by Ian Todd
“Right, here we go. So, wan step forward and wan step back. Fur you, that jist means daeing everything ye’d dae when staunin up, even though ye’re sitting doon. Then, wan step backwards and wan step forward. See? Nice and easy. Right, keeping baith feet planted oan the ground, ye shake yer bum and hips while at the same time, swaying tae the rhythm. There ye go,” she laughed, looking doon at Miss MacKenzie, whose shoulders wur swaying slightly. “That’s it. Noo then, erms above yer heid…brilliant! Noo start twirling yer hauns at the wrists, while pointing yer fingers tae the ceiling…don’t furget tae keep they hips swaying…that’s it. See? Noo then, here’s ma favourite bit…aw thegither, ‘Doooo the Spanish husselll!’”
Senga continued to sing, her erms straight oot in front ae her noo, twirling her hauns and fingers alang tae the drum roll, as Miss Mackenzie finally cracked up and jist aboot pished hersel wae laughter.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Senga, lass. I chust can’t help it,” she wept.
Chapter Thirty Five
Johnboy started getting the coins ready as the red phone box appeared in sight at the bottom ae the hill, doon beside Davey The Post’s hoose, jist before the junction ae the Lochinver Road. He still wisnae sure if Senga wis talking tae him or no, efter him explaining aw the happenings o’er the last wee while. It hid aw started aff quite calmly, wae him telling her aboot the auld sack stuffed doon the chimney. By the time he’d goat oan tae the deid sheep up at the water tank, there’d been a definite frostiness creeping in.
“Why did ye no tell me?” she’d demanded tae know, her nostrils flaring.
By the time he’d goat tae the crow tacked tae the front door, any semblance ae calmness hid long disappeared.
“And before ye ask, Ah assumed that it wis yer big pal that followed ye hame fae Ledmore Junction,” he’d said, trying tae lighten the load.
“Oh my God, Ah cannae believe you, Johnboy. How could ye? Ah thought we agreed that we widnae keep anything fae each other?” she’d howled at him.
“Because up until the nailed crow, Ah wisnae that sure that Ah wisnae imagining things and Ah also thought that ye might’ve thought that Ah wis trying tae burst yer happy bubble aboot living up here…that’s why.”
“So, why wur you oot and aboot in the middle ae the night in the first place?”
“Because Ah wis wanting tae go oot and aboot tae see if Ah could catch somewan oan the go, that’s why. That’s when Ah came across the lorries being loaded wae the boxes ae fish doon oan the beach.”
“Ah cannae believe this…whit the hell hiv Ah done tae deserve you?” she’d hid the cheek tae hit him wae, as if it wis aw his fault.
“Look, it wis wan ae your colleagues that goat us intae the situation in the first place. She obviously knew fine well whit the score wis aboot here. Blame her. She should’ve telt us before you signed the effing lease.
Silence.
That hid goat tae her fur a few minutes.
“Anyway. Noo that we know, it isnae a problem. We kin work roond it.”
“Work roond it? Did you jist say we kin work roond it? Ur you mad? We could’ve died if the cat hidnae woken us up that night.”
“Ach, fur Christ’s sake, Senga, don’t exaggerate.”
“That’s it. We’re oot ae here, the first chance we get.”
“Why? Ah thought ye liked living here?”
“And there’s nae chance ae us even considering buying this place, so ye kin furget that,” she’d shouted at him, bursting intae tears.
“Don’t be like that, Senga.”
“Get yer hauns aff me! Leave me alane,” she’d screamed, efter he’d tried tae comfort her, as she went and sat doon oan the chair, staring intae the fire, sniffling. “Ah cannae believe this.”
She’d put her face in her hauns and started tae greet, her shoulders shaking, as he started clearing the dishes aff the table across tae the sink.
“That’s that big effing crow…Miss MacKenzie telt me that it wid be a curse oan us, so she did.”
“Rubbish. It’s obvious that yer pal at work, this Ishbel wan, is part ae whit’s gaun oan, so she is.”
Silence.
“Ah’m telling ye, Senga, aw the people in these wee places up here, ur aw up each other’s arses, so they ur. It goes back hundreds ae years. Fall oot wae wan ae them and ye’ve goat a whole clan tae deal wae. That new pal ae mine’s, Grizzly Chops? He telt me that it’s aw okay fur them tae hiv a go at each other, bit if somewan else tries it, they’re aw oan yer case.”
