by Virlyce
Softie pointed at the window. It was shattered and had a hole that was in a perfect outline of a person. Huh…. “Did I really throw a prince out a window?” I looked around the room, and everyone nodded at me. Well, in that case…. “What are you all waiting for? Switch back into the Bloody Bull Sect’s robes! And you! Witnesses! Swear an oath to the heavens that you won’t say anything about our existence!”
As the last disciple finished changing his robes, the door to our room burst open. A fellow with a torn cloak and scrapes on his skin pointed at me. How rude. “Elder Brother! She’s the one who threw me out the window!” Another person appeared behind him, wearing the same kind of cloak with the same kind of golden clasp. He was a bit bigger, and there was a nice-looking sword on his waist. Was that a sky-realm-ranked sword?
“Is this true?” the person with the maybe-sky-realm-ranked sword asked. Without warning, he raised his hand and slapped the back of the torn-cloaked person’s head. “You idiot! You lost to a woman and came running to me?”
“E-Elder Brother,” the torn-cloaked person said with a familiar expression. That’s the same kind of expression Ilya gives me when I keep something that she wants away from her! I think I can get along pretty well with this older brother person. Except he’s a bit arrogant. What does he mean lost to a woman? It’s perfectly natural for me to win any fight I get into! That’s just how life works. “She also incapacitated Guard Captain Fire! You can’t blame me for losing!”
The older brother person slapped the torn-cloaked person’s head even harder. “How dumb are you!? She defeated a sky-realm expert and you want me to fight her!?” The older brother snorted before smiling at me. “Greetings, great expert. I am Second Prince Heavy Sky. I apologize if my younger brother offended you. His eyes are worthless just like the rest of him.”
Wow. That’s pretty harsh.
“But Elder Brother! You’re a sky-realm expert too! You can’t lose to her!”
“Moron! You want two sky-realm experts to fight in the capital? Your brain has completely rotted from chasing women all day! Go back to the palace and await your punishment when Father finds out about this.” The older brother grabbed the person with the torn cloak by the back of his neck and tossed him out the window. Amazingly, the screaming person passed straight through without breaking anymore glass, fitting perfectly into the hole that was already there. Well, that confirms it. A person, who had the same exact shape as that person, was thrown out the window by someone in this room before. I’m not saying it was me; I’m just saying it happened. Mhm.
The older brother nodded at me. Then he looked at Softie and raised an eyebrow. He grunted. “I roughly understand everything that happened now. Enjoy your meal.”
“Wait!” You can’t leave yet!
“Was there something else?”
“Is that a sky-realm-ranked sword?” I pointed at the fancy sword hanging from his waist.
“This?” The older brother touched his sword and shook his head. “No, it’s a single step below. Of the princes, only my older brother, the crown prince, has a sky-realm-ranked sword.”
“Oh. This crown prince person. Where’s he at?” I found a lead! Just you wait, Durandal. Don’t think I’ll let you off easy for lying to me about not being sterile! Thankfully, Ilya said she can create some things to make him virile, but she’d have to do a lot of experimenting since she wasn’t sure if it’d work on a weapon spirit.
The older brother, no, younger brother? Hmm. What was his name? Fat Sky? Right. Fat Sky’s expression darkened. “He’s positioned at the Gates of Hell.”
What. “…He’s dead?” Then this’ll be a piece of cake! Robbing someone’s grave is a whole lot easier than robbing someone who’s still alive.
“The Gates of Hell is the battlefield I was telling you about,” Softie whispered to me. “The continuous one between the two countries, remember?”
Oh, right. That. Hah. I guess the world doesn’t want me to have it easy, huh? Why couldn’t it just let me rob a grave for a sword?
Fat Sky coughed. “Were you hoping to join his faction?”
“Faction? I just want to steal his sword!” …Did I say that out loud?
“You said that out loud,” Ilya said.
Thanks, mind reader. “Ah-ha-ha, I mean, inspect! I just want to inspect his sword!”
