by Dean, Ali
“Oh, so we can’t have problems now that we’re together? Is that it?” We were inches apart, but we were practically yelling at each other. “You’ve never even had a girlfriend, Bodhi, so how can you say that?”
“I’ve never had a girlfriend, Hazel, because the only girl I want to be with can’t be with me. Ever.”
He said it with finality and silence filled the car. My shoulders slumped and the anger left me. So that’s what this was about.
“Can’t you though? Be with her, now?”
“Hell no. The Malones might not be invincible anymore, but they can still order a hit from prison. Sure security will be higher now that they tried it once, but how could I be with her knowing I’m putting her at risk?”
We’d discussed this just yesterday. We knew the chances of the Malones doing something like that now were close to zero.
Bodhi must have read the question in my expression because he continued, “This all just happened. If they catch wind that Ruby’s with me they’ll immediately suspect she was helping us. She only broke up with Neil a few days ago.”
“In the hospital?”
“Yeah.” Bodhi glanced out the window. “I’ve got my own reasons to be pissed at Cruz. If he was going to go the fists route, it was me who deserved to take out Neil, not him. He knows how badly I’ve wanted that.”
“What an asshole,” I deadpanned.
Bodhi scoffed and shook his head. “I’m outta here. You’re going straight home, right?”
Bodhi opened the door but I put on a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. “Bodhi, just give it a little time. After some time passes, you can be with her.”
“I’m not going to risk her life for a shot with her, Haze. Besides,” he added as he stepped out of the car, turning around and walking backwards, “you two are finally together and look at you.” He slammed the door shut before I had a chance to respond.
Chapter Twenty
Cruz
“You didn’t head to the Spot or meet up with Hazel or the guys tonight.” Gramps’s voice came from behind me. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before shutting it, and turned to face him.
“Dad was having a rough night. I didn’t want to leave.” It was now Wednesday, the fourth night in a row I hadn’t hung out with the group. Or Hazel.
Gramps didn’t answer straight away. He took a seat at a counter stool. “You staying here tonight?”
It was ten PM and I was wearing nothing but sweatpants. “Yeah, Gramps. I’m here for the night.” I didn’t need a babysitter sleeping with me anymore. I’d felt myself for several days now, no headaches or sudden fatigue.
Gramps just sat there watching me as I took a sip of water. He had something on his mind and I waited, knowing he’d hit me with it eventually.
Placing my hands on the counter, I leaned forward, finally breaking the silence myself. “Dad seems to have forgotten about talking to Seamus. So, that’s a good thing at least.”
Mitch nodded. “It is.” He clasped his hands in front of him. “I don’t know how many days like Thursday or Friday we have left with him, Cruz. Today was…” His voice broke and he looked down at his hands, unable to finish.
“It was the worst yet,” I finished plainly. He hadn’t yelled at us, but he’d had trouble forming words and sentences. Seeing him that helpless broke my heart more than when he’d verbally attacked me at the hospital last week.
Gramps eyes came back up to mine but he couldn’t hold them. He closed them before reopening. “It was. And you weren’t here earlier. He took a nap and woke up a little better. This morning, he… well, he didn’t know who I was.” That had already happened to Gramps, so I knew there was more, but I wouldn’t force him to tell me.
“I saw the Depends, Gramps,” I said softly. Dad was wearing adult diapers now, and if that was hard for me to see, I couldn’t imagine what it was like for his own father.
“We’re going to need to move him to a facility soon, Cruz. It’s getting more difficult to take care of him here.”
I pushed off the counter, unable to hold still or look at my grandfather breaking down in front of me. He rarely spoke to me about these things. Outside of Uncle Cliff, there wasn’t really anyone else to confide in. Besides, it was time I manned up and faced what was happening.
“Cruz.” I stopped pacing, recognizing that tone. There was something else he wanted to talk to me about, and it wasn’t Dad.
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re spending time with your dad. He is too, even when he can’t say so. But he also wouldn’t want you to use what’s happening to him to hide from something else.”
My hands went to my hips at the same time my brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m proud of you. Your dad’s proud of you. Your mom would be proud of you too. All that you’ve taken on and everything you’ve done to facilitate ending this war with the Malones, it was essential to being able to run Braven Pharma free of them. And you will.”
He paused and took a deep breath. Before he could continue, I jumped in. “You really want to get into a discussion about Braven Pharma right now, Gramps? I know we’ve been putting it on the back burner but the plan there hasn’t changed. I’m going to Harvard. I’m going to play soccer at Harvard. I’ll stay connected with everything going on at Braven but I’m not going to be taking on any role until I graduate.”
Gramps put his hand up. “That’s not where I was going, Cruz.” He reached for the stool beside him and pushed it out.
“Have a seat.”
I didn’t want to sit, but I obeyed.
“Are we going to officially announce Dad’s retirement?” A cold sweat was starting at the base of my neck as I tried to figure out where Gramps was going with this “we’re proud of you” speech. I mean, I appreciated the sentiment, sure, but at the end of the day I hadn’t done all that much. It was him and Jeremy who’d carried the brunt of the workload.
