“God, it’s taking them a while.” Calhoun taps his foot. Audie suspects he has no goddamn clue. Calhoun’s the sweetest soul alive. Audie kisses his head and wonders, yet again, what he’s done to deserve this man.
But Audie can hardly hold in the laughter when Wills and Crispin stroll out of the room. Wills’s dark, artfully fucked-up hair is actually fucked up, and Crispin’s blond corkscrew curls fly everywhere, like they weren’t just banging each other. They all hug and say Merry Christmas. Audie compliments the decorations and asks if Isa and Delia did them. Totally Isa, to go overboard with a hot glue gun and tinsel trees. She gets obsessive.
“No, bitch.” Wills throws him a look and puts his hands on his hips. “I can use a fucking glue gun. Don’t be a gender-stereotyping asshole. And have a cookie.” He offers them a sugar cookie. It looks like a penis. Audie, again, resists the urge to crack up. He’s being offered a sugar cookie penis by an enormous guy, stacked like a high school football player, who’s shirtless in swim trunks and just told him not to be a “gender-stereotyping asshole” with his hands on his hips in the least-gay way possible.
“Oooooh, did you make these? I love cookies.” Calhoun is a goddamn cookie addict. Fuck.
“Oh god, don’t tell me you have milk. Thanks. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. I’ve lost him to cookies and milk and Christmastime.”
“You wanna get in the hot tub?” Crispin asks.
“Hells yes. Lemme put our stuff in our room. I guess the Santa presents go under the tree, huh? Christ, it really is Christmas.” He had remembered the Secret Santa presents.
Isa grabs him and gives him a giant hug. Audie hugs her back. “Hey, straight girlfriend. Merry Christmas.” Isa’s the only person he’ll say that to. She expects it, and Audie always wants to protect her, the way he desperately wants to protect Calhoun.
“Hi, gay boyfriend.” She stands on tiptoes and kisses his cheek. “Wills made you a Santa hat and he’ll be so damn happy if you wear it. C’mere.” She drags him by the hand to the dining room table, where she sorts through a pile and finds the one that reads “AUDIE” in gorgeous cursive. She drops the “ISA” one of her own head, and hands him the “CRISPIN” hat. “Give that to him when you go out to the hot tub, will you?”
Audie carries in the luggage and changes into his suit. He hits the bar and, Jesus God, someone’s brought Goldschlager. Audie fucking loves Goldschlager. Baylor Kirkman must’ve told them he drank it during undergrad.
Baylor. Oh shit. He forgot. Quinn Rutledge’s cousin Baylor’s coming. They were really close in college, and Quinn and his other cousin Delia are dragging her along. No one else knows her. He hasn’t seen Baylor in over a year. Calhoun hated her the few times he met her — she’s good friends with his nemesis, if sweet-natured Calhoun can have a nemesis, Audie’s childhood best friend Bastian, but Audie will love seeing her. He grabs the Goldschlager.
Audie sprints for the tub, because it’s cold as a witch’s tit out there. Someone’s strung multi-colored lights all around the hot tub, and set the blinker bulbs on different speeds. It would induce an epileptic seizure if one were prone to it. He’s glad, in the cold, for the hat atop his curls. He tosses the other hat to Crispin. Wills made them actual Santa hats. Christmas in the Currell household was formal and horrid. They emphatically did not have Santa hats.
“Isa said we have to wear our hats. And oh my god, how did you know I used to drink this shit in undergrad?! Did Baylor tell you?”
“Wait. You know Baylor? Like Quinn’s cousin Baylor that none of us have met?”
“Yeah.” Audie opens the liquor and chugs. He offers it to Crispin, who takes a swig and wrinkles his nose. He hands it back. “Baylor and I did undergrad together at USC. She’s finishing her fifth year right now and then I think she’s starting like, avian biology here at Georgia Tech-Savannah? They have the best program in the country. You have to talk to her about it, she makes friends with the crows, no bullshit.” Baylor used to walk out of the dorm and they’d watch her, follow her around campus while she dropped food for them. They loved her.
“No, Baylor totally didn’t tell us about the Goldschlager. Like, I told Wills you’d never drink it. It’s part of his everything-must-be-Christmasified program.”
“I love Goldschlager. We used to buy it as a joke and I fucking love cinnamon. Hence, I love the trashiest liquor on the planet. Ridicule away, Hendricks. I am drinking gold flake. Straight from the bottle.”
