by Dean, Ali
“Seriously, we could all use the outlet, a chance to chill where we can’t talk about everything else, even if we wanted to.” There had been moments these past few days where it felt like we were the ones in prison, trapped into this war. We just needed to get away from it. If everyone at Defiance Falls High wanted a Lake party anyway, why deny them?
“Good for the soul, escape from reality, whatever you want to call it, I don’t care,” Spike said. “But I seriously need some action, if you know what I mean.”
I rolled my eyes, but didn’t respond. I was sure this line of conversation would devolve into something much more vulgar without me present. The guys needed to fake normalcy for now, and I totally understood that. Maybe that’s why Dad made me go to school yesterday and wanted me at my game today. I didn’t want to sit and stew about what might have happened if Sonia hadn’t warned us, or what could have happened if things hadn’t gone our way.
“Um, Hazel?” There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned to find my teammates Shantal and Hanna behind me.
“Hey.” I tried to sound casual, but the awkwardness in the air was undeniable. It wasn’t my fault, my teammates were the ones shifting on their feet, acting all weird.
“What’s up?” I prompted.
Hannah cleared her throat. “I’m glad you made it to the game today, we missed you last week.”
“Oh yeah, thanks, me too.” They’d sent me text messages all week asking if I’d be here today but I hadn’t responded. There’d just been too many people trying to get in touch with me, and I knew most of it wasn’t genuine concern, but eagerness for gossip. I’d ignored all of it, so it hadn’t been personal.
Shantel glanced around the group. “We thought we’d see if maybe, you know, you’d want to hang out later tonight?”
Hanna finally lifted her eyes to the rest of the guys. “All of you, we mean. You guys won too, so it’d be fun to celebrate together.”
Shantal put a light hand on Cruz’s shoulder before pulling it back, like she’d burned herself. Or at least, remembered he was mine. “If you’re up for it, that is, Cruz. We weren’t sure how bad your injuries were. You look great, so…” Her eyes darted to mine and she cringed.
I decided to put her out of her misery, or all of us out of this painful conversation. “We’ll be at the Lake tonight.” I knew I sounded dismissive, but where had my confident, slightly bitchy teammates gone? It was disturbing to see them like this, walking on eggshells.
“Great!” Hanna said, clapping her hands together. Okay, I guess all they needed was a little reassurance. They were both beaming now.
“See you tonight!” Shantal called a bit too loudly as she spun to walk away.
I turned back to our circle. “That was weird,” I mumbled.
The guys looked like they were trying not to laugh. Spike said, “I’ve been watching those girls eye us, getting up the courage to come over here.”
“What? Why would they be scared of me? They’ve been playing soccer with me since we were eleven years old. Those two have at least.”
Cruz moved an arm around my waist and slid me closer to his side. “I wonder if people think I’ll beat up anyone who talks to us now.”
“No dude, you’re too friendly and nice,” Spike argued. “It’s Jeremy. I bet they’re scared of him.”
“Oh come on,” Emmett said in that way he had like we were all being dense. “People are always weird like that when we’re all together. It’s still new for Hazel.”
Bodhi tapped his chin with an index finger. “It’s gotten worse though since Cruz’s little crusade last weekend. After Thursday night and the article this morning about the hitmen? This entire year is going to be weird.”
Moody crossed his arms. “If we want more people to talk to us, we need to disperse in these situations.”
“Disperse?” Spike asked with a chuckle. “I don’t want anyone else to talk to me.”
“What about getting action?” I reminded him, waggling my eyebrows. “You wouldn’t have to limit yourself to parties.”
Spike pointed at me. “Excellent point. Thinking like a player now, Hazel, I like it.”
“Hazel’s not a player,” Cruz defended me, but there was laughter in his voice.
“Just helping out my friends. Or you know, you could go over and talk to girls, ask them on dates, hang out with them one-on-one,” I suggested.
“That’s a novel concept,” Em muttered.
“Don’t get crazy now,” Bodhi answered.
