by Virlyce
Hmm? Is that how you can tell directions? That would’ve been nice to know a lot earlier. I’ll keep that trick in mind, but for now, I’ll still deny everything! “The sun rises from the west.”
“…Then let’s head to western outpost 33421.”
“What? Why? We were given orders to go east. I’m not changing routes now!” This person is sneakier than I thought! Instead of trying to prove that the sun rose from the east, he decided to forfeit logic instead!
“I made a mistake. The orders were to go to western outpost 33421.” The green-robed person bowed at me. “I apologize for the miscommunication.”
…What am I supposed to deny now? I guess I can refuse his apology? “Mm, well, if you made a mistake once, then you’ll make a mistake again. We’re continuing the course!”
The green-robed person’s brow wrinkled, but it smoothed out in an instant. “Heart Devil Lucia, did you know that you’re a bit unreasonable?”
“She can turn a sky-realm expert into a boneless flesh jelly by pinching him. She’s allowed to be unreasonable.” Ilya appeared from the cabin door leading up to the deck. Hey. I’m a very reasonable person! Sheesh, I always have reasons for the things I do—like because I want to. That reason’s my favorite.
***
I’ve never participated in a war before. The Godking brought peace to the three factions, and though they threatened and postured at one another, a real battle never broke out. As the daughter of a duke, I’ve read a lot about wars and their effects on the economy, the people living in my territory, and the overall state of the world. So while my only experience with wars is through books and I’m no expert at warfare, I have a feeling—just a tiny one—that this is not how wars are meant to be fought.
“You two are making strange faces,” Lucia said. “What’s the paper say?”
Right. Lucia received an instruction manual on how to participate in the war from the navigator, and Lucia being Lucia passed it onto Softie and I to interpret it for her. And according to this manual, battles are conducted as one-on-one duels between two willing participants of the opposite sides. Not only that, but each soldier may only engage in one duel per day. How many years will it take Lucia to claim ten thousand earth-realm experts’ heads if she follows these inane practices? I crumpled up the sheet of paper and burned it with a fireball. “It’s a load of bullshit. Forget about it.”
“Eh?” Lucia glared at the crown prince’s navigator. “What are you wasting my time for?”
Softie lifted her hand to tug on Lucia’s sleeve, but I stopped her. If Softie told Lucia about these rules, there was a chance—no matter how small—that Lucia might actually listen to them, and then I’d be an old woman by the time I returned home.
“I’m not wasting your time,” the navigator said. “These are the rules of engagement between our two countries. Heart Devil Lucia, you didn’t even read the paper; please, don’t dismiss my words as nonsense.”
“Well, I can’t read!” Lucia smacked the navigator’s head, and his knees buckled as his face turned as pale as a sheet. His eyes rolled up into his head and turned white. Lucia snorted and grabbed his collar and threw, no, she stripped him at the same time that she threw him overboard. Lucia’s gotten really good at the most absurd techniques. How did she even manage to take his underwear too in that single motion? “Ah, finally. Some peace and quiet. That person really nagged a lot; I’m glad he finally gave me an excuse to throw him overboard.”
An excuse? “What excuse was that?” How is she going to justify her violence this time?
“He lied to me. That’s mutiny!” Lucia’s hair fluttered as she nodded and placed her hands on her hips. “Wait. Is it mutiny if he’s not a part of my crew? Hmm. Anyways, he shouldn’t have given me a paper filled with bullshit. Mhm.”
So it’s my fault. If I see that navigator again, I’ll have to apologize. But some sacrifices are necessary for the greater good. And my goal of going home is the greatest good in the world. …I’m starting to sound like Lucia; it’s all because she’s around me almost all the time! I haven’t even had time to myself to increase my circles properly. I’m stuck in the twelfth circle, which makes sense, I suppose. There’s the proverbial wall that exists between the twelfth and thirteenth. The only thing I can do is continuously and methodically circulate my mana until I break through. I think the fact Lucia forced me to attune to all the elements while traveling from the third circle to the fourth back in the desolate mountains was a lot of help in setting up my foundation. Most magicians focus on one element, and that leaves the unused parts of their bodies weaker than the rest. But it’s just a theory, and I’m the only sample; there’s always the chance that I’m an outlier.
