by Alison May
I taper off. Perhaps attack is a better form of defence in this case. And just in case Henrietta failed to give him a sufficiently hard time, it seems fair that someone should.
‘Anyway, don’t you think you’d be better off concentrating on your own relationships for a bit?’
Claudio’s chin has dropped on to his chest, but he’s still glaring up at me. He reminds me of when he was a teenager and someone would tell him off. It’s a mix of defiance and contrition. Defiance seems to be winning. He mutters into his chest but it’s clear enough what he said. ‘You are still in love with her though, aren’t you?’
I give him another look and walk out of the kitchen and out of the flat. Claudio is seriously taking the piss. He and Danny interfered enough with me and Trix before the wedding. And Claudio should have a better idea than anyone about the stupidity of interfering in other people’s lives. As I leave, I give the door a proper hard slam. It feels good.
Chapter Fifty
Henrietta
Claudio looks really sad when Ben storms out. I can’t have that. Claudio is supposed to be happy now. It’s my job to make him happy. I press myself all against him and snake my arms around his back. He flashes a grin at me and raises his eyebrow. At first I don’t get what he’s driving at, but then he unpeels my arms from around him and drags me by the hand into the bedroom.
It is nice to be back with him. It’s nice to be at his house too. I can relax a little bit more here. It’s not my responsibility to keep it nice. I wish I hadn’t thought that. Now the thought is in my head, I can’t help but notice that it is a bit grubby in places. I close my eyes and try not to see it. I mean, it’s to be expected, really, with just two boys living here. Claudio lowers me back on to the bed, and I try not to wonder when he last changed the sheets. I can’t stop myself from tensing up a little bit though.
‘Baby, are you OK?’
I open my eyes. ‘I’m fine.’
I make my face into a smile to reinforce how I’m happy.
He grins. ‘Let’s see if we can get to more than fine.’
He starts kissing down my neck and chest, which normally I do really like. Well, I know that he really likes it, and I like making him happy, so I do really like it. I lie back and close my eyes again. Suddenly, he stops kissing me, and sits up. ‘We should have a party.’
‘What?’
‘Well, for you, ‘cause the wedding was spoilt, and as a goodbye before we go to Italy, and to celebrate that we’re back together, and to make up for the fact that our friends won’t all be at the wedding.’
I don’t really know if I want to have a party. I think, maybe, I want to slope away to Naples and just live like the last few weeks never happened, because in any way that matters they didn’t really. John’s gone. Claudio’s back. We’re together. I think I want to act like this is how it’s always been, and let everything else just fade down into a minor blip that’s not even worth mentioning out loud.
‘It’d be great. It’d be just like the party we had when I came back. That was a great party. You looked so beautiful. Come on. We should be celebrating.’
And he looks so excited, and I feel bad about not being excited straight away too. I’m sure a party would be lovely. It’s sweet really that he wants to have one, to make up for missing out on the normal wedding party. It’s considerate of him to think of that. I should be more grateful. ‘That would be lovely.’
‘Excellent. We’ll ask everyone that came to my coming home party.’
I nod. That will be perfect. Obviously, that will be a little bit more Claudio’s friends than mine, but we can’t ask everyone that was invited to the wedding. That would be far too many people. I’m sure this will be much nicer.
Claudio grins at me. ‘Sorry. I got distracted. Where were we?’
He starts kissing down my neck again, and I give a little moan to show him that I like it, and close my eyes.
Chapter Fifty-One
Ben
Storming out does have quite a nice dramatic feeling to it, but the anger only sustains me as far as the end of the road. I’m actually not great at anger. I know I come across as a miserable bugger, but actual fully-fledged temper is a bit tricky to maintain. I tend to default back to a sort of placid indifference fairly quickly.
It’s a good example of regression to the mean actually, of how things tend to vary back towards an average or norm. It accounts for quite a lot of the effect of things like homeopathy. People consult a homeopath at the height of their illness, a situation which is intrinsically abnormal. Over the next few days or weeks they regress to the mean ie. the illness gets a bit better, and the person, quite wrongly, attributes the improvement to the homeopathic medicine. I make a mental note to use my reversion back to placid indifference as an example in a book sometime.
