by Virlyce
“I was just wondering. Where did you get those?” The pink-robed man pointed at the panties in my hand that I hadn’t yet stored away.
“Hmm. I think I stole it from some kind of oyster sect disciple in Kong County.” Why did this person need to know?
“They’re emitting quite the fragrant scent.”
…He’s a pervert. How sick and depraved! I should shoo him away before people start to think I know him.
“I’ll buy them from you for ten spirit stones.”
But I’m not one to turn down free money! “It’s a deal.”
Softie stared at me, the person who was now ten spirit stones richer, and shook her head before sighing. “He’s from the Seducing Succubus Sect. Their cultivation techniques are a bit … deviant.”
The pink-robed man laughed. “That’s a nice way to put it,” he said and smiled. He tried to walk closer to me but stopped when I growled at him. “I’m willing to buy any kind of used underwear you may have, Heart Devil Lucia. It seems like the rumors of you plundering Kong County were true.”
“What about unused underwear?”
“I have no need for such unscented things.”
He’s a true pervert through and through. “Alright, you weird stranger, I’ll sell you all the underwear that I don’t need.”
The pink-robed man blinked and drew his head back. “Stranger? Didn’t I introduce myself?”
“No.”
“Oh, right. I didn’t. My name is Blooming Rose, but you can call me Brother Rose.”
“I’ll never acknowledge you as a brother.” Seriously! I can’t associate with perverts! Isn’t there that famous saying? Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are? That’s why I surround myself with smart people like Ilya and Softie. People will think I’m smart too! Aren’t I a genius? And that’s why I can’t associate with people like this pervert. At most, I can only sell used underwear to them. With that, I decided to stop going through my rings one at a time. Instead, I went through all of them to find the underwear! The pervert even bought men’s underwear. I can’t believe Durandal didn’t get rid of these while he was looking for swords. What’s he doing, making a young and chaste lady like myself touch such grotesque items? By the time I finished scouring through all the rings for underwear, the alchemy portion of the exchange had ended … along with another three portions that I’m not sure what they were because I was too focused on my current task. And I finally sold all the underwear for a nice tidy sum of … too much to count. I’ll make Puppers count it later.
“Junior Lucia, it’s your turn to go up on stage.”
Oh! It’s finally my turn! Wait. Why does the sect leader have two black eyes? “What happened to your face?”
“You weren’t watching?” the sect leader asked. His expression changed, but his cheeks were swollen too, so I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. Actually, his whole face was swollen like a pig’s.
“Nope. I was selling used underwear.”
“…The people I planted heart devils in during the last exchange all plotted against me. I fought thirty-eight rounds in a row.”
“Ooh. Did you win?”
“No.” The sect leader sighed. “I lost to that old fogey from the Righteous Buddha Sect. Chosen Lucia! As your sect leader, I am giving you a mission of utmost importance! Beat that old fogey’s grandson until he’s a millimeter away from death! Do you understand?”
“I understand!” But not really. I only said I did because his attitude was saying I couldn’t not understand. What the heck is a millimeter? Mm. I’m supposed to be smart. A meter is a unit of distance. And he wants me to beat the grandson a lot. I got it! “You want me to inscribe runes on every bone in his body and absorb them without killing him!”
“Can you do that?”
“No clue. I never tried.”
“Well, don’t do that. That’s cruel and unusual. Just hit him until even his mother won’t recognize him anymore. Oh, and there’s no pressure, but you better get first place.”
***
While Lucia engaged in her questionable sales, the King Province Exchange continued as planned: My grandmother obtained 42nd place in the alchemy portion. Elder Iron obtained 46th place in the smithing portion. Elder Shu obtained 45th place in the testing portion. And my grandfather obtained 29th place in the challenges portion. During the previous King Province Exchange, our sect brought a disciple who ended up thoroughly in last place—I wasn’t old enough at the time to participate. And the greatest amount of weight is placed on the disciple portion of the exchange because the best way to measure a sect is through its future potential. But this year, there’s a chance at victory because we have Lucia! For some reason, it doesn’t really feel like Lucia’s a part of the sect. Maybe it’s because she grew up outside of the sect. I wonder what she thinks about us. Well, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s representing us now. “You can do it, Lucia!”
