by Virlyce
Bang! The door to the VIP suite flew open.
And now I can freely rob more elders without feeling any guilt!
Chapter 5
There’s something special about Lucia. She just has this miraculous ability to … piss people off wherever she goes—except for my father, she’s an angel in his eyes. Disregarding my traitorous blood, this Azure Dragon Sect person looks absolutely enraged. I suspect he’s angry because Lucia made eye contact with him before closing the door when he shouted for whoever was in the VIP suite to get the hell out. I don’t know if she actually made eye contact because I wasn’t watching, but it wouldn’t make sense otherwise. Actually, I almost forgot the fact that I was in a nuthouse. Maybe there wasn’t actually a reason other than this elder really wanted to eat peacocks.
The elder twirled his finger around his white moustache, which was wispy and long—completely unlike the thicker and bushier mustaches back home. Am I so homesick that I’m missing what facial hair looks like? A jet of warm, moist air blew past my face, causing my hair to flutter. …Was that ejected from the elder’s nostrils? That’s so gross! Beat him up, Lucia!
“Which sect do you three hail from?”
“That’s none of your business, old man!” Lucia said, slamming her hand against the table. I thought it was going to shatter, but the red wood was a lot sturdier than I thought. Oh, there’s some energy coming off of it. Perhaps it’s reinforced in case fights break out? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. With how easily provoked people are in the Immortal Continent, fights should break out every other day in this restaurant. But why was Lucia blatantly provoking people as well? Oh, right. She’s an idiot. That’s why.
One of the young women that was standing behind the elder stepped forward. “Master! Look at how poorly she’s treating you, an elder of the Azure Dragon Sect! Allow your disciple to teach her a lesson!”
Was it just me … or did she have the same look in her eye when addressing her master that Lucia had when she wanted to tear off Durandal’s clothes? I, I think she really does. Is she a pervert or is liking older men the norm around here? The other women are staring at Durandal with probing expressions, so I guess the first one was just a pervert.
“Idiot!” The elder slapped the back of the outspoken woman’s head. “If you can’t sense her realm, she’s stronger than you! She’s a saint-realm expert that doesn’t fear our Azure Dragon Sect; what should you infer from that!?”
The woman bit her lower lip and stared up at her master with teary eyes. “That she has eyes but can’t see Mount Hai?”
What’s Mount Hai?
“Fool!” The elder slapped the back of her head again. “Who’s the one that can’t see Mount Hai!? It’s you! Apologize to the lady right now!”
“M-Master,” the woman said, tears rolling down her cheeks. The elder snorted so hard that steam came out of his nose and instantly dried the tears on the woman’s face. Yup, like I thought earlier, that’s really gross. The lady put away her childish expression and glared at Lucia before lowering her head. “I apologize for my outburst.”
Lucia blinked, then turned her head to stare at me, her eyes asking for help. Why was she asking me for help!? What’s wrong with this scenario that you need me to help you? Knowing Lucia, she was probably thinking something stupid like robbing a group of people without guilt by becoming a victim and now her plans were completely ruined. Lucia mouthed the words, ‘I wanted to rob them,’ and pointed at the elder’s group. …It’s sad how well I know Lucia. Being around her for a year has taken a toll on my sanity.
“Won’t you forgive this disciple of mine?” the elder asked as he naturally walked over to Lucia’s side and sat by her. What was he doing acting like this place was his home? For the record, I’m sitting on Durandal’s right while Lucia’s sitting on his left and the table’s a round circle with a circular bench around it. The door is directly to my right, so no one can sit beside me. Why am I sitting next to Durandal and not Lucia? Because I know how Lucia gets when it comes to restaurants. She’s paranoid about being poisoned, but she constantly wants to try new food. So instead of asking me to cast an anti-poison spell on every meal because she thinks it’ll ruin the taste, she’d feed me a piece of every dish to make sure it wasn’t toxic. And Lucia eats a lot. Every time I’m used as an experimental poison dummy, I have to vomit three to four times in the bathroom to make space for more food.