“Are you drunk already?”
“Um, a little. Calhoun had to drive.”
“Do I want to —”
“Ask why I’m drunk at noon on the day after Christmas? This is the first Christmas I didn’t have to spend with my asshole family, and this, my friend, is hair of the dog. Oh my god, Baylor’s here! I haven’t seen her in like, a year! BAYLOR!”
“Audie!” She runs onto the deck, long blond hair flying, totally unchanged. God, he’s missed Baylor. She’s always starting trouble, but she’s loyal, one of the smartest people he knows, and has a deep core of sweetness people miss for all the squealing and the troublemaking. She also looks exactly like Delia and Quinn, so much so that when Audie met Quinn and Delia, he knew they had to be related and almost asked about it. Baylor bites her lip and looks at Crispin. “Who’s that?”
“Our host’s boyfriend. Behave. Baylor, this is Crispin Hendricks, Wills Culliver’s boyfriend and very much taken. Crispin, Baylor Kirkman. Her mom’s Quinn’s and Delia’s dads’ sister. I got that right, right, baby?” He kisses her cheek.
“Oh damn you, Audie, you’re already drunk.”
He holds up the Goldschlager. She laughs her ass off: they spent so many nights passing a bottle back and forth. “And Crispin, I saw Wills in there, oh my god. I’d high-five you if I weren’t so far across the hot tub.”
Crispin shrugs. “We’ve been best friends since we were five.” He pauses. “And together since 11th grade.” Baylor predictably squeals, god, everyone squeals when they hear that shit.
The sliding glass door opens. Her nearly-identical cousin Quinn Rutledge wanders out in a heavy winter coat, blond hair and sharp features and snub nose and all. “Let me guess. Crispin just told you about the 11th grade thing.” He flicks a wave at Audie. Audie nods. He and Quinn are comic book buddies. For all Quinn’s twinkishness, Audie loves the bastard and smiles at seeing him.
“It’s so adorable!” Baylor leans against him. Audie passes her the Goldschlager and sinks up to his chin. The warm water feels so good.
“Nice Santa hats.” Quinn twists his mouth.
“Oh my god you didn’t see?! Wills made one for all of us.”
“Oh Jesus Christ.” Quinn rolls his eyes.
“We get to wear them in the hot tub!”
“Jesus fuck, Crispin, couldn’t you stop him?”
Audie leans back in the tub and lets himself float. It’s warm and there’s good liquor and Baylor’s here. “I love you, Baylor.”
She runs in to get a suit on. Audie roots through his towel and gets out his vape pen. Still floating, he takes some hits. Crispin declines, but when Quinn runs back with some more liquor (and a damn Santa hat), he looks at Audie, who floats with liquor in one hand and a pen in the other.
“Are you fucking vaping and drinking Goldschlager at the same time?”
“Yes.”
“Just making sure.”
“You want some of either?”
“I’ll hit that.”
He and Quinn pass the pen. Amory appears, one of Quinn’s boyfriend’s — he has two; Amory, the cute, cut actor with short, blondish hair, and Ellis, the fortyish bear with all that long hair Audie wants to pull, god, he wouldn’t let many guys top him but his knees would hit the ground for Ellis. He realizes he’s said that out loud. Quinn and Amory roar. “Wait ‘til I tell Ellis,” Quinn manages. “He’ll be honored.”
“Oh god, just don’t tell Calhoun.”
Amory smirks. “What’ll it take?”
“What
?”
“Not to tell Calhoun, quote, ‘I wouldn’t let many guys top me but my knees would hit the ground for Ellis?’”
Audie passes him the pen again.
“Good man.” Amory takes a hard hit.
“What about me?” Quinn asks.
Audie eyeballs him. “What d’you want?”
“A favor. To be called in at a later date.”
“Bastard.”
“Or I tell Calhoun.”
“Motherfucker.”
“Or I tell Calhoun.”
“Fine.”
Quinn laughs and laughs. So does Crispin.