I get to the end of the street unwilling to go straight home, but calm enough to realise that the obvious alternative is just wandering the streets. I count the days through my head, and decide that it’s Saturday. That’s another problem with being freelance – I never have a clue what day it is. Saturday means people with jobs might be at home. Excellent. I’ll go and see Danny.
I decide to walk, feeling like a decent walk will probably do me good, and make up for having done nothing with my day but lie in bed and eat toast so far. I haven’t done a great deal more than that with my week, and walking to Danny’s seems like a decent substitute for real activity or achievement.
The universe doesn’t agree, and it starts to pour down about ten minutes into the forty-minute walk. I’m still resisting going home where I could get dry, or get my coat, or even my car, so I power on. By the time I arrive at Danny’s my hair is matted down to the side of my face; my clothes are drenched, and I can feel a channel of water forming from my hair straight down the back of my neck. Hopefully, Danny will be in and will lend me a dry T-shirt.
I run the last hundred yards to his house, revealing me to be deeply unfit, sending my breathing into over-excited asthmatic dog rhythm, and turning my face bright red. I add renewing gym membership to my mental list of things I can later put off, and ring the doorbell.
‘Oh.’
‘Oh. Hello.’
‘Hi. What are you doing here?’
‘Visiting Danny. What are you doing here?’
‘Same.’
Trix
I stand in the doorway for a moment and look at him. It’s the first time I’ve actually seen Ben since the horrible morning after. He’s dripping wet and out of breath, but mainly I’m preoccupied with how he’s here, now, in front of me, and I’ve had no chance to mentally prepare. I’d realised that I wasn’t going to get through the rest of my life without seeing him; I know he’s coming into work next week to judge the art competition, but if I’d seen him there it would have been under managed circumstances with time to prepare and other people around to hide behind. I was planning to be cool and professional, and then go home and neck a bottle of wine in self-congratulation.
‘It’s a bit wet.’
‘Yeah.’ I can’t think of anything else to say.
He’s looking at me very oddly though. ‘I’m getting very wet.’
‘Yeah.’ Power of speech still not fully recovered.
‘Can I come in, do you think?’
‘Yes. Sorry. Do that.’ Come in? Of course he can. Shit. That’s what you do after you’ve answered the door. You ask them to come in.
He drips into the hallway. Danny comes downstairs from the bathroom at the same time, and makes much fuss about how wet Ben is. Danny rushes around finding towels and dry clothes, and bustling Ben off to the bathroom to change. I stand in the hallway watching all of this, glad of the activity, which reduces the need to think of words to say.
Danny and I were about to go out for lunch. He’ll invite Ben now, which is normal. That’s what we always would have done. If two of us were going somewhere and we ran into the other they would tag along. That’s how we always behaved, back whe
n things were normal. Things don’t feel normal any more, and I don’t want to sit through lunch with Ben pretending everything is OK. It’s bad enough doing it with Danny, and that’s just other people’s lives.
Maybe that should never have been normal. Maybe there was stuff under the surface that it would have been healthier to get out and share and resolve, but we never did. I never did. I figured Ben never would. Even when we were together we argued about what we thought, not how we felt. He never tried to open the little box of unspoken things that always lingered in the hard to reach corners of our just-good-friends relationship, and I didn’t either. I never really tried to get things resolved. Maybe because, if we’re honest with ourselves, resolved is just another word for over.
So we go for lunch, and actually, it almost feels quite nice to be back here, the three of us just hanging out. We’re not talking about anything that matters, but that’s good. The last few weeks have all been big emotion and worry and constantly trying to hold everything and everyone together. It’s nice to relax, well not quite relax obviously. There are still some subjects we’re just not mentioning. But talking about nothing at all feels like a rest.