Fat Sky’s expression lightened as he smiled. “If all you want to do is inspect his sword, I can give you a recommendation to join the army under his command. You’ve defeated Guard Captain Fire; no one will question your qualifications.”
“Really? You’ll do that?” I guess the world does want to help me after all. Sky-realm-ranked sword, here I come!
Chapter 17
Is this the room? Fat Sky told me to come here to report to the guard captain that I’m going to the Gates of Hell to aid the crown prince.
“…lucky that your injuries are only physical. Your meridians were left intact, and your cultivation was unharmed, but your organs are a mess. Continue taking these pills every day before you go to sleep and refrain from using qi for the next three weeks.”
Yup! It sounds like this is the room. The door opened, and a man with a white beard and white robes stepped outside. He frowned at me as his eyebrows slanted, almost touching each other in the center of his head. “The patient is severely injured and needs his rest. Go back and come see him tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Before, the old Lucia without the necklace of intelligence would ignore the man and barge into the room anyways. But the smarter and improved Lucia isn’t as stupid! I love this necklace.
“Aren’t you going back?”
“I’m waiting for you to leave first, so I can ignore your advice and see him without you judging me.” That’s right! I’m considerate now. This necklace is telling me that life’s easier with less enemies. And to make less enemies, you have to be considerate. Mhm. So hurry up and scram, old man! I’m a busy person.
“Well, I’m just a doctor,” the old man said and shook his head. “Your captain will punish you appropriately.” He reached over to the side and retrieved a white bag which he slung over his shoulder before closing the door. As he made his way down the hall, he called out, “Remember, Captain Fire, refrain from using your qi for three weeks if you want a full recovery.”
Once the old man rounded a corner, I kicked open the door and hopped inside. “Lucia Fluffytail of the Shadow Devil Sect reporting for duty!” Inside the room, there was a bed with something that looked like a mummy on top of it. It was completely wrapped in bandages, but there was a tiny gap for two black eyes to see out of. Once the eyes saw me, they rolled up and turned white as the mummy twitched and spasmed. And, somewhere, a heart devil grew. Hmm. “Guard Captain Fiercey? Is that you? I’m here to report for duty!”
There still wasn’t any response, so I went over to the side of the bed and reached out to gently shake the mummy awake. He screamed when I touched him. “Have you come to finish me off!?”
Eh…. Don’t tell me he’s seen through my disguise! “What are you talking about, Fiercey?” Fat Sky told me the guard captain’s name was Fierce Fire, but Fiercey sounds so much better, no? “This is the first time we’ve met.”
“W-what do you want from me!?” Tears poured out of Fiercey’s eyes, soaking the bandages on his cheeks. “Haven’t you taken enough!? Kill me! Just kill me! Is that what you want? To see me die!?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Captain Fiercey, you’re overreacting.” It doesn’t seem like my plan is working…. Where did I go wrong? I’m wearing my pink and black robe instead of the Bloody Bull Sect’s grey robes. Neither Ilya nor Softie are here with me just in case he recognizes people as extremely conspicuous as them. And my hammer’s not … oh. I forgot to put my hammer away. Ahem, let me just store that in my interspacial ring and … done! “Ah, that hammer was, uh, I picked it up off the ground! It was just lying there, so I took it. You know, finders, keepers. I’m Lucia Fluffytail of the Shadow Devil Sect, and I’
m in no way, shape, or form related to that crazy Bloody Bull Sect person who beat you up. Look! Here’s my royal crest that I got from winning the King Province Exchange. See? See?”
Fiercey stared at me, but he didn’t say anything. Though, a yellow patch did start spreading throughout the bandages on the lower part of his body.
“Anyways…, I’m here for my earth-realm-ranked sword! And the second prince, Fat Sky, told me to come here to tell you that my squad’s been assigned to the Gates of Hell under the crown prince’s command.” I looked around his room, but there weren’t any signs of any swords. There’s a bookshelf with some books in the corner of the room. There’s a desk with a pretty, shiny rock on top of it. Ahem. Shiny rock? There wasn’t a shiny rock on the desk. There’s just a desk. There’s a wardrobe that I rifled through but didn’t find a sword inside of. And there’s a chest at the base of the mummy’s bed that was filled with clothes. I took the underwear. “So, where’s my sword?” I already looked through his interspacial ring back at the restaurant, but there weren’t any swords inside of it. I did take the sword he stabbed through my heart, but that was his sword, not the sword reserved for me.
