"What is going on with you?" he demanded, letting go of me when I yanked on my arm.
"Nothing," I said tightly. "I need to do a personal round among the flocks. You don't really need me in those meetings anyway, so I'm going to leave now."
Maybe not the best course of action considering the rumors, but I needed to leave, get away somehow for my own peace of mind.
"Now?" he asked, shaking his head. "I didn't take you as a coward, Adara."
Oh, really? I let out a harsh laugh. He'd picked the perfect fuel to stoke my anger, still simmering just under the surface.
"A coward?" I repeated. "Really?"
He frowned, looking a little uncertain at the change of my tone.
"It's just gossip, Adara," he said in a softer voice. "It'll die down soon enough when they have some other stupid news to chew on."
"Only gossip?" I repeated, taking a step towards him. "Only gossip?" I shook my head in disbelief. "That's easy to say when you're king, isn't it? You're above any repercussions."
"Do you honestly think that?" he demanded. "Everything I do is up for scrutiny. Everything!"
"Oh, poor you!" I said sarcastically. "Poor King of the Phoenixes, now known for seducing women as well! I'm sure it will tarnish your reputation permanently. However will you survive?"
"You can't outrun this, Adara," he countered, his jaw tight, ignoring my words.
Beyond frustrated, I shoved at his chest with both hands. If I'd been thinking straight, I never would have done it. Assaulting the king was a crime punishable by death. But I just didn't care.
He stepped back from the force of my push, but he didn't try to stop me, keeping his arms at his sides, his eyes on my face.
"You don't understand!" I shoved him again. "I'm not the king! I'm replaceable! And I'll have to deal with the fallout!" I pushed at him again, his face blurring in front of me as I tried to blink back tears. "I'm also not a man," I continued, gripping his shirt in my hands. "People vilify women for shit like this!"
"They're wrong," he retorted. "Fuck them."
"It doesn't matter if they're wrong," I argued, using my grip to shake him, though he barely moved. "I just..."
All of my emotions mixed together in an explosive combination. I felt like I was going to burst from the inside out, the pressure built up beyond a safe point. I felt the urge to scream. To cry. To rage at the world and everyone in it.
But I did something much more stupid than that.
I grabbed Sven by his hair.
And slammed my mouth onto his.
Chapter Sixteen
I might have started off as the aggressor for once, but it didn't take long for Sven to take control. As in most things, he wasn't really the type to sit back and take things as they came. And I didn't mind. Not at all.
With a snarl, he picked me up and spun us around, pushing me up against the wall. It was cold and hard against my back, but my mind was on other things. My legs wrapped around his slim hips and my hands locked around his neck as he kissed me desperately, his familiar taste hitting me.
He shoved his erection against me impatiently, rubbing at me right where I wanted it. Yes. More of that would be just perfect. I pushed back against him, rubbing against that hard ridge, giving as good as I got. I wanted him and I was tired of fighting it. If they were going to talk about us anyway, what was the point? Might as well go down in flames, take what I wanted while I could.
So I let everything go. Lived in the moment for once, something I rarely did. There were always responsibilities to think of, obligations to handle, an image to uphold, a flock to make proud. But I was only a person in the end, and even I had limits. And I'd hit a hard one. I broke hard. And I didn't care.
All I wanted to do was feel, work out all of this mess out in the basic coming together of bodies. Get everything out in the slide of his body against mine. His mouth on mine. It wasn't a slow slide into pleasure. I didn't want to go slow. Sven seemed to be on the same page, thankfully. Maybe he was just giving me what I so clearly wanted.
I tugged at his shirt and he pulled back just long enough to rip off the offending piece of cloth. Then he focused on me, ripping off my top and my pants, along with my underwear, as if he couldn't wait to have his hands on my bare skin.
It felt good to be so wanted.
It made me feel powerful. And I needed that right now, when I felt like everyone was trying to take my power away from me. I needed to feel like I had control. And even though he was definitely the doer, I knew I was the one who had the control in the end.