Danny and Ben are discussing their burgers. Ben has a cheese and bacon burger, whereas Danny has gone for the ‘Ultimate burger’, which has cheese, bacon, jalapenos, and beef chilli. Ben does not think chilli is a good addition to a burger.
‘Burgers should be burger, cheese, possibly bacon, slice of tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise and a gherkin.’
Danny shakes his head. ‘You can’t like the gherkin.’
‘’Course not. You pick the gherkin out. It’s still an integral part of buying a burger.’
It’s a pointless conversation, but it’s keeping us going, and nobody’s stormed out, and nobody’s cried. The conversation lulls for a moment, and we munch on our burgers without making eye contact. We haven’t quite reached the level of easy silence yet.
Danny breaks the impasse. ‘So Claudio and Henri are back on?’
Ben nods. ‘They were all over each other in my kitchen this morning.’
‘I can’t believe she just took him back.’ I can feel my temper rising as I think about her standing at the altar. I’m not sure I believe things can instantly be all better.
‘How was she?’ I have to ask. I really hope she’s OK, but she’s been spinning out for the last few weeks. I’m not sure I believe it can be all better that quick.
Ben pauses.
‘Quiet.’ He shrugs. ‘What do I know though? I only saw her for a few minutes.’
Danny swallows. ‘I hope they’ll be OK.’
I can’t help being worried. ‘Maybe I should check that she’s really OK.’
Danny shakes his head. ‘Or maybe we should leave them to it. After all, I don’t think any of us is particularly well qualified to advise on affairs of the heart.’
There’s another silence. It’s the first time that what happened with John, or, in a way, with Ben and me, has even been alluded to. I’m not sure how to react. And then Ben laughs, and Danny laughs too. So I join in, and after a second I find that I can’t stop, because it is really quite funny. We’re attractive, intelligent, successful people, well Danny and I are, certainly. It is sort of funny that we don’t seem to be able to hold together any sort of adult relationship.
The laughter breaks the nervousness around the table, and Danny continues. ‘The stupid thing is, I miss him.’
‘I saw him.’ Danny and I flip our heads straight at Ben.
‘When?’
‘Where?’
‘Did you talk to him?’
I think I must have asked all of those, because Danny doesn’t seem to have spoken at all.
‘In town. He was really friendly actually. Like nothing had happened.’
‘I can’t believe you talked to him.’ This behaviour clearly breaches some sort of friend code.
‘I wasn’t friendly to him.’
Danny shakes his head. ‘It’s OK. What did he say?’
‘Not a lot. Just “Hi, how are you?” sort of stuff.’
‘How did he look?’ Danny is staring at the table, like he wishes he didn’t care.
‘Fine.’ Ben shrugs. ‘I asked him about Claudio.’
‘What did he say?’
‘Not much. Said it was just a bit of fun.’
‘That was all?’
‘That was all.’
Danny is looking down at his plate; I reach over and rub his arm.
‘I know that he was a louse, and I know that we should have broken up years ago, but I miss him. It was good to have someone around.’
‘Not at any cost though.’
Danny nods. ‘I know. Everything feels odd at home though. The house is too big for one person.’
‘You’ve been on your own there before.’ Trust Ben to miss the point.
‘But before I always figured he’d come back.’
I have to ask, just so I know how much of what I really think about John I’m allowed to say. ‘And you’re sure he won’t be back this time?’
Danny’s face twitches. ‘I wouldn’t have him in the house.’
‘You’ve said that before.’
‘This is different. It’s good to have someone, but you’re right. Not at any cost.’
Ben is breathing heavily beside me. ‘Can I ask you something?’
Danny nods.
‘Did John ever, I don’t know, hurt you, you know, physically …?’
Danny pauses as if the answer might be yes. ‘Of course not. What makes you think that?’
‘Nothing.’
Danny pauses again. ‘Good. Anyway, he’s history. Let’s talk of other things, to paraphrase the Walrus.’
‘OK.’
‘Actually, I need to heed the call of nature.’
Danny stands up and looks from me to Ben. ‘It is good to be with someone though.’
