by Lisa De Jong
“Come on in.”
My hand shakes as I turn the doorknob and push the door open.
“Hi,” I offer sheepishly. Typing, ever so fast on her keyboard, she swivels her chair around with a huge smile on her face, until she sees mine. A quiet, yet audible gasp escapes her as her smile fades and concern washes over her face.
“Hi. Take a seat.” Her voice is quiet and her posture has become more rigid. “Before I get into all the details about this internship, I have to ask you if you’re okay? Your face…”
I interrupt her. “Is bruised, I know. Am I okay? I don’t know. I’m all over the place. This is the first time I’ve left my house in damn near three weeks,” I mumble.
“I have to ask you this, so please don’t be offended. Did your boyfriend…” I scoff at her insinuation that Gabe would ever hurt me. He would never.
“No. He didn’t, and he’s not my boyfriend anymore. If you must know, all you have to do is read the newspaper or watch the news,” I interrupt her as my voice breaks.
Her eyes grow with my admission, and she inhales sharply. “Washington Park?”
I nod as tears blur my eyes. I hear her chair roll over to me, and a small, soft hand rests on top of mine.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, causing me to flinch.
“Don’t be sorry; it’s not your fault,” I whisper. “Just please tell me about this internship. Tell me something so that I stop thinking about all of this.” I wave my hand up and down my body from my face to my feet. Nodding, she pulls her hand away and rolls her chair back to her desk. Wiping my tears with the back of my hand, I listen intently as she describes what very well may be an escape from my miserable reality.
When I leave Janet’s office, my head is spinning with everything she just dumped on me: internship, North Carolina, guaranteed, leave in three weeks, school credit. I think I left her head spinning with everything I dumped on her as well. Before I left Janet’s office, she sat and cried with me, and listened to me, and reassured me. It was the first time in two weeks that I felt like talking to someone. Maybe I would come out of this on the other side not completely shattered. I have to decide in the next week if I’m going to take this internship in North Carolina, as they want me there on the first of May. I would be missing the last three weeks of school, but the internship counts as credit, and Janet has arranged for me to test out of the remainder of my classes should I decide to go. She claims it’s an opportunity too good to pass up.
North Carolina. I’ve never been there. Janet tells me it’s on the water and that it’s beautiful. I would be leaving everything I have ever known here in California, but then it’s not like I have anything here anymore. I’ve pushed Gabe, Ava, and everyone else away, and Dad has buried himself in work again. It’s actually an easy decision. I need to take this internship. I need to do this for me.
This is the first time I’ve been out of my house since Dad drove me home from the hospital almost three weeks ago. It’s bright and sunny and warm. I drive home with my windows down and feel the fresh air whip my hair around, slapping me in the face. Turning the corner onto our street, I try not to look at the Garcias’ house as I drive by. Remembering the excitement I used to feel coming home, turning the corner and onto our street, anxiously looking to see if Gabe was home, I find myself caught in the same habit. I look. His truck is in the driveway for the first time in two weeks. I assume he’s been staying over at Luke’s apartment, as far away as possible from his house and me.
My heart beats a little faster, knowing that he is just across the street. However, for the last two weeks, I’ve ignored his calls and texts until he finally stopped sending them. After I pull my car into the driveway, I raise the windows and step out. The smell of the blooming flowers on the citrus trees catches me, and I throw my head back as I close my eyes and just breathe. I breathe in deeply the scent of those citrus blossoms and feel the warm sun on my face. For the first time in two weeks, a sense of peace falls over me, if only for a few short seconds.
Raising my head, I open my eyes, and push the button on my key fob, locking my car doors. Looking back to my car to ensure I’d shut the windows, I glance up to see Gabe standing in his driveway, staring at me. He doesn’t smile or wave at me, or show any emotion toward me at all. He just stares at me, and I stand frozen, staring back at him; the sweetest man, the only man I’ve ever loved, stands in defeat.
