by Lisa De Jong
I stop myself before I say words that I will regret. Letting her go, I sit up on the edge of the bed, turning away from her.
“You know what? Forget I said anything. Never mind. It doesn’t matter, right? We’re just having fun. Screwing on the down low when you’re not pretending to be Perfect Cathy, the wife of the mighty Benjamin Stanwood.”
“Arsen…” Her voice breaks.
“Nah. It’s okay, Cathy. I fucking get it. I get it. I’m your mid-life-fucking-crisis ten years too early. Instead of asking Ben to buy you a diamond necklace, you chose to fuck me. And why the hell not? Diamonds won’t make you scream and come as hard as you do when you’re riding my fucking cock.”
Grinding my teeth, my body shakes as I try to control my temper. I don’t want the venom brewing inside me to poison us beyond remedy, but I do want to hurt her. I want to break her, shatter her.
Quid pro quo, quid pro quo, bitch.
I’m breathing hard as I clench my hands into tight fists because if I don’t, I may tear the place apart. Christ, this hurts.
As I’m trying to get myself under control, I feel Catherine move and get off the bed. Maybe she’s had enough? Good riddance. I’m done. Closing my eyes, I bring my hand to the back of my neck and rub it. Soft, warm hands cover my knees.
“You don’t understand. You can’t. I-I don’t understand it either, but this thing between us was never supposed to be. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s wrong, so very wrong. I lo—”
Catherine checks herself. “What do you want me to say to you? What do you want me to do? You-you say pretty words, Arsen, but they don’t mean a thing. They are just empty words. You make love to me, you fuck me, you do everything you want to me, and I let you because I love it. I love being with you.”
She looks down at her hands, then meets my gaze once more. “You make me forget. You make me feel happy, you make me smile and giggle like a teenager…but what you don’t realize is that my marriage was exactly the same way before it got tough, before it started to hurt me, before every single miscarriage tore a bigger hole inside me.
“My marriage was not just good, Arsen. It was amazing. And it’s not Ben’s fault at all that I’m here lying naked with you. Ben is still the same man. It’s me who changed. It’s me who chose to cheat on my husband of six years. It’s me who chooses to answer your every call and drive myself here. No one is forcing me to take my clothes off and get on my knees in front of you…it’s me. It’s all me.”
“Catherine…”
“No. Let me finish. So what makes you think that you’re any different than me? Than Ben? What makes you think that you have what it takes? Do you want me to leave Ben and be with you? YOU are the one having fun, Arsen. So when you claim th-that I think you’re only my fuck toy and nothing else…I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I don’t know what you want from me.”
I look into her brilliant eyes and I lose it. I begin to beg like a fucking child.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. Just don’t go tonight. Stay with me…tell him that you’re spending the night at Amy’s. Don’t go back tonight.”
She shakes her head. “Are you even listening to me?” she protests, her voice rising. “No. You know that’s impossible. I can’t. I must go home. Ben is starting to suspect something is going on. I need to—”
“Leave and play the role of the fucking perfect wife, huh?” Anger replaces my need for her. I spit the words as if they are acid on my tongue.
“Yes,” she states simply.
“Let me ask you something. Do you play it at night too? When you leave my apartment after having been with me, do you go back to your perfect three million dollar home in the suburbs of Westchester and fuck your husband?”
I watch her blush as she lets go of my knees. Kneeling on the floor with only the sheet wrapped around her body, Catherine speaks. “That’s none of your business.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, it’s my business. You’re mine!” I shout, anger flowing through my veins, making me burn on the inside.
“No. I’m not. I’m Ben’s. I’m married to him. Not to you,” she speaks quietly to the floor.
“You know what? Fuck you!” My head is throbbing, and it feels like it’s ready to explode. Standing up, I try to get away from her as quickly as possible.
“No. No. No. Please, Arsen…don’t go,” she pleads desperately. I look down at her on the floor and see the pain expressed vividly on her face. Fuck. I can’t see her hurting like this and not do anything about it.
