Finn’s head bobbed back in relief as she continued, “I did sleep with him though, and I don’t even know why. I’m so sorry, Finn. I screwed up.” She pulled away from him. “That’s another reason I left. I was so embarrassed.”
But Finn didn’t let go of her hand. “So, that means . . . ? We were always so careful about it, but—”
Lorna shrugged, then grinned. “Accidents happen.”
Not to Lorna, they didn’t. Lorna didn’t have accidents.
Finn whooped and picked her up off the floor. “That’s my kid in there? Oh, my God, this is totally the best day of my life! I’m gonna be such an awesome father!”
She laughed. “I know you will, Finn. You’ve always taken good care of me.”
Anguish flickered across Finn’s face. “But I didn’t try to save you when I should have,” he said. “By the time I realized . . . I didn’t think . . .”
“Sssh. You’re saving me now.” She whispered the words right into his mouth.
I slammed the cabin door behind me as I ran out, unable to listen to one more inexact truth, one more seductive lie. Lorna was afraid of her mother? Never. She was embarrassed about sleeping with Lucas? Not likely. But the worst deception of all was that Finn was the father of that baby. Whoever was the father, Lorna had chosen him very deliberately. It was no “accident.” But I knew Finn wouldn’t believe me, not me, the girl who dared to kiss him under the pier. Even if he found out the truth, what difference would it make?
Finn would never love me now.
28.
Why did I feel so stabbed and left for dead? I had no claim on Finn. One kiss on the beach, which I didn’t even see coming, was the beginning and the end. But the ache I couldn’t seem to outrun as I rushed away from the cabin was not only about losing Finn. It seemed as if I’d also lost my perfect friend, the heroine of my childhood. That Lorna was dead. More dead now than when I thought she’d been pulled beneath the waves by the ocean. It had taken me a long time to notice the imperfections in Lorna’s powerful personality, but now that I’d seen them, I couldn’t see anything else.
She’d needed us, but she hadn’t loved us. She’d made up the games and we’d followed along. Was it Lorna’s fault we adored her? No. Did she see our love as a weakness she could take advantage of? Maybe. How conscious was she of leading us where she wanted us to go?
As I headed for home, I forced myself to think about the future. College, photography, making art. I thought about Cooper. Thank God for Cooper, who was smart and sensible. Cooper, who I could count on. Who had beautiful eyes and a sexy smile that made my insides tremble. Cooper, who I knew now would be my first lover. In fact, maybe that should happen sooner rather than later. Maybe it should happen tonight.
I went home first to satisfy my mother that I wasn’t a wilting flower anymore. I sat at the table between my father and her and slugged down a bowl of fish stew, then slathered butter on a piece of bakery bread and forced that down too. Fortunately, they were, as usual, too tired by dinnertime to make much conversation. Dad grunted about how the weather had turned warm again as he scarfed down half a loaf of bread by himself. Mom said the color had come back to my cheeks—the walk in the sun had been a good idea.
“That Finn’s a good kid,” she said, a remarkable statement coming from the woman who previously believed the Rosenbergs were washashores who should all be sent back to whatever useless place they came from.
Despite my mother’s belief that the afternoon walk did me good, I was sure she wouldn’t want me to go out again after dinner. I didn’t want her waiting up for me to get home either, so I waited to sneak out until they’d fallen into bed at their usual early hour.
There was still a leftover orange glow in the sky over the bay as I walked down Commercial Street. I thought of calling ahead to make sure Cooper was home, but I’d never actually called him before, and the idea of talking to him on the phone seemed strange. I figured I’d know what to say when I looked into his eyes, but I couldn’t imagine finding the right words to say into that hunk of plastic. Was he my boyfriend if it seemed weird to phone him? Whatever. After tonight we’d be together and, for better or for worse, everybody would find out about it. Even Elsie.
I didn’t want to take the chance of bumping into anyone I knew, especially Finn, so I turned off the main street onto a darker, more secluded one and worked my way over to Jasper Street by a zigzag route. At some point I noticed someone walking about a block ahead of me, making all the same turns I intended to. A small man, I thought at first. He had a hooded sweatshirt pulled up over his hair, and he kept his eyes locked on the ground. But as I pulled a little closer, I changed my mind. It was a woman, for sure. A woman who walked quickly, lightly, barely touching the ground.