Lucia sauntered up to the stage while counting spirit stones. She counts awfully slow for an earth-realm expert. I actually don’t think I’ve ever seen an elder count before…. They normally sweep their qi over the objects and instantly know the amount. And at the rate she’s counting, it’ll take her literal years to count up to the billions of spirit stones she obtained. I think she drained the Seductive Succubus Sect’s spirit stone reserves dry. …Isn’t Lucia richer than the whole Shadow Devil Sect?
“And let the disciple portion begin,” Emperor Yi said. He was resting his cheek against his palm with his elbow propped up on his seat’s armrest. I don’t blame him. He’s already a sky-realm expert; this kind of event must be tedious for him to conduct. But it’s his duty as the ruler of King Province. If he doesn’t fulfill his obligations to the ruler of Kang Country, he’ll be replaced by someone else.
“Wait!” Lucia shouted. “Aren’t you going to explain the rules, Quick Sh—”
Emperor Yi violently coughed as he sat up, muffling Lucia’s voice. “Everyone will fight everyone else in a duel. I don’t care how it’s done. Normally sects challenge other sects.” That’s how my grandfather was forced to fight thirty-eight times in a row. “Your placement depends on your wins and losses. The only rules are to not interfere with other fights and don’t kill each other. Do you have any other questions, Jun…, Lucia?” It seems like Emperor Yi hasn’t forgotten his lesson of addressing Lucia as Lucia and only Lucia.
“No questions!”
“Then let the disciple portion begin.” Emperor Yi sighed and slumped back into his seat, resting his cheek against his palm once again. I wonder when he’ll confront Lucia about her stealing his royal crest? There’s absolutely no way he hasn’t noticed its absence.
“I challenge the bald, fat grandson!” Lucia hopped onto the stage before anyone else could react and pointed at the chosen of the Righteous Buddha Sect. For a brief moment, the peaceful countenance on the chosen’s face flickered as his eye twitched. He sighed and climbed to his feet before walking up onto the stage.
“Challenging me so early? Truly, the ignorant have no fear.” The chosen pressed his palms together and smiled at Lucia. “My name is Smiling Pig. Are you—”
“Wait.” Lucia raised her hand. “Is that a nickname or is that your actual name…?”
Smiling Pig puffed his chest out. “It’s my actual name.”
“Jeez, and I thought my parents were bad for selling me off,” Lucia said and scratched her head. “I’ll feel bad if I beat up someone who was hated by their parents….” She sighed. “Ah wells. There’s nothing that can be done.”
Smiling Pig’s smile stiffened. “How dare you make fun of my family?” he asked as his eyes shot open. Before, they were just crescent moonlike slits. “Even a buddha will get angry when you provoke him three times!” A golden aura appeared around him as he pulled out a bell. Wasn’t that…?
“Lucia! Cover your ears!” I shouted before covering my ears with my hands. Everyone from the Shadow Devil Sect did as well. That was the
Sin-Devouring Bell, the strongest treasure of the Righteous Buddha Sect! It was actually entrusted to the younger generation! And it seemed like Lucia didn’t listen to my advice….
Lucia hunched over and vomited out a fountain of black blood before falling to her knees. The golden aura faded as Smiling Pig stowed the bell. I uncovered my ears, and immediately, Ilya tugged on my sleeve. “What was that?”
“That’s the Sin-Devouring Bell. It draws the sins out of a person!”
“Isn’t that a good thing…?” Ilya asked. “Wouldn’t that mean Lucia would become less greedy and mean?”
“No matter who you are, there’s always some sin inside of you. With the Sin-Devouring Bell, the Righteous Buddha Sect can draw out their enemies’ sins, then destroy it with their mantras, but everyone’s sin is a part of them. Suddenly having a portion of your personality destroyed can do catastrophic damage to your mind, sometimes halting one’s cultivation permanently. How could that sect claim to be righteous when using such heavy-handed techniques!?”
“Then you’re saying, that thing is Lucia’s sin?” Ilya pointed at Lucia. A black mist was rising out of her, leaking from every one of her pores. A cultivator shouldn’t have many sins since cultivation is all about diligence and separating oneself from mortal pleasures. But Lucia’s different….
