Hopefully, those things hadn't gone completely rogue. I got the impression my Dendon buddy wasn't really in control of them during this little jaunt through Dendon's dead streets and underground pathways.
I gave Liz one more kiss.
“Ready to go kick some ass?” I said.
A wicked grin crossed her luscious lips.
“I am so ready to kick ass,” she said, “My foot is itching up a storm.”
“Okay, just don’t kill anyone, all right?”
She rolled her eyes. “I seriously wish you’d dial back the morals there, dear.”
“But then I wouldn’t be the darling snugglemuffin you love, would I?”
She groaned and let out an aggrieved sigh.
“Fine.”
I thought of making her do a pinky swear. But it would have been really awkward, cocooned as we were. Besides, she was going to do what she felt was right, regardless of what I said. And that was a good thing.
No King should ever believe his own solid gold bullplop.
“Shall we?” I said.
“About damned time.”
Cold air suddenly rushed in, washing over my bare, sweaty back. Liz’s golden armor pulled away from my naked body. Leaving me extremely chilly and feeling rather exposed as my bare derriere sat out in the open like the world’s pinkest set of squishy hills.
I was still lying on top of Liz.
I sprang up. The ground was icy on my bare feet.
Liz smoothly got to her feet like the golden goddess that she was. The shining gold armor sealed over her chest and face. She gave me one last wink before it did.
It was only then that I began to wonder where the heck we were.
The last thing I remembered was, of course, getting stabbed to death in the doorway to the golden room off the subway tunnels.
This was definitely not the same place.
The walls and ceiling were smooth and white. The floor was gray and metal. And also cluttered with a large amount of what looked like alien weapons and discarded armor.
The floor vibrated under my feet. Suddenly it tilted sharply to the left.
I almost lost my footing. But I steadied myself with a little Dendon magic.
I got the impression we were on a starship.
One that was involved in some serious evasive maneuvers.
I was about to extend my senses out to find out what else was going one when a quavering voice called out behind me.
“It’s not my fault.”
Sigh. T&T.
Slowly, I turned. Bit back an avalanche of curse words that threatened to spill out of my mouth at the sight of him.
You’re a different person now, Chris. You have to have patience with people.
Right. Patience.
“Sure you don’t want me to kill him?” Liz said.
T&T’s eyes widened in terror. He yanked up the alien rifle in his hand.
Stupidly, he fired the thing.
It was aimed right at me.
Damnit.
The blast of pulsed energy screamed toward me at umpity zillion miles an hour.
I raised my hand and caught the blast. Absorbed it. For a couple seconds, blue sparks ran over me.
I let out a small burp.
Liz was already in front of T&T. She ripped the rifle out of his hands and raised it to beat him to death with it.
“Wait,” I said, “Please.”
Liz said a few choice words, then bent the space rifle into an inappropriate shape. T&T's eyes went even wider, if that were possible.
“You ever point anything besides a finger at my man again,” Liz said, “And this, or some other phallic shaped object will deeply explore your lower intestinal tract.”
She leaned toward him. He went several shades of pale.
“Got it?” She said.
He nodded his head so vigorously I half expected it to fly off his neck.
That would have been kinda funny, actually.
Alas, it stayed on. So that meant I had to keep dealing with him.
I marched over to him, picking my way over alien rifles and guns and armor sized for tall, narrow beings. I stopped in front of his quivering self. Put my hands on my hips and gave him my sternest look.
“Dude,” I said, “Why am I naked? And why are you wearing my clothes?”
He gulped. His eyes darted from me to Liz and to the playfully bent up alien rifle that looked like a nightmare sex toy.
“Uh…”
I shook my finger at him. "No stories, Titus," I said, "Truth only. Liz is angry, and I'm feeling grumpy. I asked you a question, young man."
T&T’s knees knocked together so hard I almost thought someone was playing a really lousy drum set.
“I…uh…well…dude, you were dead,” he said, “Like, really dead. And I didn’t have any clothes. And…well, you didn’t seem like you were going to be needing them.”
I gave a heavy sigh. Shook my head sadly.
“And yet, here I am,” I said, “Alive and in need of clothing. Do you really expect me to save the galaxy naked? I’m a man who’s been robbed of his dignity. Whose corpse was defiled. Do you see my problem here?”
T&T wasn’t seeing the problem. Of course. He was much too self-involved.
My only hope was that he hadn’t soiled my pants.
“I need my damned clothes, dude,” I said, “Do you want to take them off yourself? Or do you want Liz to squeeze you out of them like toothpaste?”
It was rather impressive how quickly he stripped.
Seventy-Eight
Chris
The Don only had the Dendon ship for a couple hours or so, and already the tall, narrow corridors stank like rancid cat food.
These guys really needed to solve their personal hygiene problems. No wonder no one liked them.
Well, that and all the (literal) backstabbing and killing and conniving they did.
Stuff like that could get a person a reputation. Or an entire race a reputation.
That wasn’t something Liz and I could do anything about. The Don would have to work on it themselves. If they so chose.