“Not yet, and no, that’s not what I want to talk to you about. You’ve had a lot on your plate for a long time. Maybe even before your mom died, you had more responsibilities than most kids your age, and that’s never changed.”
Gramps put a hand on my knee but I didn’t interrupt him, not this time.
“I’m worried about you, Cruz. I know you can handle just about anything. Hell, if we needed you to take over Braven Pharma tomorrow you’d probably figure out how to do it. But that’s just it. There’s a line between handling your responsibilities and using them to avoid living your own life.”
His words were like a blow to my chest and hit me so hard I actually jerked back in my seat. “Gramps, what’s going on? You’re freaking me out here.”
“Nothing’s going on, Cruz. And that’s just it. We achieved what we set out to achieve with the Malones. You have permission to live your life now.”
A drop of cold sweat trickled down my back. “And what do you think I’m doing? I’ve come straight here every day after school, finally taking time with Dad, with you, my family.”
Gramps nodded. “Yes. But when was the last time you hung out with Hazel?”
“Seriously, Gramps? You’re asking about Hazel? I see her every day at school. And she’s the one who wanted me to deal with what was happening with Dad and stop avoiding it.”
“And you are. But what about her? Why are you avoiding her?”
I hopped up from the stool, startled by the question. I’d deny it, but that would be a lie. How did he know I was avoiding her? Maybe we’d been having quickies between classes for all he knew.
“She’s got her visit at UMass this weekend,” I said, looking out the sliding glass door to the expansive backyard. “We’re both really busy.” I rubbed the back of my neck, knowing how dumb this sounded.
Gramps didn’t say anything and after a moment I turned to look at him. He was watching me, and his eyes were sad.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Gramps?”
“It’s okay to be scared, Cruz.”
“I’m not scared. The Malones are in a corner right now; they already tried to pull strings to get to Hazel and failed. Sure, Branden and Sean are still going to school but we’re watching them and they’re lying low, trying to keep from ending up behind bars too.”
Gramps got up out of his chair. “That’s not the kind of fear I was talking about. Not really.”
He started walking away toward the stairs. Weren’t we in the middle of a conversation? When he turned around, it was only to say goodnight. I was left standing there, wondering what the old man was getting at. Fear? It was the first time in my life I had nothing to be afraid of. I was finally accepting, truly accepting, Dad’s diagnosis, in a way I never had before. I’d run all the potential moves by the Malones through my head, and I did it constantly. We had that situation locked down and no one would retaliate, not now that they knew what we were capable of. So what did he think I was afraid of? Hazel was the one who seemed intent on avoiding me. I’d tried to get through to her and only fucked it up more. I was better off letting her stew and ride out whatever was going on. She’d come to me when she was ready, right?
* * *
“You two in a stalemate or something?” Spike asked. It was after practice on Thursday, and we were meeting at the Spot. Even though the discussion was about the Harvard hockey team, Hazel had just group texted to tell us she had a paper due tomorrow she hadn’t started.
“She told us to go ahead with the plan without her,” Emmett said. “What the fuck?”
All four guys were glaring at me. Jeremy and Gramps had given us the green light to handle the Harvard guys without them, since they were busy with investigation stuff and Braven Pharma, which was in a bit of turmoil as we’d expected. The glares from the guys told me they were pissed my relationship issues with Hazel were affecting our group.
“It’s not about me,” I protested. “I think she wants to go back to her old ways and ditch us.”
“No. No way,” Emmett said, shaking his head. “Why are you being so extra, Cruz? It’s not like you.”
Bodhi nearly growled at me, “That’s bullshit, man, and you know it.” He’d been particularly hostile to me this week, and I wondered what Hazel had said to him.
“I didn’t do anything wrong, you guys. I don’t know what her deal is. I tried talking to her and she shut me down, got even more pissed.”
“So that’s it?” Moody asked. “Please don’t tell me it’s going to be another three years of misery we have to sit around witnessing. I can’t endure that again.”
My entire body tightened at his words. “What? No! We didn’t break up, you guys. None of you have been in a relationship so don’t give me this shit. Sometimes couples need space. It’s normal.”
“Not this crap again,” Bodhi grumbled.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Spike warned, “and it will be another three years.”
My blood was running hot at their jabs. “Come on, let’s hear what Moody’s got on the hockey players and get this done.”
“No.”
My eyes darted to Moody, the least likely one to say that to me. But he was looking me straight in the eye. “We’ll do it when Hazel’s with us. She lied. She’s at Patriot Taphouse with her dad. I mean, maybe she does have a paper to write, but she’s got time to go out to eat.”
He was tracking their location, and while it gave me peace of mind, it was a little disturbing another dude knew more about my girlfriend’s whereabouts than I did.
“Oh come on, she has to eat. You know those two can’t cook for shit so they go all the time.” She wasn’t ditching us. That was ridiculous.
“She’s avoiding us,” Emmett declared, dismissing my statement.
“No, she’s avoiding this idiot,” Spike said, jabbing a thumb in my direction.