“Um. What if I don’t want to?” Lucia asked. Occasionally, Lucia can formulate a plan—but only when it comes to money, acorns, or hot chocolate—but the instant her plan goes awry, she turns into an idiot. No, that’s not right. She reverts back to her idiotic self. Also, she’ll forget any plan she makes if she’s distracted once. It’s upsetting, really. Lucia asks, read orders, me to plan things for her, but the instant something new appears, all the plans I previously set are ruined.
“Nonsense, she’s barely thirty years old, you can’t expect her to act maturely,” the elder said. Thirty years old!? She looks eighteen! And what do you mean a thirty-year-old can’t act maturely? I know some thirty-year-old grandmothers! The elder chuckled as he leaned forward and grabbed the teapot in the center of the table before pouring himself a cup. “My name is Strong Bear, but you can call me Brother Bear. What can I call you, Sister?”
“…Lucia.”
Yup, Lucia’s stunned because her plan failed. She’s hopeless now. And Strong Bear? Is that really his name? That sounds like something Lucia would kill and eat for breakfast.
“Sister Lucia,” the elder said as he stroked his equally-long-and-thin-as-his-mustache white beard. “You ordered all four peacocks the restaurant had. Surely you can’t finish it all with only the three of you—especially since there are two beautiful women; how about you share with my group? What do you say?”
Was he saying beautiful women couldn’t eat a lot? That’s sexist. And incorrect. Lucia’s stomach is unending. Lucia turned towards me, her eyes begging me for help. What was wrong with her? This is the second time in two days that I’ve seen her so flustered. The first time was when she thought Black Devil Shu was coming onto her. The second time is now … when she was complimented by Strong Bear. …Don’t tell me she’s weak to compliments? That can’t be. Back at home, she was always complimented for being strong and heroic and brave and … manly. Has she never been called beautiful before…? Oh my lord, she’s actually weak to compliments on her appearance.
“Hmm? You want your junior’s opinion? How considerate, madam,” Strong Bear said and smiled at me. “What do you say?” He must’ve seen my hesitation because he followed up with something outrageous, “I’ll pay for the whole meal.”
“Deal!” Lucia shouted. Everyone except Durandal and me flinched at that sudden outburst. “No take-backs!”
***
My perfectly laid out plan to rob these people was ruined. But that doesn’t matter! The only thing more enjoyable than robbing people is free food! Food always tastes a little better when it’s free; it’s like adding an exotic spice.
The door creaked open and the waiter poked his head inside the room. “The problem has been settled? The first dish is ready.”
“Bring it in!” I’m hungry! When was the last time I ate? Last night I had snake stew for dinner. I didn’t get to eat my midnight snack or before-dawn meal because of Durandal! I missed two whole meals; it’s no wonder why I’m starving. Ever since I reached the legendary realm, my food requirements jumped by a humongous amount. Luckily, all that food is converted into energy that’s spent somewhere and doesn’t accumulate as fat. There’s no such thing as a fat squirrel—they’re called slow-moving treats in hawk and owl language.
“Oh? The peacock’s already ready? I thought they took a while to cook due to their size,” Brother Bear said. Ah! I actually ended up calling him Brother Bear without noticing! Look at how old he looks! He’s balding with a white mustache and beard, and he’s super thin and bony too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he we
nt to sleep tonight and never woke up. How can someone this old be my brother? I’m youthful and vibrant and beautiful! Mhm. That’s right. I’m beautiful! Brother Bear said so. Ah! I called him brother again. I’ll call him Grandpa Bear from now on.
“No, the first dish is a fried river crocodile,” the waiter said as he pushed against the doorframe. The wall slid to the side like magic! Two people dressed in white walked into the room while holding up a lizard-like thing with a small roasted boar in its mouth. They placed it on the table before leaving the room, pulling the wall back into place. “Enjoy. Your refreshments will be ready shortly.”
“Ah…,” Grandpa Bear said as he stroked his beard. “A fried river crocodile. An interesting choice of appetizer. …At least it’s not very expensive.”
“That’s an alligator,” Ilya said. Hmm? Is there a difference? A fried lizard is a fried lizard. “You can tell by the snout.”