Lowering my eyes down to my feet, I raise them slowly, to find him still standing there, staring directly at me. His stance is firm, but his shoulders are slack. I raise my right hand slightly to indicate a half-hearted wave. He doesn’t move; he just stands and stares at me. Turning myself around, I walk slowly up the front porch and into my house, glancing back at the man that I love, who looks so broken. By the time I lock the door, set my purse down, and peek out the window, he and his truck are gone. I promise myself that before I leave, I will talk to him.
Chapter 22
Gabe
For the past four weeks, I’ve sent Jess countless e-mails and text messages, and I have gotten nothing in return. I never leave my phone; it’s attached to my hand. Every time there is a ping, or a chime, or a ring, my heart stops, hoping she’ll have finally decided to respond to me, to provide me answers, a glimmer of hope, a “fuck-off,” something—anything. It’s the silence that is killing me.
I walked away from her four weeks ago because that’s what she wanted; that’s what she asked me to do. A piece of me died that day. I was never a sap or believed in true love and fate and all that bullshit, until I lost her. I know I’m only half alive—half functioning. I’d do anything she asked of me, anything, including walking away, if that is what she wanted—and it was.
For most of the last month, I’ve stayed with Luke because I can’t bear to be across the street from her, knowing I can’t walk over to check on her, kiss her, hold her, love her, and protect her. I lie in bed every night, and I’m assaulted with the memories of us. Everything good in my life was Jessica. She made me want to be a better man, a better boyfriend, a better person. She made me think of marriage and family, and goals, where most of my friends were thinking about the next chick they were going to bang.
The last time I saw her was two weeks ago. I stopped by Mom and Dad’s to pick up a few things to bring to Luke’s apartment. When I tossed my bag in my truck, I didn’t expect to see her car pulling into her driveway. It froze me. Literally. Everything in me stopped as I watched her step out of her car and lean her head back, tilting her face up to the sky. I could see her eyes were closed, and I wondered at that moment what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I stood there watching her, and for a moment, she looked peaceful, young, and innocent; not hurt, scared, and broken.
She was pale, much lighter than I’ve ever seen her and she looked like she had lost a lot of weight. Her normal beautiful, curvy frame was devoid of any shape; stiff, thin, and bony. Regardless, she was still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. I didn’t expect her to turn and look at me, to catch me staring at her. With a small flick of her wrist, she gave me a forced wave and a stiff, half-hearted smile. I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat when I realized that we’d come to a place where she wouldn’t talk to me, and smiles and waves were forced.
Clenching my fists, anger and hurt coursed through my veins, yet at the same time, I couldn’t help but stand and watch her. Just to see her, to know that she was okay, was a relief. I watched her slowly move up the steps of her patio and into her house; watched her shut the front door. I left when I knew she was safely inside. Jumping into my truck, I drove to Luke’s apartment, my sanctuary as of late.
I’ve spent the last few weeks working as much as I can. Picking up extra overtime shifts, and covering for guys who want an extra day off. Work has been my escape. Ironic, that is exactly what Chief is doing. I have to force myself to not ask him about Jess. I keep work strictly professional and only speak to him about work related matters. Chief spe
nds as much time here as I do, and it pains me to know that she is alone at home dealing with her pain. I want nothing more than to call her, to hear her voice, but she has made it clear she doesn’t want to hear from me. So two weeks ago, I stopped reaching out to her.
I’m off this weekend, and I plan to move the rest of my stuff from Mom and Dad’s over to Luke’s apartment. Luke convinced me that it might do me good to move in with him, to distance myself from Jess, and I reluctantly agreed. Pulling into the visitor space at Luke’s apartment complex, I throw my truck in park and just sit, contemplating this next step in my life—moving in with my brother. I was saving to buy Jess a ring and a house, and here I sit in the parking lot of my brother’s apartment. I feel my anger rise as I think about how in a matter of minutes, one run in the park, has changed the course of my plans—of our plans, forever.
