He’d never meant to hurt her. How could he make her understand that? How careless of him to even bring the subject up to Caleb. He felt like kicking himself. They had started their union with a marriage bargain. He should have been more sensitive, more careful.
She nodded. “It’s your haus and your food. You can come in and eat.”
Nein. He knew she couldn’t stand the sight of him. “We’ll call it quits right here. No more contact, no more uncomfortable moments or forced talking to be nice.”
She shrugged.
His brain was too tired to figure out what that meant. The only thing he wanted was to get out of here. His heart felt like it was ripped out and dragged around like a piece of dirt. Sadness, bitterness, loneliness all washed through his body at once.
Gott, I only did what You asked. I asked You to guide my steps and look where it has gotten me.
He needed to get away. To put some distance between him and May. When he tried to step in the buggy, Tidbit paced the ground and jiggled the buggy. “Whoa. Whoa.” He walked over, laid a hand on Tidbit’s neck and stroked it. “Jah, big guy, I know you sense my tension, and you don’t like it.”
The horse calmed at his soothing voice. Finally, Thad stepped into the buggy and set Leah on his lap. He tapped Tidbit’s reins and the buggy lurched ahead as the horse started to move.
In a few minutes, the motion of the buggy had Leah fast asleep. Thad glanced down at her face and sighed. He swiped away the tears rolling down his cheeks, then gazed out the window at the frozen ground, the harvested fields, the dead grass. Jah, Gott, I get it. It’s winter and time to let the ground rest and let my soul rest. Maybe I should have been honest with May instead of stacking lie upon lie.
He’d had two marriages in eighteen months. He felt burned-out. Tired. He’d tried to liebe April as best he could, and he did liebe May with his whole heart and soul. Maybe his calling in life was just to raise Leah.
May was hurting. He got that, but he’d hoped she cared about him enough to forgive him. But nein, that was not going to happen. Tomorrow he’d go see Bishop Yoder and ask if it was possible, if he’d make a special exception and let him and May get a divorce. Their marriage was never going to work.
After a twenty-minute ride to Jonah’s farm, he parked the buggy, carried Leah in, still sleeping, and laid her in the crib his parents had set up especially for their Enkelin.
He drew a deep breath, then found his mamm sitting in the kitchen and told her everything.
“Thaddaeus Thomas Hochstetler, you go back to that haus and make up with May right now! She is a gut woman and a hard worker. You hurt her feelings.”
“I didn’t mean it. I was tired.”
“That is no excuse.”
Thad sighed and looked down at his shoes. “Jah, you’re right, Mamm. Danki.”
The next morning, he begrudgingly got himself out of bed, dressed Leah and asked his mamm to watch her while he drove to town.
Thad stepped out of the buggy in front of the bishop’s haus. The door burst open and the bishop appeared, signaling him to enter.
“Morning, Bishop Yoder.”
“You’re out early and on such a bitty morn.” The bishop steered Thad into the kitchen. “Rebecca, if there is coffee left, would you fetch us a couple of cups?”
“Gut morning, Thad, so nice to see you.” She ran to the kitchen, then came back out with two cups of coffee. She set them down, and discreetly disappeared into another room. No doubt a prearranged courtesy when the bishop had visitors.
“So, what can I do for you this morning, Thad? You’re already happily married.”
“Jah, about that... May found out that I tricked her into marrying me and she is angry. Very angry. So angry she’s leaving me.”
“Thad, slow down, you’re making no sense. What has happened?”
“May found out that I sent you to talk to her, to insist that we marry. She loves Leah like her own kind, and I thought it would work out. But she doesn’t trust me or believe anything I say now, and I fear she never will. I broke her heart not just once, but twice. She wants to live apart, but that’s not fair to her. I want to set her free. I want a divorce.”
The bishop’s eyes widened. “Thad, you know that is forbidden among us.”
“I know, but since we just got married a few months ago, I thought you could make an exception somehow.” He tried to send the bishop a pleading look.