“G-go to the armory…,” Fiercey said.
Hmm? The armory? I guess an army should have one of those, huh? I should’ve gone there first, what was I thinking? “Okay! Which way is that?”
“When you leave, take a left. It’ll be the second building on your right.”
Mm. Got it! With this bone of focus and necklace of intelligence, memorizing directions like these is completely a piece of cake! Take a right when I leave, and it’ll be the second building on my left. Easy! I can’t count the number of times I was beaten in the army for failing to follow instructions correctly, but now I won’t have to worry about that anymore—not like I had to after getting Durandal, but still. “And I’ll say you sent me, right, Fiercey?”
“Please, refer to me as Guard Captain Fire….”
Oh? How dare he not like the name I gave him after spending so much time and effort thinking it up?
“F-Fiercey’s fine too,” Fiercey wailed. “Please, hurry up and leave! I, I never want to see you again!”
There we go. Durandal’s handy-dandy staring trick works everywhere! It’s time to rob a treasury with the owner’s permission. Hmm, hmm, happy days. I never get permission to take everything; I knew being considerate was the way to go.
***
Lucia was filled with smiles when she walked out of the infirmary. Just seeing her so happy made my chest warm up. I took an empty jade slip out of my interspacial ring and recorded my memory into it so I’d have her smile with me wherever I went. After tucking the slip away into a safe place, I walked up to Lucia. “How was it? Did you get the sword? Did he recognize you?”
“For a second, I thought he did!” Lucia said before exhaling while patting her chest. “But thankfully, due to my quick thinking and intelligence, he was completely fooled! He even gave me directions to the armory and told me to take whatever and however much I wanted.”
“Are you sure about that?” Ilya asked. I nodded. The guard captain didn’t seem like the type of person to be so easily fooled. Lucia didn’t do anything inappropriate to him inside there, did she? I didn’t hear any screaming, so there probably wasn’t any violence…. “I still think I should’ve gone with you.”
Lucia snorted. “You have purple skin,” she said while placing her hands on her hips. “He’d recognize you in an instant! And Softie’s too beautiful to forget, so she couldn’t come either.”
“But somehow your ears and tail are completely fine?” Ilya asked, raising an eyebrow. I hate when she uses such a condescending and sarcastic tone to address Lucia. Lucia’s too slow to understand she’s being made fun of! I’ll stand up for her.
“There are millions of foxkin, but you’re the only person with purple skin around. Lucia’s right.”
Lucia’s head bobbed up and down. “See? I’m not conspicuous at all.”
Ilya glared at me. “Don’t forget there’s millions of women just as beautiful as you—or even prettier. If your looks are one in a billion, then there’s ten people like you in Kong County alone. Don’t think you’re so special.”
Why did this become a personal attack on me? Ilya’s so hateful! I can never win against her in a battle of words. I’m going to sneak a heart devil worm into her bath when she’s not looking. That’ll make me feel a lot better. There might be millions of women as beautiful as me, but only one of those women will slip a worm into your bath! I stuck my tongue out at Ilya before smiling at Lucia. “Are we going to the armory now? The guard captain said you could take any amount you wanted?” Does that mean I could get to pick out a sword too?
“Yup, he did,” Lucia said as she hummed to herself and turned towards the right. “It’s the second building on the left! I’m going to take everything inside! Wait, no. I’ll take the whole building too! I’m a genius.”
“The second building on the left?” Lucia strode with confidence, but no matter how I look at it, that building’s a bathhouse…. Was Lucia lied to? But before I could say anything, Lucia had already appeared in front of the wooden doors and dug her fingers into the ground. With a sickening crack, followed by the sounds of shouts and screams, the building rose off of the ground before disappearing, supposedly, into one of Lucia’s interspacial rings. And tens of dozens of naked men and women were left behind in the empty space, some of them still cleaning the shampoo from their hair despite the sudden disappearance of a water source.
