Laurel covered her face with her hands. “Oh my gosh, Kate. I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “It shouldn’t have surprised me.”
“Maybe not. It’s still not okay.” She paused and bit down on her lower lip nervously.
I could tell right away there was something else she wanted to say. “What is it, Laurel?”
“I’m surprised you broke up with Dillon.”
I was still kind of surprised myself. “Why?”
She hesitated and crawled off the bed so she could stand and look down at me while she spoke. “Look. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I love you, and I swear, I’m not trying to be like Mom, but sometimes it’s hard for us to see things when we’re in the middle of them.”
I exhaled and waved her on with my hand as I prepped for unwanted feelings. “Just get on with it, Laurel.”
“Dillon didn’t challenge you. It was easy with him. You’ve had so much to deal with since the fire, so it’s not as if I blame you, but you do like to take the easy route now.”
“Easy?” I exploded off the bed, and Laurel stepped quickly away. “I’ve done nothing but work my ass off since the fire. I’ve spent every single day trying to learn how to live with this.” I pointed to my missing arm.
Laurel looked at me sympathetically, keeping her calm despite my sudden anger. “I know that. When it comes to your health, your mobility, your independence—your determination has been astounding. You know that’s not what I meant. I meant that when it comes to dealing with the tough stuff—your emotions—you’ve become a pro at checking out. Dillon made it easy for you to do that.”
I knew she was right. It didn’t make it any easier to hear—even if it was coming from the one person I knew I could be honest with.
“Laurel.” I started to cry as she moved toward me and wrapped me up in her arms. “I don’t know if I can handle it. I’m so scared that I’m not strong enough.”
She gently kissed the top of my head as she stroked my hair. “Strong enough for what, Kate?”
“To feel anything again. To stop distracting myself with everyone else’s problems. If I feel anything, I have to feel everything. I’m still so angry about what happened. I don’t want to feel that. I’m afraid that anger will eat me up if I let myself feel it. I don’t want to think about how heartbroken I was when I woke up. I don’t want to feel that way again. Right now I have a wall up, but each day it’s crumbling a little more. If it falls and I can’t keep the feelings at bay anymore, I’m not sure I can come out the other side of that.”
She squeezed me even tighter and then pulled away to hold me at arm’s length.
“You are the strongest person I know. You put up that wall to help you survive, but your life is no longer at risk. What you feel can’t kill you, Kate. Those emotions, when you decide to let them in, will make you stronger than you ever thought you could be. And whoever said the whole dam has to break at once? When you see an opening to try, just try a little. And when you survive that feeling, the next one will be a little bit easier.”
“Just try, huh?”
She smiled and let go of my arms. “Yes, Kate. Just try.”
Chapter 24
He tried to leave it, to do as Nicol ordered, but he couldn’t get Brachan off his mind. If Nicol had known what Maddock had been trying to tell him, he wouldn’t have been so insistent that they wait until after the wedding to address it. Nicol would want to know. He needed to know.
As the sun set behind the castle, Maddock knew there was only one place that Nicol was likely to be—in the withered, long-forgotten garden with Freya. Killed and cursed by Machara, the spirit of their Master’s wife now roamed the castle gardens at night, and each evening Nicol walked down to spend the evening with her.
Maddock heard voices the moment he reached the garden, but Nicol’s wasn’t among them. Instead he heard Freya, her melodic tone welcoming and warm, laughing as she spoke to Marcus, Laurel’s best friend and the newest member of The Eight.
Maddock spoke the moment he could see them, sitting on the edge of a long-since dried up fountain talking like old friends.
“Ye are not the one I expected to find here, Marcus. Where is Nicol?”
Marcus pointed to the walls of glass on the castle’s highest corner—the location of Nicol’s bedchamber.
“Sleeping. He woke early so he could greet you and Kate, so I told him that if he needed more rest, that I would come down and visit with Freya for awhile.”
Freya smiled at him, but shook her head. “Not that I’m not pleased to have ye here, Marcus, but ’tisn’t necessary. I truly doona need to have someone with me every moment that I am here.” She paused and patted the stone next to her. “Come and join us, Maddock. Tell me all about yer journey to collect our newest resident.”
Maddock did as Freya asked and dove into an explanation of much that had occurred over the past few days—the wonders of seeing a small part of the twenty-first century, the hard journey, and Kate’s illness—although his mind was elsewhere as he spoke. When he finished, he realized he couldn’t recall much of what he’d said.
He looked up to see Freya watching him thoughtfully.
“What is it, lad? What is on yer mind so?”
Marcus gave a short chuckle and knowingly crossed his arms. “I know that look. That’s the look of a man perplexed by a woman. It’s Kate, right? She’s twisted you all up.”
Freya smiled and leaned into him, and part of her shoulder simply disappeared as their figures touched. He could feel nothing, but he understood her gesture.
“Ah come, Maddock. Do tell me. I love a good love story. Mayhap I can even give ye some advice.”
Maddock shook his head at Freya’s reference. “’Tis hardly a love story yet, lass.”
She smiled at him. “But ye’d like it to be?”
