by John Bowers
“Dad…”
He faltered. This was even harder than he had anticipated.
“What is it, son?”
“Dad…I love you and I don’t want to hurt you…”
“Okay.” Walker leaned forward. “What is it, Nick? Are you gay?”
Nick’s eyes bugged wide as he stared at his dad. His dad’s worst nightmare! He almost burst out laughing.
“No. I’m not gay.”
“Well…if you were, and that’s what you wanted to tell me, you should know that it doesn’t make any difference. You’re still my son and I will always love you.”
Nick nodded. His dad’s words, though well-intentioned, only made him feel worse.
“It’s nothing that simple.”
“Well, okay, but can you tell me what it is? I smell enchiladas cooking and they won’t wait forever.”
“Dad, I’m quitting church.”
There. It was out. That was the flash, the nuclear fission. Now for the blast wave and the inevitable fallout.
The room was silent for ten or twelve seconds. His dad stared at him in shock, his face slowly burning red. It took him a moment to voice his reaction.
“Quitting church? What does that mean?”
“It means I’m quitting church.”
“Nick…you can’t quit church! You can’t!”
“What do you mean I can’t? Why not?”
“Well…because…”
“Because I’m a preacher’s kid and it would create a scandal for you in the congregation. Is that it?”
“No. Well, yes, but—”
“Dad, all my life you’ve told me that God gave us free will, to make our own decisions.”
“Of course he did, but he also said ‘choose life’.”
“I’ve made my decision. I’m not going back. I’m sorry if that puts you in a bad light.”
“Don’t—don’t worry about that part. I’m more concerned about you. Where did this come from all of a sudden?”
“It isn’t sudden. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.”
“But why? Aren’t you happy there? You’ve always been real popular with the parishioners.”
“Of course I’m popular! I’m your son. People have to like me, even if they don’t want to.”
“Oh, that’s just ridiculous.”
“Okay, fine. The truth is that I’ve had questions for a long time that no one could answer, so I’ve been reading up. Studying.”
“Studying what? Atheist rants against the Bible?”
“No. Comparative religion. The history of religion, and not just Christianity, but all major religions.”
“Written by nonbelievers!”
“Written by independent thinkers who have no stake in the game.”
“I hope you don’t believe that. Everyone always has a stake in the game, whatever the game is. People don’t write books without something to gain.”
“What I meant was that the stuff I’ve been reading makes sense to me. It answers a lot of the questions I’ve been having, and I can’t ignore it.”
“What kind of questions? Why didn’t you come to me?”
“Because I knew what you’d say. For you, the Bible is the final authority for everything.”
“Of course it is! Our faith is based on the Bible. Why wouldn’t it be the final authority?”
Nick rubbed both hands over his face, wishing he had never broached the subject. How could he explain this?
“I can’t explain it, Dad, at least not easily. But I can’t just accept things without some kind of proof. Everybody talks about faith as if that’s a good thing, but to me it just seems like a convenient way to believe whatever you want without any evidence to back it up.”
The Rev. Joe Walker stared at his son with a troubled expression. The conversation had clearly blindsided him.
“That’s the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever heard.”
Nick clamped his bottom lip between his teeth.
“Okay, forget I brought it up. We don’t have to talk about it anymore, but I’m not going back to church. At least not for a while.”
Walker leaned forward.
“No, we are going to talk about it! You can’t just walk away from a lifetime of teaching without an explanation.”
“What’s the point, Dad? Anything I have to say, you’ll just say it’s the dumbest thing you ever heard.”
Walker frowned, then nodded.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. If it’s real to you, then it’s real enough, but I don’t pretend to understand it. Can you explain it to me?”
“I don’t know…”
“I need to understand, Nick. I need to.”
Nick stared at him for a long moment, then nodded slowly.
“Okay, I’ll tell you. But you aren’t going to like it.”
Chapter 7
Wednesday, 16 May, 0435 (CC)
Lt Danby’s Bunker, Firebase Oscar – Camarrel, Alpha Centauri 2
Nick took another deep breath. He was liking this conversation less with every minute it continued.
“I’ve always been interested in history, started reading on my own in the fifth grade. I especially enjoyed military history, reading about all the wars in ancient times, and that led me into a study of religion.”
Danby frowned. “How’s that? Why would one lead to the other?”
“Some of the bloodiest wars on Terra were fought over religion. The Bible is filled with them, and then later you had the Roman persecution of Christians, the Crusades, the Catholic persecution of native Americans, the Protestant-Catholic wars in Ireland, the Jewish-Muslim wars, the Armenian and Jewish genocides, the various Gulf wars…it goes on and on, including this rebellion. I began to wonder how, if everyone worships the same God, no matter what they call him—why do they feel compelled to kill each other?”
“And what did you determine?”
“I figured if God is real, and the Bible is his word—which is what I was taught—then something is terribly wrong. A truly loving God would put an end to the fighting, but he hasn’t done that.”
“You told your father this?”