Everyone ends up in the hot tub, Baylor sort of on top of him, which is totally normal for Baylor; she’s a cuddle slut like Isa. Isa sort of glares, but she has Quinn and Delia to cuddle on, so fuck her. Audie never gets to see Baylor. Henry and Crispin even hit the vape pen, and hit it hard, so they all end up drunk and stoned, which is fairly entertaining. In the absence of Calhoun, Audie sort of wraps around Baylor, and when Isa bitches, sort of wraps around Isa. They like him because he’s 100% safe; no way is Audie Currell getting in a girl’s pants. They just smell good. Everyone’s got a hat on and okay, if this is Christmas, it’s not that bad all around. All his friends are here. He just misses Bastian. He hasn’t seen his best friend Bastian in a long time.
Audie wonders aloud if he and Crispin should go find Wills and Calhoun.
Crispin says they can fend for themselves.
Isa side-eyes Baylor at one point. “Don’t you steal my gay boyfriend, Baylor.”
“Quinn’s your gay boyfriend.”
“Audie’s my other gay boyfriend.”
“You only get one gay boyfriend and he was my gay boyfriend first.”
“Girl, Bastian and Tristan were your gay boyfriends.” Audie stretches out again. “I’m a convenient stand-in.”
“Ohmygod Bastian was your gay boyfriend?! Like Bastian McCarthy?!”
“Oh sweet Jesus.” Crispin drops his head in his hands. They all hate Bastian. Audie’s stomach knots.
“Yes. We’re like, total besties. I told you that. You’re so high you don’t remember.” Baylor will always stick up for Bastian.
Isa grins. “I lost my virginity with him.”
“Don’t I know it. I’m like, the only girl coming to this party who hasn’t fucked Bastian.”
Quinn blinks a few times. “Delia never fucked Bastian.”
“Delia so fucked Bastian. She told me.”
“What?!” Isa and Quinn say at the same time.
Baylor grins. “So did Bastian.”
“Baylor, shut the fuck up.” Audie smacks her. “You just love to start shit.”
“Fucking knew it!” Henry slaps the water. “Totally called it. I knew she fucked him.”
Luckily, that’s the end of the Bastian conversation. Thank fucking god. If they can go the rest of the weekend without invoking him, Audie’ll be grateful. He loves Bastian so much. They either treat him like a joke or hate him.
Crispin leaves to find Wills. He doesn’t come back. Fuck. That means Audie should locate Calhoun, so he leaves the pen with Amory and wanders inside, as much as one can wander when the wind’s whipping onto the deck like that and he’s wearing swim trunks and a towel. Calhoun sprawls on the couch.
“I ate too many cookies. I’m so cookified.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. This like, always happens on Christmas? My gran used to find me under the table or something with cookies.”
Audie cracks up. “You’re fucking with me.” He looks at his skinny boyfriend.
“I eat too many cookies and I want to die, Audie, those oatmeal ones were sooo good.”
“Let’s go downstairs then.”
Audie half-carries him into the bedroom. One more bullshit thing about Christmas: losing your boyfriend to cookies. And he’s not even stoned. Calhoun narrows his eyes. “You’re high as a kite.”
“It’s a party.”
“Baylor’s here. I saw her come in.”
“Yeah, Baylor’s here.” He starts taking Calhoun’s clothes off.
“Must be nice to see her.” He bites it off.
“Calhoun, I know you don’t like Baylor much —”
“Because she’s as bad as Bastian about getting you in trouble.”
Audie sighs. He finds Calhoun good pajama pants and a T-shirt. “Leave Bastian out of this. I know you hate Bastian. I’ve always known you hate Bastian. We don’t need to talk about it. And no, this is my pot, not Baylor’s. Before you even ask.”
“The two of them are so —”
“Just drop it, Calhoun. You want I should stay here until you go to sleep?”
“Yeah.”
Audie wraps around him and kisses his head. “I love you. Even when you make me crazy and hate my friends.”
Calhoun huffs. “I love you even when you get drunk instead of doing Christmas.”
“Shhh. I love you. Sleep off your cookie binge.”
Calhoun finally passes out in his arms.
2
Calhoun
Audie’s gone when Calhoun wakes. His tummy doesn’t feel like it’ll burst from sugar cookies anymore, so he puts on his suit and wanders upstairs. Wills made them all Santa hats, which is like, the cutest thing in the whole world. He even stuffed stockings for them. Calhoun runs outside with a towel and splashes in next to Audie. He has Baylor practically on top of him, dammit, Baylor’s always starting something. But when Baylor sees him, she actually smiles and says hi and moves over so Calhoun can wedge under Audie’s arm. Audie kisses him and offers him Goldschlager, totally gross. He shares Grey Goose with Amory instead. Too bad Ellis isn’t here. He’s so sweet. He babies Quinn to death and if calling him daddy is what it takes, Quinn should totally call him daddy. Hell, Calhoun would happily call him daddy if he didn’t have Audie, but he’s not sharing that with anyone.