I slid my hands over the smooth, hard muscle of Sven's shoulders. Combed my fingers through his chest hair, counted the muscles of his six-pack on his firm stomach, while he worked on sliding his own pants down.
"Fuck," he muttered, frustrated at the task.
He didn't bother shoving them down farther than necessary. I approved of the expediency.
I wanted to see him.
Touch him.
As soon as he was free, I took a firm grip on his erection, enjoying the heat, the silky smoothness of skin stretched tight over his hardness. The evidence of how much he wanted me was intoxicating. As was the sight of that long, thick part of him.
He groaned, then gasped in a breath, his forehead resting against mine as we both looked down, watching my hand as I stroked him.
Ran a stroking finger down his length.
Rubbed my thumb over the slick head.
He let out a hoarse sound as one of his hands slid up my ribs to close over my breast, squeezing it firmly, his thumb rubbing at my hard nipple almost absently as he watched.
"I need to be inside you, Adara," he groaned, shoving himself against my hand.
I slid my face against his, his stubble scraping against my cheek on my way to taking his soft earlobe into my mouth. And biting down gently.
"Yes," I whispered against his ear.
That was all it took. He pushed my hand aside and made sure I was firmly pressed against the wall, his glittering eyes meeting mine as he took his erection in his hand.
This was a man on the edge. He wanted this as badly as I did.
But then he paused.
"Are you sure?" he asked, the tip of him just touching me, hot and so carefully out of reach.
"Yes," I murmured.
And I thrust down against him, taking him in halfway in one quick movement before he could respond. We both cried out at the tight fit, at the sensation of our bodies finally coming together after so much teasing, so much skirting around the issue.
There was a sense of inevitability to it. I knew I was always going to end up here with him. It might not have been today, but it would have happened at some point. The draw between us was too strong to deny.
I moaned as he thrust the rest of the way into me, cursing under his breath. We took a moment to enjoy that feeling of him inside me for the first time, the fit perfect. The feel of his pulse inside me just what I wanted.
And then it was a race to the finish. He set up a smooth, hard rhythm, his hips pistoning slowly at first and then faster as we settled into it. His hand slid down and squeezed my butt just this side of bruising as he sucked on the side of my neck, slid his other hand between us to rub at my clit, his touch knowing. He was a fast learner. I could tell he remembered what I liked. I loved a smart man.
We slid against each other, a light layer of sweat coating each of us as we burned ever hotter. We were joined in the most intimate way a man and woman could be joined physically, but somehow I wanted him even closer. I felt surrounded by him in the best way possible. This was how I wanted it.
Fast and hard. And unapologetic. Unashamedly carnal. There was a simplicity to it, a release in the act beyond the physical. Not that I didn't want that too.
"Almost..." I gasped, pushing against him, rubbing against his firm stomach, trying to force the orgasm out of my body.
Almost there. He ground his hips against mine, his grip tight on my hip as he tried to get as
deep as possible, rub against me like I wanted it.
"Sven!" I cried out, my body clenching down on his in a vise grip, the orgasm hitting me hard and fast.
I bit down on his shoulder as my body lurched against his, my hips jerking in response to the wave of feeling. He growled, shoving into me even harder, his hands coming up to pin my wrists against the wall on either side of my head. The feeling of being restrained reignited the orgasm, spiking the pleasure. I gasped as he thrust into me even faster, his hips slapping against mine, his breathing harsh. I let go with my mouth to take in a breath.
Just as he joined me. He let out a shuddering breath, trembling as he jerked inside me, the warmth of his orgasm inside me delicious. His thrusts slowed, gentled, until he came to a stop still buried inside me. I let my head drop down against his neck, my arms wrapping around him again as he let go of my wrists. He leaned against me as we both tried to catch our breaths. I rubbed a soothing hand down his back.
After a minute or so, he wrapped his arms around me, hitching me up and turning to stumble to a nearby couch.
