by Lexi Blake
“Why would you deal with Kai?” Noelle stirred sugar into her coffee before reaching for the toast and butter. “I’ve had all my appointments with him.”
There was a lot of butter in her fridge. Salted and unsalted, and a crock on the counter. She also had a ton of baking ingredients. They would make an excellent team. He would make dinner and she could be…make…nah, no matter how he looked at it, she was dessert.
“To let him know you don’t need the training class,” he explained. “It’s okay. You can train with me in private and get the same certification you would at the end of the class. It’ll be fun.”
She went still for a moment, and he got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“Hutch, I’m not leaving the class,” she said quietly. “I want to take the class. I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time, and I’m not giving it up. I don’t know why you would think I would.”
Kyle hopped off his chair, taking his plate with him. “And I’m out of here. I’m going to finish getting ready and we’ll head into the office.”
Hutch ignored Kyle. Maybe he wasn’t understanding her. Or she wasn’t understanding him. “You agreed to be with me last night.”
“Yes, last night.” She carefully enunciated the words. “I didn’t think that meant I had to quit my class. I don’t see what the two have to do with each other.”
Good, this was merely a misunderstanding. He could fix that. “You’re not quitting. You’re taking a different route to get to the same place. It’s okay. I can give you the same training.”
She shook her head. “But you can’t. It’s not the same at all. I want to go to the class and be with other people who are starting out. You know everything already. The relationship would be totally different. And honestly, I was looking forward to making some friends. I enjoyed last night, but I didn’t think you were offering me anything permanent.”
And it struck him suddenly that she didn’t want anything permanent.
How had this gone so wrong? He’d looked at her and thought this was a woman who would need some permanency. “I was offering to take care of you the way I would a sub.”
“But I’m not a sub yet,” she corrected. “I haven’t taken the class. I can’t know for sure.”
She thought a class could tell her that? He already knew the truth. This was a woman who would enjoy being sexually submissive, and honestly, who could use a partner who would top her from time to time in real life. “Trust me, you’re a sub. It’s okay. I told you I would take care of you and I will.”
“I’m taking the class.” A stubborn look came into her eyes. “I’m sorry if that upsets you.”
She wanted to take a class where some other Dom would put his hands on her body? She wanted to take a class where almost everyone fucked their training partner. God knows he had.
She didn’t want him to train her, didn’t want him to be her Dom. The truth slowly dawned on him. He’d seen what he’d wanted to see. He’d fallen fast and hard for the first time in his life and couldn’t bear the idea that it wasn’t reciprocated. Hadn’t he learned?
She’d wanted a fuck and he’d been willing to give it to her.
And honestly, why would he think the incredibly smart scientist with the perfect family would want him for anything but sex? Her dad was a sheriff and his dad had been an abusive asshole. Her stepmom was some kind of medical superhero. His stepmom had chucked him out on the street. Her father would figure out how much time Hutch had spent in jail.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” she said, sounding uncertain for the first time.
He turned away and put his plate close to the sink. A numbness had descended and his appetite was a hundred percent gone. “No problem. I misunderstood.”
“I think you might be misunderstanding now. I’m not saying I don’t like you. I really do. But I want to take the class.”
“Cool. You should.”
He heard her sigh. “I’m not sure what’s happening here. Last night was great, but I didn’t think you would stop going to Sanctum because we spent one night together. I thought we might see each other there after I finished the class.”
He thought he’d go to Sanctum with her. He hadn’t wanted to go lately, but last night had given him fresh energy. And now it was all gone. He rinsed off the skillet he’d used. “Good. I tend to play on Saturdays. Kyle can watch you then. I’m sure by the time you finish the training class, we’ll have cleared up your security problems.” He turned. “I’m going to go take a shower and get ready for work. Kyle can drive you in.”
“You’re not coming with us?” She turned and looked so vulnerable and sweet that he wanted to carry her back to bed and convince her that he was a better bet than he was.
But it was time to be realistic. It was time to save whatever dignity he had. “No. I have to go into the office. I don’t know how late I’ll be.”
“I feel like I’m not explaining well enough,” she began.
He held a hand up because he’d gotten the message loud and clear. She might be willing to sleep with him, but she wouldn’t change her plans for him. She wasn’t going to consider getting serious about him. He didn’t need to hear all her reasons. He knew them by heart. “It’s cool. What happened last night was nice. I thought it would be fun to continue that while we were working together.”
“I never said I didn’t want that.”
She wanted the sex, but she was going to keep her options open. Yeah, he’d heard that before. He wasn’t anyone’s serious guy. He was the dude who kept candy at his desk and got the waitress off in a broom closet. Noelle was the woman who might win a Nobel Prize one day.
“We’ll take it as it comes,” he replied because even though she’d broken his heart he wasn’t sure he would be able to resist if she invited him into her bed again.
He would have to remember what it was. Sex. Temporary sex.
That was all he was worth.
* * * *
She’d seriously fucked things up with Hutch, and she wasn’t sure what had happened. She sat next to Kyle, who was driving her sedan, and kind of wished she was on the train and they’d left the car for Hutch. He was going to have to switch a couple of times to get to the McKay-Taggart building. It was a straight shot to Genedyne. One train, three stops. It was faster on the train because they didn’t have to deal with traffic, but Kyle had insisted. Something about it being easier to watch her in a car than on a train.