“Nein. Absolutely not. Your request can’t be approved. You’ll need to work it out, you and May,” the bishop said firmly.
“She doesn’t want to live with me. May can’t get past how much I hurt her.” Thad’s voice turned earnest.
The bishop folded his hands together on top of the table. After a silent moment, he spoke softly. “Yours is the first match I have made where the couple wants a divorce. I may have to throw away my matchmaking hat after this.” He tried to lighten the air. “I hope this foolishness doesn’t get around.”
Thad was in no mood to listen to a joke.
The bishop patted the table twice with his hand, scooted his chair back and stood. “Let me take your situation under consideration. No one has ever complained before. Give me a few days.”
“Bishop, May wants to buy a train ticket and move to Shipshewana as soon as she can.”
“Why, that’s nonsense! Why would she want to do that? What about Leah? She needs a mamm.” Bishop Yoder headed for the door.
Thad stopped in the doorway. “Because she hates me and wants to get as far away from me as possible.”
The bishop lightly put his hand on Thad’s shoulder, turned him around and pushed him out the door. The door closed firmly behind him.
Thad rubbed his chest. He already missed May, and she wasn’t even gone yet. What would happen when she left Iowa for gut?
* * *
May trudged up the stairs, trying not to spill the bucket of water or the cleaning caddy she carried. She turned the knob, opened the attic door and gasped as a huge cobweb hit her in the face. She set the bucket down and wiped the cobweb off her mouth. The air smelled dusty and stale, as she batted a hand to circulate some fresh air. Dabbing a rag in the water, she wrung it out and wiped around the doorframe to remove other webs and dirt.
She turned the flashlight on and shone the beam around, grateful the bishop let them use the device when necessary. She held the light in front of her as she stepped through years of accumulated dust.
From one end of the attic to another sat old furniture, objects of many treasured memories. Things she had long forgotten about: lamps, shelves and boxes marked Mamm, April or grosseldre. A pang of longing touched her heart.
She sighed deeply. It’d take her a month to sort through this mess. Her footfalls echoed on the wood flooring as she walked through the maze of cartons and old dressers. She moved a stack of boxes and stared... April’s oak boppli cradle. Daed had carved a fancy design on the head and footboard. May took the wet rag, wiped it down and cleaned the top edge where the name was carved. APRIL.
Her eyes filled with tears. It was as beautiful as her sister. She straightened and flashed the light all around. Where was her cradle? If her memory was correct, hers was plain with no carving on it. Finally she saw it, sitting farther back. She pushed a box of toys out of the way, picked up the dusty cradle and carried it to a cleared spot.
She dipped the rag in the bucket of water, wiped off a layer of years and flashed the light over the cradle. Astonished, she stepped back. It was made of a dark brown walnut. Plain, yes, but lovely inside and out. Carving would have destroyed the natural beauty of the wood.
Nein. Was that really her old cradle? She dipped the rag in the water and wiped a spot on the top edge. MAY.
She finished cleaning it and set the cradle with the other things she wanted to keep. May flashed the light around again and uncovered a big obje
ct that had been sitting next to April’s cradle. Mamm’s oak buffet. Beside that, she saw mamm and daed’s bedroom set. What was it doing here?
May huffed. Thad, of course. Something as wunderbaar as this bedroom set and that buffet, he hid away in the attic for the rodents to run across and gnaw on with their teeth.
Thad and April must have moved them up here on a day when May wasn’t home. Since Mamm died, they didn’t have large family dinners anymore. She had forgotten all these treasures were even here.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she drew in a ragged breath. She wouldn’t be able to take any of these things to Aent Edna’s haus. She couldn’t afford to ship all this. And even if she could, there would be no space for these things there.
May stumbled back against the buffet, her body shaking in uncontrollable sobs. She wasn’t just leaving Thad, she was leaving her family and all that she loved. Leah would never know what any of this was, who it belonged to, or what it represented. She’d never know her mamm or her grosseldre.