Minutes have passed when I hear a tap on my window. It catches me off guard. I turn to see Luke. Wondering how long he’s been there, I grab my bag off of the passenger seat and open my door, sliding down onto the pavement.
Luke must see the despair in my eyes. “You okay, man?” he asks quietly with a pat on my shoulder. I nod and offer the best lie that I can.
“Yep,” Luke sighs. I know he wants to say something, but he refrains. I’m on edge, and he can tell.
“Hey, Ava invited a few people over to Mom and Dad’s tonight, like old times,” he says. Everyone is trying to move forward, as we’ve all been stuck in a holding pattern for the last month. “It would be good for you to…you know… take your mind off things for a while.”
“Yeah, I’ll stop by,” I say, knowing damn well I’m not in the mood to socialize. Everyone has been worried about me. Ava sends me endless text messages; Mom calls me at least three times a day, and Luke is always just watching me. The guys from the station, and even the couple of girls that work there have been more than tolerant of my mood swings. They’ve been great in giving me space to deal with everything that has happened.
“I invited Heather. She’s off tonight,” Luke says shyly. He’s had a crush on Heather for months now.
“Good,” I say, realizing I have a small smile on my face. I think this is the first time I’ve smiled in weeks. “Play it cool, my man…play it cool.” I smirk. Where I was graced with social skills, Luke was inherently quieter. Luke laughs a big laugh.
“That’s the plan, G. Hey, I’m heading to the gym. Be showered and ready to go, and I’ll swing by to pick you up around seven.”
“Sounds good. See you in a bit.”
I shower and move things around my new room, making space for the last few belongings I plan to bring over this weekend. My phone pings, and as usual, I jump to grab it, hoping the message is from Jess, but it’s a text from Ava.
Gabe, please promise me you’ll come over tonight.
I’ll be there, sis.
Good. I love you.
Love you too.
Luke picks me up promptly at seven o’clock as he said he would.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
Nodding my head, I say, “Yeah, it’s just the first time since everything happened that we’ve had one of these, so I don’t know what to expect, or think.”
“It’ll be fine. Just try to enjoy yourself,” he reassures me.
Ava texted us and said there were a few more people coming than we’re normally used to, which also has me a bit anxious. As we park in Mom and Dad’s driveway, I catch a glimpse of light peeking out of Jess’ bedroom window. The entire house is dark, except for her bedroom. I know Chief is at the station, and all I want to do is walk over there and force her to talk to me. Luke sits quietly with me while I stare at her window.
“Let’s go have a beer, man,” he says quietly.
Grabbing the cases of beer Luke brought, we walk through the side door that opens into the kitchen. Mom is at her usual perch, whipping up food while Dad is asleep in his recliner. Through the glass patio door, I can see that there are quite a few people in the backyard, and I’m wondering who Ava invited.
“Hi, Ma,” I say, walking over and placing a kiss on her cheek. She’s made her homemade guacamole and is arranging chips and salsa onto a large platter.
“Ah, Mijo, I’m so glad you came.” She flashes me the warmest smile. I’ve been so caught up in my own misery that I’ve distanced myself from the people who care about me and love me, and a wave of guilt runs through me. Her eyes shine with concern as she leans into me and pulls me into a hug.
“Carry this platter out back for me, will you please?” she asks, breaking our hug.
“Ma, we don’t come over here for you to cook for us, you know.”
“I know, Mijo, I love doing it, though. I love when all my kids are here.” Her voice cracks slightly, and I know she’s missing Jess as much as Ava and I are.
Carrying the tray of chips, salsa, and guacamole outside, I set it on the large patio table where an assortment of other snacks has been placed. Standing back, I survey who is here, wishing that Jess were floating around the crowd, talking to everyone like she used to do. I loved watching her move from group to group, talking to everyone and making everyone feel welcome. Shaking that thought, I locate the cooler and grab myself a bottle of Dos Equis.
“What’s up, man?” Adrian, Ava’s boyfriend, fist bumps me.