A silk couch.
It was only then that I really saw the room. Like many of the superfluous rooms in the palace, it didn't really have a defined purpose, was filled with furniture for sitting and had a balcony to take off from but what otherwise nebulous in its existence. But the furniture was still of very fine quality. And I knew raw silk like this stained, even just with water.
But I couldn't care about whether or not it would be ruined. What was ruining a piece of furniture when I'd just done what I'd done with the Phoenix King? The very reason for the rumors that could very well destroy everything for me. But there was no room for thoughts like that right now. I wanted to enjoy this languorous feeling while I had the chance.
Lying down with me still in his arms, Sven finally shoved down his pants the rest of the way before pulling me even closer against his front. I let myself relax, the heat of his naked body against mine enough to help along the drowsiness I already felt. I felt wrung out. Emotionally and physically.
"Go to sleep," Sven murmured, kissing my forehead, sliding a soothing hand down my back. "The door is locked. There's nowhere you need to be, no urgent business to attend to."
That sounded wonderful. But...
"We need to..."
"We'll talk later," he interrupted me. "Sleep. You'll feel better after you've had a rest."
I really shouldn't have, but I was too tired to fight it off. I'd spent my whole life fighting something, it felt like.
Maybe it was time to try giving in more.
So I dropped into a dreamless slumber.
Held close in Sven's arms.
Chapter Seventeen
I woke up to a snug arm around my middle and the warmth of a solid body behind my back. I didn't know exactly how much time had passed, but it didn't feel like it had been that long. I turned my head carefully to take in Sven's sleeping face. It was more relaxed than I'd seen it in days. There wasn't really a lot of downtime for him these days. I was glad he got a moment to rest.
It also gave me some time to outright stare at him without worrying about him catching me at it. Not that I thought he'd mind at this point.
The thought brought a slight smile to my face as I took in the hard line of his jaw, the thick fan of his lashes resting against his cheeks, the strong, straight length of his nose. His hair was covering one side of his face as he slept. All in all, he looked much more carefree than I knew him to be.
Moving slowly, I raised a hand to smooth the hair back off his face as I considered his profile. I waited to feel something negative as I looked at him. Now that I had a moment to consider the aftermath of what I'd done. But I just couldn't regret my decision. It felt too right. Like Sven said, I was tired of worrying about what everybody else thought, what judgment they were going to bludgeon me with. Letting that concern go, even for that brief period of time, made me feel free in a way hadn't since I'd first taken this job. It let me have a taste of what it would have been like had we both just been normal people, without other responsibilities and obligations that might tear us in opposite directions.
I smoothed a hand over the muscled curve of his shoulder, my mind turning to reality. The sad truth was, we didn't live in a vacuum. Other people's perceptions could have an impact. As much as we wished they didn't.
I sighed, feeling tired all over again. I had a lot to consider, and I didn't think I could do that with Sven by my side. I needed to know that my I was making my decisions with a clear head, not one clouded by anything—or anyone—else.
But I couldn't bring myself to get up right away, not when I wasn't sure what the future held for us. So I indulged myself. I took a few minutes just to lie there and memorize Sven's face. Memorize the way he looked in that moment, relaxed and seemingly without worry. I soaked in the feel of his body against mine. The way he held me even while he was asleep.
But I couldn't lie there forever, as much as I might have wanted to.
Taking a breath and holding it, I slowly slid out of his arms, careful not to jostle him too much or make too much noise. I set his arm carefully back onto the couch and quietly went over to my clothes, keeping an eye on him as I pulled them on. But he didn't budge. He was well and truly knocked out. I knew he'd been functioning on a sleep deficit. It looked like it had caught up with him.
Once I was fully dressed, I hesitated. It didn't feel right to leave without saying goodbye, to leave without waking him up and letting him know I was leaving. But I knew if he woke up, he would try to convince me to stay.
And he might succeed. But I knew I needed to leave.
