by Sharon Green
"That makes two of us," Tain agreed, abruptly coming to a decision. "If we go to my place we can be comfortable and get that coffee. Do you mind?"
She looked at Killen to see him shake his head, so she turned the car and drove to her apartment. The ride was on the quiet side with neither of them saying anything, and the silence continued until they were in the apartment and Tain had made a pot of fresh coffee.
By the time they'd taken turns using the bathroom the coffee was ready, so they sat and drank coffee for a couple of minutes in the same quiet. Tain had been trying to talk herself into breaking that silence for quite some time, and finally she got tired of being so much of a coward.
"Would you … like to talk about what was bothering you back at Ricky's house?" she said, forcing herself to look over at Killen where he sat at the small table in her kitchen. She'd been increasingly aware of his presence from the time he'd gotten into her car, and was almost to the point of being unable to keep herself from touching him in some way.
"What was bothering me in Ricky's house," he repeated, his smile containing no humor at all. "What was bothering me started long before I got to that house, and I've been thinking about it for the last half hour or more. I … kind of lost it with the dealer Matt and I located, and I came close to killing the man. The women the dealer had drugged were all badly abused, you see, and that fact enraged me."
"But… Why shouldn't you have been enraged?" Tain asked, sincerely confused. "We both know from personal experience how bad that drug is, and forgiving people for committing horrors is fatuous. Forgiving may make you feel saintly, but it does nothing to keep the slime from hurting other innocents."
"I think I lost it because deep down I knew I didn't have a right to judge that dealer," Killen said, now studying the coffee mug his fingers toyed with. "Having someone completely and totally in your power is like a drug in itself, and I wasn't able to resist that drug any more than the man I almost killed. The fact that I regret what I did doesn't enter into the matter. I still did those things and I did them to a woman I cared about rather than to a stranger. That, I think, makes me worse than the dealers and even worse than Ricky and his crowd."
Tain stared at Killen for a minute, trying to find something useful to say. Killen was being consumed by guilt, and seeing her at the house must have made things worse for him. It would have been ludicrous for her to find excuses for what he'd done to her on Oliven, but there had been extenuating circumstances…
"After thinking about it for a while, I'm forced to admit that some of what you did to me was … kind of … necessary," Tain got out, hating having to say the words. "I wasn't being in the least reasonable because I couldn't be, and every time I refused to do what had to be done I … put us all in danger. It's killing me to admit that, but truth is truth."
"Even so, I should never have gone as far as I did," Killen maintained while Tain examined her own mug, his voice slightly less … haunted. "I did things to you that made me despise myself afterward at least as strongly as you despised me. It bothered me quite a lot that you left me behind when you took off, but what else could you have done when you knew how untrustworthy I was?"
"I left you behind because I was the one I couldn't trust," Tain blurted, needing to tell him the truth. "I knew you were sincerely sorry for what you'd done and would never do the same again, and that's what frightened me. If you'd enjoyed yourself abusing me there would have been no problem, but as it was… And don't forget that I took my own advantage when I had the chance, so you aren't alone in being tempted."
That wasn't quite the way Tain had meant to apologize to Killen, but she'd raised her gaze to see that what she'd said was getting through to him. His gray eyes returned her gaze in the oddest way, and then he smiled and shook his head.
"Am I wrong in thinking that you would have been happier if I was the one you couldn't trust?" he asked, using two fingers to stroke her hand. "That doesn't make any sense, Tain. Why would it frighten you to understand that I would never abuse you again?"
"I … can't seem to figure that out," Tain admitted, also trying to decide whether to move her hand or leave it where it was. "There's a lot about my feelings that I still don't understand, and maybe I never will. But one thing I do know is that we don't work for the same department any longer."
"Is that what was bothering you?" Killen blurted, a hint of annoyance ghosting through his eyes as he withdrew his fingers from her hand. "Don't you know that that stupid regulation was overlooked more than it was enforced? No one would have insisted that one of us leave the department, and even if they did then I would have been the one who had to go."
"Like hell," Tain said with a snort, her own annoyance coloring her reaction. "That regulation was enforced twice in the time I was with the department, and both times it was the female who was made to leave. And neither woman was able to find the same kind of job afterward."
"I heard about that, but when I looked into the cases I found out the truth," Killen said with his own sound of ridicule. "Those women were doing more screwing around - of all kinds - than working, and when they did work they most often screwed up. Using the regulation against them was just the excuse to get rid of them, and that's why they couldn't get the same kind of job anywhere else. The word had spread about how bad they were at being agents, which meant no one was stupid enough to take them on."
Tain stared at Killen almost open-mouthed, tempted to call him a liar but not finding it possible to do that. He wasn't guessing about what he'd said, and sudden fury flashed through Tain but not toward Killen. Coleson had to have known why she refused to work with Killen, but instead of telling her the truth about the regulation the slime had just let her go on thinking a lie was the truth. Tain was about to say as much, but all words disappeared when Killen rose from his chair, moved the one step closer to her, then leaned down to put his lips to hers.
