by J. Daniels
I was a fucking moron.
I thought I was protecting her.
But in the end I destroyed everything we’d ever have.
Chapter Twenty
SYDNEY
One Month Later
I was standing at the kitchen island crushing up Doritos in a Ziploc bag while humming along to “Suspicious Minds” as it played through my one earbud, my other ear going without the soothing voice of the King since I didn’t want to risk missing the timer on the oven and burning my Mexican Chicken Bake, another new recipe I was trying out for Sunday family dinner.
This would be our fourth one. Meaning this was the fourth new recipe I was experimenting with and testing out on our friends.
It was a risk not sticking to the familiar since I was feeding such a large group, but it was paying off. The past three recipes had all been highly praised and devoured by everyone, meaning the number of recipes I was now comfortable making had doubled since moving to Dogwood.
I had high hopes for the Mexican Chicken Bake.
Not only because of my track record but also because of the delicious aroma coming from the oven as the chicken was baking, and according to reviews, it was an excellent meal to cook ahead of time and warm in the oven when you were ready to consume it.
That was why I chose it for today and why I was cooking it four hours before everyone was due to come over.
Brian and I had plans this afternoon. Important plans. Plans I wouldn’t miss for the world or take any time away from because I had to get home and make a meal.
For the first time in five months, my boy was getting back out on the water.
This was huge.
Huge.
And I was overwhelmed with joy because of it, so much so I’d cried last night when he announced what we were doing today and I’d cried twice already this morning just thinking about our plans.
Last night was unexpected. He’d caught me completely off guard.
We were lying in bed with Sir between us, talking about nothing and everything like we always did, when Brian blindsided me.
He’d been thinking about surfing a lot, mainly because I kept bringing it up hoping it would spark discussion, which never seemed to happen. He’d change the subject or distract me with his mouth pressing to my skin and I’d forget all about it. But it got him to thinking he might be ready to give it a go again, but under one condition.
He needed me there. Me. No one else.
Today was going to be one of those days I’d never forget as long as I lived.
I could not wait.
Setting the one Ziploc bag aside after getting all the chips crushed to the consistency I needed them in, I filled another Ziploc bag with Doritos, sealed it good, flattened it on the counter in front of me, and took my rolling pin over it, breaking apart all the chips.
The song in my ear ended and “Can’t Help Falling in Love” started playing.
I smiled. I loved this song.
Like loved this song, so much so I wanted it to be what Marcus and I shared our first dance to at our wedding.
It wasn’t. We danced to some overplayed top forty hit instead.
Once Marcus shot down my choice saying he wouldn’t dance with me to some old-ass shit his mother probably got down to back in her day, I didn’t really care what we danced to. I just picked something slow I’d heard a hundred different times on the radio, figuring his mother probably didn’t listen to that station and I’d be in the clear of her ever getting down to it.
Looking back, I should’ve told him to shove it and danced by myself to the song I wanted. I never should’ve compromised on that.
Marcus wasn’t worth it.
Getting lost in the lyrics like I always did, swaying my hips slowly and closing my eyes through the chorus, I didn’t see or hear Brian move into the kitchen or step up behind me, only becoming aware of his presence when he snaked his arm around my waist and kissed my neck.
I sucked in as my eyes flashed open, let go of the rolling pin, and squeezed his arm that was holding me.
“You scared me,” I said, sounding a little breathless, then tipped my head to the side and dropped it back, leaning into him.
He brushed my hair behind my shoulder and took the earbud out of my ear.
“What are you listening to?”
I spun around and watched him bring the earbud up to his ear, hold it there, and listen for few seconds while keeping his eyes on me. His mouth tipped up in the corner.
“Should’ve guessed.” He handed the earbud back, doing so while looking amused.
This wasn’t the first time Brian had caught me getting lost in the King. Wouldn’t be the last either.
I pulled my cell out of my pocket, stopped the song, unplugged my headphones, and set everything on the island behind me.
“Smells good in here, babe,” Brian said, turning his head as if he was sniffing the air.
“Thanks.”
He stepped forward and reached around me. I heard chips crunching.
“What’s with the Doritos?”
“Ah.” I slid over so I wasn’t standing between him and the island anymore, picked up the other bag of Doritos I’d pulverized, and held it up, looking at it and explaining, “It’s the topping for the Mexican Chicken Bake. When the timer goes off, I’ll sprinkle these on top then bake it for another ten. It adds a tasty crunch. Plus, it’s totally kid friendly.” I moved my eyes to Brian. “The twins like Doritos, right?”
He shrugged. “They’re kids. Pretty sure they like all chips.”
I nodded, replying, “That’s what I was thinking.”
We both dropped our bags of Doritos onto the island.
“Is your sister still bringing dessert?”
“Last I heard.”
“Good. Only thing we have is popsicles and that’s our thing.”
It totally was.
Brian had gotten us a house with a porch for the sole purpose of eating popsicles together on it. No other reason. It was totally our thing now.