“I did. He didn’t see it.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Frustrated. Alone.”
“Did you share your thoughts with your mother?”
“Not directly. But she was aware of the conflict between me and Dad.”
“Did your relationship with your dad change after that?”
“Of course it did. I still loved him, but it wasn’t very satisfying anymore. There’s something about disappointing your parents that really hurts, even when you don’t want to disappoint them.”
“You couldn’t help feeling the way you did.”
“Exactly. My research taught me a lot of things that I never knew before, or would never have thought of. I certainly hadn’t been taught it growing up.”
Danby stared at him a moment, then put the pencil down.
“Okay, Private, I think that covers the main part of our interview. I would like to follow up on this at a later time, but for the moment I think we’re done.”
“Thank you, sir. Can I return to Echo Company now?”
Danby shook his head.
“You seem to have things under control, but I think you’re still a little bit in shock. I want you to remain here tonight. Tomorrow morning we will speak again.”
“Lieutenant—”
“I’m sorry, Private, but that’s my order. Sometimes we function well in daylight, but the demons come out at night. You may or may not experience that, but I don’t want you in the field if it happens. We’ll talk again tomorrow. You will tell me honestly what happens in your head tonight. If I like what I hear, I will clear you to return to duty.”
Danby stood up and offered his hand. Nick stood up and took it.
“Report to the aid bunker. They aren’t busy now and I’ve instructed the staff to give you a private space. You will spend the night ther
e and report back here at 0700.”
Nick grimaced, but there was nothing he could do about it.
“Aye-aye, sir.”
“Dismissed.”
*
After leaving Lt. Danby, Nick returned to the communications bunker and inquired about the video his sister had sent a day or two earlier. A corporal located it for him and he sat before a terminal to watch it. The video ran twelve minutes and Gloria had sent it before her father’s death; at that point it was uncertain whether Joe Walker would survive, and Gloria was still hopeful. After giving him details about the stroke, she added a few more details about things at home, but Nick hardly cared about those.
He watched the vid a second time just to hear his sister’s voice, then walked out of the bunker with his emotions pretty much frozen. He had always known his parents wouldn’t live forever, but their passing was always “someday”, an indeterminate date in the future that could be ignored until it approached. Now “someday” had come for his father, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time.
But no time was ever the right time for bad news.
Still carrying his rifle and field pack, he asked directions and walked across the firebase to the aid bunker. From the outside it looked very much like every other bunker in sight except for a short pole above the entrance that sported a white flag bearing a red cross. He descended the steps to the interior and found himself in a wide room containing high-tech medical equipment. Two rows of hospital beds lined the room. Doors at each end led to various departments, including emergency treatment, radiology, a medical laboratory, and a surgery.
Nick stopped and looked around in confusion, not sure where he was supposed to go. A severe looking nurse spotted him and approached; she looked about his own age and wore a sergeant’s chevrons. Medical insignia adorned her collar and her dark hair was pulled tightly back and pinned into a bun. Her eyes mirrored concern as she spoke to him.
“Can I help you, Private?”
“I hope so, Sergeant. Lieutenant Danby sent me over. He said he left orders for me to spend the night here.”
“Are you Private Walker?”
“Yes.”
She laid a hand on his shoulder.
“Lieutenant Danby told me about your situation. Are you all right?”
“I don’t know. Actually, I’d rather be with my platoon, but…”
“I understand. Moments like this can be difficult. Come on, I’ll show you your rack.”
She led the way down the long corridor between the beds, then turned right down another corridor. Nick was surprised to learn that the aid bunker was so big—from the outside it hadn’t seemed so. The sergeant showed him a bunk at the far end of the second corridor, as far removed from the rest of the facility as possible. The corridor was dimly lighted and no one was present.
“We’ve never had to use this area,” she told him, “but it’s here in case the casualty load gets too high. No one comes down here very often, so you should be able to have some peace and quiet.”
I don’t need peace and quiet. I need my platoon.
“Thank you.”
“You are free to come and go as you please, but the chaplain was very specific that you are to spend the night here. If you need anything, my name is Sergeant Morris. I’m on duty until 1800, but before I leave I will introduce you to my relief.
“There is a shower in the head if you need it and the mess hall is open until 2400.”
“Thank you.”
She stood there a moment, as if trying to think of anything else he might need to know. Finally she took a step back.
“Okay. I have to get back, but don’t hesitate to call me.”
Nick nodded again and she retreated. He waited until she was gone, then set down his field pack and unslung his rifle. The narrow bunk was not a hospital bed, thankfully, and he dropped his helmet on the foot of it. He stood there a moment, uncertain what to do next. It was midafternoon, much too soon for sleep; he felt restless, he needed action, yet strangely, his emotions were locked up. He had no desire to see or speak to anyone, so maybe joining his platoon wasn’t such a good idea after all.
