by Lisa De Jong
He’s my everything.
“I love all the kinky shit we’ve done since yesterday afternoon, but this,” he tightens his grip around my waist, “Is what it’s all about, babe. My girl in my arms. That’s heaven to me.”
We lie there in each other’s arms staring at the ceiling, perfectly content to be surrounded by silence. Yes, Ben is right. This is heaven. My perfect kind of heaven.
I let go of his embrace and sit down with my back against the headboard. Rearranging his body, I move his head to lie on my lap. In this position, I can play with his dark curls and admire him.
My beautiful boy.
Smiling, I look into Ben’s eyes, and I discover what the secret to life is.
Love.
It reveals itself within his gaze, it echoes with his touch, and it etches itself with every kiss to my soul.
“What are the plans for today, woman?” he asks, lifting his hand to play with my loose hair. I’m letting it grow since he seems to like it better this way.
“I’m not sure. Whatever you want to do. It’s so odd having all this freedom and not having my dad breathing down on our necks, right?”
A smug smile touches his lips. “Mmhhmm, but you’re all mine now. And, thank God for that. For a moment, I was pretty sure your dad was going to change his mind. I don’t know. Make up an imaginary illness so you had to stay home and take care of him. Babe. I’m twenty six years old. I’m busting my ass working at the law firm so we can have a real future together without the help of my parents, and your dad still managed to make me feel like scum by wanting to have my girl living with me as if all I wanted to do was have sex with you and nothing else.”
I begin to laugh. That’s all we’ve done since my last box made it into his apartment.
Ben laughs. “Don’t say it! I know, I know. But—”
“But what? Please tell me. I need to hear this,” I tease him, nudging him in his stomach.
“Well, I’m pretty damn sure we managed to squeeze in a word here and there.”
“Oh, yes. Totally.” In a manly voice, I repeat his greeting, “Babe, how about you slip into something more comfortable say, like, me? Those were the first words you said to me as soon as I walked in. Is that having a conversation? Because you weren’t even done putting my box down before I was thrown over your shoulder and on my way to your bedroom.”
Ben smirks. “Our bedroom. And I think we had quite an awesome conversation in my bed. I remember hearing you say, harder, please, God, yes…”
I smack him on the shoulder as I feel a blush covering every surface of my skin. His words bring back memories of last night and this morning.
“Oh, God…baby…don’t stop! Don’t! Yes! Yes!” He keeps teasing me. Giving up, Ben and I burst out laughing so hard until we have tears in our eyes and it’s hard to breathe.
When we stop, I grab his face in my hands, lean down, and kiss him. I try to demonstrate to him with my tongue, my lips, my hands, my body, how much he means to me. He’s the everything to my nothing.
“I love you so much,” I whisper against his lips.
Ben groans, “Say it again.”
“I love you.”
“Again.”
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” I say, giggling.
“Man, it’s like fucking music to my ears every time you say that.”
Ben’s hands begin to pull my boy shorts down, but I stop him. I stare at him for a moment, taking him in. This boy of mine is a force of nature. His energy revives me. He fills my life with all sorts of beautiful colors. He makes me so damn happy.
“Um, Ben?”
“Yes?” He sits up and begins to plant kisses on my neck.
“I-I thought we were going to do something today. You know, maybe go for a walk in the park?”
Ben stops kissing me and lies down on his back once more, but his fingers continue to caress the exposed contours of my body.
“You’re right. We need to leave the apartment and go food shopping. I’ve waited to go with you so you can pick whatever you like.”
“Aww, baby. That’s so sweet.”
“Yes. I’m sweet alright, want a taste?”
“Oh my God. Okay. I’m going to take a shower. Want to join me?” I ask. I kind of hope he does. Shower sex with Ben is a favorite of mine.
“You know I do, but you’re right. We need to get moving. And I need to call Julian, Micky and his girl, Megan to see if they want to join us for drinks tonight.”
“That sounds great.” I get off the bed and make my way to the shower. When I’m almost there, I turn to look at him once more.
Ben is biting his lip while he watches my body with such desire. Smirking, I shake my ass seductively as I make my way into the bathroom. I hear him groan, and I can’t stop myself from laughing out loud.
This is happiness.
****
There’s a pet shop two blocks away from Ben’s apartment and every time we walk past it I make him stop and wait for me until I’m done drooling over the cute kittens and puppies displayed in the window.
Today, however, it’s him who stops walking when we reach the shop.
Curious as to why he’s suddenly not moving, I ask, “What’s the matter, baby? Do you have a rock in your shoe?”
He shakes his head as I feel his hand tremble in mine.
“No. No rock in my shoe. Actually, I was thinking…um, would you like to go inside for once? Maybe we could get a turtle or a hamster? You know, our first pet?” he asks, his voice wobbly.
I let go of him and clasp my hands to my chest. “Yes! I would love to.”
I can’t believe he wants to adopt a pet with me. I don’t care if it’s a turtle or a bird, it will be our first pet together. It’s like we’re becoming a family, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To have a family of my own with him. To be a mother.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go inside then. Maybe we can get a cool snake or something?”
