by Virlyce
“Remember, stay close to me,” the smith said. Only he and Ilya came to the necropolis place with me. According to Ilya, a necropolis is a gravesite! Why do I sound so excited about that? Because bones! This is a necropolis made for dead immortals! I’m not sure how immortals die, but surely, they’d leave their bones behind! That giantest bone of focus was amazing. I’m consuming sky-realm experts’ bones right now, but they run out pretty quick. “We are heading straight to the Cave of Wonders. Don’t wander off. Though long dead, these immortals left behind many formations to protect their corpses and items.”
…Those selfish bastards. If they’re dead, they should relinquish their stuff without a struggle! Why would a dead person need treasure? Hah, I guess I won’t be getting any immortal bones.
“Halt! Who goes—oh, it’s you, Brother Bear.”
Where did this person appear from? She’s huge too! Are all smiths big chewy-metal bears? Hmm. She’s not missing any of her teeth. Maybe not?
“Good Evening, Sister Bull,” the smith said. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever found out the smith’s name. Mm. He might’ve told me, but I wasn’t listening or something. Well, I can always address him as hey, or you, or Mr. Smith. “This is Lucia Fluffytail of the Shadow Devil Sect from Kang Country. I’m taking her to the Cave of Wonders.”
“The Cave of Wonders, huh?” the lady smith mumbled. What was that supposed to mean? “She might have to wait a few years. The Tablet of Madness roamed over and planted itself at the entrance. Sister Mochi almost lost her life earlier this month.”
“Eh!? Is she alright?” The smith’s eyes widened. “Of all the places to show up, why would that cursed tablet appear in front of the Cave of Wonders?”
…So I can’t upgrade Durandal? I’m confused. If this tablet is what I think it is, then I’ll just eat it and be done with it! It won’t be the first time I’ve eaten a tablet!
The lady smith shrugged. “Sister Mochi will be fine. If the cave’s all you came here for, then you wasted your time.”
The smith sighed and lowered his head to look at me. “I’m sorry, little foxkin. It seems like the Cave of Wonders can’t be operated right now.”
“Why?” This tablet sounds like a non-living object. Why are they so scared of it? “What’s this Tablet of Craziness?”
“Madness,” the lady smith said. “It’s exactly what it sounds like. Those who view the tablet lose their minds. Legend has it, an immortal recorded the secrets of the universe upon the tablet. Mortal minds aren’t meant to understand the universe. Even if you’re an immortal, the knowledge will consume you and drive you mad.”
Hmm? “…Can’t I just close my eyes and enter the Cave of Wonders?”
“If it was a normal tablet, then you certainly could do that,” the lady smith said and shook her head. “However, the Tablet of Madness speaks.”
“Then I’ll plug my ears…?” I’m not seeing the problem here. And if I’m not seeing it, that means there is no problem! This stupid Tablet of Madness isn’t going to stop me from bringing Durandal back!
“The Tablet of Madness speaks directly into your mind,” the lady smith said. She sounded a bit annoyed. “What could you possibly have to do in the Cave of Wonders that you’re willing to risk your life?”
“Rebuild Durandal’s penis!”
Ilya made a choking sound. Was she drinking something without me? How dare she!? Oh, no, she probably choked on her spit or something. Like I said, she really did get a lot clumsier after becoming an alchemist. Eh? Both smiths choked too! There must be something in the air. It’s a good thing my body’s immune to illnesses! Ilya said idiots never get sick. …Wait a minute.
“I must’ve misheard you,” the lady smith said. “But I understand that you wish to repair an item, but is that item worth your life? The Tablet of Madness has existed for over thousands of years. No one has been able to do anything about it.”
“I’m not going to lose to an inanimate object! I don’t care about the stupid tablet; take me to the Cave of Wonders.” If my tail stiffens in front of the cave, then I’ll run. It’s that simple. But I don’t believe I’ll be defeated by a piece of rock!
“…I’ll bring you there,” the smith said.
“Brother Bear!”
“Sister Bull, Lady Fluffytail has clearly made up her mind. According to Crown Prince Single Sky, she’s friends with an immortal. Perhaps she has methods to deal with the Tablet of Madness.”
“Hey, uh, Lucia. This is probably a really bad idea,” Ilya said and tugged on my sleeve. Ah! She called me an idiot earlier! “W-what are you doing!? I’m being serious! Stop! That hurts! I’ll go, I’ll go!”