In the meantime, we hurried up to the command deck of the poor, abused ship. The walls and floor groaned and flexed with each insane maneuver the pilot put the ship through. I didn’t have time to commune with the ship to see what the damage was.
Or what was chasing us.
I already had a pretty good idea of that.
Five of the burly Don soldiers tried to stop us.
Liz took care of them. She showed great restraint by not kicking their asses all the way up through their tentacled skulls.
They definitely had a lot of owies, though.
Someone had clued into our march up to the command deck. The door to the bridge was closed and locked. I reached out to make contact with the ship’s frame and unlock it.
Liz was faster though. She grabbed a couple handfuls of door and ripped it out of its frame.
Unnecessary, but I didn’t say anything. I got the sense she had a lot of frustration to exorcise.
She threw the crumpled door down the corridor. Barely missing T&T, who was slinking behind us like a hungry weasel. He’d covered at least some of his nakedness with a piece of Dendon armor. It was at least some protection for his nether regions.
He ducked and pressed himself against the wall. I glared at him and he went pale again.
But, I still didn’t have time to deal with him.
The ship underwent some stomach-churning rolling maneuver that made the lights flicker and sent a deep, metallic groan through the ship.
As a bonus, it bounced T&T off the walls, floor, and ceiling. So it wasn't all bad.
It didn’t bother Liz and I.
Liz strode through the freshly ripped open doorway.
And immediately caught a blast of pulsed energy.
Which bounced harmlessly off her.
So whoever was shooting pulled out a projectile weapon and started using that.
<
br /> I put a stop to that.
I captured the projectiles in a shield I extended around us. They slowed to a stop. Then I let them go.
The clatter of the bullets hitting the deck was quite satisfying. So was the look of barely restrained terror on the face of the burly Don soldier who shot at us.
Liz zipped over to him and ripped the weapons out of his hand. Then, for good measure, she ripped the jury-rigged armor off him. It all went with a clatter out the door and down the corridor.
Barely a second later, there was the big Don. Weaponless and stark naked. Liz stood with her hands on her hips, staring down at his…uh, equipment.
“What the hell?” She said.
I guess she hadn't been conscious to see the double-pronged pride of Don maledom.
“Is that way you guys are such dicks?” She said, “Or are you a mutant?”
The Don soldier didn’t have a reply. He was too busy staying very still.
“I think it’s standard issue for Don males,” I said.
She leaned her head to one side. “Huh. So I guess that means their females have matching sockets? Weird. Guess that would make them giant–”
“Let’s leave that for later,” I said, “More pressing things, right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
She pushed the naked Don aside.
Which revealed the cockpit and the two Dons in charge of this little rollercoaster ride.
Good old Captain Kawl Tejoh, and his First Mate, Commander Zek.
Captain Tejoh was hanging on to the flight chair for dear life. Zek was in the other seat, working the controls like his life depended on it.
Which, as I glanced at the screen, was pretty accurate.
The view screen gave a split view. In one window, a group of bronze objects streaked through the upper atmosphere of the ruddy arc of Dendon. In the other screen was a rapidly approaching ship.
Or, more accurately, we were approaching the other ship. Rapidly.
The other ship had the menacing look of a Don ship. Though longer and wider than Bey Jodo’s ship which we’d salvaged to get to Dendon. It also looked like something had put a hole in its ass.
Something like a giant space dick, perhaps.
I pointed at Captain Tejoh.
“Get him out of there,” I said, “Please.”
Liz strode over and grabbed Tejoh by the scruff of his neck and hauled his flabby ass out of the flight chair.
“How dare you touch my person!” Tejoh shouted, “I shall have you executed.”
Liz flipped him around. Tejoh was wearing a hodgepodge of Dendon armor, too.
She stripped it off him. Pieces of armor went clattering every which way. Within moments, Liz had him naked, too.
Tejo blustered some more, but Liz wasn’t listening.
“So it’s not a fluke,” she said, “This one is double donged, too.”
We really didn’t have time for this. I stepped over to the flight chair and sat myself down. I turned to Zek and gave him a big smile.
He looked back at me like I was some sort of atom bomb/dead skunk combination.
“How about I take over from here?” I said.
Before he could reply, I put my hands on the control console.
Instantly, my consciousness flowed into the ship. The ship started bleating at me about all its various injuries and abused parts. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time to deal with them at the moment. I gently pushed them aside and pulled up a raft of sensor data.
I immediately saw what Zek was trying to do. He was going to use his buddies and the Don ship as bait, hoping the bronzy murder worms would attack his old ship while he zipped away in his shiny new ship.
Which he was treating like a rental car with full insurance.
These Dons really had issues.
I was having a few issues, too.
“Okay, first of all, let’s not kill your coworkers,” I said, “That’s always bad. Just don’t do that.”
I disabled the controls on Zek’s side of the console. Then I changed the ship’s course and threw it into rapid deceleration. The ship’s frame groaned, but held. The Dendon built well.
They were nothing if not master craftsmen.