May calmed herself and dried her tears.
After dusting the top of the dresser, May set her rag down and opened a drawer. It wasn’t empty...it was stuffed full of dresses. Mamm’s things? But she’d given all Mamm’s clothing to a woman who had lost everything in a haus fire. They must have missed these. Well, she could tear them up into strips and weave them into rag rugs.
May picked up one of the dresses and shook it out. A spiral-bound notebook dropped to the floor. She bent, retrieved the book held closed by a blue ribbon and laid it on top of the dresser. She held up the dress. This would never have fit Mamm’s stout frame. Mamm had loved her strawberry-filled jelly donuts every morning and pie for supper. Whose dresses were they?
She glanced at the spiral-bound book. She folded the dress, slipped it back in the drawer, closed it and lightly caressed the book with her fingertips before picking it up. She had never seen Mamm write in such a book. Maybe it was her recipe book. After she’d died, May hadn’t been able to find it.
Wait a minute! She opened the drawer again, grabbed a dress and held it up. These weren’t Mamm’s. They were April’s before she got pregnant. She must have stored her old clothes in Mamm’s dresser.
A chill swept over May like the wind skimming over the pond on a cool evening. She picked up the notebook, untied the blue ribbon and slowly started to open the cover, then snapped it closed and threw it back on the dresser.
She stared at the book. What if it contained love letters to Thad? She choked back a tear and swallowed hard. Nein. She didn’t want to read April’s passionate words to Thad. And maybe his letters to her were inside.
She flopped in the chair, her heart racing. The pain from April and Thad’s betrayal still stabbed at her chest.
Why had May ever married Thad? She could never get a divorce, and the reminder of his liebe for her own sister stared her in the face every day when she looked at Leah. The kind had April’s face and Thad’s dark blue eyes.
Maybe it was best for everyone if she did move to Shipshewana. Why, Gott, after everything I’ve been through all my life living in April’s shadow, did You allow this to happen to me?
She noticed the blue ribbon dangling over the edge of the dresser. May grabbed the book. She didn’t want to see April’s words professing her love for Thad, but she needed closure.
She flipped the cover open and scanned the words...
Dear Diary—
Her heart raced. It was definitely April’s writing. Did she really want to know what April had hidden away from prying eyes? Something that was personal to her and no one had a right to see...
May needed to know the truth. Had to know the truth. She gingerly flipped the page.
Alvin and I liebe each other so much we can hardly stand to be apart. We sneak out at night to meet down at the creek and lie in each other’s arms until almost dawn. We talk for hours and plan our future.
May’s hand shook as she turned the page. With each page, she devoured word after word, paragraph after paragraph, that spoke of April’s love, but not for Thad, for Alvin, Thad’s older bruder.
I’m pregnant! Alvin and I are so happy. We can’t wait to marry and share our lives with our boppli. This is the happiest time of my life. The bishop will read our banns on Sunday.
She scanned down the page and stopped...
My life is a total shambles and my heart is breaking. Alvin died in a buggy accident. It’s just the boppli and me. Danki, Alvin, for giving me a small part of you; I will treasure this gift always. The bad part is...when they know I’m pregnant, and as members of the church, they will shun the boppli and me.
Her hand flew to her chest as May read on.
Thad has volunteered to marry me so the boppli can have a name and the community won’t shun us. I feel awful but I hope that someday May can forgive me. I’m desperate and have no place else to go.
May read for hours. About Thad, how his and Alvin’s daed made Thad marry April to keep her and the boppli from a shunning. At last, May burst into tears. Thad gave up his own life for his brother, April and Leah. Thad had chosen to sacrifice his happiness for the rest of the family.
Her heart sunk to the floor as her tears drenched her cheeks. She crumpled back in the chair, wiping her eyes and face with her hanky. Thad was an honorable man. He had kept April and Alvin’s secret all this time.