“Johnboy, whit the hell ur ye oan aboot?” she’d turned and sniffed at him.
“There’s no way some rich basturt’s chasing me oot ae this hoose. Ah’ll deal wae the situation.”
“Right, listen tae me right noo, Johnboy Taylor, this carry oan his goat nothing tae dae wae us. That means you in particular.”
“Bit…”
“Naw, listen, we’re oot ae here as soon as we kin find another place tae live. Ah’ll start asking aboot the morra. Something will turn up.”
“As soon as ye dae that, then they’ll know that they’ve won. Whit aboot oor neighbours?”
“Neighbours? Did you jist say neighbours? If it wisnae fur me, then you or him wid’ve probably ended up killing wan another or ended up in the jail,” she’d spat.
“Ach, don’t exaggerate. Ah telt ye, Ah wis jist wanting tae hiv a wee word wae him doon at the hall.”
“Johnboy…please? Listen tae me. Ah’ve hid enough. Ah thought we’d left aw this kind ae crap behind us, back in the toon. This his goat absolutely nothing tae dae wae us.”
“We hiv left everything behind us and as far as Ah’m concerned, that’s the way it’ll stay. Aw Ah’m saying is that we shouldnae let the basturts get tae us. Noo that we know whit the score is, we kin be better prepared…and by that Ah mean no react stupidly and jist watch oor Ps and Qs. They’ve been hivving a go at Auld Grizzly Chops fur years noo and he’s still staunin. Ah’m telling ye, they’re jist daeing aw this as a frightener tae get access tae the land roond aboot us. Let’s see oot the lease. It’s only fur a year and we’ve been here nearly four months noo.”
He knew fine well that he hidnae convinced her. He also couldnae believe it when she said that they should get the polis involved.
“Ah’ve jist telt ye, he’s aw part ae whit’s gaun oan.”
“Whit aboot the custom guy ye mentioned?”
“Furget him. We’ll be oot ae here in a few months. As ye said yersel, it’s goat naff aw tae dae wae us.”
“Right, that’s it, Ah’m aff tae ma bed. Don’t you dare leave this hoose the night,” she’d warned him.
She’d been up and oot the door before he could warn her no tae dae anything stupid, like ask aboot fur other places that wur up fur rent. He stacked the coins oan tap ae the box. It wis the first phone box he’d ever been in that didnae smell ae stale pish. He lifted up the receiver and dialled. It wis ringing. He placed the ten pence coin in the slot, waiting tae be connected.
“Hello, Blytheswood Investments Limited. Kin Ah help ye?”
“Oh aye, er, kin Ah speak tae Donna Jeffs, please?”
“Kin Ah ask who’s calling?”
“Aye. It’s Johnboy…Johnboy Taylor.”
“Please haud the line and Ah’ll see if Mrs Jeff’s is available,” the receptionist said, before the sound ae shite music that wis far too loud assaulted his ears.
He’d only been in Donna’s fancy suite ae offices the wance, since he’d signed himsel oot ae The Royal, the previous October. It seemed like a lifetime away noo. Before they’d left tae heid north, he’d phoned her wae their new address. She wis the only wan ootside ae The Mankys that knew it. A week efter settling in tae Otago Street, Tony and Simon hid picked him up fae the flat. It hid only taken aboot twenty minutes fur Donna tae explain the set-up and the financial access details. She wid be taking care ae everything.
“Ah’m whit ye’d call in the profession yer financial adviser,” she’d said, as the other two hid sat th
ere and grinned. “Ah get three percent ae any transactions.”
“Transactions?”
“Business acquisitions, portfolio management, stuff like that. And before ye claim that sounds a bit rich fur a poor wee businesswummin like me, jist remember, it’ll be me that’ll be covering yer tracks…if ye know whit Ah mean.”
He hidnae called oan her services, so far. There hidnae been any need. Oan the way in tae the building, Tony hid warned him.
“Mind and don’t question her oan whit ye’ll be getting in return fur her management. She’ll take care ae everything, including aw the small print. Jist nod and we’ll get oan oor way before she starts trying tae sell us something we don’t need.”
“Johnboy! How ur ye daeing, son? How’s that wee angel ae mine’s getting oan?”
“Senga? Ach, she’s fine, Donna…so am Ah.”
“Aw, Ah really miss her, so Ah dae…and you tae,” the lying git quickly added. “When ur youse coming doon the road tae see us?”