He stood there a moment, then sat down on the bunk, rested his elbows on his knees with his face in his hands. He was grateful that the corridor was dim, almost dark. It was cool here, and quiet. A good place to think, only he didn’t want to think very much. Thinking was painful and only increased his sense of guilt. It was going to be a long afternoon and an even longer night.
He closed his eyes and tried to keep his breathing steady, but after a few minutes the emotion welled up and the tears came. He fought against a sob but lost the battle. He knew his dad would have advised him to pray, to turn his pain over to God, but that was not an option at the moment. Before he could do that he had to sort out his doubts about religion, and this was neither the time nor the place for that.
Dad! I’m so sorry. I love you. Why did we have to argue so much?
Two Years Earlier
Saturday, 15 January, 0433 (CC)
The Walker Home – Chowchilla, CentCal – North America - Terra
Nick was seated at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, deep in conversation with his mother and sister. Gloria’s eyes held a look of wonder, almost excitement; his mother, Mercedes, appeared a little less enthusiastic, but had supported his decisions from the day he quit attending church. They were talking quietly in Spanic when Nick heard his dad’s hovercar settle down on the backyard apron.
“Oh, God,” he murmured. “Dad’s home.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Gloria told him. “Dad isn’t going to stop you.”
“He’s going to try.”
“You’re eighteen, Nick. Legally, he can’t do a thing.”
Before Nick could reply, the back door slid open and his father stepped through. Joseph Walker looked a little older than he had the day Nick told him he was giving up religion—a little older, a little thinner, a little more weary. Nick felt a pang of affection mixed with resentment as his father walked through the door.
“Hey, everyone,” Walker said with a small grin. “This is unusual. Some kind of summit?”
Nick managed a grin, but didn’t reply. He wasn’t sure just how to break the news.
His sister beat him to it.
“Nick joined the Star Marines!” she exclaimed. “Isn’t that exciting?”
For a very long moment an empty silence filled the room. Joseph Walker stared at Nick; his family stared back at him. Arrested by the announcement, he had momentarily frozen in place; now he laid his briefcase on the table and pulled out a chair. To Nick it looked as though his dad needed to sit—badly.
“Star Marines.”
“Yes, sir.”
“When do you leave?”
“Monday. I have to be at Camp Pendleton Tuesday morning.”
Walker sighed, looking as if he’d just received news that a family member had a terminal illness. He stared at the floor for a moment.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“Yes, sir. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Things are happening on Alpha Centauri. They have some kind of uprising going on there.”
“Uprisings happen all the time, Dad. They happen everywhere.”
“This is the worst one I’ve heard of in my lifetime. Sounds like some rebel group wants to take over the entire planet. I won’t be surprised if the Federation ends up sending troops.”
Nick shrugged. “I’m not going to worry about that until it happens. If it happens.”
Walker nodded.
“May I ask why you chose a military career?”
“Not a career, Dad. Just an enlistment. I’ll probably get out in four years.”
“Well, I like the sound of that, but—why enlist in the first place?”
“I want to—” Nick stopped himself. He had almost said, “I want to get out of here”, but that would crush the old man. He rephrased with hardly a beat. “I want to travel, see o
ther planets. Expand my horizons.”
“I think your horizons are just fine. The last time you expanded them…” Walker stopped and shook his head. “Sorry. Old habits die hard, I guess.”
Nick chewed his lip and stared out the window. The resentment began creeping back.
“Nick, there are a lot of ways to travel. You could work for a merchant spacer, for example, or a passenger service. You could become a missionary…” Walker stopped again. He was treading old ground, which they had covered repeatedly for three years. He sighed. “I hate to see you join the military. It’s dangerous.”
“It’s also necessary.”
“It used to be, but we haven’t had a major war in over a century, so I’m not sure how relevant it still is.”
“Dad, you said yourself that Alpha Centauri might turn critical. That should answer your question.”
“Yes, but the Star Marines already have all the men they need. Why do they need you, too?”
“Turnover. Men sign up, other men muster out. Just like it always was throughout history.”
“I know that, but…why do they need you?”
“Maybe they don’t. Maybe I need them.”
“You understand that you could get killed, don’t you? Even without a war, men die in training all the time.”
“I know.”
“And if you should get into a battle, then you might have to kill someone else. Are you okay with that?”
“No, but if it becomes necessary, I’ll do whatever I have to.”
It wasn’t the answer Walker wanted to hear, but he had learned years earlier that his son had a mind of his own. He looked at his wife.
“What about you, Mercy? Are you okay with this?”
Nick’s mother, Mercedes, was a small, petite woman with dark skin and coal-black hair. She was a native of Mexico Territory, but spoke English with only a slight accent.
“I don’ want him to go either, Joe, but it is his decision. We both know that.”
“I just asked if you’re okay with it.”
She stared at Walker, then glanced at Nick and nodded.
“Yes. I am okay with it.”
Sixteen year-old Gloria, dark and beautiful like her mother, was almost bursting with pride.
“Have you seen their uniforms, Daddy? They’re gorgeous! And sexy!”