Now that she and Thad had separated, his liebe for her, like an old relic set in the attic and forgotten, would soon turn to dust.
Chapter Twenty
The sun peeking through the window shone a warm beam on May’s face and roused her from a restless sleep. Her mind sputtered to life after only a few hours of sleep, then began to focus. She regretted lying awake half the night rehearsing what she’d say to Thad. The thought of seeing him pushed her out of bed and hurried her to dress.
While the oatmeal cooked, she kept rehearsing what she’d say to him. She’d start by apologizing. Surely he’d understand. He had only moved out a few things so it wouldn’t take long to move back.
She selected her dark blue dress to wear. It deepened the color of her eyes, he once said.
Her hands shook when she slipped the harness on Gumdrop and tightened the girth. Words and phrases danced around in her head. How was she going to apologize to Thad? Would he ever forgive her?
She tapped the reins against Gumdrop. “Giddyap.” The horse trotted down the drive, past the garden, onto the road, and increased his gait as he passed the white picket fence. It was only a twenty-minute ride to Jonah’s farm and his parents’ dawdi haus.
May relaxed back in the seat, but the closer she rode to the Hochstetler farm, the faster her heart beat. Her palms were damp. It was like the first time Thad had asked her to go on a buggy ride. He’d been nervous and his tongue had stumbled over the words. All she’d been able to reply was jah.
Her chest squeezed her ribs so hard she could barely breathe.
She urged Gumdrop into a faster trot. May’s heart raced, thinking about throwing herself into Thad’s arms. She could feel his arms around her right now, pulling her closer for a kiss.
Her stomach turned somersaults.
“Hurry, Gumdrop, hurry.” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Lord Gott, danki for setting me straight. I should have believed Thad all along.
She’d surprise him with...what? Her newfound forgiveness because now she knew the truth? Would he be insulted because she hadn’t trusted and believed him?
Another thing spun around in her head. Why hadn’t he just told her about what was going on? Why did he feel the need to keep it a secret? Maybe he really had loved April.
She would never know for sure, but she had to trust Thad.
A tug to the right on the reins turned Gumdrop into the drive. She guided his steps to the dawdi haus around to the back of the main haus. Drawing a deep breath, she
blew it out and stepped down.
May knocked on the door. No answer.
She knocked again and stepped back. This time she heard footfalls in the hall on the other side of the door.
The door opened and Thad motioned for her to enter. “Did you come to see Leah?”
“Nein. I was hoping she’d be asleep. I need to talk to you.”
He led the way to the sitting room. “Have a seat.”
He sat on a chair next to the heating stove opposite the couch, his glance darting everywhere, avoiding eye contact with her. His actions made her uncomfortable, but she didn’t blame him after the way she’d treated him.
“Thad, I found April’s diary, and I know what you did and why.”
He was silent for a moment. “So what are you saying? Now you forgive me and everything is okay?” His manner was strangely calm. “You’ve forgotten about the past and that April and I were married?”
Her heart skipped a beat. What was he saying? She wanted it to work, she really did. She loved him... But she hadn’t thought about if she had fully forgiven him. Had she really turned her back on what he’d done to her? All she’d really found out was that April hadn’t loved Thad, and Thad hadn’t loved April.
At least she didn’t think so. Confusion stirred inside her.
Thad’s eyes locked with hers. “Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be together. People don’t usually flip from hate to love overnight. I ruined your life—twice. I’m sure now, after reading April’s diary, you want to forgive me. The thing is, you can’t just want to. You have to do it. And in this case, it also means that you have to forgive me for marrying April and all that went along with that choice.”
“I’ve loved you all my life, Thad.”
He crossed the room, sat by May and placed his hands on her shoulders, and turned her toward him. “Jah, even when I was married to April? You realize if your sister hadn’t died, we’d still be married.”
The Amish Marriage Bargain (Love Inspired) Page 16