The kiss was more tentative than demanding, almost a gentle request for response. For an instant Tain was too startled to give that response, but then her arms went around Killen's neck nearly by themselves. Her own mouth was the one doing the demanding, and a heartbeat later her demand was granted and matched. Need and desire obviously filled the both of them, Killen's almost-frenzied response proving that clearly.
The next thing Tain knew she was on her feet, their lips still locked tight even as they made their lurching way toward her bedroom. Killen was busily removing her clothes as they shuffled along, and her own hands were working on his clothes. It was a stupid, childish arrangement that had to be interrupted when it became necessary for a shirt to be pulled off over a head or some such, but even those few seconds without the touch of his lips were hell for Tain. When Killen's lips returned to hers the world was perfect again, his moan of pleasure saying he felt the same.
They were both naked by the time they reached her bed, and Killen picked her up and tossed her in before immediately following to continue that kiss. His hands moved all over her body in the most exquisite way, Tain's own hands delighting in the feel of him as she stroked and tickled. Then his lips left hers so that he could begin to lick her body, and Tain's groan was nearly one of pain. She wanted Killen so badly that the need was pain, and happily Killen seemed to feel the same way. The next thing Tain knew, Killen was between her legs and entering her, and then frenzy really took them over.
The time went on and on into forever, but that kind of forever unfortunately ends at some point. When that horrible/wonderful point arrived it took some time before Tain was able to think again. Killen lay beside her on the bed, obviously as wiped out as she was, but as far as Tain was concerned the exhaustion was delicious.
"We'll definitely have to do that again, and often," Tain finally managed to say, turning her head to look at Killen. "As soon as we get back from Oliven, if not during the trip."
"I like the way you think," Killen returned with a grin, reaching over to take her hand. "And once we get back from Oliven we'll have to decide
whose apartment we'll live in, yours or mine. Or maybe we'll be better off finding a different place entirely."
Killen had laced their fingers together and then raised the hands so that he could kiss the back of hers. Tain noticed that only peripherally as an odd feeling almost like a chill went through her.
"Don't you think you're rushing things a little?" she finally managed to ask, fighting to keep her voice even. "I said I wanted to have sex with you, not set up housekeeping. There is a difference, you know."
"A big difference," he agreed quietly, releasing her hand before moving himself into a sitting position as he stared at her. "I thought we were beyond simply wanting to share a bed for sex, as if we were trying to decide if we really were attracted to each other. I think it's safe to say there's more than simple attraction between us, so it ought to be time to move on to the next phase of a relationship. If you don't feel the same way, why were you so worried about departmental regulations?"
"I … was simply trying to cover all bases in case we did want to move on," Tain said, also sitting up. "I just feel that now isn't the time to do that. I tend to like to do things my own way, not be told by someone else that the things should be done differently. Do you like taking other people's orders?"
"No one was giving you orders, Tain, and the last thing I need to be told is that you like doing things your own way," Killen responded, still speaking evenly. "You tend to march ahead and do your own thing even when you shouldn't, that last time on Oliven being a perfect example of what I mean. If you'd passed out from blood loss on your way back to base you could have died, but that didn't stop you from leaving the rest of us behind. Do you have any idea how I suffered until I reached the base myself to find out you'd made it alive after all?"
"Since I wasn't feeling unsteady I knew I'd have no trouble making it," Tain said, tired of trying to figure out what she was feeling now and why she happened to be feeling like that. "All I know is that if you're going to criticize me I definitely don't like the idea of us living together. Getting together every now and then is a much better idea, so - "
"You're afraid," Killen interrupted as he stared at her narrow-eyed. "Is it a relationship you're afraid of, or a relationship with someone who doesn't mind telling you when you do something stupid? And risking your life like that was stupid, no matter how you try to dress up the act as a cool, rational decision. You were running scared then and you're doing the same now, but I'm not about to let you get away with it."
"And what do you think you'll do to stop me?" Tain asked, returning his stare as a strange kind of anger began to take her over. "I can risk my life any time I please, and you have nothing to say about it. I'm not your slave, Killen, not now and not ever again."
"You don't have to be a slave to be sensible, Tain, and it isn't my intention to own you," he came back, some kind of anger behind his own words. "But I do care for you more than a little, and when you care for someone it hurts you to see them put themselves in unnecessary danger. That kind of hurt shouldn't happen."
Killen put both his hands to her shoulder, then gave her a small shake.
"I almost let guilt ruin what we can have together, and because of that I feel like a fool," Killen said, speaking slowly as he stared into her eyes. "If you think I'll now let your fear do the ruining you're crazy, not when there's another choice. We can start out living together only on weekends, using both of our apartments in turn. I'll do it any way you like, but I will not just come by every once in a while to screw you. We both deserve more than that and we're going to have it. I'll let you know what time to be at the port."