Maddock glanced nervously at Marcus. Both Kate and Laurel spoke of Marcus with such adoration. He was certain Marcus would be as protective of Kate as he was of Laurel.
Marcus smiled, seemingly understanding his worry. “I love them both, but you can speak freely about them in front of me. I’m probably even more aware of their quirks than you are.”
Maddock stood and began to pace in front of them as his confusion surrounding Kate rushed to the surface. “The lass is unlike any I’ve met before. She is strong and beautiful, although I doona think she recognizes either such quality in herself. She can be so warm and open on one occasion, and the next make a man feel a fool for opening himself up to her. She is filled with wit, and her love for so many things is infectious, but by God, she is infuriating.”
Marcus snorted and gave him a knowing grin. “That’s a trait all Adams women share.”
Freya chimed in. “’Tis a trait all women everywhere share, lads. We are complex creatures. ’Twould do ye both some good to remember that.”
Maddock shook his head as he paused and ran both hands through his hair in frustration. “The night I met her, we stayed up all night talking and I never sensed that she was withholding anything from me, but now it seems like the more time I spend with her, the more she pulls away. Each new effort I make is received a little less warmly than the last.”
“She’s scared, Maddock.” Freya made her observation so confidently, as if there were no other possibility.
He watched her for a moment, but before he could respond, Marcus added his agreement. “Freya’s right. Before the fire, Kate was the sort of person that dove in head first with everything—her work, relationships, adventures—she feared nothing. The loss of her arm was traumatic for sure, but I’m not even sure that was the worst of it. I think Kate went through life believing it a safe place, one that could only hurt you if you let it. And then, out of nowhere, everything she believed about life was turned upside down. The world was no longer safe. Everything could change in a matter of moments.
“I think perhaps it was too difficult for her to rectify that life was so much more complicated than
she always believed it. That it could still be safe and wonderful, but also terrible and tragic, and that one wasn’t truly possible without the other. So, she just shut herself off. It was easier to avoid emotion than face her own existential crisis.”
Marcus shrugged and continued. “It’s not like she’s done anything different than what we all do. I think every one of us goes through a time when it’s easier to just not feel than to deal with whatever’s eating at us, but where Kate got all messed up was that the trauma of that night was so much more than what most of us deal with. She needed to shut some things off just to get herself up in the morning, to deal with the pain of letting herself heal, but she let it go on for far too long, and now it’s just a sticky habit that’s hard for her to break.”
Maddock moved to resume his seat by Freya as he pondered this. It made sense to him. The way she would be receptive to his kiss, but then grow uncomfortable at his mention of it. The way her breath would grow quick against his chest in response to his touch, and then change the subject when he mentioned how she affected him. She wanted to feel, she just no longer held the belief she was strong enough to withstand it.
“How do I help her?”
Freya reached out to lay her ghostly hand up on his knee. “Ye doona give up on her. Ye delight in every instance where she shows ye who she truly is, and ye doona stand for any time that she may put up a false front to protect herself. Let her know that ye want her—the real her—and that ye willna settle for anything else.”
He looked over to see Marcus nodding. “Again…she’s right. Kate’s strong, and it’s really the only thing she responds to. She made remarkable progress so quickly in terms of her mobility and adapting to the loss of her arm, and a lot of that was due to the fact that her physical therapist and Laurel never put up with any of her shit. They didn’t let her get away with anything. Perhaps, it’s time for someone to do that with her feelings, too.”
He didn’t want to be harsh with her. He wanted to love her, to make her feel cared for, to wrap her up in his arms and kiss every last inch of her.
“She may hate me for it.”
Marcus nodded. “She might for a bit, but she’ll get over it. Is she worth it?”
He had no doubt that she was.
Chapter 25
My intention to ask Laurel about Nicol so I could figure out the possible relation between him and Brachan went out the window after my small breakdown in my sister’s arms. We continued to talk with one another for a few more hours, but mainly we spoke of wedding plans and all that had happened to her since she’d been here.
By the time she left me to go to bed, I’d decided to go and look for Maddock to ask him about it. I didn’t have to look far. The moment I opened the bedchamber door to step out into the hallway, he was walking by.
“Maddock.”
He jumped slightly at the sound of my voice, but smiled as he faced me.
“Kate, lass, I’m pleased ye caught me. There is something I’ve meant to ask ye all day, but I dinna wish to disturb ye if ye were already asleep.”
Intrigued, I waved him inside and closed the door behind him. “I wasn’t asleep at all.” I motioned around the room. “Thank you for letting me stay in your room. I really wouldn’t mind sleeping somewhere else if you want your space back.”
“No, lass. ’Tis no trouble at all. Paton’s room will suit me fine, though I’ll not be in it long.”
“What do ye mean?”
He smiled shyly. “My whole life I’ve had a problem with walking about while asleep. ’Tis worse when I’m tired, and I canna deny that I am verra tired after our journey.”
That surprised me. “How did I not know that?”
“I’ve not done much sleeping since I met ye, lass. How would ye know?”
That was true. The first night we’d stayed up talking, and I never saw him sleep on the road.
“How are you able to do that? Go without so much sleep, I mean. I’m a monster after just one night of sleep deprivation.”
