by Joshua Guess
Will’s nod was so small Emily wondered if she imagined it for a moment. “Go on.”
Emily cleared her throat. “It’s good that we teach kids all the basic skills. Food, water, shelter, and so on. But I think of that as primary school. What I’m proposing is...not quite high school, I guess. More like vocational training. Say a year where everyone studies a little of everything. Scouting, front line group combat like our Spartan squads use, single combat specialists like Mason or Kell, even infiltrator training. We’ve seen how useful spies can be. Then in second year we graduate them to a mix of general classes and specialty training.”
She saw the spark of interest ignite in Will’s eyes. “Wait, you want to do this over the course of years?”
Emily laughed. “Yeah, obviously. You think I’m going to take a kid with a few months of training and drop them in the field alone? Come on, dude.”
“Assuming I get behind this...survivor school or academy or whatever you want to call it, you’re also asking me to remove Kate from her position. Doing that to my girlfriend is bad enough, but on a professional level it seems like a bad move. She’s very good at what she does.”
“Ah, no,” Emily said. “It’s no secret I’m not much of a fan, and even her own people think she’s too blasé about the way she risks lives, but I’m not asking to be in charge of the scout program. I just want to train the kids.”
Will was a smart guy. A very smart guy. He knew perfectly well that Emily was saying part of her reason for wanting this was because Kate was too cavalier in how she treated lives. Having worked under Kate in the job, and very much not wanting to waste away in her retirement, this was something she could do that might save the lives of the next generation. It was an investment in the future more subtle than those who worked the ground or constructed buildings made, but real nonetheless.
“You know, I could probably make a case to Kate that the council to put you in charge of the scouts,” Will said after a long pause. “It would give you some of what you want without having the pour a bunch of extra resources into a school.”
Emily shook her head. “No. Like you said, it’s a minefield. I don’t want that. Kate would probably slit my throat while I was sleeping.”
“Bullshit,” Will said. “That’s not your reason.”
Emily’s forehead scrunched up in confusion. “Huh?”
Will rested his elbows on the desk between them. “I was testing the waters, trying to figure out what your angle here is. Kate has mentioned more than once that you two don’t get along. She even told me why. And she has made it clear that she isn’t married to the job she’s doing. I could make a good case for letting you take over, because despite the fact that she hates your guts, she’s a pragmatist. She respects your ability. I was just trying to figure out why you don’t want it, but I’m coming up short.”
Emily was actually kind of impressed. Will was good at this. Not many people could lie and obfuscate in casual conversation that way. Saying whatever worked best to widen the cracks in a person’s defense without preparing ahead of time was hard to do. For a brief moment, she felt a pang of regret that he wasn’t an infiltrator under her command. He’d have been brilliant at it.
“It’s the fighting,” Emily finally said. “I’m trying to minimize my field time as much as possible. I can’t just sit around and do nothing. I want to help. But I can’t put my neck on the line every day like I have been doing.”
It was honest. It was true. She hoped he’d leave it at that. Had the conversation gone differently, he might have.
“If this is something you truly think will help Haven in the long term, I’ll consider it,” he said. “If you can give me proposals and estimates, provide detailed plans, I’ll even fight for it. But you have to tell me why. I need to know what’s changed. I won’t trust someone to teach our kids how to survive in the worst circumstances if they’re not willing to fight themselves. I need you to tell me why.”
So she did.
Epilogue Three
Kell
He found her on the roof of the Hangar hours after her meeting with Will. She sat on a blanket with a basket full of food, watching the stars as was her habit. She knew he was coming—a man Kell’s size didn’t walk across a roof unnoticed—but waited until he was laying on the blanket next to her to speak.
“So, I’m pregnant,” Emily said casually.
“About six weeks,” Kell agreed.
She jumped next to him, a sort of full-body flex that ended with Emily on her side facing him. “You knew? Will made me tell him and I was up here furious that he heard it first and you fucking knew already?”
Kell deftly looped an arm around her neck and pulled her close, laughing warmly. “Honey, I don’t know if you remember, but biology is kinda my thing. I had enough school to know the signs. Also don’t forget that this isn’t my first rodeo with pregnancy. Sorry if I ruined your big reveal.”
She grunted into his chest, where her head rested. “It’s fine. I didn’t care about making a show. I just felt shitty that I had to tell Will first.”
“Well,” Kell said, putting a bit of stress on the word, “you didn’t have to. You could have told me any time.”
He felt her flinch just a little against him. Not in fear, but perhaps in guilt. “I didn’t...I knew it would bring up a lot of things for you. I wanted to, but I also didn’t want to hurt you.”
Kell sighed. Above him, the stars twinkled. He knew it was because of turbulence in the atmosphere, yet the sight of a thousand-thousand randomly sparkling diamonds above him was no less pretty for that. “I appreciate the thoughtfulness, I really do. But it’s not like you. Of all the people in my life, you’re the last one I’d expect to hold something like that back to spare my feelings. You’re the one who took the time and had the patience to teach me that everyone has the right to feel how they feel. You taught me to speak up and deal with this kind of stuff rather than stew about it.”
Emily sat up, moving away from him a little in the process. She put both of her hands on his right. “Yeah, I know. Honestly, part of it was you losing your family...”
“Karen and Jennifer,” Kell said lightly. “It’s okay to say their names. And it’s not like I’m unique in that regard.”