“Oh, this junior must be a beast tamer,” one of the women by Grandpa Bear said. What was that look of disdain in her eyes? I can tell when someone’s looking down on someone from a mile away! After all, I was always looked down on for the first two decades of my life.
Ilya snorted. “I’m not a beast tamer.” She met my eyes. …Then she looked like she was considering something. “Actually…?”
Hey! I’m not a beast, dammit, Ilya! And who tamed who!? If anything, you’re my pet encyclopedia!
Ilya shivered, and her shivering had nothing to do with my qi threatening to slaughter her. Nothing at all. “I’m not a beast tamer. It’s just common sense to know how to differentiate crocodiles from alligators.”
Is it? Sometimes I’m not sure which sock goes on my right foot and which goes on my left. But that’s only when I’m sleepy and just woke up! It doesn’t happen any other time! I swear. Anyways, time to dig in! I summoned two forks from my interspacial ring and stabbed them into the crocodile. Alligator? Lizard. I stabbed them into the lizard and tore off a chunk of flesh the size of Ilya’s head. This should be the right ratio to check for poison. If there’s too little meat, then the taster might get lucky and avoid being poisoned. If there’s too much meat, then there’ll be too little left for me to eat! “Grandpa Bear! Try this.”
“G-Grandpa?” Grandpa Bear coughed and pounded his chest with the fleshy part of his fist. “Who are you calling a grandpa!? I’m only two centuries old! If I—waguah!?”
Yeah, yeah. Only I’m allowed to call myself young when I know I’m not exactly that young. More importantly, is my meal poisoned or not? Of course, I only used one fork to stuff the head-sized piece of meat into Grandpa’s Bear mouth. I have to use the other fork for myself. Only Durandal’s allowed to share my spit! Wait, no, that’s not what I meant—I didn’t have any spit on my forks. I’ll only ingest Durandal’s spit! There we go. While Grandpa Bear is chewing, I’ll ready a piece of the boar too.
“S-Sister Lucia,” Grandpa Bear said. His face was red, and he looked a bit constipated. Hopefully that wasn’t due to any poison. Now try the boar! “Th—aguck!”
“How is it?” Poison? No poison? He looks like he’s about to die, but I can’t tell if that’s because he’s choking or not.
“M-Master!” the annoying woman shouted. She glared at me. “What are you do—ingeh!?”
I’ve gotten really good at flinging food into people’s mouths. Ilya always tries to run away from me when I need a poison tester, so I developed a separate method of distribution! I call it the Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Food Flinging Technique. Of course, that name’s a bit too long, so I don’t bother saying it out loud. Besides, people will expect it if I say it.
Ilya cut out a piece of the lizard and placed it onto her plate. Why did she look so happy? That’s definitely the kind of expression Durandal makes when someone else is suffering…. They’re both sadists. It’s sad how I’m the only normal person amongst my three companions. Puppers is a masochist, by the way, not a sadist. Anyways, time to feast!
Thirteen dishes later, Grandpa Bear and his disciples were groaning and frothing from their mouths. I tied them down so they couldn’t run away, and I had the waiter bring in some buckets in case my poison testers vomited. So far, the waiter had to replace four buckets.
“The first peacock is ready; it’ll be your next dish,” the waiter said after I cleared away the fourteenth plate. It was a giant centipede that I mostly fed to my guests because it creeped me out how its legs were still moving even though it was dead. But it’s finally time to eat my fake phoenix! Oh, and for some reason, I managed to plant seven new heart devils even though there were only six poison testers. I think I frightened the waiter.
***
This is refreshing. No wonder why Durandal and Puppers never help me out when Lucia is stuffing my face with food. The panicked expressions they make, the groans that accompany them, the desperate struggles for air, and the pale faces trying to keep the food down to preserve their dignity: It’s healing to the soul. …I’ve become a sadist, haven’t I?
Well, this meal has been a really nice one. The refreshments and meat have some sort of intrinsic property that counteracts my withdrawal symptoms. My headache’s completely gone, and my body is brimming with mana. It’s a little like eating divine beast meat when I was still a fifth-circle magician. Eating saint-realm beasts is doing wonders for my development. I can feel the outline of my ninth circle taking shape.
