I bit my lip at the pressure right where I needed it. But it wasn't enough as he moved to my other breast, the relative coolness of the air hitting my abandoned, sensitized nipple. I pushed against that hand, gripped his scalp, my body moving against his in a clear desire for more.
"No. The king's tent is over there. Let's go this way instead."
My eyes popped open at the low voice. The murmured reply finished bringing me right back down to reality with a resounding crash.
King.
This wasn't just Sven, King Emberich's mysterious right-hand man.
This was King Sven.
The Phoenix King.
And I was...
What was I doing?
"Stop," I said grabbing his wrist where his hand was still working me.
He immediately stilled, his mouth moving off me so he could look at my face.
"What?" he asked, his mouth swollen, his eyes glittering with arousal.
"We have to stop," I said grimly, trying to wiggle out from under him. "I...we...this isn't right."
"It feels more than right to me," he argued, frowning. "Adara..."
"No," I retorted firmly, pushing at his shoulders.
He immediately released me so I could roll off the bed, the tunic falling down to cover me again.
I didn't bother fixing my bra as I stumbled to the exit.
"Adara," Sven called out, rising up from the bed.
I turned to him, shaking my head as I pulled the flap back.
"We can't do this," I said, shaking my head, hating the slight tremble in my voice. "It isn't appropriate."
"Fuck appropriate," he muttered in a low voice, taking a step towards me.
My eyes went from his disheveled hair. To his reddened lips. His hot eyes. That massive tent at his hips. And I felt my resolve weaken.
But then I heard footsteps somewhere nearby.
"I can't afford to do this," I said softly, still shaking my head. "I'm sorry."
"Adara," he called out again as I ducked out of the tent.
But he didn't follow me as I hurried over to my assigned tent, a much smaller one a little bit farther away from the bonfires.
I needed to get away from him. I didn't trust myself so close to what I wanted. I'd already proven how weak I was, hadn't I?
As I entered the quiet darkness of my own tent, I took a deep breath. But it didn't help. I got a lungful of Sven's scent on me.
Moving over to the much smaller, harder bed, I sank down, lowering my head to my hands.
Shit.
Shit shit shit.
I'd made out with the king. Me, who was supposed to be the voice of the people, the person who championed them even if the Crown didn't. I'd literally been in bed with our monarch.
What had I been thinking?
Emberich had made more than a few insinuations that I'd be better able to get what I wanted if I was a little nicer to him.
But I'd never crossed that line, never betrayed myself like that, knowing it was a lie in any case. And he'd never pushed, the political ramifications not worth it. I had a flock who would back me if push came to shove. I'd always found another way to do what I could to help despite his lack of interest in aiding anyone.
But all Sven had to do was look at me and...
I groaned, flopping over to my side.
How the hell was I going to face him in the morning?
How was I going to face everyone else?
Hell—how was I going to face myself?
Chapter Nine
I woke up with a groan.
I felt achy and groggy, my body telling me that I really shouldn't be getting up. Turning onto my back, I rubbed at my face, trying to orient myself. When I opened my eyes, the peaked, white ceiling of the tent stared back at me.
That was the extent of the break I got. The night before came rushing back. And I immediately wished I could just go back to sleep and avoid the whole day. Too bad that wasn't an option. Especially since I wasn't even home at the moment.
"Damn it," I muttered.
This was a complication I really didn't need to add to my plate.
A flash of how Sven felt against me, how he'd touched me, the way that he tasted ran through me. A wave of heat that I couldn't stop accompanied the memory. Wonderful. I sat up with a frustrated sound, pushing it away, though the feeling of it lingered.
I could almost feel his lips against me...
No. I was a grown woman. I controlled my body. It didn't control me.
As I slid out of bed and fixed my hair and clothing, I kept repeating that to myself. Hoping it would sink in.
Righting myself as best I could—what really needed righting wasn't so easily fixed—I walked over to the door. I squinted as I opened the flap of the tent and stepped out into the searing brightness of the day. I wasn't up early, though it looked like I wasn't too late yet.
Breakfast was already being served in the large mess hall tent that had been set up for that purpose, judging by the sounds of people and smell of food. I followed my nose and my ears to it, smiling at the people that greeted me. Attempting to brace myself for seeing Sven. I didn't know if I really could, but it was worth a try.
When I stepped inside the large opening, pinned back to allow easy entrance, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the relatively dim interior. When they did, they somehow immediately found the bright head of hair that always stood out in a crowd. Even one of this size.
Sven's eyes locked on mine, the look in them unreadable as Ray, seated on his right, said something to him. He didn't look to be paying the man much attention. Ray looked like he'd realized this might be a good opportunity to get on the new king's good side.
Swallowing, I tore my gaze away from his and walked over to the buffet set up on one side. I grabbed a plate and started placing food on it without thinking, trying to act unaffected. I didn't know if I could get anything down this morning. But I didn't want to draw attention to how I was feeling.
