You seem to be having a party,” he said.
“Yes,” I said. “It's my birthday.”
FOUR
The letters gradually fizzled out. The first flood turned into a trickle, then stopped altogether. For a little bit it had seemed funny. One time I took a bunch of them with me when I was meeting Fred and the guys. We sat at a table outside a bar in Soho, drank very cold beer and passed them among us, occasionally reading choice phrases aloud. Then while Morris and Duncan were conducting one of their impenetrable conversations, which involved them challenging each other to name the Seven Dwarfs or the Magnificent Seven or the Seven Deadly Sins, I talked more seriously about it with Graham and Fred.
“It's the thought of these people sitting all over Britain and writing eight-page letters to someone they don't know and looking up my name in the phone book and buying a stamp. Haven't they got better things to do with their lives?”
“No, they haven't,” said Fred. He put his hand on my knee. “You're a goddess. You and your melon. We all loved you before. Now you're a male fantasy. This powerful beautiful woman. We all want someone like that to walk up and down our bodies wearing high heels.” Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, his breath warm. “And you're all mine.”
“Stop it,” I said. “It's not funny.”
“Now you know what it's like to be a celebrity,” said Graham. “Enjoy it while you can.”
“Oh, for God's sake, is nobody going to give me any sympathy? Morris, what have you got to say on my behalf?”
“Yeah,” said Fred. “Tell us, Morris. What advice would you give to a beautiful woman about coping with the pressures of fame?”
And he leaned over and slapped Morris several times very gently on the cheek. Sometimes I was baffled by the boys, as if they were conducting rituals from a strange exotic culture I didn't understand. One of them would say or do something to another and I couldn't tell whether it was a joke or an insult or a joking insult. I didn't know whether the victim would laugh or flare up. For example, Fred never seemed to say anything nice to Morris, yet he sometimes talked of him as his best friend. There was a sudden silence and I felt a twist in my stomach. Morris blinked in the face of our attention and ran his fingers through his hair. I used to think he did it to show how impressively long and thick it was.
“Who can name ten films with letters in them?” he said.
“Morris!” I said furiously.
“Letter from an Unknown Woman,” said Graham.
“Letters from Three Women,” said Duncan.
“The Letter,” said Fred.
“This is too easy,” said Morris. “Ten films with letters in them that don't have ‘letter' in the title.”
“Like what?”
“Well . . . like Casablanca, for example.”
“There aren't letters in Casablanca.”
“There are.”
“There aren't.”
The serious conversation was over.
After that I stopped even reading them. Some I could recognize just by the writing on the envelope, so I didn't even bother to open them. Others I glanced at cursorily and chucked into the cardboard box with the rest. They weren't even funny anymore. A few were sad, a few obscene, and most were simply tedious.
If I wanted a reminder of the derangement around me I only needed to look out of the window, the frame of which was rotting, incidentally. Young men in beat-up cars, leaning on their horns, faces red with rage. Solitary old women with their baskets on wheels, stumbling through the crowds, muttering to themselves. The winos who sat in the doorway of the boarded-up shop a few doors down from me, smelling of piss and whiskey, with their unbuttoned trousers and their skewed leers.
Madness was coming through the door as well, in the shape of prospective buyers of the flat. There was one man, about fifty perhaps, very small with cauliflower ears and a dragging limp, who insisted on kneeling on the floor and knocking against the skirting boards, like a doctor checking a patient for a chest infection. I stood ineffectually beside him, wincing at the music pounding into the flat from the pub. Or the young woman, probably about my age, with dozens of silver studs around the rims of her ears in a bumpy ridge, who brought her three huge smelly dogs into the flat while she looked round. The thought of what the flat would be like after a week with them in residence made my stomach heave. There was hardly room for a person. One of them ate my vitamin tablets off the table and another lay by the front door, making horrible smells.
Most of the visitors stayed only a few minutes, just long enough not to seem rude, before beating a retreat. A few didn't mind being rude. Couples sometimes talked loudly to each other about what they thought.
Perhaps on superficial, casual acquaintance, Guy was more like a normal member of the human race. But due to his failure to sell my flat, we were becoming long-term associates. He was always smartly dressed in a variety of suits and colorful ties, some of which had cartoon characters on them. However hot the weather became, he didn't sweat. Or rather he sweated very discreetly. There would be just one single drop running down the side of his face. He smelled of shaving lotion and mouthwash. I would have assumed my flat had become a symbol of failure that he would have avoided. It wasn't as if it needed an expert guide. But he kept accompanying viewers, even at awkward times, in the evening or on weekends.
So maybe it should have been less of a surprise when, after a thin, anxious-looking woman had scuttled out, he looked me deep in the eyes and said:
“We must get together for a drink one evening, Zoe.”
I should have come up with some monumentally savage put-down reflecting the deep hatred I had for h
im and his fake tan and his infuriating euphemisms, but I couldn't think of anything, so instead I blurted out:
“I think we should lower the price.”
The man who had come to look round on the evening of my not-moving party returned with a tape measure, a notepad, and a camera. It was early evening and Fred was away on some strange regional TV assignment in the Yorkshire Dales, spending thirty-six hours transforming a large and overgrown garden for a program to be shown in about a year's time. He'd rung me from a pub, his voice thickened by alcohol and lust, and told me how he was imagining the things he would do to me when he returned. Not what I needed to hear: I was struggling with the literacy hour report on the computer. I was trying to produce a pie chart. It had seemed so easy when Duncan, or was it Morris, had done it. The sentence “A type 19 error has occurred” kept flashing on my screen. So I smoked and cursed while the man who might or might not buy my flat poked around. He measured floor space, pulled open cupboards, lifted up the tatty rug, lifted Fred's ghastly wall hanging and inspected the damp patch that seemed to be spreading in spite of the hot, dry weather, turned on the tap in the bathroom and stood for a minute or so watching the wretched splatter of water. When he went into the bedroom and I heard the sound of drawers being opened, I followed him.
“What are you doing?”
“Checking things out,” he replied, quite unconcerned, gazing into my jumble of knickers and bras and laddered tights.
I slammed the drawer shut and went into the kitchen. I was hungry but when I opened the fridge all I found there was one bag of ancient spring onions, one white roll with mold growing on it, an empty brown bag with a cherry pit in it, and a can of Coke. In the freezer compartment was a bag of prawns, probably well past their sell-by date, and a small bag of peas. So I drank the Coke, standing by the fridge, then returned to the computer and wrote: “We aim to produce not just competent readers, but interested readers. A carefully considered Whole School Curriculum Plan ensures that all pupils reinforce . . .” Oh fuck. This wasn't what I became a teacher for. Soon I'd be writing words like “satisfactory attainment levels” and “inputting.”
