by Lisa De Jong
I laugh as I remember walking to the maternity ward, pushing Nadia in the portable crib, and asking the nurses to teach me for the second time that day how to breastfeed her. After they warned me that I shouldn’t be walking, my nurse Lili, sat me in the rocking chair and taught me the procedure all over again as I promised that this was the last time.
All I can do is watch her, study her, learn her, and memorize her. Every single curve of her tiny body, her unique smell, the way her tiny hand wraps around my finger, the weight of her warm body in my arms. The way she’s imprinting herself on my skin and robbing me of my own heart.
My dad said she is mine, but I think it’s the other way around.
I’m hers.
Nothing else matters but her.
When I think she’s done feeding, I pull her away from my breast and begin my second attempt at burping her. The first time scared me so much that I paged the nurse to come watch me just to make sure I was doing it right. I was scared I was going to hurt her by patting her too hard.
After I manage to burp her once, I lay down with her on top of my naked chest. In the darkness of the room with only the moonlight illuminating us, and Nadia’s little head resting on top of my heart, I let my barriers down for the first time in a very long time. As I caress her small back, I allow myself to think about him.
When Dr. Pajaree put Nadia in my arms soon after she was born, the first thing I did was lift my eyes, expecting to see Ben sharing this joyous moment with me. The moment we had hoped and wished for so long, to finally have a child of our own. But he wasn’t there. He was gone. Instead, I met the nurse’s encouraging gaze.
I took that away.
I destroyed it.
So as I lie on a cold hospital bed with a miracle sleeping on my chest, I let myself cry. I allow myself to cry because I still love him so much.
Because I was right.
It was always him.
Not Arsen.
Not anyone.
My maple-brown eyed boy.
****
Three years later.
Do I have a headache?
How could I have a headache in my sleep?
What the hell is going on?
I open my eyes and a pair of emerald green eyes hover above me, watching me, blonde curly hair tickling my nose, banging my head with the small jade elephant I keep next to my nightstand.
So that was the “headache”.
“Momma, Momma! Wake up! Wake up!” she demands in her sweet voice.
She’s about to hit me with it once more when I grab her little hand in mine, removing the deadly weapon from her fist, and begin tickling her.
“What’s this, you little monkey! What are you doing in mommy’s room this early in the morning?”
Laughing because I’m tickling her under her armpits, she begins to kick her small legs. “Momma! Stop! Momma!” she protests between giggles.
When we both have tears in our eyes, I stop. The sight of her dimples peeking out as she laughs can still twist my heart with so much love. Her laughter is sweet music to my ears.
“I want juice, Mommy! I’m hungry!”
“Okay, okay, you monster.” I get up from the bed, grab my robe, and pick her up in my arms. It’s been three years since I first held her in my arms, and not a day goes by when the need to hold her close to me is not present, not a necessity. I think back to those early days when I didn’t care about anything other than Nadia. I ran my life around her schedule, and I was totally fine with it. I gladly gave it all up to be with her, not taking any of her smiles, her expressions, her kisses for granted.
Even on the days when the going gets tough, really tough, all I have to do is just think back to how much she’s changed my life. How my love for her has made me a better person, one that I’m not ashamed of. And I thank her for it every single day.
After I pour some cereal and milk in a bowl and place it in front of her, I sit down and watch her eat. The curls of platinum blonde hair are sticking out in all directions, making her look like a wild child. Leaning over her, I kiss the top of her head, and go to make some coffee.
“Mommy…” she says in between mouthfuls of cheerios.
“Yes, lil’ monkey?”
“I want a daddy.”
I stop short and put down the jar of coffee and the mug on the table. I turn around and kneel in front of her, taking her sticky hands in mine.
“W-what do you mean, Nadia? You want to see Papa?” I hope she’s asking about her grandfather, though deep down I know exactly what she means.
