“She’s not your only friend, Charlie. Besides, how many of those girls have you ever talked to before this weekend? One, maybe two? This trip seems more about her than about you. She’s out to have a good time, and she’s using your bachelorette party as an excuse.”
I don’t reply. He hit the nail on the head. I can tell it bothers him more than just a little. His tone didn’t give him away; it was his hands. He started to clench and unclench his fists.
We pull up in front of my hotel, and the valet opens Blake’s door. He climbs out and extends his hand back into the cab to help me. I stare at it, unable to move. I’m not ready to say goodbye to him. I’m not ready for tonight to end yet. More than anything, I want to avoid Aubrey’s wrath.
“Are you coming, Charlie?”
“No.” Leaning down so he can look into the cab, Blake studies my face for a few seconds before climbing back in.
“Where to?”
“Can I stay with you tonight?”
The cabbie takes off, this time, more gracefully. I cuddle up to Blake, hugging his arm, and close my eyes. I concentrate on what I’m going to tell Zach. I’m sure he already knows Blake is in Vegas, but I should lead with that. It’s everything else I don’t want to tell him.
As if he knows I’m thinking about him, my phone rings as we’re about to get in the elevator. I know I need to answer it. “Give me a sec, will ya?”
Nodding, Blake walks over to a bank of slot machines and takes a seat.
“Hello.”
“Hey, baby! Having fun?”
“Not really. What are you up to?”
“I just got home. The boys took me out to the bar tonight. Why aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
“I think Aubrey planned this trip more for her than me. She tried to get me to go to some male dancer show. You know that’s not really me.”
“Be nice. You know how excited she is about being your maid of honor.” I hate it when he scolds me like a small child. “What did you do instead?”
He knows. He’s baiting me. He wants to see if I’ll tell him the truth.
“I actually ran into Blake. He’s here for an assignment, so we went out to dinner while the girls watched the show.” I do the best I can to sound indifferent about it. If I don’t make it a big deal, maybe he won’t either.
“Really? How convenient.”
“Not really. It pissed Aubrey off.”
“I bet it did. Where are you now?”
“Blake just dropped me off at the hotel. I’m about to head up to bed.” He’ll buy it. It’s getting late here, which means it’s really late in New York.
“Well, try to be more understanding. And get some rest. From what she told me, you girls have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”
Great. Not really what I wanted to hear. Glancing in Blake’s direction, I see he’s tapping the buttons on his screen monotonously. Even bored, he looks cute as hell.
“I will. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Night, Char. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” I reply, half whispering into the phone, before hanging up.
Walking over to Blake, I study him. It’s almost like I’m seeing him again for the first time. He looks the same as he always has, yet somehow different. Not really older. More mature, maybe. He still sits up rather straight, carrying himself with confidence. It’s not until I get within a few feet of him I notice the concerned expression on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as soon as I’m within earshot.
“Nothing,” he replies, turning to face me. “Why?”
“You looked… sad or something.”
“Ready to head up?” he asks, changing the subject bluntly.
“Sure,” I say, drawing out the one syllable word much longer than necessary.
Following Blake to his room, I contemplate what it might be that’s put him in a sour mood. The only thing I can come up with is Zach’s call. It’s not like he hasn’t known about him. He knows I’m getting married. I think he also knows Zach doesn’t hold the piece of my heart I gave to Blake all those years ago. If it makes me wonder why I’m getting married to someone else, it has to make him wonder, as well.
“So, how’s Zach getting along without you?”
Inserting the key into the door, Blake ushers me in ahead of him.
“He sounds fine.”
“I’m surprised he let you come out here without him.”
“Why’s that?”
“He watches you like a hawk when you’re in the same room, Charlie. It’s not the fact he’s always staring at you, it’s the way he watches your every move. If you’re talking to someone, he moves closer. If it’s a guy, he gets as close as he can without you realizing it. Have you never noticed any of this?”
“Of course, I have. He just cares, that’s all.” At least, I think it is. I’m not really sure what he’s referring to. I’ve never caught Zach watching me the way he’s describing.
“I don’t think you should marry him.”
All the air leaves my lungs. I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. Sitting down on the bed, I put my head between my legs and begin to count. Five small breaths in, one big breath out. I feel the bed dip next to me, and then Blake’s hand starts running up and down my back.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Charlie, but I can’t keep this to myself any longer. I always thought he would be a passing fling. I never imagined you would get serious with him. I don’t like him. He puts off this vibe I can’t really describe. It’s as if he’s threatened by me, or maybe he’s threatening me. I’m not sure. If I catch on to it, I’m sure other people do, as well. He’s obsessive and manipulative from what I can see, and I’m sure I haven’t seen it all. He puts on a good front when he knows someone is watching, especially when that person is you.”
He pauses, and I sit up, avoiding looking in his direction.
“This isn’t a ploy to get you back, Charlie. I promise. This is me concerned for you. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now, but the moment never felt right. I figured I shouldn’t wait much longer since the wedding is coming up and all.”
“Blake,” I stutter out. “I don’t really know what to say. I know you’re only telling me this because you care about me, but I can’t help but wonder if there is another motive behind it.”