Sitting down on the floor, I pull her naked body next to mine. With her slight figure wrapped in my arms, the situation doesn’t seem as hopeless as it truly is. It doesn’t hurt as much either. When I feel like I can breathe once more, I listen to her speak as I rock us back and forth.
“Please, Arsen, don’t be upset. Let me think. Give me time to make sense of the mess I’ve made of everything. Please, understand that I can’t just up and leave Ben. I-I…he doesn’t deserve it. I need time to think, Arsen. I need time. Please don’t force my hand like that. Please, I beg you. I-I mean…does this even mean something to you? How do I know that you’re just not playing around?”
“What the fuck, Cathy? Does it feel like I’m playing around? Like I don’t give a shit? I’m at your constant beck and call!” I shout. After taking a deep breath and calming myself down, I continue, “Do you care for me? Do you care for me at all?”
The words are torn out of my chest.
Ripped from my soul.
“Yes. So much, Arsen. So much. B-But that doesn’t change one thing. Not one thing,” she repeats.
There are no tears shed, no blood spilled.
Nothing.
Just the truth between us. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much because there’s nothing I can do to change it. Nothing I can do to make her not love her husband and love me instead. Nothing I can do to make her leave him and take me instead.
Nothing.
I’m bleeding out for her.
The afternoon glow has disappeared from the room, and in its place a cold darkness has settled around us. As I rock our bodies, not sure who’s trying to comfort whom, something strikes me as pretty damn hilarious. Not fifteen minutes ago, I felt like I was in fucking nirvana. Laughing, falling in love, not feeling like such a failure for the first time in my life because of her.
And now this.
Yes.
I’m bleeding out.
Chapter 24
Cathy.
I told him.
I told him not to go there.
What am I supposed to do now?
I keep saying that I never thought this was going to become what it has.
But it has.
You cannot expect to play with fire and not get burned.
I did, and now I’m incinerated. The thing is I wanted to be.
I still do.
Every action has a consequence. It doesn’t matter if you try to run or hide. It eventually it catches up to you. Call it karma if you must, but said karma can totally kick you in the ass.
I wish I could make myself believe that I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was getting myself into, but I did. I was well aware the moment we kissed, and I asked him to bring me back to his apartment that there was no going back. I made a choice that night, and continue to do so every time I meet with Arsen behind Ben’s back, and every time I lie to Ben. I am responsible for every deceitful word I have uttered, and every dishonest action I have committed.
I am.
And now I have to face the music. I have to make a choice once again. And it doesn’t matter what choice I make. Which path I choose to follow. Either way, I will break my own heart. I will lose a part of myself.
But I think I already have.
I love two men.
And this time, the monster that I am, the one I’ve become, will bring someone else down with me. It’s the darkness in me, I tell you…it follows me everywhere I go, spreadin
g like spilled black ink on white paper.
I curl up in his arms; my head resting on his chest as I let the beat of his heart soothe me, filling me with bittersweet hope.
Can I really do it?
With the smell of sex around us, I look up and meet his fiery gaze and one thought becomes obvious; Arsen has to be in my life. I can’t let him go. I need him. I want him. He’s become a vital part of me. He’s the air I need to breathe.
And I think it’s time.
But can I?
I decide to take a shower before I head back home. Lifting my hand, I sniff the inside of my wrist. It’s smells like Arsen—a delicious mixture of cologne, sweat and the musky scent of sex. After a few minutes under the water, I give up any expectation that he’ll join me as he usually does. When I’m finished and dressed, I come out to an empty room. Arsen is nowhere to be seen. The bed still unmade with its silk sheets twisted to the left, looks bereft and cold.
With my Ferragamo slingbacks in one hand and my leather satchel in the other, I’m about to head to the kitchen in search of him, when an unsmiling Arsen walks into the room already showered and dressed. His wet blond hair is pulled back from his forehead, making his young face look harsh and older.
“Oh…you took a shower in the guest bathroom?” I ask clumsily. I don’t recognize the solemn man staring back at me.