And Hutch had agreed. He’d nodded and given her that pleasant smile that didn’t come anywhere near his eyes.
He’d made breakfast for her and she’d kicked him in the gut.
“Should I turn on the radio?” It was so quiet that it was awkward.
“I’m fine.” Kyle kept his eyes on the road, which wasn’t hard because they weren’t actually moving. They were sitting. Like she’d warned him about.
She fell back into silence as they moved two car lengths before the light turned again.
“Why did he think I wouldn’t go to the training class? We hadn’t talked about it at all so I’m confused on why he thought I would cancel.” She asked the question out loud before she could think better of it. She didn’t have many guy friends, didn’t have many friends at all when she thought about it.
Kyle finally looked her way, his mouth in a deep frown. “Uh, what station do you want it on? Yeah, we should turn on the radio.”
Coward. She knew she should go back to her inner monologue now, but Kyle had kind of already put himself in the middle of this. “Did you watch me have sex on my balcony last night?”
“No. I watched the area around you to make sure no one was pointing a red dot your way,” he corrected.
“Do you know what I look like when I don’t have panties on?” She wasn’t letting him get out of this one. He was her best resource—her only resource. She didn’t know any of Hutch’s other friends. If MaeBe had been here, she would have asked her, but that wasn’t how her morning had
gone.
First there’d been the horrifically awkward fight with a man she might be crazy about. Then there had been the notes posted to every door in the building reminding tenants that throwing items from the balcony was a fineable offense. She’d shaken her head and wondered what asshole had done that only to walk outside to the scene of her underwear being picked out of an oak tree by one of the landscape guys.
So no. No, she wasn’t giving in for Kyle’s comfort.
“I got a glimpse, but it wasn’t a perverted thing,” Kyle insisted. “It was very professional. When I go into professional mode, I don’t see things the way I normally would.”
“It’s good to know my hootch was a mere distraction. I’m glad to know it. Why did Hutch act like I kicked his favorite puppy this morning?”
Kyle sighed. “I don’t know Hutch all that well.”
How to make a man talk? Maybe she should go back to her teenaged years. “Well, I should change the subject then. You know, I thought I felt some PMS cramps coming on, but let me tell you, there’s nothing like a good orgasm to banish them completely. My cramps can be…”
Kyle groaned. “Do you women take a class on this shit?”
Oddly, she rather thought if she wanted to talk about her period with Hutch he would listen. “I can keep it up for days. Do you know how hard it is to use a tampon when you’re in a wheelchair?”
Kyle talked and fast. “He’s jealous. He’s painfully and obviously jealous. And the fact that you didn’t get that makes me feel real damn sorry for the dude. I’m going to be honest. I gave him a lecture this morning on not breaking your heart.”
“Why would he break my heart?”
“Because you seemed like the kind of chick who couldn’t sleep with a guy just for sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you seem like…” He stopped as though realizing he was about to say something insulting.
“Just say it, Kyle.” She’d rather know the truth.
A low grumble came out of him, like a cranky pit bull. “Fine. You seemed like you might be clingy. Turns out Hutch is the clingy one.”
She didn’t like the sound of that. Clingy reminded her of how she’d been when she’d first left the hospital. She’d clung to her father for years, clung to that stupid chair because she’d been afraid she wouldn’t be strong enough to do what she’d needed to do.
Later, when she’d reflected on that horrible year between the accident and her stepmom coming into her life, she knew what she’d really been doing by refusing physical therapy. She’d been punishing herself because her mother had died and she’d lived. She’d been in shock, and only her stepmom had been strong enough to risk everything to drag her out of it.
She didn’t want to be clingy ever again.
“I don’t think he was being clingy,” she said quietly. “I think we made a nice connection. I think the sex was good.” That was an understatement. It had been the best sex of her life, and she wasn’t sure why she’d been cool this morning. Perhaps because she’d woken up and wanted nothing more than to walk right out and coax him back into bed.
She’d wanted to cling to him. Yes, that was why she’d put a bit of distance between them. She’d dreamed of him, and it was all happening way too fast. He was already important to her, and she didn’t think that was such a good idea.
“Oh, he was clinging hard, but I think you managed to detach him.” Kyle made it through the light this time. “He was thinking you’d settled something the night before. You hadn’t. You set him straight, and now you can both move on.”
She didn’t want to move on. She barely had time to understand there was a place to move on from. “I only wanted to go to the class. I wasn’t trying to break things off with him.”
Kyle chuckled. “But he understands the class, and that’s why he’s all jealous and shit.”
“I’m not walking in and immediately having sex with my training Dom,” she said with a huff. She’d thought about it, but she hadn’t even met the man yet, and if she was exploring a relationship with Hutch, she certainly wouldn’t cheat on him.
“Most people do by the end because it’s an intimate experience,” Kyle pointed out. “And that’s what you want. At least that’s what I heard when you talked about it. You want the experience, and Hutch knows what that means.”