By the time I got to Bradford Street, the woman was passing beneath a streetlight. Even with her head low and her hair covered, I was sure it was Lorna. Where was she sneaking off to? Her mother’s house was in the opposite direction. I dropped back into the shadows, not sure if I was actually following Lorna or just walking the same way.
She turned onto Jasper Street and passed the Art Center, keeping her face turned in toward the hedges. Wait. What? This made no sense. Lorna seemed to be heading the same place I was: Cooper’s house.
I watched her pad down the sidewalk to the back door of the small clapboard cottage. Stomach churning, I ducked behind the neighbor’s fence to watch her. The hood fell back off her face as she stood peering into Cooper’s open kitchen window. From my hiding place I could see him too, sitting at his kitchen table, tapping on the computer. Writing something brilliant, no doubt, unaware that Lorna was hiding in the shadows outside his door like some creepy stalker. Should I do something? Call her name?
But then I saw her take a deep breath and knock on Cooper’s door, at first hesitantly, then hard, loud.
“Door’s open,” Cooper called out as he continued typing. Lorna hesitated for just a moment and then shoved the door open.
The moment she disappeared inside, I raced around the fence and down Cooper’s sidewalk. I folded myself onto the ground beneath the open window where I couldn’t be seen from the street. I didn’t dare peek inside, but I could still hear Cooper drumming on the keyboard so I figured he hadn’t turned around yet to see his visitor. The smell of curry and garlic wafted out through the window.
Finally the typing stopped and there was a pause before I heard a startled intake of breath. “Jesus Christ!” Well, Lorna must be happy with that response. Another person thoroughly shocked.
“Surprise! Apparently, I’m not dead.” Her voice was playful, almost flirtatious.
“I see that.”
A chair squeaked across the floor. Cooper must have stood up. “I can’t believe you’re here! Wow! I’m speechless.” Neither of them spoke for a moment and I wondered what looks were passing between them. And why. Then Cooper spoke again. “I’m sure there’s some long, crazy explanation for this, Lorna, but I don’t really have time for it right now. I have to finish this chapter tonight. I have a deadline—”
“That’s all you have to say when you find out I’m not dead? You have a chapter to finish?” Lorna sounded exceedingly pissed off.
I was surprised, too, by Cooper’s indifference, but it proved he didn’t really know her that well, didn’t it? Did Lorna think everybody ought to fall to their knees over her sudden reappearance?
“I’m sorry,” Cooper said, although it didn’t sound as if he meant it. “I’m glad to see you’ve somehow cheated death, but you really can’t be here. You know that.” He sighed heavily. “Does anybody else know you’re here? Does Finn know? Elsie?”
“Know I’m alive, you mean? A few people know, most don’t. I was waiting to talk to you before I made my big comeback.” I could almost hear the smile in her voice.
Wait, no. That couldn’t be why she came here. I tried my best to ignore the mounting evidence.
“I don’t see why you need to talk to me,” Cooper said
.
I didn’t know either. I wanted to shout, Leave him alone!
Lorna’s voice soared. “Because you’re the father, you asshat. Why do you think?”
My head fell backward and cracked into the wooden siding. It hit so hard it hurt, and I wanted to smack it again and again and again. I wanted to knock all the stupidity out of my brain. To cause pain to the idiot who had adored these two people, who believed in the mythology of Lorna and the tall tales of Cooper. Instead I let the tears slide silently down my cheeks and kept listening. I wanted to hear it all now, even if it mashed my mushy heart to pieces. I wanted to hear who’d been telling what lies for how long.
“I did it to protect you, Cooper,” Lorna said, a whimper in her voice now. Was she really such an excellent actress or was she telling the truth? How could I not know? “Your book was coming out and you didn’t want bad publicity. You said Elsie would fire you if she found out. I disappeared so you wouldn’t be hurt.”
Something heavy banged onto a countertop. A book? A fist?