“Yeah, I actually gotta jet. Alec called me while you were in the shower. He needs me to come over to his studio.”
“Oh. Okay. I guess I-I’ll call you.”
“Whatever you want. I’ll be around.” He shrugs his shoulder, his voice dismissive.
“Um…uh…about before,” I’m ready to tell him that I need a couple days to mull over my decision, but the flat look in his eyes freezes me on the spot.
“Dimples, forget I said anything. I thought about it while I was in the shower. It’s cool, this arrangement we have. I’m okay with it as long as you are.”
Flinching at the coldness in his voice, I watch him as he turns around and walks out of the room, leaving me all alone. Suddenly I feel very cold.
“Okay,” I whisper into the empty space.
****
As I’m driving back home, I decide I need to unload. I need to speak to someone about what feels like the biggest decision or mistake I’ll ever make in my entire life
Arsen. My chest tightens and my stomach feels funny just thinking about him. Something doesn’t sit well when I think of the way he looked at me before he left. I shake my head, dismissing the thought, and decide to call Amy. She’s the most open-minded person I know. And she’s been through it all. If anyone can listen to me without judging or playing devil’s advocate, it will be her. Pressing the hands free button, I say her name and wait for the system to connect the call.
“Oh my God. Is this Cathy Stanwood calling? I thought you fell off the face of the earth, my dear.”
I chuckle at the sarcasm in her voice. “Yes. It’s me. I need to speak to you, and according to my navigation system we have about forty minutes to talk before I get home.” I take a deep breath. “I’m cheating on Ben...with Arsen.”
“I knew it. I just knew it. I told you…that boy looked like he wanted to fuck the shit out of you every time you both were in the same room. I knew it was a matter of time before you finally gave in. I tol—”
“Stop it, Amy. I didn’t call you so you could tell me what you knew or thought about Arsen. It’s irrelevant. I’m calling you because…because I think I’m going to leave Ben.” I tighten my hands around the steering wheel when I say the words that I never thought would be possible.
“Cathy, are you sure? Listen. I know you called me because I’ve been there. Twice. But listen to me, girl. Listen to me carefully. My first husband was a pig who slept with his best friend’s wife and I will never regret leaving him. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. But Matt was a sweet and really nice guy. I was just at the wrong place in my life when I thought marrying him would save me. So when I realized it wasn’t going anywhere, I cheated on him. I cheated and served him with the divorce papers. And let me tell you, he’s my biggest regret. I miss him everyday, and not a day goes by where I haven’t regretted the way I ended things with him. He didn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t think Ben deserves my cheating on him with Arsen, but it’s too late. It’s already done a-and I don’t think I can stop. Not now.” Swallowing hard, I choke with my next words, “Arsen makes me feel alive, Amy. He makes me feel again. When I’m with him, I feel total freedom…I feel like my heart—”
“Let me stop you right there, babe, and call your bullshit. I don’t think your heart has anything to do with it. Truth of the matter is that you like it when a gorgeous twenty-four year old guy fucks your brains out. And I can’t say that I blame you. I’ve been there, done that—fucked the energizer bunny. So, please…let’s be honest here. You want to leave Ben, an amazing guy who kisses the ground you walk on because you are bored with married life and you would prefer to beca—”
I grind my teeth before I interrupt her. “You know what? I thought you were going to be the last person who was going to judge me. I didn’t call you so you could tell me everything I’ve done is wrong. I knew that, I still do. I wanted someone to listen to me, and maybe offer me some advice, instead of just saying that I’m cheating on my husband because I’m bored.”
“So tell me, Cathy. Tell me why you’re cheating? And, what’s the purpose of calling me when it appears you’ve already made up your mind? Did you expect me to say, Shucks! Life got tough, so it’s okay to cheat? You know, I used to be very jealous of you. So much so that it took a lot of work to be in the same room watching the way Ben looked at you, with so much love pouring out of his eyes and not hate you a little. So yes. I’m pissed. I haven’t heard from you since the baby, and then out of the blue you call me telling me that you’re thinking about leaving your husband?” She pauses, “Honey, I don’t know what you’re expecting from me, but I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. There. I’ve said it. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Shame makes heat run through my body. “You know what, Amy? You’re such a hypocrite. And you can go to hell. I-I know what I did is horrible—”
“Sucks to hear the truth, huh?”