She did want the experience. She wanted what her aunt had found at the club—a network of friends who were also counted as family. If she let Hutch train her, she would always be Hutch’s sub. She wouldn’t simply be Noelle. She wouldn’t find her own friends, and she couldn’t count on the man forever. The most likely scenario was that they’d had an odd bonding experience when she’d been attacked the day before, and it had led them to an intimacy that wouldn’t hold up in the real world. They would sleep together during this crisis, and then it would fall apart when they went back to their own spaces.
And she would be devastated because Kyle was right about the fact that she usually felt something for the men she’d slept with. She felt so much for Hutch. If she let herself, she could fall in love with the man.
She’d hated that look in his eyes, like she’d killed some light there.
“He’ll get over it,” Kyle said as he finally turned down the road that led to Genedyne. “And hey, who knows, maybe when you’re done with training you’ll want to play with him. If he ever goes back to the club.”
“MaeBe told me he was a member there.”
“Yeah, but from what I understand, he hasn’t been going regularly.” Kyle pulled into the parking garage, and the monitor overhead picked up the sticker on her windshield and let them in. “He’s been…I don’t know…looking for something lately, according to his friends. But don’t worry about it. He’s a good guy. He’ll find it someday. He was moving way too fast with you.”
She’d felt it, too. “We made a connection.”
Kyle seemed to think about that for a moment. “What you have is insane chemistry. It happens sometimes, and it feels like the best thing in the world. It’s incredible and addictive, and it doesn’t mean you’re in love. It means some people fuck together better than they do with others. Sex isn’t love. It’s a biological function we’re taught to pretty up so we forget we’re animals at the core.”
Well that had gone dark fast. “You don’t believe humans can love each other?”
“Of course I do. I don’t think that sexual chemistry equals love, even though it can feel like it,” Kyle insisted. “I think love is more than passion. Love is about the quiet times, being comfortable. It’s about friendship every bit as much as it is about sex. You can have the best sex in your life and if the person you’re having it with isn’t good for you, it’s not love, and no amount of trying to make it love will fix things.”
He pulled into the parking spot reserved for her. It was one of the best spots in the building. This row was close to the elevators, the spaces larger than the tiny ones on the floors above. It was another perk that came with being the head of a lab, one she rarely used, but when she’d offered to let Pete use it, he’d paled and said no one wanted Jessica to catch a non-lead using the spots.
She wasn’t trying to make last night into some kind of love thing. It was what it was. Good sex, and she liked Hutch. Really liked Hutch. “Should I talk to him?”
“Yes. Him. You should talk to him.” Kyle suddenly sounded enthusiastic. He put the car in park. “You should have talked to him before you slept with him. I’m sorry. I’m putting that on you when it should be on Hutch. You were looking for a good time. He was looking for something more. He should have talked to you and figured out you weren’t on the same page.”
“I wasn’t looking for a good time.” She slid out of the car and grabbed her braces. She hated using them, but the cane wasn’t going to do it after what had happened in the locker room. It would be days before she would be back on her cane.
Hutch hadn’t seemed to mind.
“It’s okay.” Kyle shut the door and
hit the button to lock it up. “You don’t have to make excuses. Sex for sex’s sake is normal and healthy. But I would suggest you think about it before you hop in bed with him again. He’s looking for something you’re not, and you could hurt him. And I say that knowing I’m going to get kicked out to the couch again. Did I mention your couch sucks? It is not comfortable.”
“Yes, it is.” She sat on that couch and watched TV all the time. Sometimes she fell asleep when she didn’t want to go to bed.
Hutch had been the best body pillow ever. She’d wrapped herself around him and slept like a baby for once.
“You ever laid your six-foot-three-inch body out on that sucker?” Kyle stopped as a familiar Maserati pulled up and the driver’s side window rolled down.
“Hey.” Jessica looked Kyle up and down like he was a glorious package wrapped up for her. “Long time no see.”
Kyle gave her a smooth smile. “You said something about a job. I want to get off my brother’s girlfriend’s couch.”
Jessica’s perfect red lips parted. “Excellent. Meet me up in my office. I’ll get your paperwork started.” She turned slightly Noelle’s way. “LaVigne, I need to see you, too. I’ll come down to your lab this afternoon.”
Her stomach did a flip. That didn’t sound good. Maybe the job Hutch was doing would be over way sooner than she’d dreamed. “Of course.”
Jessica winked at Kyle and then her tires squealed as she took off.
“What’s the female equivalent of swinging a big dick?” Kyle asked.
She didn’t know, but it might be every single thing her boss did. “You should go on ahead. I’m moving slow today.”
Kyle’s eyes rolled. “Yeah, I’m eager to get up there and fend off Lady Ten Hands. Nah, it’s better to keep her waiting. See, Hutch should have kept you waiting.”
She frowned up at him. “I can’t decide if you’re telling me I should stay away from him or trying to make me feel like crap so I try this thing with Hutch again.”
A wistful smile crossed his handsome face. “I don’t know. Maybe both. I feel for the guy, but you’re smarter than he is. You don’t really know him. I would say try again, but it’s hard to go back. I’ve found you get one shot at doing something right.”