“That would take way too much effort. Totally unnecessary. Especially now that we’re like, this superhero’s sidekicks,” Spike said from the other side of Cruz, giving him a light shoulder shove.
Hanna and Shantal must have opened the floodgates because a couple more people approached us, followed by a couple more, and then we were surrounded. Maybe dispersing wasn’t a great idea. Safety in numbers, at least when it came to the students at Defiance Falls High.
Chapter Fourteen
Cruz
I watched Hazel from the hood of her truck. We’d set up that frisbee game with giant cans that looked like trash bins and she had just sent the frisbee directly into the tiny slot that no one else had managed to hit yet.
I felt a hundred times better than yesterday after sleeping for sixteen hours straight, but I wasn’t drinking. I needed my head operating back at full capacity, and wasn’t about to do anything to slow that down.
With Hazel’s shot, Spike and Emmett were out of the game, and Isaiah and Landon took their places.
“Why are you looking all mopey over here, man?” Spike asked as he jumped up on the hood beside me.
“It’s ‘cause Bodhi got Hazel to be on his team and now she’s gonna be winning all night instead of cuddling your ass,” Emmett proclaimed as he positioned himself just far enough out of my reach that I couldn’t whack him in the back of the head.
“I’m not that pathetic. Don’t be projecting your cuddling fetish on me, man.”
“I know, but it’s nice to finally be able to tease you about it. Used to be we couldn’t even talk about Hazel without you getting all moody.”
I didn’t deny it. I couldn’t. “So what’s the deal then?” Spike pushed. “Your head feeling okay?”
“Yeah, it’s good. Can’t I sit back and chill for a minute without getting the third degree?”
I knew the answer to that though. And Emmett was happy to remind me.
“Uh no, you can’t. You couldn’t get away with it before, and now? The only reason you’re not surrounded is because people are kind of scared of you, thinking you took on half the Harvard hockey team solo and then helped take out three hitmen hired by the Malones. But they are staring. And talking.”
“I thought you wanted this party, man. What’s up?” Spike never let me get away with shit.
I leaned back until my head rested on the windshield. “We’ve finally got the upper hand,” I told the night sky, letting my words drift up. It felt like a confession, a showing of weakness, but I also knew I couldn’t keep it to myself. “But I don’t trust myself with it, you know?”
They didn’t say anything, and the sounds from the party were only background noise now as I felt them watching me, waiting.
“There are so many ways I can fuck it up now. So many more moves we still have to make. Yeah, they aren’t the big ones we’ve had up until now, but I feel their weight more.” That was it, the weight of responsibility, it was hitting me full force. “Braven’s going to be mine, really mine, without Malone interference. Not now, not until I’m done with college and shit, but eventually. And Hazel…” I wasn’t proud of how weak I sounded, but these guys were my family. And last weekend I showed them just how vulnerable I was. They deserved to know where my head was at right now. “Maybe it’s all about her. I don’t want to fuck up and ruin her life.”
“Dude,” Emmett said before I could continue on my pitiful little rampage, “that’s why you left her three years ago. Don’t g
o there again. She’s here now, where she wants to be, where she belongs.”
Spike nudged my knee with his. “Cruz, we know it’s not inheriting Braven Pharma that’s getting to you, so don’t bother going there. Besides, you know we’ll all work there with you someday if you need people you can trust. And that’s like, years away. This is about Hazel, but just look at her, man, she’s good. She’s a total badass.”
I sat up on my elbows to watch her high-five her cousin. She was finally mine, and had proven she could handle this world. Why was I hiding over here again?
“It’s like you two were saying earlier,” Spike said, turning to face me. “When we were swimming at the dock before everyone got here.”
“Which part?” I asked, forcing my eyes off Hazel to look at Spike.
“We’re used to being the underdog, and now we’re the powerhouse.”
“Spike, are we still talking about Cruz’s hang-up with finally getting the girl he’s been wanting back for three years, or are we back to Malone biz? Wait, I thought we weren’t going to talk Malone biz tonight.”