“Maybe the fact I’m still in love with you?”
I think back to my last conversation with his dad. I don’t have to wonder—I know it’s true. Turning to him, I can see it in his eyes. The love he carries for me is shining brightly, and it scares me that my love mirrors his. I know it does.
“I’ll always love you, Blake. You know that.”
“But?”
“But I’m marrying Zach in a few months, and no matter how I feel about you, nothing is going to change that.”
As I close the door behind me, it feels more like I’m closing the door on our relationship, on our friendship. I never wanted that for us. I do love him, and I always will. That wasn’t a lie. If I’d let him tell me he still loves me, if the words had crossed his lips, things would have changed. That’s why I left. I can’t get my heart shattered again. I won’t survive next time.
June 2001
“I should have bought the other dress.”
“You look beautiful, Charlotte.”
“But the other dress made me look skinnier, I think.” I turn to find Alice shaking her head as she picks up around the room. It looks like a tornado tossed things around.
It wasn’t a tornado, though. Aubrey blew through here an hour ago and tore it up. Her makeup is spread across the vanity. Her curling iron is still plugged in and turned on. The only thing she picked up were her clothes, and that’s probably because she’s supposed to catch a flight back to New York after the reception.
“Scott is going to be here any minute to get you. I’m going to give you a minute alone, okay? I’ll see you after the ceremony.” Pulling me in for a hug, Alice exits through one of the la
rge, white double doors.
I’m left staring at myself in the mirror, waiting on Scott to escort me down the aisle. A stray curl flops in my eyes, breaking free from the tight knot at the base of my neck. I should have a bobby pin in my purse. Where is my purse?
I search the room for a few minutes with no luck. It’s not until I hear a muffled ringing I remember where I left it. Lifting up my pile of clothes, my phone rings again.
Blake. Why is he calling? He should be taking his seat right about now.
“Hey! Are you calling to wish me luck?”
“Charlie,” he says, his voice filled with anguish. “I’m not going to be able to make it.”
“What’s wrong?” My words are rushed, and before I realize what I’m doing, I’m stuffing my bag with anything I can grab.
“It’s my dad. He had another heart attack last night.”
I stop instantly when his words sink in. Tears begin to well in my eyes and I know what he’s going to say next.
“He didn’t make it this time, Charlie.”
My phone falls to the floor as tears begin to run down my cheeks, ruining the makeup Aubrey spent an hour perfecting. Looking down, gray tears land on my perfect white dress, causing it to look discolored around my chest.
Picking up my phone, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in two hours, tops.”
“No. You’re getting married in what, ten minutes? I’ll be here for a week or so to help my mom. As soon as I know when the funeral is, I’ll let you know. I just wanted to apologize for not making it down today and explain why.”
“Blake, I know you’re trying to be the bigger person right now, but you need to stop. Stop thinking about everyone else and start thinking about you. What do you need right now? You need me. You need your friends and family. I’m packing up, and I’ll be there soon.”
“Charlie—”
“This isn’t up for discussion. I’m hanging up now.”
I wait for him to reply, and when he doesn’t, I end the phone call and focus on changing and packing. There’s a knock at the door just as I’m about to open it, my bag slung over my shoulder. On the other side is Scott, looking more excited than I’ve ever seen him. His smile falls when he takes in my appearance.
“Where’s your dress, Charlotte?”
“It’s a long story. Mr. Collins died last night, or this morning, I’m not sure. I’ve gotta head home.”
“What about the wedding? What about Zach?”
Zach. Shit! I didn’t even think about him. He’ll understand. I hope. If I tell him now, though, he’ll try to change my mind. I’ll call him later.
“Can you tell him for me, please?”
“What do you want me to say? You’re about to leave him at the altar. For Blake.”
Ugh! When you put it that way it sounds horrible. It is horrible. I should tell him myself, but that would require me to walk up the aisle in front of all our friends and family in the jeans and tank top I just changed into. I think it would make it worse if I told him myself.
“I want you to think this through. If you leave, Charlotte, he may never be able to forgive you. This might be the end of your relationship. You’ll lose him over this.”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.” The words leave my mouth before I even realize I’m saying them.
“You’re about to choose Blake over Zach. You do realize that, right?”
I do. I realize exactly what I’m about to do. I think this has been coming for a while now. Thankfully, it’s happening before I said my vows. I didn’t have to think twice about leaving Zach when Blake called. My gut instinct was to go to him, and I’ve always trusted my gut.
“I do,” I say as I walk past Scott and head for the back door of the church. “I’ll call you when I know more, okay? I love you.”
“We love you too, Charlotte.”
The drive home took longer than expected. I hit traffic getting out of LA and then again outside San Francisco. By the time I pull into Blake’s driveway, it’s been almost four hours since we last spoke. I tried to call him a few times while I was on the road, but he didn’t answer.
Throwing the car in park, I grab my purse and head for the front porch. Knocking only once, I let myself in and holler for Blake. My voice echoes through the halls, but no one answers. Dropping my purse at my feet, I dial Blake’s number and wait for him to answer.