I bit my lip as I took in his sleeping form, powerful even while he was unconscious.
Yes, I had told him I needed to go on a flock tour because I just wanted to get away from here, from the trappings of this life. However, a full tour was actually a very practical next step at the moment. I'd be able to check on everyone, not just the flocks that had garnered most of my attention in the past weeks because they needed the most help.
I would be able to kill two dragons with one flame. Though maybe that wasn't such a politically correct thing to say anymore. I shelved that thought.
The tour would also give me an opportunity to see how people reacted to me in places other than the capital as well.
No. I couldn't wake Sven before I left. He wouldn't understand.
Or, at least he wouldn't want me to leave even if he understood the reasoning behind my desire to leave. So I reached behind myself, opened the door, and stepped outside, being sure to close it carefully behind me, with the lock turned on the inside, making sure it was secured. Nobody needed to walk in on him in that state.
And I wanted him to be able to get as much rest as he could while he could. They would have him up and working in no time flat as soon as they found him.
It was just my luck that as I exited the room and closed the door behind me, a couple of guards walked past. Just who I wanted to see. People. And, oh look, my favorite kind—the judgmental kind.
The one closest to me looked me up and down and turned to give the other guard a knowing look, not even attempting to hide what he was doing. Looked like the guard had guessed what I'd just been doing, or was at least willing to assume it.
But I couldn't worry about that. I could only control what I myself did. I wasn't going to waste more energy worrying about what everybody else was doing. I felt my resolve strengthen at that decision. However, I really had to put that mindset to the test as I walked through the palace halls.
A visiting flock chieftain didn't give me a nod as she walked by, but I saw her give me a look from the corner of her eye as she passed me. A group of the kitchen staff saw me as they were huddled in the corner taking a break and I heard the tone of the conversation change as I neared, their lowered voices not hiding the fact that they must have been talking about me. Not a comfortable realization.
I walked past, keeping my head held high.
It was just talk. I wouldn't give it more power than it deserved. I held onto that as I went straight home first, ignoring the looks and the whispers.
I packed my things quickly. I always had a bag packed with the essentials on hand, so I just added a few more things to that base. And then I was off to my first destination. Azar's flock.
I tried to turn my mind off as I flew there, trying to find my center as I usually did in these pockets of time when I couldn't do anything. But that remained elusive. Still, I did feel slightly less claustrophobic the farther I flew. Even if I immediately felt the tug to go back to Sven. Clarity wasn't going to be found on this leg of my journey.
Azar's guards spotted me as I neared and recognized me, only one of them breaking off to land with me in the clearing I usually set down on. Someone must have alerted Azar as well because she was there shortly after, smiling at me in her reserved manner.
"Adara! What brings you here?" she asked. She didn't seem nervous. Always a good sign.
"I'm doing a circuit among the flocks just to keep a handle on everything," I explained with a slight smile. "I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience?"
She nodded her head, her chic blonde bob shining in the sunlight.
"Of course not," she murmured. "Feel free to go wherever you would like and ask any questions you may have. I understand oversight is a good idea."
"Thank you," I murmured. "Maybe we can start with general morale?" I asked.
She was little surprised at that, but then nodded.
"I have been having some issues on that front," she admitted. "It's no wonder, of course..."
We launched into a conversation about the general mental health of her flock. As she gave me her own impressions and insights, we walked around and she pointed out more concrete, visible issues as well. If she'd heard any of the rumors about Sven and me, she didn't let on. Azar had always been a cool one, keeping her own council for the most part.
But the same couldn't be said of the rest of her flock. I saw the looks I got as we strolled. The whispers behind hands. I was always the subject of talk in any flock when I arrived, but this had a different tone to it. And it didn't take me three guesses to pinpoint why. Azar saw me looking at one such group and gave them a sharp look. They immediately quieted, moving away.
From the Ashes: A Dragons & Phoenixes Novel (The Phoenix Wars Book 1) Page 10