“Ben doesn’t deserve it. Hell, I live with the man. I’m married to him. I know he’s the last person to ever deserve this kind of betrayal, but it happened and I haven’t been able to stop it. I can’t, do you hear me? I can’t. I don’t know why I called you. I’m sorry if my call pissed you off, but I never thought that you would judge me so harshly because you’ve been there. Sometimes these things just happen…” My voice breaks and I start crying.
Shit.
“Yes…but they are avoidable.”
“I can’t! I’m so sorry,” I sob.
After a few hesitant moments, Amy finally speaks. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. I’m just so angry. And the way you dismissed it as if it were not important because it was already done...” She groans into the speaker, “Forget about it. Let me give you one piece of advice and that’s all I’ll say because each marriage is different and people cheat for so many different reasons. Some people cheat because they can, because they know they won’t get caught, because of boredom or lust, because it’s their way to reach out, show that they need help—to ask for help. Whatever your reasons, before you end your marriage, make sure you’re aware that there’s no going back. No time machine that will let you undo your mistakes if you and Arsen don’t work out. And chances are, babe, that it won’t work out. It never does. Who knows? Maybe someone new, younger and prettier girl with perkier breasts will come along and Arsen will leave you for her. He’s young, Cathy. What makes you think he’s serious and not just playing around? That you’re not just the flavor of the week? Or the month?”
“I don’t know,” I sniffle, “All I know is that I can’t keep doing this to Ben. And I can’t stop seeing Arsen. I need him. So the
only choice left, the only solution really, is to leave Ben.”
“But what if—”
“And if things with Arsen don’t work out, well, at least Ben is free to find someone more deserving of him than me. I know it sounds like a pathetic excuse, but it’s true. I don’t deserve him anymore. At this point in my life, I want Arsen so much that I’m willing to throw everything away. Besides, I can’t keep lying to Ben...going to bed and let-letting him touch me after I’ve been with Arsen. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
Silent for a moment, I can almost picture Amy battling with herself. “Babe, do whatever you think is right. Just keep in mind that there’s no going back, love. That’s all. And if it backfires, you’ll be divorced and alone. Of course, I’ll be there for you, but…”
“I know. It won’t be the same.”
“Do you have feelings for the kid?”
“Yes, I do. Amy, I think I’m in love with him.”
“Girl! Oh my God. That is so not the answer I was expecting. I mean…are you sure it’s love and not lust mixed with like?
“I don’t know, Amy,” I sigh. “I think it’s love. It feels like love. It looks like love.”
“Just because it feels like love doesn’t mean it is. It could be infatuation, newness...but tell me, what about Ben? Do you not love him anymore? Don’t you care what this is going to do to him?”
“I care, I care a lot. That’s why I can’t keep doing this to him. I need to set him free, Amy. To let him go, even if in the process I break his heart…and mine. He’ll heal…we all do. I love him, but I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore.”
And I do. I love Ben. So much. But he doesn’t make my heart flutter. He doesn’t fill me with butterflies. Being with Ben doesn’t give me that high anymore…No. All those feelings have been transferred to him. To Arsen. So I guess that’s the answer to my own question.
After I ask Amy how she’s doing, we say goodbye and hang up. The streets of Manhattan long gone, I drive the remaining tree lined distance to my house in silence. Pulling up into the driveway, I notice that Ben’s black Maybach is missing. Wondering if he’s working late, I take my phone out and check for any missed calls or text messages. I only have one from earlier in the day, asking me if I wanted to take a trip down into the city and meet him for lunch. A text message I obviously ignored since I was too busy texting and waiting for Arsen to show up.