He leaned close to touch his lips to hers, then he let her go and got out of the bed. Tain lay down slowly while she heard the sounds of Killen gathering up his clothes and getting into them, and then he left the apartment. When she heard the door click closed she began to cry, feeling so miserable she didn't know what to do. She should have cursed Killen for talking to her like that, should have flatly refused to listen to what he had to say, but she hadn't.
She had no idea why she hadn't, but something told her she would certainly find out…
* * *
Jake called a cab when he left Tain's apartment, glad he didn't have to do his own driving. He'd worked very hard to make Tain believe he was in full control of the situation between them, but he really had no idea what her problem could be. She was definitely afraid of something, but that something didn't seem to be him. Just something related to him, or at least to him and her together. It was enough to make Jake start talking to himself, but he was saved from that fate by the ringing of his cell phone.
"The travel arrangements are all made, and you'll be leaving tonight about six," Rachel's voice informed him as soon as he was on the line. "I've also taken care of letting the others know, so you don't have to bother. And that reward we discussed now has the blessing of the entire Board. When they found out that Margate may never recover from what Coleson did to her, I could have asked them to agree to Coleson's lynching and they would have done it."
"What did the slime do to Margate?" Jake asked, then shook his head as if Rachel could see the gesture. "No, scratch that question. It's none of my business what Coleson did to the woman, and I don't need to know to still want the slime's head on a platter. But I'm not going to put his head on a platter, or even in a noose. Coleson is going to pay hard for what he did, not get off easy by dying. Do you disagree?"
"Hardly," Rachel answered in a very dry way. "I've always been a big fan of giving people what they truly deserve, and it's just a shame that our legal system doesn't agree with the point of view. In case you were wondering, that means if Coleson is returned to us in a well-dented condition, you won't have to worry about anyone complaining."
"Coleson will probably complain, but if no one is listening to him it won't matter," Jake said. "But I've been thinking about this trip, and I've decided that our group won't be traveling as natives again. We'll go as ourselves and take some good camping equipment with us, giving the natives a chance to see part of what they're missing."
"And also giving Coleson a chance to hear about your presence and make the mistake of sending people to attack you," Rachel said with a small laugh. "Then you can take a few captives who can tell you where Coleson is without your having to search. I have no doubt that the fool will be just that stupid, so consider your plan approved."
"Thanks, boss," Jake told her dryly. "Have you already been given the department, or is that still to be done? I know you'll make a hell of a better department head than Coleson would have been even if he'd stayed in the job for a century."
"We'll discuss that when you get back," Rachel returned, amusement clear in her voice. "Right now I can tell you that I'm not your boss, just someone who's speaking for the Board. Any other assumptions would be completely out of line."
"Right," Jake agreed, then joined her in ending the call. So Rachel probably would get the appointment, and Maggie, her twin, would probably take over for Margate. Both departments really could do worse, and it wasn't something Jake cared to worry about anyway.
He had his own problems, and tonight he would be back in the company of his biggest one…
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tain was able to get a few hours of sleep before she had to leave for the port, and when she woke up she found she'd made a decision. It had been a waste of time for her to work at avoiding Killen; the very first time she'd seen him again she hadn't been able to keep from wanting to drag him into bed. Why she felt that way she still didn't understand, but she didn't seem able to change her mind. She still wanted the man as much as ever, so there was only one thing left for her to do.
"Make him walk away," she muttered as she sat down with a cup of coffee. "And doing that might not be as hard as he seemed to think."
Or at least Tain hoped making Killen walk away wouldn't be that hard. As it happened, thoughts of how he'd tried to reorganize her life let her make plans and carry through on them wi
thout having mindless bodily demands interfering. And it was a damned good thing they were going to Oliven. No other planet was likely to offer the same possibilities…
Since Tain had packed before she lay down to sleep, once she finished her coffee she was able to head for the port. When she got there she used her ID to keep from having to go through a customs check, her status letting her get away with just listing the weapons she had. One of the weapons she'd chosen to bring was a solar-charged stunner, the perfect gun for Oliven. She also had a knife, but was unlikely to need it. If she knew Killen and the way he thought, they would not be traveling as natives again…
"Hey, partner, good timing," Tain heard, and then she turned to see Riss walking over to her. "If you've finished supplying your declaration, let's go get a drink until the guys show up."
"Good idea," Tain agreed, bending to reach the handle of her luggage. "And once we find out what ship we'll be taking we can get rid of these bags."
Riss's luggage was just as large and heavy as Tain's, but they were both using bags with built-in gravity compensaters. That meant lifting the bags wasn't hard at all, as long as they remembered that almost no weight didn't also mean no mass. And since Riss had nearly as much experience traveling as Tain did, they made it to a bar in the waiting area without destroying anyone or anything with a bag gone out of control.
"Tell me quick," Riss murmured once they'd found a table and given a waitress their orders. "How did it go with Jake? You did find the time worth the effort I put into making it happen, didn't you?"
"Afraid not," Tain said, having expected the question and was therefore prepared for it. "Killen likes to play a little rougher than I care for, so I've decided to keep looking. The only problem is, he enjoyed himself, so he might try to keep from having to take no for an answer."