“You expect me to believe that? You left to punish me, Lorna! You figured I’d be so miserable thinking you’d killed yourself that when you suddenly showed up again I’d proclaim my undying love. That was the plan, wasn’t it? You thought I’d marry you and we’d raise our little brat together.”
This was a different Cooper than the person I thought I knew, as hateful as “my” Cooper had been kind. They were silent. I wished I could see the looks on their lying faces. Finally, Lorna said, “I thought if you had time to think it over—”
“I’d change my mind? Jesus, Lorna, grow up.”
“So, you didn’t miss me at all?” Lorna’s voice hardened, then splintered into sharp pieces, which cut even me, sitting outside, hating her. “Were you glad I was dead?”
He sighed. “Of course I wasn’t glad. But, Lorna, you expect something from me that I can’t give you. You should have taken my original suggestion. Then we could have continued the way we were.”
“Abortion was not an option for me.”
Fish stew swirled unhappily in my gut. I didn’t know these people at all.
“Why not?” Cooper said. “You aren’t even religious. Nobody would have found out. We could have gone to Boston and—”
“Cooper, I have no family. At least none that’s worth anything. I wasn’t going to give up this chance!”
Cooper yelled so loud, the windows rattled. “You’re seventeen years old, for God’s sake! This isn’t your last chance to reproduce. Jesus, Lorna, I thought you were like me, that we were two loners who didn’t need a lot of bullshit family, who’d learned the hard way to only rely on ourselves.”
“Just because I don’t have a decent family doesn’t mean I don’t want one.”
He lowered his voice and I had the feeling he was standing close to Lorna now. I imagined him looking down at her with those dazzling eyes, breathing his spicy breath right in her face. “I’m going to tell you one more time. I don’t love anybody and I don’t want to love anybody. Are you listening to me, Lorna? If you tell anyone that baby is mine, I’ll deny it. I’ll make you look like a damn fool.”
I’d kissed this man. I thought I was in love with him. But he was as selfish and shameless as Lorna. Worse! At least she was trying to protect her child—he only wanted to protect himself. I was the damn fool in this story. I’d come over here thinking Cooper could save me. I was going to sleep with him!
I managed to stumble back down the sidewalk and into the street before my stomach revolted. Leaning into the neighbors’ bushes, I vomited up fish stew and four months’ worth of lies.
29.
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. Sometime in the middle of the night my anger dissolved into self-pity, and the crying wore me out enough that I fell into a half-asleep stupor. When the phone rang at six-thirty, I incorporated it into the dream I was having in which Lorna, in the white jacket, could not stop laughing at me.
“Jackie! Finn’s on the phone,” Mom yelled.
Memories of the day before smacked me in the face. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Finn.
“Tell him I’m sick,” I called downstairs. Sick and tired.
“Get up and talk to him. You don’t even know if you’re sick until you get up.”
I dragged myself out into the hall to the phone. “’Lo,” was all I could manage.
“I need to talk to you, Jackie. This morning. Before school.”
“Why?”
“You know why. I’ll pick you up in half an hour. We can drive out to Herring Cove. I’ll get coffee.” He hung up before I could argue with him.
My hair was still damp as I climbed reluctantly into Finn’s car. I’d stayed in the shower so long there wasn’t time to dry it, but twenty minutes of hot water beating on my face had not made confronting the day any more appealing.
Finn had picked up coffee and bagels from The Coffee Pot and I took a big gulp from my cup immediately.
“Careful! It’s hot,” Finn said, but it was too late. My tongue was already scorched, the back of my throat seared. I moaned and fanned my mouth, but in truth, I was glad for the pain. It reminded me that the day ahead would hurt, but I could stand it.
We didn’t say anything else until Finn pulled the car into a parking space at Herring Cove Beach where we had front-row seats for the everyday miracle of sparkling waves breaking onto miles of sand. There were a few fishermen farther down the strand, but nobody else was here at this hour of the morning.
Finn took a sip of his coffee and launched into what he had to say. “First of all, I want you to know I’m not mad at you.”
It wasn’t the opening shot I’d expected, but then, nothing had been predictable the past few days. “Okay. Thanks, I guess.” I blew on my coffee, hesitant to try another sip.