“Oh! Ilya, I just remembered.” Lucia finished storing the poor navigator’s items before smiling at me. “What did you do to my arms? You know, the ones that the mean bully cut off a while ago.”
…She actually remembered something? I shouldn’t have given her that stupid necklace! It doesn’t even do anything except block illusions. I can’t tell her what I did with her arms because then she’d—
“Ilya. I want to see. Now.”
Well. “I, uh, turned them into jelly, you know, like Quick Shot’s arm.”
Lucia’s eyes narrowed into slits. “You didn’t eat them, right!?”
“Of course not!” That’s sincerely cannibalism and completely wrong! “Look!” I took the two pink jellies out of my interspacial ring. I’m not sure why I made them into jelly if I knew I wasn’t going to eat them. I could’ve used her bones and blood for something else, but when I actually started to refine them, I went on auto-pilot and turned them into jelly before I knew it.
Lucia frowned. “Why did you make them into jelly? Why not a stew? I would’ve tasted much better as a stew.”
Is it still cannibalism if someone eats herself? Wait. She’s having problems with the wrong thing! “I wasn’t planning on eating you when I made this!”
“Nonsense! If you weren’t planning on eating me, then why’d you turn me into food!?” Lucia took a step towards me, and a red blur flew out of the pouch by her waist.
“Moo! Mooo!”
And the jellies in my hands disappeared, replaced by a phoenix that had its beak stuffed to the brink with pink goo, its throat bulging from trying to swallow a mass that was larger than its head.
“This goddamn phoenix!” It keeps eating my finished products! “I’m going to cut it open!” I pulled out my knife, but the phoenix swatted at me with one wing. My vision filled with red and feathers before a spike of pain stabbed into my forehead. Then I lost consciousness.
When I woke up, I was lying on my bed. Next to me, on a chair, Softie was reading a book, a jar of medicine on the table by her side. Her eyes lit up as she closed the book and placed it down. “Are you alright?”
“I could be better.” I circulated my mana to cast a simple healing spell on myself to remove my headache. Right, a simple twelfth-circle healing spell should work. …But why does it feel like I can circulate my mana one more time for thirteen?
“You’re very brave for trying to stab an earth-realm beast while still in the saint realm.” Softie nodded. Was she being sarcastic? “If a phoenix was sitting on my arm, I’d be too terrified to do anything.”
Thirteen circles! That stupid phoenix made me break through somehow! Alright, it’s forgiven for eating the Lucia jelly. Now I have to figure out how that breakthrough logically worked so I can replicate it. If it happened, there must be a reason. I’ll figure it out no matter what it takes! …Was Softie saying something? My lord, I’m becoming more like Lucia with every passing day.
***
Mr. Feathers ran away. He smacked Ilya over the head and teleported somewhere before I could catch him. I thought the egg was enough to keep him hostage! Err, I mean, compliant! Right. Mr. Feathers and I have a great relationship! I hold onto his egg as a set of emergency rations, and he stays as my stuffed animal that I hug to sleep somet
imes. Mhm. But it was all ruined because Ilya fed him bits of me. Me! She turned my blood, bones, and beautiful skin into jelly! Not just one serving of jelly, two servings! Can you believe that? I’m so disappointed I didn’t even get a taste. Humph. If I’m going to be eaten, it might as well be by myself, right? Well, actually, Ilya’s cooking tends to suck a lot. Maybe it’s better that I didn’t get a taste. Hmm. Ah, whatever. If I ever need a soft and fluffy pet to cuddle with, I’ll just force Softie to stop cultivating and have her sleep with me instead. She’s softer than Mr. Feathers even though she doesn’t have any downy fluff. I still haven’t figured out why, but one day, I will.
But today’s going to be an exciting day! We’re finally approaching the real battlefield! I can’t wait to see it. I bet there’s going to be so much chaos that no one will even notice if I rob our allies. What happens if I bring back the heads of our allies…? Mm, the crown prince doesn’t look that stupid, so he’ll probably notice. It seems like I’ll have to stick with only harvesting the heads of my enemies. But this is what I trained for for the majority of my life! I was in the Ravenwood army for so long, being beaten up and forced to do all the menial chores while lugging around the equipment for the actual soldiers to use. With this experience, I know everything there is to know about wars! I might not have been in one before, but I’m smart enough to not need experience. A smart person will learn from their experiences. A wise person will learn from others’ experiences! That’s me!