Maybe not as morally advanced as everyone thought they were, though.
Not that I could claim to be from a morally advanced race.
“What are you doing Earth creature!” Zek shouted, “You’ll kill us all!”
I sighed. “Seriously, for the last fricking time, my name is Chris,” I said, “How would you like if I called you Don Creature all the time?”
Zek gave me a blank look.
Manners and politeness didn’t seem to be a Don thing.
I really didn’t have the time to explain civilized behavior to him. The metal murder worms were closing in fast.
I flipped the Dendon ship around and brought it alongside the Don ship.
A communications window popped up in one corner of the screen. It held a pale Don with limp looking tentacles. In the background were other glum looking Dons, sitting at what looked to be control stations.
“This is Captain Tak of the Don battle cruiser, The Hojan’s Murder,” the Don said.
Oh, great. I prepared for more war bluster from yet another violence lusting Don.
“We unconditionally surrender,” Captain Tak said, “Please spare our lives. Our weapons have been neutralized. We are ready for boarding at your convenience.”
Well. I hadn’t expected that.
“TAK! You cowardly piece of montga shit!”
Captain Tejoh struggled in Liz’s grip.
What the heck was a montga?
An image flashed in my mind of a squat, wide creature with stripes of orange bristles running down its back. And suddenly I knew that it was a timid, yet poisonous mammal native to HeJovia. It was widely derided by the Dons for its supposed cowardice. Though its poison was collected and made into a powerful intoxicant by the Don.
Because of course it was.
All this information flashed through my mind in a fraction of a second.
I was going to have be careful about when I wondered about things from now on if my brain was suddenly an Encyclopedia Galactica.
I keyed the ship’s communicator to the Don ship.
“Okay, Captain Tak,” I said, “This is um, supreme overlord and righteous dude, Chris, in charge of this nifty ship here. We’ll get around to boarding you in a bit, okay. Got some things to take care of first.”
I closed the communicator window.
“Righteous dude?” Liz said.
I shrugged. “Am I not a righteous dude?”
I could almost hear Liz rolling her eyes behind the mask of her golden armor.
“Sometimes you’re an ass, too.”
“I make no apologies,” I said, “Same as you.”
Which got a laugh out of her.
I looked over at Zek who was staring at me with a mixture of horror and fury. I got the sense he was contemplating attacking me, but hadn’t quite found his courage yet.
“Go ahead,” I told him, “Try something. I dare you.”
I lifted my hand and snapped my fingers. Little lightning bolts shot out where thumb met finger. Zek's eyes got so wide, I could see whites around his orangish-yellow iris/pupil things. I almost wondered about how Don eyes worked without a distinct pupil, but I shoved the thought aside before I got another mini-lecture in my mind about alien eyeballs.
Zek shrank back in the flight couch. The fight seemed to deflate out of him.
“Uh, Chris,” Liz said, “Those worm things are doing something.”
I turned my attention back to the screen.
Yes, indeed they were.
Finally.
Seventy-Nine
Chris
I lay back on the flight couch of the Dendon ship the Don had appropriated. The natural, somewhat spicy scent of the ship was tempered with the rancid cat food stench of the Don. Especially from the Don sitting on
the flight couch adjacent to me.
I realized the flight couch wasn’t fitting so well. I took a moment away from the menace on the view screen in front of me to track down the couch controls. Seconds later, the couch silently adjusted itself to my shorter, wider human frame.
The Dendon people had been naturally tall and skinny. Probably one reason why all the other races had been jealous of them.
“What are they doing?” Liz said.
She stood behind us in her golden armor, keeping watch on a very naked Captain Tejoh and one of his crew. Also naked.
In my glance back, I noticed T&T had slinked onto the command deck. He wasn’t any more of a threat than the two naked Don’s
No, the threat was assembling itself out in space, out ahead of where the Don battlecruiser The Hojan's Murder and the Dendon ship we occupied were parked.
I watched the bronze colored murder worms come together on the screen in front of me.
The thick, long murder worm that originally attacked us formed the center. Two smaller murder worms attached themselves at the lower end of the big one.
I suddenly remembered the two small murder worms in the cargo hold.
“Crap!”
With my hands on the console, I was connected to the entire ship. Instantly I took a look through the cargo hold’s cameras.
The little murder worms were active. Jumping up and down on stubby little legs.
“Holy shit!” One exclaimed.
“Holy shit!” the other exclaimed.
Sigh. They had spent time around T&T.
Then the stubby legs folded into the little murder worm’s body. They levitated off the floor.
Uh oh.
I made a snap decision and opened the exterior hold door. The sudden decompression yanked the murder worms–along with all the Dendon weapons–out of the hold. Just as quickly, I closed the door.
Through exterior cameras, I watched the little murder worms orientate themselves. Then they streaked off toward their bigger brethren. They attached themselves to the upper end of the central murder worm.
The other bronze murder worms zoomed in and joined the assembly.
Another bronzed worm attached at the end by the bigger worms. Yet another worm attached itself to the space between the smaller worms up front.
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