“No way. I’ll kill you. No snakes allowed in the apartment.”
Ben leans down and whispers in my ear, “Too late for that.”
“You’re such a horndog. Come on, let’s go. I want a cute hamster,” I say, shaking my head.
I laugh when I hear him mutter something about snakes and not complaining about it last night. Seriously, my boyfriend is such a sicko.
As soon as we walk into the store, I separate myself from Ben and begin browsing the aisles, admiring all the cute fish, birds, puppies, and everything in between.
I’m gushing over a very cute puppy when I feel the softest of scratches on my leg. I lower my gaze and notice a very cute kitten with a red ribbon tied around his neck staring at me. I get down on my knees to pick him up in my arms and make my way to the counter, thinking that it must have gotten out of her cage.
When I get there, I see Ben watching me carefully, almost as if he expects me to run out of the store with the cat in my arms.
Weird.
The owner also has an expectant look on his face.
“Hey, I found this cute little thing on the other side of the store. Here you go.”
And that’s when it happens. The moment I hand the kitten back to the owner, I see what I thought was a bell dangling from the ribbon sparkle like…oh.
Oh!
I swallow hard. “Um…what’s that?”
Ben removes the kitten from the owner’s grasp and steps away from the counter, coming to stand in front of me. Without saying anything, I watch him as he unties the red ribbon from the cat’s neck, sliding off one of the most beautiful rings I’ve ever seen in my life.
I hate crying, but at this moment I can’t do anything to stop the tears flowing from my eyes. When the ring is free from the ribbon, Ben takes my right hand in his and stares at me with loving eyes.
What? Wait a minute. He has the wrong hand!
“Um, Ben…I think you have the wrong hand,” I manage to whisper.
Ben looks do
wn, curses under his breath, lets go and takes my left one this time.
Much better.
He clears his throat. “Cathy, meeting you was chance, falling in love with you was destiny, and loving you is my reason to exist. I could tell you all the different ways I love you, but words are cheap. Instead, if you accept to be mine, if you let me be yours, I’ll show you for the rest of our lives how much you mean to me. Babe, I want to grow old with you. I want you to be the mother of our children, and I want you to be the last person I see before I take my last breath on this earth. I love you. Will you marry me and let my love for you make me the best man that I can be?”
“Y-yes. Yes. Yes!” I watch him as he slides the beautiful diamond ring all the way on. Not waiting for him to say anything else, I throw myself at him. I grab the back of his neck, pull him down towards me and kiss him hard on the lips.
When we break away, Ben cups my face in his hands, and stares at me. “That’s it, babe. You’re stuck with me and the kitten for life now,” he says huskily.
“The kitten is part of the deal?”
Ben nods as he smiles.
“Well, when you put it that way, there was really no need to ask.”
Laughing, Ben pulls me closer to his body and kisses the top of my head.
As we leave the pet shop, my gaze lands on Ben holding the kitten close to his chest. An easy smile adorns his handsome face while his long dark brown curls flutter in the air with the soft breeze blowing in the early afternoon.
I lower my eyes to stare at the huge diamond decorating my left hand. Apparently it’s an heirloom and very valuable, but Ben didn’t choose to give it to me for that purpose. His grandmother gave it to him before she passed away and told him to only give it to the woman who made him feel like he could conquer the world because that’s what true love does to you. It makes you feel invincible and capable of doing anything you set your mind to.
He told me I was that woman.
I look up into the sky and watch the sun shining brightly down on us. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but one thing I know for sure is that as long as he’s next to me, and as long as he’s part of my life, I will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
****
If only I had known that years later we would suffer three miscarriages within a year, and then nothing, I think I would have questioned my words.
But I was young and in love, and like his grandmother told him, I felt like I could conquer the world with his love.
I felt invincible.
If only I had known that it takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work, then maybe our story would be different.
If only.
Chapter 18
Present
Saturday was a blur.
Sunday was a blur.
Today is Monday, and it already feels like a blur.
Just another day.
Just another day.
Just another day like the day before.
I feel restless. I feel lacking. I feel half empty, half full.
Ben has been his perfect sweet self. He whispers the right words in my ear, kisses me at the right moments, and always holds me close.
So why do I feel like this?
Has the bubble been burst already?
I’m standing in front of the mirror getting ready for work, looking at my pretty reflection. I don’t recognize myself this morning. I can’t. Where has the magic gone? Where is the sparkle in my eyes?
I feel like my world has been infected with darkness. I have a loving husband, a beautiful home, financially stable...we even got our second chance at complete happiness with the small miracle growing inside me.
My life is good.
So why do I feel hollow?
Maybe it’s because in the short period of time that he was a part of my life, I discovered something that I didn’t know existed; something I didn’t know I could have. Something I may want?
I don’t know.
Without realizing it, Arsen wrapped me so tightly in a web spun by his sweet deceit that I don’t think I can break free even if I want to.