“Not much. Finally off for the weekend,” I say, grabbing the bottle opener. Popping the top, I tilt the bottle to my lips and let the cold, crisp beer slide down my throat. In two swallows, I finish half the bottle.
“Good to see you,” he says, passing by me and heading into the house. Looking around at the people in my backyard, I see Ava talking with a small group of girls; they are all leaned into their small circling, whispering and giggling. I see Luke chatting with Heather, the EMT from work, and I smile. Grabbing another beer, I open it and make my way over to see how he is handling his crush on Heather before Max stops me.
“Hey, Gabe.”
“What’s up?” I’m not in the mood to deal with these punks, but I know Max was close to Jess, and maybe he’s heard from her.
“Not much. Just wanted to say ‘hi,’ and was wondering if you’ve heard from Jess. She won’t return my calls or texts.”
“Same here,” I snap at him, taking a sip on the new beer in my hand.
“Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just, um, worried.”
“Look, if anyone hears anything, I’ll have Ava call you, all right?”
I feel guilty for snapping at him. It’s clear that everyone cares about her, and she isn’t talking to anyone. With a nod, he turns to walk away.
“Hey, Max,” I call after him.
“Yeah.” He stops and turns around, but makes no attempt to walk back toward me.
“If you happen to hear from her first, will you please let me know?”
With a tight smile, he nods again. “You know I will,” he says before turning to walk back to the small group gathered by the fire pit.
Chapter 23
Jess
It’s hard to believe that two short weeks ago I agreed to move myself across the country for an internship, leaving behind the few things in my life that I have ever loved. It didn’t take much thought for me, honestly. Gabe deserves better than me, at least better than the “damaged me.” He deserves someone who isn’t so damaged, someone that is whole and can love him without the insecurities I have, that I will probably always have.
I know that I will never love anyone the way I love him, ever. Maybe I’m making irrational and impulsive life decisions right now by pushing Gabe away, and moving from the only family I have ever known, but this is what I have to do, for him and for me.
I’m planning to leave early in the morning. Hopefully, I can slip out of town unnoticed. Not that anyone would notice I’m gone anyway, aside from the Garcias, whom I haven’t seen in over a month.
Stretching a piece of packing t
ape over the last box, I seal it up and push it away with my feet. I lean back against my bed, pulling my knees to my chest, and take in the sight of my bedroom. I’ve spent more time in this room the last three weeks than I have in all of the last fourteen years. The light pink walls are faded and in need of new paint. The hardwood floor could stand a good cleaning and polish. As of late, this room has been my haven, and a small part of me is sad to leave the comfort of its confines.
Grabbing the small blue and white plaid keepsake box, I pop the lid off. I know I’m torturing myself, but maybe it will be cathartic; a symbolism to my fresh start. Rummaging through the contents, I can’t help but smile and tear up at the memories one small box can hold. Ticket stubs to the Train concert Gabe and I went to a couple of months ago, pictures from Santa Barbara, notes he had hidden in my backpack, and the ring he had given me for Christmas; a promise to our future. I shoved the ring in the box the day I asked him to let me go.
Tears fall down my cheeks as I shuffle through all the pieces of my life that mean so much to me and shove them back into the box, except for the ring. Standing up, I unclasp the white gold delicate chain that hangs around my neck with a small diamond cross and slide the ring onto it. Reaching around my neck, I clasp the necklace and tuck the cross and ring under my t-shirt. I slide my hand to my chest and feel the cross and ring beneath the palm of my hand. Pressing it against my heart, I know that is where Gabe will be forever.
I know I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Angelica and John. It’s been killing me all week, knowing I was going to have to talk to them. I haven’t seen them since before I went for that run. Glancing at the alarm clock on my nightstand, I see that it’s almost eight o’clock. Mustering up the courage, I grab my jacket and throw it on over my t-shirt and slide my feet into a pair of Toms. I look at myself in the full-length mirror that hangs on my bedroom wall and take note of what I look like—I’m a mess. I’m just going to go say goodbye, and I’m making it fast, so this will have to do.