“Don’t be silly!” she laughs. “Papa is not a daddy. My friend Lucy told me her daddy took her to the Bronx Zoo tomorrow.” She grins as if I’m not getting the point. Oh, if only she knew how much I got it.
“You mean yesterday, and—”
“She told me her mommy picked her daddy before they picked her. Can we pick a daddy too, Mommy? Her daddy is nice! He gave me a lollipop, and he buys Lucy babies all the time.”
“Oh.”
Suddenly dizzy, I stand up and sit down on the chair. I knew this was eventually going to happen. Nadia was bound to notice that she only has a mommy and not a daddy.
I shake my head and scan the room, trying to come up with the best answer, the right answer, without making her feel bad.
“Nadia, we don’t need a daddy. We have each other, and Papa and Uncle Charles.”
“But I want a daddy. Lucy’s daddy is nice,” she protests, a pout beginning to form on her angelic face.
“Well…it’s more complicated than just going to a store and picking one, baby.” I touch my chest, “Our hearts choose who that person will be. And it takes time.”
“Your heart will pick a daddy for me?” I want to tell her that my heart picked one a long time ago and that my heart still belongs to him, but that’s a story I will tell her when she’s older. Not now.
“I hope so…”
I lie. I don’t want another man. I’m not ready to put myself out there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when my body hungers for the touch of a man, it’s his I want. When I’m rubbing myself, ready to climax, I picture his maple-brown eyes staring back at me as he makes love to me. And when my physical thirst has been quenched, it’s his warm embrace I need.
How could I allow myself to go on a date and potentially start seeing other men when emotionally I haven’t moved on? It’s not fair for either party involved, and if my past mistakes have taught me something, it’s that no one deserves that kind of treachery.
“Okay, Mommy!” Nadia agrees before returning to her breakfast, oblivious to how much her words have shaken me.
I stand up with trembling legs and go back to the counter, pouring myself a cup of coffee. I’m stirring some half and half in it when Nadia speaks once more.
“Mommy?”
I close my eyes, afraid of what she’s going to say next. “Yes, darling?”
“Are we going to the park after?”
Breathing a sigh of relief because she’s forgotten all about the daddy issue, I take a sip of coffee before answering her. “It’s later, and yes. Would you like me to call Aunt Amy and Uncle Charles to see if they want to meet us there?”
“Yes! Uncle Charles buys me toys!” she says, smiling.
When she’s done eating breakfast, I bathe her and put her clothes on for the day. After making sure she’s busy playing with her toys in her room, I make my way to my bedroom to take a shower. While I wait for the water to heat, I call Amy.
“Hi beautiful.” Amy’s voice sounds groggy with sleep.
“Hi! Do you have a moment? I need to speak to you.”
“Sure, babe.” I can hear Charles protesting on the other side of the line as Amy shushes him to be quiet. “Okay, tell me, love.”
“Um, Nadia informed me today that she wants a daddy.”
“Oh my God. The poor child. What did you tell her?”
“Well, once I was able to get my brain working I told her that it wasn�
�t that easy.”
“Oh, honey, I’ve been telling you for the past two years that it’s time for you to give someone else a chance. I mean, it’s time for you to move on and start living your life.”
“B-But I am living my life.”
“Cathy, really? Want me to call bullshit on that? You don’t have a life. Your life revolves around work and being a mom to Nadia. You won’t touch the very generous amount of money Ben gave you as part of the divorce, and you won’t let anyone but your Dad or me help you with her. The only time you ask for help is when you know you can’t bring that little munchkin along.”
“That’s not true. I went out with you the other night.”
“Because I had to drag you out of your self imposed prison. Tell me, what does Crystal say about this? Does she agree with the fact that you have no life? I mean, I’m sure she wouldn’t like that. There has to be a healthy balance, babe.”
“Well, I’ll get there. But never mind about that. What am I supposed to do with the daddy issue?”