“I get why you didn’t tell me right away. I’m sure you were as confused by the whole thing as I am.”
Oh, I’m much more confused, I thought. Still, I intended to wait to hear what Finn had to say before deciding how much, if anything, to tell him.
He turned to me. “But the main thing I need to say is that . . . what I told you on the beach, right before . . .”
I sighed. “Look, I get it. If you’d known Lorna was alive, you never would have said anything. You wouldn’t have kissed me. I know you’re still in love with her. I’ll forget the whole thing. In fact, I have already.” That last part was an exaggeration, but I wanted Finn to see that he didn’t have to worry about me, I wasn’t going to faint again, or weep uncontrollably, or crumble into pathetic pieces all over his car seat.
“That’s not what I was going to say, Jackie. I do love Lorna—of course I do—but now I think I love you too. I can’t help it.”
I felt like someone had pumped helium into my head and it was suddenly going to take off and float away from my body. Finn could not have said what I thought I heard. My hands were trembling when he reached across and took one of them in his. He rubbed his thumb gently across the palm of my hand, and I could feel tears start to gather. Was this the last time I’d feel his touch?
“I’m so mixed up about this, Jackie. I want you to know the choice wasn’t easy.”
But you’ve made a choice, haven’t you?
“Lorna’s pregnant. I can’t abandon her,” he said. “I promised myself, I promised God, if she came back, I’d watch over her, I’d keep her safe. And now here she is: Lorna’s alive, and she’s pregnant with my child!”
I remembered promising that too four months ago, when I thought things couldn’t get any worse. My tears dried up and I tried to pull my hand away from his, but he held on tight. “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you, though, Jackie,” he said. “It doesn’t. You believe me, don’t you?”
I believed him, but what difference did it make? He didn’t love me enough. “Thank you for telling me,” I said, finally. “It might be hard for you now, but as time goes on, you’ll forget about—”
&nb
sp; “I won’t.” He shook his head earnestly.
“Of course you will, Finn. You have to if you’re going to be with her. She’s not going to share you. Lorna wins. She always wins.”
Our hands pulled apart in slow motion, as if they were slightly sticky, and we stared quietly out the windshield for some time. A flock of gulls came in for a landing in front of us. They foraged in the strewn seaweed, coming up with mussel shells and the occasional clam. Gulls are the pigeons of Cape Cod, ever present, taken for granted, but if you look at them closely, gliding on air currents, wing and tail feathers spread wide, they’re just as beautiful as the shearwaters or cormorants the birders spend their days searching for. I wished I had my camera.
“Lorna’s going to be staying with us,” Finn said, almost whispering. “She went to see Carla last night, and they had a terrible fight—no surprise. Carla won’t let her come home.”
Was that before she went to see Cooper? No, it must have been after. I was sure if he’d welcomed her, Lorna wouldn’t have gone to see her mother at all. And she wouldn’t be staying with the Rosenbergs either.
“Not that Carla’s place was ever much of a home,” Finn continued. “It’s probably just as well Carla wouldn’t let her stay there. You can imagine the response she got when she showed up at our house. Mom and Tess took her in like she was a wounded bird.”
Of course they did. “And Rudy?” I asked.
Finn shook his head. “You know Rudy. The minute he saw she was pregnant, he started huffing and puffing. He took me aside to ask me if I was sure it was my baby. Which really pissed me off.”
God. “He’s just looking out for you, Finn.” Shouldn’t I be looking out for him too? After all, Finn had been the only person to warn me about Cooper, not that I’d believed him. What were my choices here? Finn wanted this baby to be his—it would hurt him so much to find out it wasn’t. That, of all things, it was Cooper’s child. Should I tell him anyway? If Lorna denied it, which she would, Finn would hate me forever.
Besides, didn’t the baby—Lucy, she already had a name—deserve a father like Finn? A family like the Rosenbergs? What good would it do anyone to know that Cooper was her father? Of course, the thing I hated about that scenario was that Cooper got away scot-free. He got to continue his life of irresponsible selfishness without anyone else knowing. The unfairness made me furious and I twitched in my seat.
Local Girl Swept Away Page 19
