Realism, the emperor said earnestly. You have to believe it’s real. If you can believe it’s real, then it’s authentic.
And so the people’s senses were bombarded with authentic sensation the likes of which most of them had never seen, heard, felt, smelt, or tasted before in their lives. Everything in Artificial Reality™ was more real than real. Headmounted monitors achieved such resolution that the previously flawless skin of popular sex gods and goddesses acquired pores and even the oddly-placed hair or two. A kindergarten class on a virtual nature walk wandered into a virtual patch of poison ivy and came down with psychosomatic rashes that resisted all treatment save real calamine lotion. A woman became convinced that her own real life was the Artificial Reality™ she was visiting and vice versa, and the fact that the two were, for reasons known only to her, virtually identical didn’t help.
But most people simply complained of feeling hammered on by the sheer intensity of everything. It was like asking for a snack and getting an eight-course dinner for nine, someone said, and someone else said, it was like needing a hug and getting ten hours of screaming sex. Yet another opined it was like wanting a light shower for your garden and getting eleven days of driving rain with gale-force winds and still another pointed out that this very human urge to one-up each other’s comparisons was probably somehow at the heart of the problem in the first place and they should stop now before this reality became as unbearable as all the others.
The people could have just quit fooling around with Artificial Reality™, got rid of their hotsuits and their headmounted monitors, canceled their cable subscriptions and gone back to watching other people pretend on TV screens, but that would have been just another unfair extreme. They liked the old Artificial Reality™, it was part of their lives. They were entitled to their entertainment. Besides which, mass abandonment of an entire medium, even if possible, would have thrown a lot of people out of work and into poverty, a fate they didn’t deserve just because the emperor had this authenticity fixation.
And they could have overthrown the emperor, except that no one could agree on how he should have been replaced. A bad choice in that area would ruin a lot more than just a lot of realities on cable.
Finally, a hardware company began to sell, very quietly, hotsuits that could be cooled down—i.e., the sensations could be dulled rather than intensified. That was a pretty good solution. It would have worked, except that the CEO of the company was greedy and made the ‘suits proprietary, which is to say, they worked only with his company’s hardware and were incompatible with anyone else’s headmounted monitors or cable interfaces. When other hardware companies tried to license the specs for the ‘suit, he refused and hung out at his desk, not returning phone calls and waiting for everyone to go replace their old systems with his so he could get richer. But everyone didn’t go replace their old systems with his: Some bootlegged the specs, made ‘suits, and sold them illegally. Others jerry-rigged something with variable results, and everyone agreed that when an emperor went bad in some way, there was always someone even worse.
~ * ~
Who knows how things would have deteriorated, except that a pair of philosophy students happened to reach a threshold. They were postmodernists, of course, and they had lately been engaged in a series of arguments with some other students concerning the role of hyper-realism in the postmodernist construct. The only issue anyone could agree on was that hyper-realism in Artificial Reality™ had to go.
“What’s the point of Artificial Reality™ if it’s real?” said one of the students, a handsome young woman named Sadie. She and the other student, Nick, were having a cola in the middle of a retro party called a rave, which was more peaceful than the Artificial Reality™ they had both just come out of. Things had become so intense in Artificial Reality™ these days that when people disengaged, they had to decompress by attending riots or wild parties, or risk a case of psychic bends. “The idea is to turn one’s back on reality altogether.”
“Annihilation?” Nick said, nodding significantly.
“I don’t know,” said Sadie, “I can hardly think for all the reality I’ve just been bombarded with. It doesn’t matter. All reality everywhere will continue to be unbearable until we get the emperor off this hyper-reality jag.”
“Annihilation?” Nick said again, sounding hopeful this time.
“Just the opposite, actually.” Sadie’s smile was even more wicked than usual. “If the emperor wants absolutely authentic reality, then someone should give it to him.”
~ * ~
A week later, the emperor received a pair of entrepreneurs, new to the business of Artificial Reality™ and eager to show him something brand new in the way of hardware and software.
“Exalted One, what we have to present to you today is not just a matter of improved hardware and software,” Sadie said in her most sincere voice. “It is positively revolutionary. My colleague and I have been working for years to achieve the excellence, the authenticity that you in your wisdom have called for. We believe that we have accomplished what no other R&D department in any other company has been able to do.”
“And that is?” the emperor said after a long moment of silence.
“An experience so real as to be completely indistinguishable from a real experience.” Sadie stood up a little bit straighter. “We call it completely transparent reality Nick looked at her quizzically. This was the first he’d heard of completely transparent reality. That was because the phrase had only just popped into Sadie’s head moments before. Sadie smiled reassurance at him. “My colleague and I will bring in the trunk now,” she said, and turned to the emperor, who was on the edge of his throne. “With your permission, of course.”
“And hurry,” said the emperor. “Completely transparent reality. Sounds delectable.”