“W-what’s going on!?” Smiling Pig asked as he took a step back, his face pale. He turned around and shouted, “Grandfather! Is the Sin-Devouring Bell broken!?”
The mist pouring out of Lucia completely obscured her body from view, becoming denser and denser while expanding at the same time. As if night were spreading from the ground, the mist around Lucia continued to grow, devouring all the light in the area, filling up half the stage. It bubbled and rose upwards like a pillar, but its ends split into four upon reaching the clouds. Emperor Yi had set up a barrier to prevent the mist from affecting the audience, but at the same time, he had trapped Smiling Pig inside the arena with Lucia. A golden aura was keeping the mist away from his body, but it was rapidly dimming.
“Is it just me, or is that a really big predator’s claw?” Ilya asked and pointed up at the clouds. The four branches of the pillar had curved, their tips narrowing into sharp points that could tear the sky. Black, billowing fur blossomed along the pillar as some kinks appeared, bending the pillar like an arm. Without warning and without a sound, the claw descended and shattered the barrier that Emperor Yi had erected. The Righteous Buddha Sect members screamed as their region of the arena was covered by the misty claw. The claw clenched, and the screams stopped. Then, as if it were all an illusion, the mist fell apart and was sucked back into Lucia, who was lying face down in the center of the arena. There was no one else on the stage.
“Lucia!” Ilya shouted.
Lucia’s tail twitched once. Then it twitched again. Her torso suddenly shot straight up, and she blinked a few times. “What happened?” she asked as she looked around. “Mm. There was that annoying sound. And then I fell asleep. A lullaby? But where did he go?”
***
I can’t believe I was lured to sleep! So much for a giant’s focus bone, huh? It couldn’t even keep me awake during a battle. I demand a refund. I should’ve made it into a strength bone. But why’s everyone looking at me so strangely? Mm. As usual, it’s because I’m special, isn’t it? Ah-ha-ha. No, seriously. Please stop staring. It’s unsettling. “Um. It looks like he surrendered while I fell asleep! And his cheering squad left too. Wow.” No one’s saying anything. Someone, please respond. “Hello? Anyone? Quick Shot?”
“Don’t call me that!”
Mm. The world is right again. Everyone’s moving and chattering now! For a second, I was afraid I broke apart common sense. Wait a minute. What if this is an illusion caused by the bell!? Then I’m screwed. I don’t have any techniques to counter illusions…. I really should learn one. I’m sure there was some kind of technique that caused hallucinations in one of my interspacial rings. When the leader of that illusion sect used it, I really thought I was killing people by ripping off their limbs! Anyways, I’ll ask Ilya a personal question. If she answers correctly, then this isn’t an illusion! I knew I was a genius. “Ilya! What kind of books do you keep underneath your bed!?”
“Why is that the first thing you ask me!?”
Okay. I don’t think I’m in an illusion. Then that means…? “I challenge the next person! I don’t care who you are, just c’mon up here.” The faster I get this over with, the faster I can eat lunch. For some reason, I’m really hungry. Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat anything while selling those panties? Hmm. No, then I would’ve been hungry before the first match. I know! I collapsed and fell asleep out of hunger. Why is my body so inefficient? It needs way too much food. Hah. At least I’m super-duper strong. But no one’s coming to fight me. “Anyone? You.” I pointed at a chosen—well, I think it was a chosen—and pointed at the ground by my feet. “Fight me.”
“I, I surrender!”
The hell…?
“Emperor Yi!” someone shouted. It was an old lady with her hair tied up in a massive bun that extended towards the sky like a few bowls of stew stacked upon each other. “The rules! She broke the rules!”
Mm? Me? Rules? What were they again? I forgot. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t break any! All I did was fall asleep, and there definitely wasn’t a rule against falling asleep. “I did not!”
“You killed Smiling Pig! You killed the whole Righteous Buddha Sect convoy!”
