by R. L. Weeks
I thought back to Dad. I hated knowing I couldn’t cry. I wanted to. I really did miss him, and he was nothing but a wonderful parent to me, but I just couldn’t feel anything no matter how much I tried to force myself to.
Then there was school. I had friends, but I hadn’t spoken to them all summer and was anxious I wouldn’t have any to go back to. Vanessa was my best friend, but even she had given up messaging me after two months of radio silence. I missed her, her parents too. They were bohemian—at least I think that was the word—and the nicest people I’d ever met. Like her parents, Vanessa was a kind soul.
Then there was Maria, who was a totally different person than either of us. She was uptight and intelligent but strict. She was the mother of the group, so to speak, and her parents always made sure she was studying and getting straight A’s. She craved to get into Yale, so I got it, but we worried she was giving up her best years to do so. Not that I could say much. I was giving up mine in a different way. I couldn’t remember the last time I let loose. I hadn’t gone to one party since before the start of summer.
I reached the gates of Crimson Leaf High. It looked like any ordinary school, but it was far from it. The building was old, built in the 1920s. Since attending, there had been four deaths and eight missing girls. You wouldn’t think it for a small town, but Crimson Leaf wasn’t any ordinary small town. It was built on something dark. I was sure of it. Nothing there was straightforward, and an air of mystery surrounded everything.
“Kate,” a voice I’d recognize anywhere called from behind me.
“Maria,” I said with a forced smile.
She stood looking me up and down, hand on her hip. She flicked her jet-black curls over her shoulder. “Not one word all summer?”
Here we go, I thought but didn’t speak. I gave her an apologetic look and prayed to a divine force to whisk me away. Instead, I was given Nicholas. God definitely wasn’t on my side.
“Good to see you back.” He walked past us and winked at me.
“Hi,” Maria said with a small wave, but he ignored her. Once he was out of earshot, she turned back toward me, looking flustered. “Since when were you and Nicholas friends?”
“We’re not.”
She huffed. “So you have nothing to say to me? Look, I get your dad died, but come on. Not. One. Word.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry,” I said. “I just didn’t want to burden anyone. It was a bad summer. My mom was upset.”
“Naturally,” Maria said with suspicion in her gaze. “But what about you? Aren’t you upset?”
“Of course I am,” I said a little too defensively. I dialed back my tone. “It’s just been hard for us both is what I meant. I’m really sorry I didn’t reach out.”
She dropped her arm and shook her head. “You should have come to me! I would have loved to help.”
“Right. Because your parents would have let you out to come and play therapist with me?”
She rolled her eyes. “I see his death didn’t change your sunny disposition.”
I smirk. “I see your still just as tactful and thoughtful as ever.”
She couldn’t help but smile. “Have you at least spoken to Vanessa?”
My heart dropped a little. “No.”
“Hmm.” She paused and stopped by her locker. “Well, it seems you have bigger problems than me then. I guess I can give you a pass.”
“Have you spoken to her?” I asked tentatively. “Has she said anything?”
She shook her head. “Just the occasional text. I was busy this summer interning.”
“You can’t intern yet.”
She shrugged. “My mom got me a place at her work. It’ll look great on my application to Yale.”
I looked around as she continued harping on about Yale. I zoned out; I always did when she started rambling. Instead, I people watched. Everyone was staring at me as they passed us. I hadn’t noticed until now. They all looked sad—sadder than I was. Damn, the entire school was showing more emotion than I felt.
“Which is why Yale is so important…”
I zoned back in. “Right. Of course it is. You’ll get in.”
“Straight A’s won’t do it. I need more extracurriculars. I’m joining the chess squad.”
“You’re already in enough clubs,” I pointed out. “You’ll burn out.”
“Nope.” She waved a finger at me. “Burning out is for the weak. Class is about to start.”
I forced a smile. “See you later,” I said and suddenly felt a pang of panic as she walked away. I was alone.
Although she was relentless at times, at least she still liked me. I wondered the same about Vanessa and the other girls. They hated me for ignoring them. Maria was easily the easiest to win over because she didn’t have the time to stay mad. Vanessa did.
***
Lunch finally arrived, and while I usually looked forward to it, I didn’t want to go outside. Everyone was so excited for senior year. Natasha Young had boosted at least two cup sizes over summer and looked better than ever. She always looked so sheepish, but her breasts gave her newfound, arrogant confidence. It had to be surgery. There was no way they just grew so fast, not at our age anyway. The jocks were staring at her like she was a new prize for them to win, having already gone through the rest of the girls. Grayson, my ex-boyfriend and also a jock, waved at me from across the class. I couldn’t deal with him now. I looked away, hoping it would deter any future conversation.
I hurried out of class the second the bell rang and ran to the courtyard, avoiding confrontation with anyone who hoped to talk to me. I needed to get out unseen and head to the trees by the library. It was what I needed, a quiet spot to read where I wouldn’t be disturbed. I didn’t need food. I wasn’t hungry.