Let’s see. The soldiers always boasted about what they’d do to the enemy while they were eating: They’d cut off the elves’ ears and make necklaces out of them. They’d make stew out of beastkins’ tails and force their prisoners to eat it. They’d string demons up naked, brand them, and parade them around the capital before ransoming them back. …But what would they do to humans? I’ve only met human cultivators. Human ears aren’t as long as elven ears, but I guess I can still make a necklace out of them. Mn. And humans don’t have tails…, but they have penises…? I mean, if you squint really hard at the right angle, you can pretend that it’s a type of tail. And I can always parade them around naked, but ransoming them back wouldn’t really work since their heads will be gone. Ah, maybe the other side would want their corpses to make jellies out of? I’ll try to ransom them back anyway.
“I’m sensing a lot of killing intent coming from that direction!”
“We must be approaching the battlefield. With this earth-realm-ranked sword that Chosen Lucia has bestowed upon me, I swear I’ll bring back the heads of a thousand enemies!”
“But don’t you think that killing intent is really dense? Will we be alright? Look, my knees won’t stop trembling.”
“You’re an idiot! That killing intent is oozing out of Chosen Lucia! She’ll lead us to victory at the cost of our opponents’ gruesome deaths! We’ll rip their hearts out of their chests and tear apart their stomachs as they beg us for mercy! We’ll gouge out their eyes and drink bloody wine using their skulls as our goblets! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Glory to the Shadow Devil Sect! Glory to Chosen Lucia!”
“…Has anyone else noticed that Brother Claw is a bit psychopathic? Or is it just me? It can’t just be me, right? Someone else has to have noticed too. I’m a bit uncomfortable following his lead. Why did Sister Moonlight make him fourth-in-command?”
“Fourth-in-command? I thought Brother Claw was third.”
“No, that’s Sister Ilya. She’s the one who gave us the revised and improved battle formations.”
“Wait. Why are all of you speaking as if me being the fourth-in-command is a terrible thing?”
“It’s not a terrible thing. It’s just not … pleasant, Brother Claw.”
“But Chosen Lucia is even more sadistic, psychopathic, and bloodthirsty than me, and she’s the one in charge, but none of you feel uncomfortable following her.”
“Chosen Lucia gave us earth-realm-ranked swords. Besides, I don’t think Chosen Lucia will have us do something as gruesome as ripping their hearts out or tearing apart their stomachs. At most, she’ll make us take underwear and interspacial rings off of corpses.”
These minions of mine sure love gossiping. They’re usually cooped up in their rooms, cultivating in isolation. They probably see another person once a week or less. It makes sense for them to gossip when everyone’s outside and readying themselves for battle. But what kind of person did Softie place in charge? He sounds like a total psycho! And he’s a liar. I’m not sadistic, psychopathic, or bloodthirsty! It’s not like I beat people up and chop off their limbs because it’s fun. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. It’s a harsh world out there, and the only one watching my back is myself! Durandal watches my back too, but that’s only because he wants to stab it when he sees me slacking off. …Why am I trying to find him a body again? Oh, right. Because I want children. Hah…, I wonder if my children will ever appreciate what I had to go through to give birth to them.
“We’re entering a clearing!”
Oh? Are we here? There’s a huge commotion beyond these trees! Faster, boat-carriage, faster! The sooner I get that sky-realm-ranked sword, the sooner I’ll have kids! I’m on a timer, you know? I only have a decade or two before I become old and wrinkly—I have to have as many children as possible before that happens!
Chapter 19
We’re here! …Right? What the heck is this? A tea party? “Uh….”
“Chosen Lucia, is this the right place?”
I think this person’s name was Brother Claw. Should I call him Clawy? But then his nickname will be longer than his actual name…. Mm, I guess I’ll just call him Claw. “I’m not sure. Where’s that navigator?”