Wow. These accusations are quite brazen, huh? I think I’d remember doing something extremely evil like murder. And if I don’t remember doing it, then I didn’t do it. It’s that simple. “Oh really? Prove it. The fat baldie rang a bell that put me to sleep, then he and his cheering squad ran away. You must’ve fallen asleep because of the bell too.”
“You don’t remember anything, Lucia?” Quick Shot asked me. Is it just me or was that fear in his eyes…? Mm. Well, it’s natural to be intimidated by me! With all the noogies I gave him, it’d be weirder if he wasn’t.
“He rang the bell. Then I dreamed of something. But I almost never remember my dreams. So nope, don’t remember.” I don’t remember many dreams. Usually they’re nightmares anyways, so it’s a good thing I don’t. Ah? What kind of nightmares? Well, I’m usually trapped in a cage while someone’s cooking right outside of my reach and my strength is too weak to break open the cage. Or I’m young again and being whipped for eating a cookie. Or I’m about to have fun with Durandal, but he suddenly disappears into mini-DalDal. Wait, no. That’s reality. Mm. Once Durandal settles into a new sky-realm-ranked sword, I’m going to make him permanently wear a spirit-restraining rope.
“Alright. Well, due to unusual circumstances, I won’t disqualify Lucia. The Righteous Buddha Sect used a technique that they obviously couldn’t control, and they suffered the consequences.” Quick Shot shrugged. “The exchange shall continue with the remaining forty-eight sects.”
“That’s outrageous!” the woman with the giant hair said. What was her problem? I’ll teach her a lesson.
“I challenge the chosen of her sect!” For some reason, I’m really irritated. It’s probably because I’m hungry. But I feel restless, like my heart wants to jump out of my throat. Or like something deep inside of me woke up after taking a long nap and wants to exercise. Hmm. Yeah, I think I’m just hungry. I’ll munch on these chocolate pills that Ilya gave me.
“Don’t worry, Sect Leader,” one of the people behind the woman said. “It doesn’t seem like she can use that technique at will. It was the result of her sins, but the Sin-Devouring Bell is gone now.” The person leapt onto the stage and drew a sword. He wore a green robe that had brown markings on it near its legs, a little like little roots. “My name is Firm Sapling. Let us have a fair fight, Heart Devil Lucia.”
…Parents in the Immortal Continent must really hate their kids. Firm Sapling? Really? Well, I’m not here to judge people’s names. “Heart Devil Apparition!” Since I don’t hav
e a sword and I don’t want to stop eating, I’ll make the heart devil wormies fight for me. The apparition I summon takes on the shape of Durandal, including his sword, most likely because Durandal’s the scariest thing I know. …But what the hell is this? This apparition isn’t Durandal! It’s, it’s a predator? And the heart devil wormies seem a lot glossier than usual…. Did I break my technique? Before I could cancel it to try again, the heart devil predator pounced towards Firm Sapling and swallowed him in one bite. It chewed a few times, and then it disappeared. Firm Sapling fell to the ground, screaming. The heck was that all about? Oh! It planted a heart devil. That was faster than the Durandal apparition. But is Firm Sapling okay? I’ll inspect him real quick.
“Don’t come closer! I surrender! I surrender!” Tears and snot and piss and poop escaped from Firm Sapling all at once when I took a step towards him. Gross. “Sect Leader, save me! Save me!”
Mm. I don’t know what happened, but it seems like my Heart Devil Apparition technique leveled up! This calls for a roast aurochsen celebration. …I’m not making up an excuse just to eat.
“What did you do to our chosen!?” The nagging woman teleported onto the stage by Firm Sapling’s side. Hey. I thought teleportation wasn’t allowed in the city? “Die, you wretch!”
Huh!? What the heck? Branches shot out of the ground like spears. This is like Ilya’s dad’s spell. I know how to counter this! All I have to do is position myself in this strategically superior position, brace myself for the incoming impact, and give those spears a good whack! But I don’t have mini-DalDal…. But I do have this hammer! Hmm? Where’d I get this hammer? From the Bloody Bull Sect, of course! This was their sect leader’s weapon. It’s way too bulky and not nearly as heavy as mini-DalDal can be, but it still weighs ten tons, so it’s not too bad. “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Breaking Madness Blade…? Hammer! Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”