“No, this is about Hazel. Just stick with me.” Spike rubbed his palms together like he was having an epiphany. “So you’re used to not having her, to being in waiting mode, and now you’ve got her, so you’re like, in waiting mode wondering when you’re going to fuck it all up and lose her.”
Emmett let out a groan. “Is this supposed to be a pep talk? Because I don’t think you’re really giving our guy the confidence boost he needs right now.”
I had to smile. “Nah, you’re both right. I’m being a pansy. I’d blame it on the TBI, but it’s fear that’s rocking me right now. I don’t want to lose her.”
“Why would you? You won’t.” That came from Spike.
I sighed. “I think I have a temper problem. Like you said, when I didn’t have her, I didn’t feel the weight of all my decisions so hard. Now I second-guess how much emotion is ruling them.” The need to protect Hazel was hot in my lungs and I felt it with each breath. So far, I hadn’t done a great job at that. Sure she was safer now than she had been before, but I knew I couldn’t eradicate every possible threat, even if I wanted to.
“It’ll settle,” Emmett said, his eyes following mine to our girl.
“Not soon enough. You know she’s meant to do her recruit trip next weekend at UMass.”
Emmett’s head snapped back to me at that. I saw it there, for a brief second, the same panic I had at the thought of it.
Spike was quick to reassure us though. “It might not be our turf but it’s not the Malones’ either. She’ll be fine.”
Maybe, but it was one more decision I was struggling with. “We have to be there. Should we see if we can get a recruit visit too so we’re on campus?”
Emmett shook his head, smirking. “No one’s gonna buy it. Especially if you go. Everyone knows you’re goin’ to Harvard.”
After what happened last weekend, I couldn’t just let her go unprotected. Could I? Shit, it wasn’t like we did much to help her then anyway.
“Maybe she’ll change her mind. We all know she’ll go to Harvard with the rest of us. She’s just not ready to admit it yet.”
I hoped he was right. But first we had to clean up the mess I’d made there.
We watched Bodhi and Hazel win another round of the frisbee game before we got up to join them.
A movement from the path in the woods caught my attention and I saw Moody stepping into the clearing a second later. Behind him was Meg, a girl he’d hooked up with before.
Meg hung around with Kai’s friends, and while I wasn’t all that surprised she was at the party, I was surprised that Moody had hooked up with her again. I knew he wasn’t that into her, and while on her own she might have been easy and no strings, her connection to Kai made her complicated.
“What the hell is Moody up to?” Spike muttered beside me, voicing my own thoughts.
A frisbee hit me in the chest then and I looked up to find Bodhi grinning at me. “Want to take Hazel’s spot on the winning team? Not sure you can fill her shoes, but you can try.”
My eyes narrowed as I watched Hazel walking off in the opposite direction. She was headed toward the woods, so I could only guess she was going to the bathroom or something. But I’d been in my own head avoiding her all night as I sulked, and now watching her walk away from me felt weirdly like I was getting ditched. What was up with all these insecurities coming out of nowhere?
I tossed the frisbee back to Bodhi. “Sure man, I’m in.”
One game went by and then another, with no sign of Hazel. Most people peed in the woods at these parties, and Hazel wasn’t one to bat an eyelash over it, so I doubted she’d walked all the way to the cabin.
“Where’d Hazel go?” I asked Bodhi for the second time.
“Told you, she said she was taking a break.” Bodhi glanced around. “I’m ready for one too. Come on, we’ll find her.”
Hazel wasn’t by the campfire, or by the keg, or the group playing hacky sack. My eyes darted from one group to the next, hoping to land on her. She was a true social butterfly, floating from one circle to the next effortlessly in these situations. But I didn’t spot her or hear her voice.
I started for the path in the woods we’d taken on my eighteenth birthday down to the dock. It had somehow remained off limits over the years to everyone else, an unspoken rule of sorts.
“I know parties are still a new thing for Haze,” Bodhi was saying, “but does she have to disappear on us? Last time she said she needed space, and I got why. That was the same night we told her everything, but now what’s up?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I answered. “Hazel does what she wants. For all I know she decided to go for a solo swim.”