“We’re no. Senga’s quite keen oan us hivving a clean break fur a wee while…maybe next year.”
“Ach, ye cannae blame her. This place certainly isnae whit it wis like in the good auld days, so it’s no. Ah wis jist telling…”
“Ah’m sorry, Donna, bit Ah’m in a telephone box that’s eating up aw ma coins, so it is,” he lied, taking another wan aff the pile and pushing it intae the slot before the first wan run oot.
“Oh, right, sorry. Anyway, whit kin Ah dae ye oot ae the day?”
“A couple ae things. Senga and me want tae buy the place we’re in…”
“Whit, Wee something or other?”
“Little Vestey’s Croft…aye. The lassie that owns it goat in touch a wee while ago asking if we wur interested. She lives in the toon…Shettleston. Ah think she’s a Green Lady, the same as Pat Broon…”
“And jist like Senga. Who wid’ve thought, eh?” Donna cackled, as he heard her flicking her lighter, obviously lighting up a fag.
“Anyway, she’s wanting two and hauf grand fur it. There’s land in there as well.”
“How much land?”
“Ah think it’s aboot a hunner and seventy acres…and before ye ask, it’s worthless, other than fur sheep tae graze oan. There’s hardly a flat bit oan the property other than the garden at the side ae the hoose.”
“Is there a schedule fur it?”
“Schedule?”
“It’s a document that ootlines the size ae the property and whit the seller values it at.”
“Ah’m no sure. It’s the daughter who owns it noo since her ma died at the tail end ae last year.”
“Oh, right, that’s fine. The estate wid’ve hid tae value it fur inheritance purposes. That’s no a problem. Ah kin access that. So, hiv ye spoken tae her and telt her that Ah’ll be dealing wae the conveyance?”
“Naw. Look, it’ll take too long tae explain tae ye, bit tell her that ye’ve spoken tae Senga and she’s happy wae the price and that she’s asked you tae deal wae the sale oan oor behauf. Ye also might like tae tell her that the reason we’re gaun through you is because we don’t want any ae the locals tae know that we’ve purchased it, especially The Laird.”
“The Laird?”
“Aye. She’ll know whit Ah’m oan aboot.”
“R-i-g-h-t,” Donna sang slowly, as he laughed.
“It’s nothing, jist some hoity-toity rich prick that thinks he’s a bit ae a fly-man. He snaps up aw the local hooses using shitty tactics. He’s been gieing us a bit ae a hard time recently, trying tae get us tae move oot. Ah want tae get wan o’er oan the stupid basturt, withoot him knowing that it’s us that hiv taken it o’er.”
“It’ll need tae be a company acquisition then. That won’t be a problem. Aw hoose sales ur registered and the new owner’s names declared. Ah’ll use Blytheswood and we kin transfer it o’er tae you and Senga at a later date when it suits youse. It’ll add tae the cost ae hivving tae transfer it again at a later date. Whit’s the present owner’s name and address.”
“Angelina MacLeod. Her address is 246 Shettleston Road.”
“Phone number?”
“It wis oan the tap ae her letter, bit Ah left it back up at the crofthoose.”
“Never mind. That isnae a problem. Anything else?”
“Aye, Ah need ye tae send two hunner quid tae a Mr Flintlock McBean, Happy Horizons Holiday Park, Achmelvich Beach, Sutherland.”
“Spell Ach-whit.”
“A-c-h-m-e-l-v-i-c-h. It’ll need tae be cash.”
“Cash? Oh, ye widnae want tae dae that. Some ae these wee posties ur always oan the look-oot. Big Pat hid a whole bunch ae them raking it in oan his behauf back in the sixties, so he hid.”
“It’s the Highlands, Donna,” he reminded her.
“Look, where there’s people, there’s crooks. Believe you me.”
“Aye, well, Ah’ll take yer word fur it. Also, McBean cannae know that it’s come fae me. The local cooncil is aboot tae sell his place fae under him, unless he kin square up his rate arrears. The place is a dump, bit it’s his dump. Ah want tae help him oot.”
“Nae bother. Ah’ll get oan tae that the day. The GPO will want a sender’s address, so Ah’ll hiv tae gie it a wee bit ae thought…Ah widnae want the money tae go astray, if he disnae receive it fur some reason.”