“In terms of Jamie bringing something, I was thinking,” I began, watching Brian’s eyebrows lift in curiosity. “Maybe you could see if he wants to wear his shiny new medal to dinner. I’m sure everyone would love to see it. I know I would. I’ve never seen a World Pro Am Champion medal before.”
Brian stared at me.
“Babe.”
“Mm?”
“Love you.”
I smiled big.
“Love you, too.”
He didn’t smile back. He stood taller, stuck his hands in his pockets of his shorts, and looked at me carefully when he went on to say, “But maybe you need to ease off your girl a little.”
I stuck my hand on my hip and cocked it out.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“It means I think you’re trying to force something that’s not happening. She’s not feeling Jamie,” he replied.
“She’s feeling him,” I shot back. “She just doesn’t want to admit it yet. I’m only helping it along.”
“No, you’re not.”
I cocked my hip out farther.
“Excuse me?”
Brian looked at my cocked hip, then back into my eyes to say, “You’re not helping, Wild. Your girl is a push away from losing her shit during dinner. Look at what happened two weeks ago.”
I thought back to two weeks ago. That was the last meal we shared with both Tori and Jamie since Jamie was in Cali last weekend and didn’t get back until Tuesday. Nothing unusual was standing out about that dinner, and I told Brian that.
“It was a delightful evening. Everyone loved my beef stroganoff.”
He tilted his head.
“You assigned seats with place cards.”
“So?”
“Think you went a little too far with that one.”
“They sat next to each other, didn’t they?” I reminded him. “And it forced conversation. They talked a lot.”
“They argued a l
ot,” he corrected.
I leaned forward.
“That’s still conversation, Brian.”
He breathed a laugh, shaking his head at me just as my cell started ringing on the island.
It was Tori. Taylor Swift was singing to me.
I made a face at him before spinning around and snatching up my phone. “Hey, what’s up?” I answered.
“Syd, you need to come over here right now, okay? Right now. Don’t say anything to Brian, just get in your car and get over here. Tell me you’re gonna do what I’m asking.”
Tori was panicked, her words were running together she was speaking so fast, and her breathing was tense, quickened as if she was pacing the floor.
“Okay, um,” I stammered, looking up at Brian, who was watching me. I started twirling a lock of my hair. “Can you tell me what’s going on first?”
“No!” she shrieked. “I need you to get over here like I asked!”
“Tori…”
“Please, Syd, okay? Please! Get over here now! This is urgent!”
Wes. His name flashed in my mind.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I told her. “I’ll be right there.”
“Alone! Come alone!”
“All right!” I hollered.
She disconnected the call.
I stopped twirling my hair and stuck my phone into my back pocket.
“What’s up?” Brian asked.
“No idea, but I gotta go over to Tori’s. She’s flipping out about something.”
His brow furrowed.
“She didn’t say what?” he questioned.
I shook my head. Then I pointed behind him at the stove.
“When the timer goes off, can you put the Doritos on top and then bake it for another ten? I’ll be back as soon as I get her settled. Hopefully it won’t be too long. I don’t want to be cutting into what we have planned this afternoon.”
“Do what you gotta do,” he said, stepping closer, grabbing my face and kissing me. “We got time.”
“Okay.” I kissed him back.
Then I grabbed my keys, met Sir at the front door and told him he was staying home, stepped out onto the porch, and jogged to my car.
* * *
Tori had the front door swinging open before I even reached it, waving at me to hurry up.
“What’s going on?” I asked when I got inside. “You are officially freaking me out.”
She shut the door, grabbed my hand, and tugged me through the house.
“To preface what I’m about to show you, I need you to know why I was browsing a site like this. You keep forcing me to participate in family dinners and if I have to be around Jamie and his stupidly hot face, I can’t be doing it all worked up. It makes ignoring him a challenge,” she said, pulling me up the stairs.
I stared at the back of her head as we climbed higher.
“What in the world are you talking about?” I questioned, officially confused.
We reached the top of the stairs and Tori directed me down the hall to her bedroom, pushed the door open, released my hand, and moved to stand beside the bed.
Her sheets were messy and she had her laptop opened on it, facing the pillows so I couldn’t see the screen.
“Syd,” she began gently, reaching across her body to grip her elbow. “How well do you know Brian?”
I frowned at her question. This wasn’t about Wes?
“Pretty well, I think,” I replied. “Tori, what’s going on?”
She sat on the edge of the bed and spun the laptop around so it was facing me.
“Did you know he did this?” she asked, hitting a key and waking it up.
I moved closer so I could see what she was trying to show me.
A video was playing with the volume turned down so I couldn’t hear, but I didn’t need sound. I could tell exactly what type of video this was.
A man was thrusting into the woman lying beneath him on a bed, really going at her with vigor by the looks of it. The camera was angled behind them so I could only see his naked back and her limbs and her dark hair fanning out on the white sheet over his shoulder.
I gasped, looking to Tori. “Why are you showing me this?”
“Keep watching,” she said, her expression one of concern and worry.
I did as I was told because of that expression and looked back at the screen.