“The magic helps. It can sustain us past what is possible for most.”
It was easy to forget that Maddock contained magic. He seemed so normal. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever seen him use any.
“Can you not use your magic to keep you from sleepwalking?”
He laughed, but shook his head. “One would think, aye? But alas, since I never know precisely when I might do it, ’tis not worth the effort to cast a spell that might prevent it, especially now that we’ve only seven men. We canna afford to use magic that isn’t necessary.”
“I see. What was it that you wanted to ask me?”
He hesitated just long enough for me to see that he was slightly nervous, and it made something inside me coil up with anxiety. “I was only wondering…lass, why did ye ignore me before? Why did ye speak of Machara just as I confessed to ye just how much I enjoyed holding ye close to me?”
My mouth gaped open like a fish as I struggled with how to respond, but before I could, he held up a hand to stop me.
“Doona say anything yet, lass, for I need ye to tell me the truth.”
My body began to tremble all over, and I couldn’t tell if it was from fear or anticipation—perhaps it was a little of both.
“Why do you need to know that?”
He smiled that familiar mischievous grin and my stomach clenched with need.
“Because, lass, if ’twas a sign of yer disinterest, I shall turn around and walk out this door with nothing but admiration for ye. My friendship will always be yers. But if yer eagerness to change the topic of our conversation this morn was the product of yer fear—if ye do believe ye care for me, I mean to show ye right now just what it could be like between us.”
While my desire was to charge him and beg him to take me right there on the floor, my instinct was to shut him down on the spot. But all I could hear was Laurel’s voice in my ear, “Just try, Kate. Just try.”
And so, with shaky breath and trembling hands, I tried to let just a little bit of feeling into my mind and heart. “I…I care, Maddock. I didn’t say anything because I knew you could feel my breath shaking against your chest. I thought maybe you were just being polite—trying to make me feel better about myself.”
He smiled, and the expression on his face sent chill bumps down my spine. There was nothing friendly in his smile. It was threatening, dangerous, and so sexy. I worried that if he actually made it across the room to touch me, I would unravel before him.
“Lass, never in my life have I been known as polite. Kind? Aye. Decent? I hope. But I doona care for polite. Polite implies that I’ve a passive nature. If ye expect me to be passive with my feelings for ye, Kate, I’m afraid ye will be sorely disappointed.”
He stepped even closer. As I tried to scoot away once more, he reached for my wrist and pulled me against him.
Smiling, he leaned down to kiss the side of my neck. The moment his lips touched my skin, I gasped. As his lips traveled up to my ear and nipped at my lobe, I moaned and leaned back into his palms, which were now splayed out against the lower part of my back.
My moan seemed to ignite something in him, and as he pressed me even tighter against him, his lips moved to mine. His kiss was all consuming. A hot fiery thing that so contradicted the gentlemen he’d been until now. Our lips moved together with an urgency that surpassed that which we’d shared in the kitchen at Cagair. I couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t get him close enough to my body. As his hand moved to cup my breast, I cried out in need and longing. “Undress me. Please undress me.”
Obligingly, he moved to the laces at the back of my gown, but he didn’t wait to untie the gown all the way before he began to pull it lower off my shoulders. The moment my breasts sprang free, he groaned and dropped his mouth to them. Just as his teeth latched around one of my nipples, I realized that my desire was just too much. I could feel some piece of myself unraveling. Hurriedly, I pushed him away. “Wait, Maddock.”
He stilled and stood immedi
ately. “What is it, lass?”
“I…I don’t want this.”
He lifted my dress to cover my breasts and nodded calmly. “I’m sorry, lass. ’Twas too much, too soon. Let me go to the kitchen and find us something to eat. We can just sit together and talk. There is no need for us to do anything more.”
“No.” I shook my head and in my panic, said the one thing I didn’t mean at all. “I didn’t mean this. I meant you. I don’t want you.”
I saw his teeth grind together, but his voice was calm when he spoke. “Aye, ye do, lass. Ye want me so badly ye are scared to death of it. But I’ve no need of anyone who is so frightened of everything that they are willing to toy with another’s emotions just to protect themselves. Goodnight, Kate.”
He turned and walked out.
Chapter 26
For the better part of two days, I kept a low profile. I didn’t know how to remedy the situation with Maddock, and I was worried that if I was out and about the castle, my sour mood would be visible, and I didn’t want anyone to have to worry about me.
It surprised me then, to hear his voice on the other side of the door two days after our last encounter.
“Kate, lass, I thought ye might like to know that yer mother and David have arrived.”
I opened the door to him and gauged his expression carefully. He looked as friendly as ever.
“Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know. Should I go down to meet them?”
He shook his head. “I doona think ’twill be necessary. I’m certain yer mother will be headed this way shortly. She is eager to see that ye are well.”
“Oh, okay.” I repeated myself, unsure of what to say to him. Eventually, in a burst of bravery, I said, “I thought you would be mad at me.”
He blinked as his brows furrowed together. “Lass, why would I be angry with ye?”
I shrugged. “Because I told you I didn’t want you.”
He cocked one knowing eyebrow at me, and I felt my cheeks flush red in embarrassment.
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