“Go on a date,” she states. “Meet other men. Give other men a chance. Cathy, I know that Charles’ friend Hayes, the hot stockbroker, asked you out more than once, but you’ve shot him down every single time. He was really taken with you, you know?”
Groaning, I close my eyes. “Don’t even go there. That was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I’m thirty-three years old, and I have a daughter. I don’t have the luxury to date around just for fun.”
“How would you know? You won’t let anyone in; you won’t go on any dates…you are still pining after a man who has already moved on. I mean, Cathy, you saw the engagement announcement in the newspaper.”
I feel like the air has been knocked out of my lungs. “I know,” I whisper as a mixture of pain and jealousy surge over me aggressively like an avalanche.
“Ben has moved on, honey, and Arsen was in Europe the last time I heard. I think it’s time you did the same. Nadia is a precious little thing, and you’re a gorgeous woman. Let someone take care of you, love you. Let yourself love someone else, babe.”
“But I have Nadia,” I argue. Holding onto the past is a losing battle, but I don’t know that I’m ready to move on, yet I must. For Nadia.
And for myself.
“It’s not the same, babe, and you know it.”
“Okay,” I say, defeated.
“Okay what?”
“You’re right. It’s time for me to let go. Y-you can give Hayes a call, but I’m going to be honest with him, Amy, so don’t get your hopes up.”
I hear her groaning into the phone. “What are you going to tell him, you nut?”
“That I still love another man.”
“What? Why would you do such a thing?” she exclaims.
“Well, maybe he’d like to be my friend. I think that’s all I’m ready for anyway.”
Sometimes it gets lonely, sometimes a lot. Sometimes when I see couples walking and holding hands, I remember what I had. Sometimes I wish, and wish, and wish with all my heart to have it all back again, but I know all the wishing in the world won’t bring him back. So I remain quiet, never complain when it gets tough, never cry because I’m alone, and never blame anyone else but me.
Hanging up, I walk to the bathroom. It’s not until I’m standing in front of the sink that I look at myself in the mirror. Reflected in it, there’s a woman with vacant eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
I know that I must move on. Arsen is back to dating heiresses, and Ben is going to be married to Kerry soon. I need to let him go, let go of our memories together, of the past.
I have to move on.
Nadia deserves a family.
I wipe my tears away, hoping that I’m not making the biggest mistake by letting another man in my life because even after four years of thinking about them, it still hurts.
Especially for Ben.
****
I’m applying the last coat of lip-gloss on my lips when I hear a knock on my door. Instantly feeling a knot in my stomach, I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can. I put the lip-gloss away and move to open the door.
With my hand hovering over the handle, I take a deep breath as I try to calm my nerves. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. It’s just a date.
When I open the door, I see a man I have met only once before and his handsomeness can still take my breath away. I don’t think men should be allowed to be this handsome. It’s not fair. The black haired man with the silver eyes smiles kindly at me as he takes in my appearance, seemingly pleased with what he sees. When I feel myself blush, I break the uncomfortable silence first.
“Hi, Hayes. Would you like to come in for a drink, or should we go?” I ask.
“Hello, Cathy. May I first say how beautiful you look tonight? My memory does you injustice because I don’t remember you being this breathtaking.” His eyes twinkle as he speaks.
“Um, thank you.” Blushing, I think that maybe this was a great mistake. His comment makes me very uncomfortable. I’m so not ready for this. I’m about to go get my coat, escaping away from him, when Hayes speaks.
“I’m sorry. Too much, too soon?” He smiles ruefully, an apology written all over his face.
“Um, uh…” Sighing, I decide to be totally upfront with him. “Yes. I’m sorry, Hayes. I-I thought I was clear that this was more of a friendly thing. Um, if you’d like to leave, I’ll understand. I’m so sorry.”
“Yes, you were very clear, and no, I wouldn’t like to leave. It’s my fault, and it won’t happen again. It’s just…” Hayes looks at me warmly, “Never mind, Cathy. Would you like to go? We can have drinks at the restaurant bar?”