Green eyes stare back at me in the mirror. My eyes. The eyes of a stranger. I lift a hand to fix my hair, watching my reflection. The waves cascade down my shoulders as I run my fingers through the soft golden mass. Hair in place, I reach for my perfume, tilt my head to the side, and expose my neck for the mist to come. When my finger is on the pump ready to press down, I feel a familiar tug in my lower abdomen.
Oh, no…
Oh, no…
Not this time.
Not again.
Numb with fear, my hand automatically drops the perfume, letting it fall on the carpeted floor. I shut my eyes tightly and try to breathe in through my nose and exhale through my mouth as I attempt to calm myself down, but I can’t.
Just breathing hurts.
Fighting to escape the dark cloud of panic settling over me, I wait for the next blow of pain to come and hope that it never does even as despair begins to dig itself within my heart. I wait because there’s nothing else to do.
Again.
It hits me.
Still I watch my reflection and register that my eyes don’t look opaque anymore. They shimmer brightly. They shimmer with tears of sorrow, of grief, of what will never be. But this was never meant to be, was it?
Oh, God.
It was never meant to be.
I feel painful cramps strike me over and over again, each one more intense than the last. Each blow killing me softly. With nothing to do but wait for the inevitable to come, I wrap my arms tightly around my belly. I don’t want to move, afraid that it will make my baby leave my body sooner, faster.
I need to feel her inside me for just a little longer. I need to hold onto that small miracle for just…
Slowly, I lower myself to the floor and lean against the mirror. I close my legs as strongly as possible and pull them up against my chest, not allowing the baby to leave my body just yet. I wrap my legs in the illusionary safe cocoon of my arms as I start to rock back and forth, forbidding the truth sink in. My body is trembling, my hands are shaking, and I’m so afraid.
I’m so fucking afraid.
I can hear a broken voice mumble unintelligible words into my ear as I rock myself like a mad woman.
“Why me?”
“…body broken…”
“…not woman enough…”
I look around the room, realizing I’m alone. All alone.
The crazed voice I keep hearing is mine.
Minutes pass as I fight my body, pleading with it, pleading with God to let me keep my baby this time. Refusing to believe that life would be so cruel to tease me for a fourth time after such a long period of heartbreaking yearning and wishing just to take it all away once more. I continue to sway, oblivious to the world outside, when I feel a pain so intense in my lower back that it snaps me out of my mad daydream. The excruciating pain feels like someone took a heel and dug it in my lower back, twisting it mercilessly. As it passes, I’m left struggling to catch my breath.
When I feel something moist between my legs, I cautiously pull them apart to see bright red blood soaking my tan trousers. Death is spreading through my clothing like a disease.
It looks so red.
So vivid and bright.
It is exactly in this moment, when I’m looking at life slowly seeping out of me, that I willingly jump into the dark abyss of hopelessness. Misery welcomes me with its dead arms, despair freezing my heart.
A crazy urge comes over me. I need to feel the blood on my hands to know it’s real. Reaching to touch myself, I let my fingers linger there until they are covered with my blood. When I pull my hand away and raise it to my eyes so I can take a better look, I rub the red liquid between my fingers and let it stain my skin. My body trembling hard, fingers red, something inside me snaps, cutting loose. I grasp my head between my hands, close my eyes and scream.
Anguish, anger, and sa
dness are carried in that never-ending shriek.
“Cathy! What’s this? Oh, Cathy!” I hear Ben shout as he comes barreling through the door into our bedroom.
“Oh, Ben…please forgive…” Looking up from the floor, I can see Ben’s horrified expression. “Please forgive me.” My voice is hoarse from crying and having screamed so loud.
“I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t…I couldn’t keep our baby safe.”
I watch as Ben lowers himself to sit down next to me. He lifts me off the floor and sits me on his lap. I can feel the tremors running through his body, the way his arms wrap me so tightly in his warm embrace.
But I feel nothing.
I’m dead on the inside.
I’m cold.
“I couldn’t…”
“Oh, Cathy…please…” his voice is hoarse with pain.
“No. I couldn’t. It’s happening.” Swallowing hard, I continue, “It already has. It’s over.”
Everything is a blur as Ben stands up, holding me in his arms and takes me to the bed. He calls Dr. Pajaree, then lays down next to me, holding me in a powerful embrace and grieving with me for what was never going to be.
“Stay with me, Cathy. Stay with me,” he cries.
Chapter 19
Garbage.
I’m throwing everything away. I’m cleaning the attic. I’m getting rid of any item that reminds me of what I will never have, of what Ben and I will never have. Is it a cleanse or a purge?
Who cares.
I lift my hand to wipe the sweat off my forehead as I glance around the nearly empty room. I can almost begin to feel at peace. I don’t ever want to see another baby item in my house. I want all hellish reminders removed once and for all. I want an empty attic.
Just like me.
God made me a woman to punish me. I hate my body. I wish I could erase my memory. Maybe if I couldn’t remember one thing, it would stop hurting so much.
I’ve lost all hope.
Wishing...
Wishing...
Wishing...
My dreams and hopes are shattered.
Like my heart.
My body.