And these peacocks…. I thought they were going to be the size of a chicken since birds don’t get very large despite an increase in their strength, but I was wrong. They’re huge—about the size of a cow. Lucia’s poison testers weren’t very happy despite the fact they came here to eat the peacocks. But that’s probably because they’ve vomited several times now. I know their pain. Which is why I’m allowed to enjoy their suffering without guilt. Only those who’ve gone through hardship can mock others undergoing a lighter hardship!
“What!? The Azure Dragon Sect are in the VIP suite too!?”
That voice sounded familiar. What happened to the soundproof walls? A few seconds later, Black Devil Shu burst into the room with black qi-like energy surrounding him: Lucia continued to eat her peacock, the six poison testers were unresponsive, Durandal was still meditating, and it seemed like I was the only one available to greet the guest. “Hello.”
Black Devil Shu paused and nodded. “Junior Ilya, greetings. So, uh, what’s going on here?”
“These kind people have offered to pay for the meal.” Though they didn’t know Lucia ordered everything on the menu. I wonder how much they regret it. But I don’t think they’re in the right state to regret anything at the moment.
“…So why do they look so dead?”
“That’s just how the cookie crumbles.”
“What’s a cookie?”
They don’t have cookies on the Immortal Continent? “Forget it.”
Black Devil Shu shook his head and walked around the table. “Stinking Bear! What do you think you’re doing getting so close to a disciple of my sect?”
“D-Devil Shu, is that you?” The old poison tester was wheezing. “T-tell my sect master … that I’m sorry. I, I swore to die for the sect…, but my time has come … early.”
The door to the suite swung open as the two assistant chefs pushed open the sliding wall. The last plate of peacock was placed onto the table. Lucia’s eyes gleamed as she shoved all of what was currently on her plate into her mouth and reached forward with her forks. An unreasonably large piece of meat—about the size of my torso—was ripped off the bird.
“P-please, no more,” the old poison tester whimpered.
Black Devil Shu furrowed his brow. “What’s going on? Why….” His eyes widened to the size of saucers as the piece of meat vanished into the old poison tester’s mouth.
“Oh! Hey, Mr. Shoe. I didn’t see you there!” Lucia waved at Black Devil Shu and beamed at him before dragging the rest of the peacock onto her plate. I didn’t take any because I was full. Even though it was just
a few mouthfuls here and there, I did eat seventeen other dishes. And the refreshments left me bloated. “Did you want some?”
“Uh, that’s—”
“Great! More for me,” Lucia said. She opened her mouth wide and chomped into the peacock like an absolute savage. Were her teeth reddish-black from her Path of Slaughter? She was using her Path of Slaughter to eat? How hungry was she? Within a few seconds, half of the peacock vanished into her stomach which didn’t seem to grow despite the ridiculous amount she consumed. Does she have a pocket dimension in there or something?
“Well, it’s true that the Shadow Devil Sect and the Azure Dragon Sect have a hostile relationship with each other, but … killing them in this manner, isn’t it a bit too harsh?” Black Devil Shu asked.
The dying poison tester’s eyes widened. “Y-you,” he said and coughed out a mouthful of vomit while pointing at Lucia. Gross. At least the vomit slid off of Lucia’s invisible Armor of Slaughter and rolled into the bucket. “You’re from the Shadow Devil Sect?”
“That’s right,” Black Devil Shu said, responding for Lucia. She was halfway through what remained of the peacock. “She’s going to be a chosen.”
“Chosen!?” the woman who was in love with her master shouted. Then she tilted over and puked into a bucket. If it wasn’t for my tiny wind spell pushing the fumes away from this section of the table, then I’m sure the meal would’ve been quite unappetizing. “You, a chosen of the Shadow Devil Sect, didn’t divulge something as important as this and even ate with your enemies!?”
“Ah?” Lucia stopped eating. “We’re enemies?”
“Our Azure Dragon Sect has never been on good terms with the Shadow Devil Sect ever since the Shadow Devil Ancestor slept with our Azure Dragon Ancestor’s wife,” the old poison tester said.