Sadie and Nick withdrew from the emperor’s receiving room and returned a few seconds later carrying a shiny black trunk between them. It was actually a footlocker that they had borrowed from one of the ex-modernists, who had recently developed a sense of humor. As they set it down before the throne, the emperor jumped up eagerly and ran to open it.
“By your leave, Excellency,” Sadie said, covering the latches with her own hands. “Please understand that this is unlike anything you have ever known before. It is not something that you, even with all your experience of more realities than most of us can even conceive of, should handle unaided. My colleague and I must assist you, for everything must be assembled in a certain order and connected in a certain way. There are so many complicated calculations and calibrations that must be made, and then double- and triple-checked in base two, five, ten, and fourteen mathematics. No one without our intimate knowledge and comprehensive training should even try to operate such a system. The result would be disastrous, it would be—” Sadie paused, searching for a word scary enough.
“Annihilation,” Nick offered.
“Exactly,” Sadie said. “It would annihilate your brain.”
The emperor’s face puckered with distress. “Well, if it’s not safe...”
“Oh, it’s perfectly safe,” Sadie said quickly, “as long as we assemble it for you and you do exactly as we instruct you, during the assembly and calculations and calibrations.”
“This doesn’t sound like a reality I’d call completely transparent,” said the emperor uneasily.
“Oh, but it is,” Sadie assured him, careful to keep her voice calm and even. “It’s just that this is our first working model. Later, as we perfect the process, we should be able to streamline the components and set programs to automatically calculate and calibrate. But I think you’ll see, Excellency, after you are completely wired up and ready to go, that it is definitely worth the trouble and effort. And that it is, without a doubt, completely transparent reality.”
“Well, all right,” the emperor said. “What shall I do? Do I need to disrobe?”
Sadie and Nick looked at each other for a clue. “No,” Sadie decided after a momen
t. “The, uh, hotsuit is so sensitive that your clothing will be completely transparent to it.”
“Well, to it, maybe, but not to me. I get terribly overheated in a ‘suit unless I’m a hundred percent naked—”
“Our revolutionary cooling system will make sure that not one drop of sweat will be necessary,” Sadie said in a burst of inspiration. Behind the emperor, Nick rolled his eyes with relief. Sadie knew he must have been picturing their annihilation by a very naked and extremely angry emperor.
“What you must do, Excellency,” Sadie continued, “is stand here-” she moved him so that he was standing behind the trunk with his back to it— “hold your arms slightly away from your body, and close your eyes.”
“Like this?” said the emperor, unconsciously mimicking the stance of an emperor penguin.
“Perfect,” Sadie said as Nick opened the trunk. “No doubt you’ll be helping us fit this kind of ‘suit to other people in the future, I think you have a knack for it. Now, I must caution you, Excellency, that whatever you do, you must not open your eyes. Until we tell you it is safe, that is. The first thing we do is fit the headmounted monitor. There are ten times as many lasers to calculate and calibrate and it would be too easy to scratch the cornea if you happened to open your eyes at the wrong moment. Or worse, to burn some rods and cones.”
“Well, all right,” said the emperor, sounding uneasy again. “I promise I won’t open my eyes.”
“Very good, Excellency. We will take some measurements and begin.”
And then Sadie and Nick stood back from the emperor and were careful to remain completely silent and motionless.
After a minute, the emperor looked troubled. His brow furrowed and his mouth began to twitch. He made a small noise in his throat and swallowed. Sadie saw his weight shift slightly but it was another minute before he said, “Excuse me, are you still there?”
“Yes, Excellency,” Sadie said, moving smoothly and silently to speak directly into his right ear. “I am, even now, just finishing with your headmounted monitor fittings. You see—uh, you feel how lightweight it is.”
“I’m wearing a helmet?” the emperor said, amazed, and started to reach up to his head. Nick lunged and caught his hands just in time.
“No, Excellency, you’re wearing a headmounted monitor,” Sadie said carefully. “But it is a headmounted monitor like no other in the world—any world—and I have not yet adjusted the thousands of laser settings inside, so you must not open your eyes at the risk of being blinded, and you must not attempt to touch the unit, as the placement must be absolutely precise.”
“Oh. Sorry.” The emperor obediently lowered his hands and returned to his penguin position. “I won’t move unless you tell me, then.”
“Thank you, Excellency,” Sadie said, risking a sigh of relief. “That will make things so much easier. Your total cooperation will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.”
Nick rolled his eyes again and made a lowering gesture with one hand, meaning that she should tone it down. Annihilation, he mouthed at her.
“Excuse me?” said the emperor, frowning a little, eyes still closed. “Did somebody say something?”
“No, no,” Sadie said quickly, waving for Nick to step back. “I’m just calculating and calibrating the sound assembly and it must have tickled your eardrums in the process of self-testing. Don’t worry, Excellency. It’s all quite normal.”