“He was stripped and thrown overboard,” Claw said. He looks especially serious with that long scar running across his face. Where did he get that from? It looks like someone wanted to gouge out both his eyes but only had one knife, so he compromised and cut a diagonal line between them. Wait. Our navigator was stripped and thrown overboard? These minions are crazy! Why would they do such a thing!? What if we get lost, like now? Who was it? I’ll teach them a lesson!
“Who threw him over?”
“You did,” Claw said. His expression didn’t change, which was nice because I feel silly now. Did I really throw our navigator overboard? “He gave you a paper filled with lies, so you decided to dispose of him.”
Oh…, the navigator was that guy…. It’s his own fault for lying to me! He should’ve said something, jeez. Then I wouldn’t have gotten rid of him. Mm. Well, Ilya’s close enough to a navigator. She’s good at everything. “Where’s Ilya? Is she awake yet?”
“I believe she is still resting. Sister Moonlight is watching over her as well,” Claw said. “Sister Moonlight made me fourth-in-command. If you need someone to consult with, please, use me as you see fit.”
“Alright, Claw, is this the right place?” Wait a minute…. Wasn’t this guy the one asking me if it was the right place in the first place? Why am I asking him? Have I been bamboozled?
“We should pull over and ask that group of people,” Claw said, pointing at the group ahead. It was a massive, massive group. Even if I had a hundred hands, I doubt I’d be able to count them all on my fingers. They were sitting in neat rows and columns, making a giant human square on the ground, and all of them had teacups in front of them, resting on pillows. They were wearing the green robes, or military uniform, that the crown prince was wearing. They seemed like allies. Should I rob them before or after I interrogate them?
“Alright, I’ll go down and check it out.” Why are these people sitting around drinking tea in the middle of a battlefield? I didn’t get so lost that we went somewhere with civilians, right?
“Wait, Chosen Lucia, I’ll come with you,” Claw said. “Sister Moonlight said that none of us should let you proceed diplomatically with any party without supervision.”
Oi. What the hell, Softie? Am I a child that needs to be chaperoned? She’s the childish one. I’m older than her! When I g
et back, I’ll teach her how bad children are punished—with a spanking! Alright, I’ll grab Claw and teleport on over to…, I can’t teleport? Odd. Well, one good jump will bring me there.
“Who are you!?”
Oops. I landed on someone. I underestimated my strength a little. “Hi. I’m Lucia Fluffytail from the Shadow Devil Sect. I just wanted to know, is this the battlefield for the Gates of Hell?”
“Get off of me!”
There’s no space! I landed right in the middle of everyone, sheesh. If I get off of this person, I’ll have to step on a different one. Mm. If I hit him over the head and knock him out, he won’t complain anymore.
Thwack.
“Ahem. Like I was saying. Are you guys part of the army?”
“Commander! She killed the commander!”
…Hey. He’s still alive, you know? This is so frustrating. Why does everyone keep on ignoring my questions? “He’s not dead! I just made him sleep for a bit! Dammit, just answer my question or I’ll cut his head off!”
“How dare you attack our commander. Taste my Flaming—”
“Stop it, you fool! She has the commander hostage!” One person stopped another from attacking. Then he cupped his hands at me. “This is certainly the battleground of the Gates of Hell. We were performing our morning ritual before entering into battle. May I know what squad you are a part of? I’ve never heard of the Shadow Devil Sect.”
“Never heard of the Shadow Devil Sect?” Weren’t we famous? I thought we were famous. How come these people haven’t heard about us? Though, it’s true that I don’t know which sect he belongs to either. Hmm, I guess it’s fair.
“The Shadow Devil Sect hasn’t won the King Province Exchange for over hundreds of years. We’re relatively unknown. Though we were the biggest in Kong County, we’re nothing but a mere morsel on a very large dish.”
Mere morsel on a very large dish. I like this Claw person’s analogies! They make so much more sense than a frog stuck in a well. I mean, a frog stuck in a well’s basically dead. But the saying means something else—so weird, huh? And what squad are we a part of…? I think the crown prince assigned us to one, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Hmm. Softie should know! “I’m not sure what squad we’re in. Ask someone else. But we’re the direct subordinate of the crown prince.”