We started down the path but then heard loud bass coming from the party. “Bet Nick brought his huge-ass speakers in again.”
Bodhi laughed. “Yeah, he loves getting the dance parties going. Horny bastard. I know how his mind works. Girls drink more when they dance, and when they dance they also loosen up.”
“You mean lower their standards?”
“I was trying to be diplomatic.”
“Uh-huh.”
We got to the end of the trail and walked out onto the dock. It was another clear night, just like on my birthday. But no sign of Hazel. Bodhi and I shared a look but we didn’t spell it out. If we did, it would make it real. We walked back through the dark woods, and my heart was hammering in my chest. The pounding I hadn’t felt since yesterday returned with a vengeance. We didn’t even know if she was missing and I was already shaking with rage. What had my disappearance done to Hazel and the guys? I’d known I’d fucked up, but now I understood just how harmful my unchecked emotions could be.
It was only this realization that kept me from overreacting when I walked into the clearing. As expected, the music was pulsing a popular pop song. People had congregated near the speakers and bodies were swaying and bouncing with the beat. Hazel stood out like a vision, hair flowing down her back, arms raised in the air, hips shaking. But she wasn’t alone. Isaiah Cross was standing right behind her, and when his hands reached for her waist, I nearly lost it.
Bodhi didn’t stop me, but I stopped myself. She was safe. Happy. Enjoying herself. That was all that mattered. I repeated it like a mantra in my head. Hazel was good. This was not a crisis. Chill. Taking a deep breath, I walked with forced calmness toward the scene in front of me.
Chapter Fifteen
Hazel
I am sexy. I am awesome. I am confident.
The mantra I’d chanted to myself to prepare for my first Lake party weeks ago was no longer necessary. I felt all those things as I closed my eyes and threw my head back, singing the lyrics to a catchy pop song. Everything was falling into place, and I finally felt like I belonged. Like I knew who I was and where my place was.
The air around me shifted from smooth and easy to sharp and crackling and my eyes snapped open. Cruz stood in front of me
, dark eyes dilating and jaw ticking.
I frowned and slowed my movements. “Everything okay?”
Cruz’s eyes cut over my shoulder and I turned my chin. Isaiah Cross was retreating with his hands in the air, pleading innocence. Really? Really?
I swung my gaze back to Cruz. His brow was furrowed and I pressed my lips together and pulled him to me. He hardly budged, his body like stone as he fought an internal battle. His eyes continued to follow Isaiah, I assumed, from over my head.
“Cruz, look at me.”
He did, but his expression didn’t soften one bit. I sighed, took his hand, and dragged him behind me. Something was up with him, and we weren’t going to dance around it. He came with me, neither of us speaking, and before I knew it we were standing under the same tree where we had our first kiss all those years ago.
I spun around to face him and his eyes were drifting up the hill all the way to the dancing crowd we’d left behind. “I should go make it clear to Isaiah that you aren’t his to touch.”
“He wasn’t touching me, Cruz.” I immediately dismissed the idea.
Cruz’s eyes swung back to me. “He was. He had his hands on your waist. He was practically touching your ass! How did you not notice that?”
I squinted at Cruz, trying to determine if he’d imagined it or if I’d been too wrapped up in my little dancing zone to notice.
“If he touched me, it was barely a graze, okay? I can handle myself, Cruz.”
Cruz crossed his arms and rested his head back on the tree. He looked torn up, and I almost took pity on him, but first I needed to set some things straight. Especially while I was feeling sexy and confident.
“There will always be guys like Kai and Isaiah. I’m a badass, Cruz. I’ve got soccer moves most guys can’t even handle, and my boobs would be all-state too if that was a thing. So, figure out a way to handle your jealousy or you won’t get to touch my boobs again.”
Cruz’s stiff shoulders dropped a bit and I watched his hard jaw relax. It wasn’t a smile, but it was something.