I heard chatting and turned my head. It was Vanessa and the twins. “Kathryn Bathory.” Vanessa’s girlish tone was laced with anger. I turned and took her in. Her hair was styled in beach waves. She’d dyed her hair two shades darker into a chestnut brown. It suited her light eyebrows still. Her face was smattered with freckles, but she looked more grown up. I guess I’d missed a lot over summer.
Grace and Jane stood behind her, their arms crossed over their chests.
“Going somewhere?”
I swallowed hard, trying to remove the lump in my throat. I’m guessing Maria told you I was back, I thought hastily. She must have texted them.
Grace chimed in. “We weren’t sure you were coming back.”
Vanessa waved her hand at Grace. “Let Kate explain. I’m sure she has a good reason for not uttering one word to us all summer.”
Her eyes were glazed over. I could tell she was hurt, but I didn’t know how to make her feel better. The truth was much more disturbing than the lie.
I searched my brain for any form of excuse. “After everything that happened with my dad,” I said slowly, feeling bad for using his death to avoid the conversation. “I just didn’t know what to do. I closed myself off to everyone. Even my mom. I’m sorry.”
I stepped back and hoped it would be enough. The corner of her eye twitched like it always did when she felt conflicted. “I just wanted to be there for you,” Vanessa told me, her voice breaking. “I came over three times and your mom said you were sick but then I saw through your window. You were laughing while watching TV.”
I exhaled slowly. Inside I felt like screaming, but on the outside, I looked calm and collected. “Everyone copes with grief in their own way,” I told her, reciting a line from one of the books my mom had made me read on losing a loved one. I was still stuck on the unwritten stage zero—numbness.
“You sound like you’re reciting from a script.” She tilted her head. “Something’s not right.”
I looked behind her at Grace and Jane—twins, identical in every way except for their personalities. Jane was meek and mild; Grace was confrontational and loud. They eyed me, waiting for an explanation too. What could I say? I searched my thoughts, but I didn’t know how to put my thought
s into words.
“Fine,” Vanessa said and turned her back on me. She only did it when she didn’t want me to see her tears. Being friends since we were five taught me everything I needed to know about her. Yet somehow, I didn’t care. I should have cared. I loved Vanessa. She had been my best friend since we were kids but losing her didn’t scare me. Being alone in high school with no friends did, and I hated myself for thinking that way.
“I’m sorry, again.” The meaningless words fell out of my mouth, and I walked away in search of a quiet spot. I hated knowing I couldn’t feel anything. I was frightened I would never be able to feel again.
The leaves had turned to brown and were slowly dying but celebrated by basic bitches. Everything pumpkin spiced will be coming soon, I thought sourly.
My thoughts quickly drifted away from Vanessa and the others. It was easier to not think about those sorts of things and focus on something else. I had become good at distracting myself since dad’s death. Just not thinking.
I heard someone walk up beside me.
“Hey, gorgeous.”
I sucked in a deep breath and asked God for some patience. I couldn’t catch a break. “Yes?”
Nicholas stepped in front of me. “Where are you going?” He looked around. “Alone.”
“It’s none of your business.” I tried to keep the sourness out of my tone, but it was never my strong suit.
“Calm down. I was only asking.”
“Why are you asking?” I demanded. “You’ve barely said a word to me since you came here and now you suddenly take an interest? Did I do something terrible in a past life?”
He smiled. I hated to admit it, but his smile was contagious. It actually made me feel something—only a small spark, but it was something.
He looked me up and down. “Well, perhaps I should have gotten to know you sooner.”
I shook my head. “Before or after my dad died? I mean, it’s strange you suddenly take an interest now. Don’t you usually go for the broken ones? The girls you think are easy targets?”
He licked his lips. “Not exactly. I guess they’re drawn to me. Look… do you want to get out of here?”
I laughed out loud. “Are you serious? Didn’t you hear a word I just said?”
“I did.” His smile didn’t waver for a second. “I figured you’d had enough of everyone staring, and your lack of friends tells me you’re not having the best day back.”
I pulled my book out of my bag. “Thanks, but I have a date already.”
His looked at my book and raised an eyebrow. “He’s very good looking.”
“You are so funny,” I said in a deadpan tone. “You should open a comedy show, but please, do it away from me. I want some time alone.”
He pointed at a group of girls. “You see them? They’ve been following you all day. Apparently, someone saw you going to the doctor’s office over the summer, and they’re all waiting for you to have a breakdown. I wanted to prepare you. You know what girls at this school are like.”
My stomach sank. Great, so everyone thought I was crazy, sent off the deep end by the death of a parent. “I’m fine. My mom made me go to help me sleep.”
His smile dropped, and concern etched its way into his expression. “You’ve been finding it hard to sleep?”
I furrowed my brows. “Why do you care?”
He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Can we talk? Go somewhere more private?”
“Your tricks won’t work on me. I’m not going anywhere with you, but thanks.”
I sat and took my place at the bottom of a tree trunk and nestled into the dry leaves around me. I opened my book to the bookmarked page and ignored him.
“Just tell me.” He continued, even though I had made it apparent the conversation was over. “When did it start? Not being able to sleep well?”
I didn’t answer him.
“Fine. At least tell me, do you have nightmares?”