“No, I know that,” Emily said. “But I’m not with everyone else. I don’t lay next to them when they have nightmares about the day they lost their loved ones. Please don’t get me wrong, there is no part of me that’s hurt by that. I’m not jealous or anything. I didn’t want to bring all of it back up because yes, I thought it would hurt you, but also because some part of me worried you’d always be making comparisons. That in the back of your mind, they would always be the measuring stick. It’s not logical, I get that. But it’s how I feel.”
Kell could only give an honest answer. “I’ll try as hard as I can to prove you wrong.”
Emily looked down at him with a slightly disbelieving look on her face. “Not the response I expected. I figured you’d try to break down the reasons why that’s not true, explain all the little ways I was being ridiculous. I mean, I feel kind of ridiculous. This is all new territory for me.”
“Nope,” Kell said with a shake of his head. “I totally get it. You’ve nursed me through so much trauma. You’ve seen how much it damaged me. Being insecure is a sane reaction even if it’s not rooted in logic. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Feelings are kind of illogical by definition. I love you. Deeply and to a stupid degree. It’s not because you refused to give up when I shied away from you in the beginning, or because you’ve put in such a crazy amount of work to help and support me. Those things are part of it, but not the whole. I love you. The person you are. I can’t break that down into pieces and parts. There’s no math to do.”
He gave her small hands a gentle squeeze with his huge mitt. “I loved Karen and Jennifer. Still do, and always will. That doesn’t take away from how I feel about you, or how much I’ll love our baby.”
�
�I know that,” Emily said. “I promise I do.”
Kell nodded. “I believe you. I also know, partially because you’ve showed me, that you can understand something intellectually while feeling the opposite. Which is why the only promise I can make you is exactly what I said. I’ll do what I can to prove those feelings wrong. It won’t be perfect. I’m kind of an idiot with this stuff, but I’ll promise to listen if you promise to talk.”
Emily freed one of her hands and gently ran the knuckles of her fingers down the scar on his face. “So you’re happy? This is good news?”
Kell threw back his head and laughed. It was a rare, rich sound. “God, yes. The day Jennifer was born was the best day of my life. I’m looking forward to setting a new record.”
“Good,” Emily said. “I didn’t want to have to hurt you.”
She was smiling, and the world wavered for a second. Kell felt no shame about the tears welling up, but he blinked them back. He wanted this moment etched in his memory with perfect clarity. Not because it was perfect, as nothing ever was, but because it was beautiful. A warm recollection to fall back on when the world felt dark and cold.
The family he had lost had for so long been his light in the darkness. Yes, there was pain in holding those memories close, but if your choice is dying from the cold or getting burned, there’s not much choice at all.
The deep-down truth of it was that Kell wouldn’t have traded the years of wracking guilt and reliving the pain of that loss for anything. Because without them, he would have given up long ago. They were life in miniature, accepting the potential for terrible pain and failure for the chance at something breathtakingly amazing.
That was the deal everyone got. You took a risk because something greater might grow from it. With Karen and Jennifer, the balance hadn’t been in anyone’s favor. Kell knew that, understood it on a fundamental level. But he thought his lost love would smile at him now, probably with a bit of frustration that it had taken him this long.
He had never been a religious man, but as Kell watched the stars, he sent a silent thanks to the family he’d lost for giving him the strength to make it long enough to start again with a new one. Without those good times, he would not have survived long enough to truly live again.
Author's Note
I generally try to stay away from writing these things, but sometimes I can't help myself. Now that you've reached the end of Kell's story, I can say a few things without spoiling this book for anyone. The first is that while his arc is over, the world of Living With the Dead/The Fall is far from finished. LWtD was phase one, The Fall was phase two. Phase three will be, with your support, bigger than the other two. I have plans.
And don't fret! Kell is alive, and any character that is alive has the chance to show up in any book set in the same universe. I'm planning a young adult series based around Michelle, as well as a Mason solo book which could also grow into a series. Both of those characters live in Haven. It would be strange for Kell not to appear at some point.
Rather than let this note sprawl into a huge, point by point explanation of my reasoning and thoughts, I'll save those things for Q&A on social media. Instead, let me say this:
Writing this series has been one of the best experiences of my life. Telling this story was a dream, and every one of you helped keep my career going long enough to see it through. Times are tough, and it looks like I'll be picking up a day job of some kind unless sales become spectacular in a very short period.
If so, that's just the way things are. I set myself a goal of finishing this book and putting it in your hands before having to find other paying work, and I did it.
We did it.
As always, thank you for that. Sincerely and deeply, thank you.
Joshua Guess
March 2017
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Also by Joshua Guess
The Fall
Victim Zero
Dead Will Rise
War of the Living
Genesis Game
Exodus in Black
Revelation Day
Carter Ash
The Saint
Living With the Dead
With Spring Comes The Fall
The Bitter Seasons
Year One (With Spring Comes The Fall, The Bitter Seasons, bonus material)
The Hungry Land
The Wild Country
This New Disease
American Recovery
Ever After
The Next Chronicle
Next
Damage
Black Sand
Earthfall
Ran
Apocalyptica ( Also serialized into multiple parts)
This Broken Veil
Misc
Beautiful (An Urban Fantasy)(Novel)
Soldier Lost (Short Story)
Dog Dreams In Color (Short Story)
With James Cook
The Passenger (Surviving The Dead)