Loaded up with more food than I could possibly force down, I turned towards the opposite side of the tent, intending on finding a seat as far away from Sven as I could. Maybe not the most mature way to cope, but I was willing to give myself a break given the circumstances.
"Adara!" someone called out over the crowd.
I looked over to see Ruth smiling at me, gesturing to the empty space next to her. Oh good. Somewhere specific to go. I made a beeline for her, very carefully not looking anywhere else. I sat with a relieved sigh.
"Everything all right?" Ruth murmured, her sharp gaze shrewd as she regarded me.
"Everything's fine," I reassured her, offering her a smile.
"Hmm." She didn't sound like she bought it. When she glanced over at Sven's table, I knew she didn't. "So there's no reason the king is boring a hole through you right now?"
I didn't look in his direction. I knew exactly how intense that stare could be.
"You must be mistaken," I responded smoothly, forking up a bite of some kind of food and shoving it into my mouth without looking. Even though what I really wanted to do was leave the tent altogether. Maybe fly away alone, before anyone could stop me. But that would cause talk and I had no desire to draw any more attention to myself.
"Hmm."
That small humming sound conveyed more than a lot of people could have with an entire monologue. This was the problem with being around intelligent people. They saw through bullshit too easily. Why couldn't I have sat next to someone comfortably dense? Luckily, Ruth was sensitive enough to move on from the subject rather than continuing to dig. She showed me pictures of her grandchildren instead, telling me of their ridiculous exploits. Before I knew it, I was relaxing despite myself, laughing at three-year-old Sabe's attempts to break out of his crib.
"My Eliza sleeps with one eye open ever since the tie incident," Ruth explained. But then a shadow passed over her expression, dimming the glow her family brought to her face. "I don't know what I would have done if..."
<
br /> She glanced over at Geo at the other end of the table. I sobered as well, focusing on my food once more. Geo had lost his parents in the attacks. One of many people in this flock and others that had lost loved ones.
"He hasn't let it out," Ruth murmured, her tone concerned. "I worry how he's handling it."
"He probably just needs some time," I offered, troubled. Hoping I was right.
Perhaps we needed to add mental health care to the list of necessities the flocks needed. I added it to the list. Ruth nodded, though she didn't look fully convinced of it when she switched subjects again. But the rest of the meal was more subdued after that, for good reason. When I caught sight of Sven getting to his feet and Igna following suit with the rest of the guards at a table next to him, I stood up as well.
"I believe that's my cue," I explained, gesturing at Sven. I squeezed Ruth's shoulder. "It was good to see you. And don't be a stranger. I read all my messages."
She smiled at me, squeezing my hand.
"I won't be. But you have even more on your plate right now than many of us do."
She was right about that.
"Doesn't mean I'll forget people I care about."
"Understood."
With one last squeeze, I fell into step beside Sven as he walked past.
I would have preferred hanging back with the guards, but they would notice the change. So I sucked it up and walked next to him.
"Hello, Adara," Sven murmured, not looking at me as he led the way to the clearing we were leaving from. People were already gathered around it, no doubt waiting to see the Phoenix King off.
"Hello," I murmured just as quietly. I wasn't going to say anything more than I had to.
"Sleep well?" he asked, sliding a glance over at me as we arranged ourselves to maximize space.
I attempted to ignore the knowledge in those eyes.
"Hmm." That was about as much detail as I was willing to give at that moment. I stripped quickly, trying not to think about Sven’s being naked only yards away and my being naked only yards away from him. And mostly failing at both.
I changed into my phoenix form quickly as Sven called out a thank you to the crowd, figuring I could at least take my nakedness out of the situation.
"My thanks for your hospitality," Sven said in that voice that carried without feeling at all forced or strained. "It does my heart good to see the resilience I saw here. I only hope I can live up to your example."
With that short and to-the-point message, he changed as well. I knew those three lines would be passed on to everyone who hadn't been there. As would the fact that the new king wasn't one prone to frills. Even the verbal kind.
Sven didn't waste any time after he was in his feathered form. He launched himself into the air with a powerful thrust of his body, the guards and I following suit a beat later.
The flight back to the capital was very different from the flight out. I didn't feel the same giddiness that I had on the way here. It was replaced with a sense of awkwardness and distance. Mixed with a confusing blend of lust and desire that was only greater now that I’d gotten a taste of the man I wanted. Regret and determination rounded out the not-so-comfortable cloud that surrounded me. Needless to say, I wasn't the best flying companion. But Sven stayed beside me as he had on the way out. And that consideration made the regret even sharper.
If he were someone else...
If I was.
But we weren't. And things were what they were. There was no point in lashing myself with hypotheticals. Reality was often a bitch. I knew that already.
When we neared, the sight of the city somehow underlined that for me, bringing me fully back to reality. A gut punch driving the facts home. When we landed, Sven's inner circle was already waiting for him, obviously chomping at the bit to get him caught up on all the work that no doubt piled up in his absence.
I watched as he changed and walked over to them naked, standing straight and strong, confident in himself in a way that I envied. I changed into my human form and dressed quickly. This was my cue to leave.