When his voicemail picks up, I leave a message, letting him know I’m here and he can find me at a hotel downtown. I’m worried about him. He always answers when I call. I can’t imagine he’s trying to avoid me right now. He needs me. If I’m being honest, I need him, too.
As I turn to leave, Mr. Collins recliner catches my eye. My feet carry me the fifteen feet to where the recliner rests in the living room, directly in front of the television. I run my hand over the fabric, starting at the top and moving my way over each curve down to the worn armrest. He loved this chair. It was the only place he would sit in the living room. I never saw him let anyone else sit in his chair. They didn’t even try. It’s as if they knew how special it was to him. It makes me wonder why he let me that once.
I check my phone six times to make sure the ringer volume is on high before I even get to the hotel. I’m worried about Blake. I’m scared Zach will call. Aubrey hasn’t even called me yet. Something doesn’t feel right about this.
As if he knew I was thinking about him, my phone rings just as I step into the elevator. “Hey. Where are you?” I ask, doing the best I can to keep the sadness out of my voice for
his sake.
“I just left the funeral home. Sorry, I wasn’t there to meet you. I waited as long as I could before leaving, but you didn’t show. I thought maybe you decided to wait until after the wedding.”
“I got caught in traffic, lots of it.”
“Oh. So…”
Blake pauses. I know what he’s asking; he doesn’t have to say the words.
“No, the wedding didn’t happen.”
“I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to ruin your big day. Really.”
I can’t get past the devastation in his voice. If I didn’t know better, I would think he really was sad I didn’t marry Zach. I know his father’s death is the only thing weighing on his mind right now, though. He’s talking about everything else and talking around it, but he can’t avoid it.
“You didn’t ruin anything,” I reply, a half-hearted attempt to convince him as I open the door to my hotel room and toss my bag on the couch.
My suite is huge. I have a sitting area right when you walk in. There’s an adjoining room that looks like it has a king size bed.
“But I did. I shouldn’t have called. I just thought you would want to know. I didn’t want you to walk down the aisle and see I wasn’t there. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t support your decision.”
“I’m glad you called. I think this was your dad’s way of keeping me from making a mistake. I don’t think I’m ready to get married. I’m only twenty-five years old.”
Blake goes quiet on the other end of the line at the mention of his dad. I shouldn’t have said that. That was inconsiderate.
“Do you want company?” he finally asks.
“Of course. I’m in room 312.”
“Okay. I’m going to make sure my mom gets home and settled, and then I’ll head that way.”
After hanging up, I start the shower and begin unpinning my hair. It seems like Aubrey put over 100 bobby pins in it. One after another, I set them on the counter until the pile is overflowing. My hair falls down, slipping past my shoulders. Staring at myself in the mirror, I see the image of someone who closely resembles me. I recognize my eyes, as puffy as they are from crying today. My hair is the same as it always has been, long and flowing around the middle of my back.
What I don’t see is the girl I used to be. I haven’t seen her in years. She’s long gone by now, stripped bare by the life I’ve been living. As steam
starts to fog the mirror, I strip out of my clothes and step under the scalding hot water. I let it burn my skin, washing away the layers of makeup and sweat.
Flipping channels on the television, I wait patiently for Blake to arrive. I’m almost asleep by the time he knocks on the door. He steps past me as soon as I open it and flops down in the closest chair. Giving him a moment to collect his thoughts, I raid the mini-bar, cracking open a bottle of vodka and a bottle of rum, pouring each of us a shot.
Taking a seat in the chair next to him, I hand Blake the glass with vodka in it. He takes it, downing it in one gulp, before handing me the empty glass. He didn’t even flinch.
“Okay. I can’t help you from over here.” Standing, I move to the couch, pushing my bag onto the floor. “Come sit next to me.”
I pat the cushion next to me but Blake doesn’t move. He doesn’t even look up. His eyes are focused on the floor. It’s as if he’s scared to let me see the look on his face. He’s allowed to cry. He’s allowed to be torn up, devastated. His father just died. He lost one of the most important people in his life. I’ve been there. I may have only been six years old when it happened, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember feeling lost. I know what he’s going through. I understand it better than he probably does. I also know his father would want him to go on with his life. He wouldn’t want him to stop living.
“I’m only going to say this once, Blake. Come sit next to me. If there’s anyone that understands what you’re going through right now, it’s me. I’ve been there. I’ve been through this. I’m here to help you understand it. You just have to let me.”
“I don’t want to understand it, Charlie. I want him back. I want one more day, one more hour, one more stupid conversation with him. I want to be able to tell him I love him one more time.”
“He knew. I promise you.”
Breaking eye contact with his spot on the floor, Blake looks up and directly into my eyes. “It’s not fair, Charlie.”
I remind him that life’s not always fair. If it were, I wouldn’t have lost both of my parents when I was so young. I wouldn’t have lost my Aunt, the only person I had left, when I was sixteen. None of that was fair to me. I was alone, thrown into the foster care system with no one on my side. I got lucky, though because I never would have met Blake if my life had been fair.
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