“This is just like fucking freshman year,” Bodhi said. “Except this time, I’m not losing Hazel because you two aren’t together.” He stormed out, and the others followed, presumably going to Patriot Taphouse. A few minutes later, I was left alone, again. Bodhi’s words rung in my ears. “You two aren’t together.” That wasn’t what was happening here. They didn’t understand. Glancing at my watch, I saw I still had time to make it back to Gramps’s place and spend some time with Dad. As I swung a leg over my motorcycle and started the engine, I was struck with a craving to have her arms around my waist and the feel of her pressed against my back. I shook it off. It wasn’t new. I’d had it each time I’d gotten on my bike the past couple of days.
I wouldn’t chase the guys to Patriot Taphouse though. They’d chosen her, for tonight. And I was choosing Dad.
Chapter Twenty-One
Hazel
Friday morning, Cruz didn’t show for class. Once again, I was in panic mode and burning a hole in the classroom door as I begged him to walk through it. I checked my phone and nothing. I knew Moody had given him a new phone.
Cruz had come to me last night sometime around 1 AM, and I didn’t hear him leave. It was the first time he’d done that in weeks, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I’d been half asleep when I felt the side of my bed dip. He’d pulled me across his chest, kissed my forehead, and told me to go back to sleep. Maybe it had all been a dream.
My chest was tight and my stomach was in knots when the bell rang at the end of first period. Where was he? My mind instantly went to the worst possible conclusions. He’d been arrested. One of the Malones who wasn’t in prison had gotten to him. Mitch’s house was set on fire. The hockey team decided to go another round on him before we got a chance to retaliate.
I could barely breathe as the throngs of students filled the hallway. Escaping into the girls’ restroom, I splashed cold water on my face and took some deep breaths. As I went into a stall, I vowed that if he had gone off on his own to do something stupid again, I’d strangle him myself.
After taking care of business and checking my phone again, I kicked the flush handle with my foot. Hitting his name on my phone, I brought the cell to my ear as I swung open the stall door.
Before it could ring I looked up to find Cruz himself leaning against the bathroom counter, hands in his pockets, looking oh-so-casual. I blinked, looked around and confirmed it was empty. There’d been girls in here when I first came in so he must have shooed them out.
My heart pounded in my chest at the sight of him. Relief clashed with anger and frustration as I stared back at him. Right, and the usual mix of heat and butterflies. Those eyes, so dark and deep I could sink right into them.
Wait, no. Hadn’t I just vowed to strangle him a few minutes ago? Breaking eye contact, I swept past him and went to the sink to wash my hands.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hazel, we need to talk.” He sounded so broken, it made me want to hug him. But he had some explaining to do. I turned to the hand dryer and took my time before facing him.
“You want to talk now? Here?”
He dropped his chin and scratched the back of his neck. “I guess I really do have a thing with getting you alone in restrooms, huh?”
Neither of us laughed.
“Where were you this morning?” I bit out.
“My dad. I was with him. He’s had a bad few days. Really bad. But this morning, he wanted to hang with me. He was more like himself and I just wanted that time with him. I don’t know how much more I’ll have like that.”
My rigid posture softened as he spoke and the tension in my chest melted. He was being genuine right now.
I stepped closer to him, not wanting that space between us. “That’s good, Cruz. Really good.” It was. I was happy for him, but my heart still ached.
“I should have texted you. I know I need to be better about that. I’m not used to checking in. I know we all need to do it for a while, but that’s new for me.”
He took a deep breath. “Come here,” he said, reaching both hands out. I shook my head, not trusting myself to say what n
eeded to be said if I got too close. Instead, I hopped up on the other side of the counter. He shifted to face me. “You’re still pissed at me, aren’t you?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. Not anymore. Instead I focused on the most recent action – or inaction – that had upset me. “You scared me, Cruz, when you didn’t show for first period. Stop doing that.”
“Scaring you?”
“Yeah. Disappearing. Whatever is going on with you, you can’t just up and leave.”
“I didn’t up and leave. I’ve been at school every day. I just missed class this morning.”
He knew what I was saying, but if he needed me to spell it out, I would. “I’m not just talking about going physically MIA, Cruz. You’re detached. That scares me too.”
“I’m not detached,” he protested, but it was only half-hearted. “I was about to beat up Isaiah Cross just the other day. I’m never detached when it comes to you, Hazel.”
“Oh really? Is that why you’ve barely spoken two words to me since then?”
“It’s my dad, Hazel. You wanted me to face what was happening with him, spend time with him. That’s what I’ve been doing.”
I leaned back against the mirror. People kept trying to open the restroom door and found it locked. Now the bell was ringing for second period but I didn’t care. I needed to set some things straight and I was going to do it right here right now.
Leaning forward, I made sure he was focused on me. “Cruz, we’re in a relationship. Any other relationship, a few days without talking much would be no big deal, it would be perfectly cool with me actually. Obligatory daily check-ins would piss me off if any other guy expected that of me. And hell, I don’t even want that with you. But we’re different, Cruz. I know you. I know how you are when you’re with me, really with me, and I know you don’t want to give me that right now. Something is up with you, and you aren’t telling me. I feel it. And I don’t like it. We can’t keep things from each other. Not again. If we do, it will destroy us. This is all or nothing, Cruz, okay? So you decide.”