“You want some?” Audie holds out the vape pen. Calhoun shakes his head. He doesn’t like to smoke and anyway, the one time he did it just put him to sleep.
“Good, because I want you awake tonight anyway.” Audie whispers it right in his ear. “How many days has it been now?”
Calhoun swallows. “Four.” No one can hear them over the roar of the jets but his stomach flips anyway.
“That’s four too fucking long, honey.” Oh god, when Audie talks like this Calhoun always gets stiff. No one can see under the bubbles, and holy Christ Audie palms him. “That’s what I wanted.” His breath still comes hot in Calhoun’s ear. “That’s exactly what I wanted.” His hand withdraws and Calhoun nearly whines except he can’t because they’re in the hot tub and all his friends are here and Jesus Christ this is what his boyfriend does to him. Wills and Crispin, meanwhile, have returned, and Wills burbles about the Santa hats. Henry orders pizza. The dark’s dropped down and it’s even colder.
Audie hugs Calhoun a little tighter. He turns to talk to his best friend Quinn for a while. They don’t see each other as often as they’d like. Calhoun asks about Ellis, and about Quinn’s horses, and Quinn perks up and smiles. “Did you bring the game systems?” Calhoun asks.
Quinn shakes his head.
“Dammit. I wanted to play Zelda with you.”
“You can come over sometime.”
Calhoun smiles. “I’d like that.” He pauses. “Link.”
“Shut up. I do not look like Link.”
“You’re even wearing a green bathing suit.”
Quinn smacks him. Calhoun smacks him back, the water thwacking on Quinn’s shoulder.
“You two’ve been at that since you were five.” Henry leans back. “And it never gets old.”
Isa floats between them. “No fighting, boys. Quinn, lemme hit that.” She steals the vape pen from him. “Calhoun, you wanna shotgun?”
Calhoun shakes his head.
“Quinnie?”
He laughs. “Maybe from Amory.”
Baylor’s deep in some crow conversation with
Thor, who’s actually speaking for once. Delia and Lucky sit on top of each other. So do Wills and Crispin and ugh, Audie and Baylor, but his thigh touches Calhoun’s.
“So why d’you hate Baylor so much?” Amory hits the pen. Isa floats on Quinn.
“I don’t hate Baylor.”
“You do too hate Baylor.” Isa raises her head from Quinn’s shoulder. “Baylor even says you hate her.”
Calhoun’s getting drunk on the Grey Goose by now. “She always gets Audie into trouble.”
“I think you’re jealous she spent more time with Audie in undergrad than you did. So they have like, inside jokes you don’t. And he misses her. But you just remember who he lives with and whose bed he sleeps in, and it’s not Baylor’s. It’s not Bastian’s either.” Isa leans her head back on Quinn.
“Well, aren’t we Miss Pop Psychologist.”
“Calhoun, that’s not like you.” Isa knits her eyebrows and looks like she wants to cry.
“That’s not like you either, Isa.”
“We used to play together when we were little. Now you’re being mean.”
She swims to the other side of Amory and starts drinking. Amory hands Calhoun the pen. “Just hit it.”
“No.”
“Hit it. You’ll feel better about life, I swear to god.”
This time, Calhoun gets giggly. “Baylor!” His Southern accent deepens. “Get off my boy!”
She laughs and moves. He takes her place on Audie, who cuddles him up. “Baylor, I’m like, soooooo sorry you think I hate you? I totally don’t hate you. I just think you get Audie into trouble?”
“Of course I get Audie into trouble.” She smiles sweetly. “I get everyone into trouble. Like Quinn. We all do. Except Delia. She gets us all out of trouble.”
“No shit.” Delia rolls her eyes from where she floats on Lucky.
Quinn faces backwards on Amory’s lap and they keep shotgunning each other. “Audie. You should shotgun Calhoun. Look how bad he needs it. Poor thing.” Baylor grins.
“Yeah, you should shotgun me.”
“Calhoun. You like, choked last time, baby boy.”
Learning to Love Christmas: Audie and Calhoun 3 (Low Country Lovers) Page 2