“Right, look, Ah’ll need tae go, Donna. Ah know Ah shouldnae hiv tae say this, bit this is between us, okay? Naebody doon there’s tae know whit Ah’m up tae.”
“Ah’ll jist pretend that Ah never heard that. How dae Ah let ye know whit’s happening this end?”
“Ah’ll phone ye in two weeks fae noo. Will that gie ye enough time?”
“Aye. Look, how sure ur ye aboot acquiring this property?”
“We really want it, Donna. Senga loves the place and disnae want tae lose it.”
“Right. Ah hear whit ye’re saying. Leave it wae me. Mind you tell that wee angel wae the lamp that Ah love and miss her.”
“Ah will. Thanks, Donna,” he said and hung up.
Chapter Thirty Six
“Right, Flintlock, have a good day,” Davey The Post said, retrieving his pen and getting intae his wee van.
Grizzly Chops shut the door and heided back intae the living room, feeling the thick envelope as he went. He looked at the back ae it. Blytheswood Investments Limited, Bath Street, Glasgow. Mair loan rubbish, he grumbled tae himsel, tossing it oan tap ae the others he hidnae read oan the pile beside the stove. He couldnae remember how many companies he’d sent aff tae. This wis the first wan that he’d hid tae sign fur. In fact, he didnae think he’d ever signed fur two letters in the wan day. He sat doon and put oan his wee spectacles. It wis the other broon envelope he wis mair interested in.
‘Dear Mr McBean.
COURT SUMMONS:
You are hereby summoned to attend Dornoch District Court on Friday 23rd July 1976, to account for failure to pay Sutherland District Council business rate arrears totalling ONE HUNDRED AND TEN POUNDS STERLING. Despite numerous previous correspondences from the said council, you have failed to settle. In order to set and agree a date for the public sale of household goods and possessions, including any equipment, buildings or land thereof, associated with the said property, HAPPY HORIZONS HOLIDAY PARK, Achmelvich Beach, Lochinver, in the district of LAIRG, you are required to attend in person. Failure to attend in person on the date highlighted within this correspondence, will result in sheriff officers proceeding to a public sale.
Please contact me in writing or by telephone on the address shown in this correspondence.
Yours sincerely,
Hamish MacKenzie
Debt Recovery Section
Dornoch Courthouse
Dornoch’
“Basturts!” Grizzly Chops shouted, making Blackie the collie, who wis lying sleeping at his feet, jump as he scrunched up the letter before tossing it intae the open door ae the stove.
He looked aboot his surroundings. He’d been born in this very room.
There hidnae been a bedroom back them. That hid been added later, during the good times. If he wis honest wae himself, he’d known that it wid come tae this. Between Hamilton’s resources and Heckie MacLeod there tae dae the dirty work, none ae them stood a chance. Tae think he’d ever win hid been wishful thinking oan his part. It wis the money, or in his case, the lack ae it, that hid brought him doon in the end. If only he’d been able tae take enough in tae repair the caravans. If only…if only the moon wis made ae cheese, he cursed tae himsel as Blackie sat up and laid his heid oan his knee. Where wid him and Blackie go? He hid nothing that wisnae sitting in front ae them, apart fae hauf a dozen caravans that wur sitting oan their last legs…like him. He reached across and lifted up the bottle and sloshed a big shot intae the tumbler. He stood up and went across tae the cupboard and lifted oot the bag ae dry food, as the dug’s ears popped up in expectation. He wisnae hungry himsel, so the last meal wid be fur his loyal friend. They’d enjoy their last meal thegither, the way it should be. He couldnae leave Blackie. Whit wid become ae him? He went across tae the drawer and lifted two shells oot ae the cartridge box, before lifting the double-barrelled shotgun doon aff the wall above the fireplace and sitting back doon. He shivered, despite the chink ae sunlight shining through a wee clean spot oan the windae. It looked as if Blackie’s wet nose hid pressed up against it. He’d always wanted tae clean the windaes. Why hidn’t he, he wondered.
Chapter Thirty Seven
“Miss MacLeod? Hi, ma name’s Donna Jeffs. We spoke oan the phone.”
“Oh, of course. Please, come in,” Angelina said, staunin aside. “Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee, perhaps?”
“Naw, naw, hen, Ah’m fine. Ah’ve been drinking tea aw day, so Ah hiv,” Donna replied, looking aboot the neat wee living room, as a bus drew up at the bus stoap ootside. “Very cosy.”