“Sure.” I’m relieved that he understands my position, so I begin to relax and let myself enjoy the night with a handsome man.
Two bottles of wine later and a dinner that flew by quickly, I’m standing outside my apartment door ready to say goodnight. The air surrounding us this time is more relaxed, the tension is gone. As I stare into the face of the man that made me laugh with anecdotes from his past relationships, his work, and just life, I think that I like him. I’d like to keep in touch with him, and maybe become real friends.
“Hayes, let’s try this one more time. Would you like to come in for a drink?” I say with laughter in my voice.
Hayes wavers for a second. “I would love to, Cathy. But I don’t think I should.”
I’m taken aback by his answer. “Why not?” I ask. Should I be hurt? I mean, it’s not like I want the guy to be attracted to me, but I most certainly didn’t expect that answer.
“Thing is,” he scratches the back of his neck, “I like you, Cathy. I really do. And it’s not like I’ve been pining for you after all this time, but after tonight I think I could possibly grow to like you a lot. However, you’re not ready.”
Hayes takes a step closer to me, making me want to take a step back. The proximity of his body isn’t welcome, not yet. He takes my hand in his and raises it to his lips, planting a kiss in my palm. “When you said that you weren’t ready, I didn’t believe you. Not completely. But after tonight, I think you’re right. You’re not ready. I wish you were because I feel this connection to you, and it’s such a shame. So If I go inside your apartment, I might not be able to hold myself back and do something very stupid that I will regret later on.”
“Oh.” I’m stunned with his honesty and the meaning of his words.
“Can I ask you something very personal?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s not really a question. It’s more a piece of advice. You’re obviously still very much in love with your ex-husband. Fight for him.”
I feel like cold water is being poured down on me.
“Um, what? I told you what happened. W-what makes you think...No. I couldn’t. He hates me.”
“I don’t know, Cathy. If I were him, even after everything that transpired between you two…”
“No, no. I can’t. It’s been four years, and he’s getting married. I�
��m not going to spoil things for him. I can’t.”
Tilting his head to the side and smiling apologetically at me, Hayes remains quiet for what seems an eternity. “Okay. I will let it go. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure, but it’s getting late and I must go.”
“Wait. W-will I see you again?”
“Whenever you want. I’m a call away.”
“Even if I just need to talk to you. You know, as a friend?”
“Especially as a friend,” he whispers in my ear.
After saying goodbye, I shut the door behind him and call my dad.
“Hello. That was a quick date.” There’s curiosity in his voice.
“Yes. It was a friendly date, Dad.”
“Pft. No man ever goes on a friendly date.”
“Well, trust me on that one, Dad. Do you want to hear something funny and pretty sad?”
“Yes.”
“He told me he didn’t want to come in for a drink because I’m obviously still hung up on my ex. It’s official. I’m pathetic.”
“Oh, baby girl.”
“It’s okay. I knew I wasn’t ready, but at least that’s out of the way.”
“But you still need to—”
“I know, but not yet. I will when I’m ready.”
My dad laughs into the phone. “Let’s just hope it’s not when you’re sixty, okay dear?”
“Ha ha ha, very funny. How’s Nadia? Was she a monster?”
“Sleeping like an angel.” My dad chuckles when he mentions the word angel.
We talk some more about my date and what Nadia had for dinner, then hang up.
Lying alone in my bed as I stare at the ceiling covered in the shadows of the night, my mind rehashes tonight’s events. How sweet Hayes turned out to be, how much fun it was to talk to him, and how much I like him, but how quiet my heart remained throughout the entire night. Not once did it skip a beat. Not once did butterflies attack my stomach. It was as pleasant and sweet as vanilla ice cream.
How I wish he could be my chocolate. Really. But in a way I’m relieved that nothing came of it because as crazy as it sounds, I don’t want to forget Ben. I don’t.