Lucia stared at the naked people before turning towards me. Through the slits in between my fingers, I could still clearly see everything even though I was covering my face with my hands. I’m a pure maiden! I always looked away when Lucia stripped her victims, and I did my best to focus on that earth-realm bandit’s face when I cut off his … thing. Lucia scratched her head and let out a dry laugh. “Strange armory, huh? Looks like it had some special water inside that cleansed impurities!”
No, I’m pretty sure it was just a bathhouse.
Lucia looked down as if she were rummaging through an interspacial ring. “Ah! An earth-realm-ranked sword. Nice, there’s a lot of them. It really was an armory with special water.”
“That’s my sword!” a naked man shouted, but Lucia acted as if she hadn’t heard him. Or maybe she really didn’t hear him because she was so preoccupied with inspecting everyone’s property. It’s quite unfortunate for the army to have rules against stowing one’s main weapon inside of their interspacial rings—unfortunate for the army members, that is. An army member’s sword represents one’s rank and one’s oath to fight for the emperor and should be proudly worn on one’s waist. “Give it back!”
The man ran towards Lucia, but her tail swished and swatted him away without any effort. She didn’t even raise her head. “Alright!” Lucia beamed at me. “Let’s gather everyone and set off to the Gates of Hell! I’ll distribute these to everyone on the way. My squad can’t be lacking!”
What…? Lucia’s willing to share her spoils? She never does that! Was she feeling alright? Maybe she had something bad for dinner…. No, that’s impossible; her Immortal Poison Body prevents food poisoning. “Lucia? Did you say you were going to distribute those earth-realm-ranked swords amongst us?”
“Of course! I can’t use them all. I could sell them for spirit stones, but what’s the point? It’ll be better to use them to keep you guys alive. Mhm.” Lucia wrapped her arms around Ilya’s and my shoulders. “The last time I wanted to save resources because I was greedy, Durandal turned into a ball!” Her hand squeezed, and a piercing pain rushed through my arm. Did she fracture a bone? “Smart people learn lessons! Resources are meant to be used, not hoarded. If you guys died because of my greed, wouldn’t that be a bummer?”
Ilya’s eyes widened to the size of saucers as they met mine. L-Lucia was undergoing character development!
“W-wait! At least return our underwear!”
Lucia turned her head around and growled at the approaching naked people who were attempting to cover themselves with their hands. “What? I can sell those for ten spirit stones each! Scram!”
…Undergoing some character development.
***
And once again, we’re back on the flying boat. Ilya, Softie, and the ninety-eight other disciples were standing before me on the deck. All the disciples were looking at me with awe in their eyes! And some terror. Well, everyone knows awe is mostly composed of fear, so it can’t be helped that they’re a little scared of me too. “Alright! I bet you’re all wondering why I gathered you.” I didn’t tell them why; I just ordered them up here. Surprises are fun!
None of the disciples said anything. They were all looking at me, but it felt like part of their gazes were directed towards Softie. Too bad for them, I already told Softie not to ruin the surprise. And Ilya likes watching people as they wait in dread, so there’s no chance she’d ruin it either. Wait a minute…. Why are the disciples waiting in dread!? This is supposed to be a fun surprise! I’m giving them swords, not killing their pets! “Stop looking so glum, damnit! You’re ruining my good mood.” I pointed at the terrified woman standing next to Softie. “You there, laugh!”
“Eh-he-ha-ha-hee….”
…The fuck kind of laugh was that? Alright. My good mood is officially ruined. I knew everything was going too well: My perfect plan to attract attention worked. My perfect plan to pose as the Bloody Bull Sect leader worked. My perfect plan to take everything in the armory worked. My perfect plan to steal the crown prince’s sword is going to work. But the people around me can’t see that. Look at how terrified they are of going to the Gates of Hell! Ah, the woes of being a genius with no peer, no one can understand me. Except Ilya.