The man kept thrusting. The woman moved her hands to his shoulders and hitched her legs up higher on his back, her knee-high socks appearing to be the only clothing she’d left on.
Then the camera panned to the side to catch their profiles.
“Oh, my God!” I slapped my hand over my mouth and watched my boy move in and out of the girl he was fucking. Drawn to it because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I climbed on the bed and hovered over the laptop. “Oh, my God! What is this? Why is Brian on the Internet?” I shrieked, looking to Tori and gripping the sides of the screen.
“It’s a porn site. He’s all over it,” she answered.
Air raced in and out of my lungs. My nose started stinging.
“What do you mean, he’s all over it?” I asked weakly.
“He’s on the home page. Look.”
She reached around the screen, forcing me to let go of one side, and hit the Back button. The video vanished and a website appeared in its place. Xstasy.com scrawled in scripted red font across the top against a black background, and in the center of the screen, there was a still image of Brian taking some girl from behind.
Get Done by Dash flashed below the image.
“Oh, my God,” I whispered, covering my mouth again.
“Dash. That’s what Jamie calls him, isn’t it?” Tori questioned, pulling my eyes up to hers.
I nodded on the verge of tears while I stared at his hands on her hips and his mouth, opened on her neck and sucking.
My stomach rolled and twisted into a knot.
“He’s got his own channel, Syd. I looked. It’s him and the same three girls, it looks like, plus some of just him, you know, going solo. They’re dated. They’re all from this year. Some of them are from just a couple of months ago. Did he say anything to you about this?”
I cut my eyes to her.
She quickly shook her head through a frown.
“I’m sorry. Stupid question. I just…” She swallowed. “I can’t believe he’d keep this from you. He must’ve known you’d eventually find out.”
I looked back at the screen.
I was trembling. My entire body shuddered as I stared at that image.
“Why,” I whispered, my voice shaking. Tears fell to my cheeks. “Why was he doing this? Why? This isn’t who he is. He’s not a porn star. He’s not. He would never do something like this.” I lifted my eyes again. “It wasn’t him. It’s not him.”
“Hon.” Tori reached for my hand. There were tears in her eyes, too.
My best friend never cried.
“It’s not him!” I shrieked, pulling away from her. “It’s not! I’ll show you. Watch.” I started moving my finger over the mouse pad to open up a video when Tori grabbed my hand. “Stop!” I pulled away again. “I wanna see them!”
“You don’t, Syd.”
“Yes I do!” I cried, fighting against her arms, which were reaching for me. “Yes I do! I wanna see them. Let me see them! LET ME SEE WHAT HE’S DONE!” I was screaming. I couldn’t control it.
She slammed the laptop closed, slid it over, and grabbed my shoulders so hard I flinched.
“It’s him. Trust me, it’s him, and you do not want to see that, hon. You don’t.” She shook her head and let her own tears fall. “You don’t wanna see it,” she whispered, her bottom lip quivering. “Honey, please. Please don’t watch.”
I dropped my head and sobbed as my best friend’s arms wrapped around me.
I knew it was Brian. Tori wouldn’t lie and I knew I shouldn’t look.
But I did.
I had to.
“He’s mine. Let me see him,”
I whispered brokenly against her hair. I lifted my head, shrugging off Tori easily this time, and reached for the laptop.
She cried with her hand over her mouth as I flipped the screen up and navigated the mouse with my finger.
I wiped at my face.
I was determined to watch every video no matter how many there were or how long it would take me.
I got through three before I ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.
Tori held my hair for me and rubbed my back.
A true best friend did more than sympathize with your pain. They allowed themselves to feel it, too.
My tears were her tears. We shared them. We cried together.
I emptied my stomach, slumped over the bowl, and wept while dirty images polluted my mind and the mantra my mother used to soothe herself with rang out in my ears.
Don’t get comfortable being happy. It’ll only hurt worse when it’s gone.
I didn’t think her words could touch me. Nothing could touch me.
I had been floating, high above order and reality. Blessedly and blissfully in love.
I thought my mother was spouting bullshit. Her words didn’t have meaning. They would never be true for me.
I was comfortable in my happy. And love? It was beautiful.
Perfect.
Crazy.
Wildly beautiful.
I had thought about calling my mother, if we were speaking, which we weren’t, and telling her she was wrong, that you could be happy without fear of losing it, because I was. I wasn’t scared.
I should’ve been.
God…I should’ve been terrified.
I floated on my cloud of perfect love, delirious and oblivious to the dirty beneath me.
And when I came down, I didn’t float.
I fell. I crashed. And it hurt.
Worse than any pain I’d ever felt.
It was unbearable.
“Where are you going?” Tori asked as I left her in the bathroom after rinsing out my mouth in the sink.
“I need to talk to Brian. I need to hear it from him,” I called out on my way down the stairs.
Her quick footsteps followed behind.
“I’ll drive you. You can’t drive right now.”
“Fine.”
I didn’t have it in me to argue, and I knew I’d be coming back here with Tori anyway so what was the difference?