That got my attention. I pulled myself away from my book and looked up at him. He almost looked beautiful in the sunlight, now that the sun had finally made an appearance. “Why?”
He pulled out a textbook and ripped out a page. He scribbled something down and handed it to me. It was his cell number. “Call me, after school. Please.”
I took his number, but he walked away before I could shred the paper in front of him. I went to tear it up, but something told me not to and to keep it. I shoved it into my bag and watched him walked to his friends, who were just as unsavory as him.
Next to them, the group of girls he pointed at were watching me. I just needed the day to end.
Chapter Two
My first day back had been hell, but I wasn’t about to tell my mom. She was the champion of helping lost causes. I admired it, but I never thought I would become one. She had put so much effort into me since I was born. I was their only child, meaning all her dreams had been placed heavily on me.
Since the start of summer, everything had changed. I had decided to give up cheerleading and everything else which used to be important, including my friends. Studying had dropped on my list of priorities. Reading, and binging Netflix shows had shot to the top. Even my fashion taste had flown out of the window. I used to always dress in the latest styles. I’d read online fashion blogs like they were going out of style, and I’d watch makeup tutorials. I didn’t care about any of it now. At least my caffeine addiction had remained. Well, that and lipsticks. I still adored my collections of Kissing Matte Liquid Lipsticks. Red was my signature color; it’s was what I was known for. Dad had bought me my last lipstick. He knew I loved them and picked up one from the store on his way home. It wasn’t my color, but I loved him for trying. I couldn’t bring myself to give it away or throw it out, and I was glad I hadn’t.
I thought back to the day we found out Dad had died, trying to piece together how I had one-eightied to a totally different person. The events of that day were permanently ingrained into my memory. Mom had spent a good hour staring at Dad’s blanket, which she’d laid out on the bed. She touched the wool material and closed her eyes, clinging to the threads of him.
“Mom. What do we do?” I had asked her.
She blinked twice and let the blanket go. She walked out of her room in a zombie-like state. The first week was the worst. I had never seen someone in so much pain. My aunt Tina had come up and stayed with us for a few days. She cooked and cleaned and helped with the funeral arrangements. She was a blessing in the form of a forty-six-year-old woman with dark brown hair and eyes. She looked so different from my mom; you’d never think they were sisters.
Tina had tried to hold us together, but it was too late for me. Seeing my mom empty forced me into seclusion. I closed myself off in my room and chose to read instead of think. I ignored my friends’ calls and left my laptop unopened next to the bed. Instead, I focused on building my book collection. An escape was what I’d needed, but three months was a long time to not live in the real world.
I stared at my bookshelf for longer than I should and finally nestled into my bed. I pulled up my mermaid blanket, knitted into a fin, and pulled it over my legs. My red curtains didn’t block any of the light coming from the street. It was too early to sleep, but I didn’t care. I needed a head start. It took me hours of tossing and turning sometimes before I drifted off, and even then, it would be interrupted by nightmares.
***
In my dream that night, as always, the boy was there but he wasn’t hidden in the shadows. Instead, he stood with his back to me and stared down at a silver chalice. Surrounding it were black and white candles.
I reached out to touch his shoulder, and to my surprise, he didn’t disappear. “Who are you?”
“Don’t you know?” he answered.
I recognized his voice but couldn’t quite place it. Cautiously, I moved around him to see his face.
I stumbled backward, shocked. My heart raced as I steadied myself. “Nicholas?” I asked attentively. His face was heavily scarred, making him
unrecognizable—almost. His skin was torn on his arms, but nothing was as horrific as the sadness in his eyes. It looked as if he had fallen off a building and landed on jagged rocks. “What happened to you?”
“It’s your dream,” he said. “You tell me.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. “Are you the boy that’s been in all my dreams?”
I heard our words tinker through the house, the same house I always visited in my dreams, but the words were too delayed. It sounded like someone was mimicking us.
He looked up at the stairwell, startled. “Kathryn. You need to wake up.” He ground his teeth together. “Now!”
I pinched my arm and hissed. I felt like I was being sucked through a vortex before I finally opened my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. I jolted upward in bed and looked around frantically. I rubbed my temples and took a moment to calm myself down.
On the nightstand, Nicholas’s number sat gathering dust. I grabbed it and typed the number into my phone. Hesitantly, I began to type a message. What was I supposed to say to him?
Hey, Nicholas. I had a dream about you. Do you remember?
I deleted it.
So… you mentioned dreams, and I think you were in mine?
Now I sounded insane.
Are you the boy in my dreams?
The boy of my dreams?
I laughed. I couldn’t just blurt it out. No doubt he’d tell his friends and I’d be the focus of even more attention from the people at school. Instead, I went with a good old-fashioned Hi. It’s Kathryn from school.
I needed coffee desperately. Another night of terrible sleep. I swore I was turning into a vampire. It felt that way. Sometimes when I was in deep relaxation, the strange place between awake and asleep, I felt like the world was spinning so fast around me and my brain was swirling through some sort of vortex.
I hadn’t noticed the footsteps outside my door when Vanessa must have walked in. Her hair was again styled into beach waves. I guessed it was her thing now. “Morning.”