“All right. It’s just—”
Sadie and Nick held their breath. “Yes?” Sadie said.
The emperor was twitching his mouth and wrinkling his nose. “Well, it’s silly.”
“Please, Excellency, if you have some concerns, you must tell us.”
“My nose itches.”
“Ah,” Sadie said as Nick fanned himself and blew out a silent breath. “Please hold perfectly still while I adjust the equipment so that I can help you with that.” She stood in front of him, counted to fifteen, and then scratched his nose for him. “Better now, Excellency?”
“Perfect. Continue.”
She stepped away from him again, and she and Nick kept quiet and still, watching the emperor. After five minutes, she and Nick tiptoed to stand on opposite sides of him. “Excellency, you may feel a very slight but not unpleasant pressure at the back of your head.” She waited another fifteen seconds. “There. That doesn’t hurt, does it, Excellency?”
“Not a bit,” the emperor said. “It was just as you said it would be— very slight, but not unpleasant.”
Sadie blinked, glancing at Nick. “Do you still feel it?”
“Yes. Is that bad?”
“No, no, that’s all right.” She covered her mouth for a moment, afraid she might laugh. “The sensation will fade after a while. Just the—the interior of the headmount customizing itself to your head.”
“Well, it certainly is comfortable. Not to mention light. Practically weightless.”
“Practically,” Sadie agreed. “Now, Excellency, in the next several minutes, you may hear a number of different sounds, and smell a variety of different, uh, aromas. You may even feel varying degrees of heat or cold, all over or just in spots. It’s just the self-testing mechanism, making sure that the full range of experience is available. We may have to make some adjustments based on the readings. And now you must hold perfectly still and not move, not even to talk— you should even breathe as shallowly as you can—so that your hotsuit can be fitted.”
“Not yet,” said the emperor, sounding worried.
“Is something wrong?” Sadie asked him, hoping she didn’t sound as panicky as she felt.
“I just need to yawn first before you do that.”
“Please,” Sadie said pleasantly, making a face, “take all the time you need, and let us know when you’re ready for the hotsuit fitting.”
The emperor lowered his arms to his sides, bent his elbows up, and yawned deeply. “Will I have to stand like this much longer? With my arms out, I mean. I’m getting some strain in my shoulders.”
“We’ll work as quickly as we can, Excellency,” Sadie said, starting to feel a little guilty and annoyed at herself for it. After all, it wasn’t as if a little shoulder-strain was going to kill him. And it was nothing compared to the strain everyone else had been enduring thanks to his authenticity crusade. “Ready?”
The emperor gave one last enthusiastic exhale. “Go to it.”
She and Nick went to the trunk and took off their outer clothing. Sadie shook out the astronaut pressure suit and helped Nick into it. Then she picked up what looked like a rose blossom the size of a large pumpkin. In fact, it was a ski-mask slightly stiffened to allow rose-colored paper petals to be glued on. Nick made a face as she offered it to him.
Don’t start, she mouthed at him.
He fanned himself again, pulling at the neck of the astronaut suit.
She looked pained. You promised. You did.
Nick looked down at the floor unhappily.
“Um, I’m not sure I hear anything,” the emperor said something, “but I’m beginning to feel slightly warmer, and I’m sure I smell something.”
Sadie gave Nick a dirty look and plucked one of several bottles of cologne out of the trunk. “Yes, Excellency? Does it smell like turpentine or fresh fish?” She sprayed a general mist of Crazy Gardenia over his left shoulder. The paper petals on the headpiece rustled as she moved.
“Well, actually, um, maybe, um, I don’t know, neither. Well, more fish than turpentine, and maybe not all that fresh. But now I hear something!”
“Yes, Excellency?” Sadie said nervously, trying to make Nick take the headpiece. “Is it a waterfall or a sort of knocking?”
“It’s a forest fire,” the emperor said, sounding pleased. “Very distant, but I know that’s what it is. I hear a forest fire.”
“Amazing,” Sadie said, trying to force the headpiece over Nick’s head while he tried to hold her off. “Your hearing must be much more sensitive than we realized. This will take some extra calculating and ca
librating—” she grunted, twisting away from Nick and shaking the headpiece at him angrily.
“Everything all right?” the emperor asked, concerned.
“Perfectly, yes, just great, Excellency. This is hard work, make no mistake, and sometimes doing something the right way demands almost superhuman efforts under conditions of great difficulty.” She held the headpiece out to Nick, who was sulking. “But that’s how it is if you want things to work right.’’
Nick snatched the headpiece from her and put it on, working it down over his head without any effort to keep his movements silent.
“That forest fire sounds a lot closer now,” the emperor said. “1 can all but feel the heat on my back.” He paused. “Yes, there it is. I feel like I’m standing in front of an enormous fire, all right.”
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