He strides off towards the toilet. I look at Ben. ‘Do you think that was a pointed comment at all?’
‘Our friends trying to interfere and get us together? Surely not?’
‘It just shows they care.’ I’m feeling quite warm and fuzzy towards Danny at the moment.
Ben grins. ‘Spose he just wants us to be happy.’
‘And being with me would make you happy?’ Well, come on. I might as well score the point whilst I’m here.
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘It was implied.’
‘Not at all. I merely implied that Danny thinks you would make me happy.’ He’s smiling though. If it wasn’t Ben I might almost think he was flirting.
‘We should tell them about the wedding night. That’d shut them up.’
He opens his mouth, and closes it again, and opens it again, and closes it again. I think the wedding night was probably supposed to fall under the terms of our unspoken list of things that are not mentioned. I’ve thrown him on to unexpectedly unstable ground. In the end, he just shrugs. ‘Tell who you like.’
This is very unstable ground. I can feel my certainties shifting. I’m not at all sure whether I like it or not. I laugh, keeping my tone light. ‘And here was me thinking you were ashamed of me.’
He actually looks shocked. His mouth opens and closes and then opens again before he manages to shake his head. When the answer comes he sounds more upset than angry, I think. ‘Don’t be stupid.’
For a second I think he’s going to continue, but then Danny comes back from the toilet. ‘I want cake,’ he announces. ‘Do they have cake here?’
They do. They have chocolate fudge cake, so we order cake and pass another hour eating cake, and I’m sure it’s good cake and I do like cake, but I really can’t taste it, but we eat and we manage to keep talking about nothing very much. And the discomfort between the three of us has definitely eased. Well, the discomfort between me and Danny, and Danny and Ben has gone. I can’t actually look at Ben. He actually looked shocked at the suggestion that he was ashamed of me. I don’t think I’v
e ever seen him shocked before. He can be goofy and he does get kind of stupid with strangers, but this time he seemed physically knocked back. I managed to stump the man who has an answer for everything.
Danny is carrying the weight of the conversation. He’s chatting on about work, and maybe renting out a room at home, and probably a thousand and one other things. I’m barely managing to nod in the right places. I notice that Ben isn’t doing much better.
Danny downs the last of his drink, and looks at the two of us. ‘Well, I’ve got some shopping to get so I’ll head off. What are you two up to?’
Ben shrugs. ‘Probably just head home.’
I nod. ‘Me too.’
Danny laughs as he stands up. ‘Well have fun. Try not to let the excitement overwhelm you.’
We sit for a moment after he’s gone. I wonder whether to offer to buy him another drink. I wonder whether he might offer to buy me one. He doesn’t, and I don’t. I pick my bag up from the floor. ‘Well then ... ’
Ben nods. We both stand up, and I put my jacket on. Ben claps his hands together. ‘Right.’
We walk towards the exit. ‘The weather’s brightened up.’
Ben nods again. How did we come to this? Me and Ben talking about the weather. At least when we were arguing, you could expect a decent quality of conversation.
Out in the street, we turn to face each other. I’m not sure whether to shake his hand, or kiss his cheek, or just run away. We’ve known each other for more than a decade. Why can’t I remember what we normally do? In the end I sort of pat his shoulder. ‘I’ll see you then.’
I start to turn away. Ben takes a step after me. ‘I could walk with you a bit.’
I nod. I was actually going to get the bus, but I don’t say that. I just let him fall into step next to me.
Ben
We walk in silence for a bit. It’s OK while we’re in the city centre. The streets are busy and I keep getting bustled out of step from her, so it’s hard to chat much anyway. By the time we hit the suburbs the streets are empty, and the silence is getting louder. I wish that Danny was still with us. He’s a good man for keeping the conversation going. It’s the old problem with small talk again. I don’t have any insignificant chatter to offer. She tried to talk to me about the weather as we were leaving the pub. I just nodded. It’s really the safest way. If I start talking about the weather I end up in a lecture about different sorts of cloud, and, apparently, that’s not generally considered to be interesting.