But Sven glanced over at me right as I took a step away. He held up a hand to his people and they quieted.
"If you'll wait a moment," he requested, taking a step towards me. "I think we need to have a quick debriefing before you leave."
Fine.
I could do this. Though I had to try really hard not to glance down.
"I'll wait inside for you," I murmured, nodding at everyone as I strode past.
Sven made an agreeing sound. I had a moment where I had doubts about being alone with him. But I'd have to be alone with him at some point. Might as well get it over with right away.
I hadn't taken more than a dozen steps inside before I heard his longer, heavier stride behind mine. I opened the door and walked into the audience chamber, turning on the light on my way over to the desk. Sven followed right behind me, closing the door. When he circled around the desk, I let out a silent sigh of relief at seeing he'd thrown on clothing.
He met my eyes as he sat down, his expression unreadable.
"What was your final assessment?" he asked after a beat of silence.
I relaxed a little. Work, I could do.
"Number of supplies were accurate. I think maybe we need to..." As I spoke, I stared at his forehead, not wanting to look down at the desk, but not being able to meet those eyes head on either.
"I agree," he said when I wound down. "Perhaps we need more regular inspections, however. Better to prevent issues from cropping up in the first place than coming in to fix them after the fact."
"That isn't a bad idea, but I would need more people, considering how much I already have on my plate..."
"Done," he said right away, opening up the computer that was already waiting on his desk and making a note.
We hammered out how many people I would need and how often the inspections needed to be done without their becoming a nuisance to the flocks.
And then there was nothing left to say, in terms of work. I gripped the arms of my chair.
"Is that all?" I asked, meeting Sven's eyes again.
There was a pause where I thought he would say something more personal, something about us.
Where I could see the man peek out from around the king.
"Yes, that's all," he murmured.
I didn't look the gift horse in the mouth. With a murmured goodbye, I stood and walked towards the door, resisting the urge to run. Feeling his gaze on my back, the attention like a physical weight. The distance between the desk and the doors never felt so great.
"Adara..." Sven murmured, his tone soft.
I paused with my hand on the door. I bit my lip, closing my eyes briefly. I couldn't.
"Please...don't."
Silence.
I opened the door and slipped out, feeling drained even though we left everything unspoken.
Igna nodded at me, already back at his post.
I nodded back and quickly walked away.
My heart ached even though I was the one who wanted to bury what happened. But it didn't matter how I felt. Not really.
Life continued.
I went home.
I worked.
Had another meeting with Sven the next day, this time with Arie and Joash there. If Sven's gaze lingered on me a little too much, if his tone sometimes softened when he spoke to me in a way it didn't with the others...I could deal with it. I had to.
He didn't bring up what happened between us in Ray's territory. And neither did I. Some things it didn't help to speak of, particularly those that couldn't be changed. I firmly believed that.
Still...seeing him didn't get any easier, like I was hoping it would. I just simply learned how to cope. To keep my goals, my work, our people at the forefront of my mind.
If I thought of him when I was alone, when my bed felt colder and emptier than I'd ever felt it, well, that was my business, wasn't it? I settled into my routine and dealt with it.
A week after we
got back, I woke up and got ready like I always did. I left my building early in the morning, like I always did. But that was where the day went completely sideways. The narrow streets were filled with people, many more than usual at this time of day, and the gondola was packed when I got there.
What was going on? What had I missed? I tuned in to the people around me as we started moving up the mountain.
"Why is everything still a mess?"
"Maybe this is his goal. Keep us down. Make us easier to control," an older woman responded, her face tight under heavy eyeliner.
"I heard they're already rebuilding in Arie's," a teenage boy chimed in, the excitement in his voice clear. He was still young enough that the charge in the air really affected him.
"And Mishal's," said someone else whom I couldn't see.
"I wonder why that is," a young man drawled sarcastically, his arm wrapped around his wife or girlfriend.
I heard variations of the same sentiment as we all traveled up. I felt my stomach twist as I listened. This wasn't good, and it didn't get better. Where the gondola was usually empty or near to it at the palace stop, it was still packed today, with even more people squeezing in on our way up.
When we reached the palace, the going didn't get any easier.
"Oh...shit," I muttered under my breath as I followed the stream of people to the palace. I saw the masses gathered just outside the perimeter, grim-faced guards forming a tight line in front of them, holding them back, keeping them from getting any closer.
I looked around at the crowd, trying to get a sense of what was going on. The crowd was chanting, but different parts were saying different chants, all of them jumbling together until what I heard was an incoherent roar.
My blood chilled at the sight.
This was dangerous.
This was a crowd primed to do something destructive if we weren't careful.
I needed to get inside. Needed to help Sven get a handle on this. I started pushing my way through the crowd, trying to make room where there was none. Was the entire city out today? How had I missed this? It was obviously organized in some way or everyone wouldn't know.
"Isn't that the Liaison?"
"Yeah, I think it is..."
From the Ashes: A Dragons & Phoenixes Novel (The Phoenix Wars Book 1) Page 6