Hmm. That only made me feel a little better. Hmph. Why does she always say such mean things about me when she knows I’m going to hurt her? Maybe she likes…. She’s a masochist, isn’t she? That explains everything! I have to find a new way to punish her instead. Tickling? No, she’ll still enjoy that. Hmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmmm. Eh, well, I’ll figure something out later. There are more important things to do! Tablet of Madness, Tablet of Madness, get in my way and I’ll eat you! Unless you’re strong, then I’ll run away. There’s no shame in running, but there’s plenty of shame in losing to a rock!
***
If I die to this Tablet of Madness, I hope Lucia survives so I can haunt her. How can she be so unreasonable? I’m only in the saint realm! Lucia should’ve brought Claw or Softie along instead…. I know Softie’s also a saint-realm expert, but I’d rather her die than me. Not that I want her to die or anything; I’m just saying I want to live.
“We are close,” the smith said and swallowed as he turned a corner. “The Cave of Wonders is straight ahead.”
Oh? Juniors! How can you traverse upon the path of immortality when death is inevitable?
What was that? Was that the Tablet of Madness? It spoke right inside of my head, exactly like the other smith said it would.
“Mm? It’s been so long since I’ve eaten something that I’m starting to hear things,” Lucia said and pulled out a pre-cooked aurochs’ leg. She munched on it while the smith stared at her with a pale face.
“C-Captain Fluffytail, this is the furthest I’ll accompany you,” the smith said and nodded before stepping backwards. “The voice you heard just now came from the Tablet of Madness. Be careful!”
Can I go with him? Please?
Lucia finished eating her snack and blinked. “Hmm? Where’d the smith go? Don’t tell me the Tablet of Madness ate him!”
And she wasn’t listening. As usual. “No, he left. That voice just now was the Tablet of Madness. You heard it too, right? It said something like death is inevitable.”
That’s right. Immortality is impossible to achieve. All roads lead to death.
“Oh….” Lucia nodded. “Does this mean the tablet’s alive? Like it has a spirit inside of it kind of like Durandal and Puppers?”
“I wouldn’t know.” Lucia always thinks I know everything. But I’m younger than her and, in theory, should have less life experience! “But you’re hearing the same thing as I am, right?”
“Yup.” Lucia bobbed her head up and down. “This tablet is such a pessimist. All roads lead to death? Nonsense! The road to immortality leads to immortality. That’s why it’s called the road to immortality. Sheesh, just like Puppers, this spirit inside the tablet isn’t the brightest, huh?”
Lucia’s socks fluttered. “…Did you really have to take a jab at me, Lucia? You can’t read either.”
Lucia stomped her foot and placed her hands on her hips. “At least I can beat things up. You can’t even do that! So you’re dumb and useless, hmph.”
For some reason, Softie has been putting Puppers down in front of Lucia, and Lucia, being Lucia, was easily influenced by her words. I feel bad for Puppers sometimes. But I’m a little glad he gets abused too. Misery loves company, after all. If I was the only one suffering under Lucia, then I’m sure it’d be a lot more unbearable. Partners in misery….
I want to go home.
...Even the road to immortality leads to death. Everything you’ve ever accomplished will cease to exist. Your legacy shall disappear in the passages of time. When the sun and stars stop burning, the universe will come to an end. The heavens shall collapse and the underworld will implode. Once again, everything shall become nothing. Even immortals will not be spared.
“Hmm….” Lucia scratched her ear before looking at me. “Is this tablet stupid? It thinks the sun will go out like a bonfire or something. Now I know why it’s called the Tablet of Madness—because it’s not right in the head. Let’s ignore it and hurry up and fix Durandal!”
I don’t think you’re one to talk about being not right in the head, Lucia....
Do you think the sun is eternal? Like everything else, it shall eventually run out of energy. When that happens, everything dependent on it shall die. Immortals will not be spared either when the heavens fall apart.
Lucia sighed and shook her head. “Some people just can’t be helped. The sun’s never going to run out of energy. It’s not possible! Sheesh, this is why I hate arguing with idiots.” Lucia grabbed my arm and pulled me forward down the alley. A cave entrance came into view along with a glowing purple slab of stone.
If you don’t believe me, then I shall show you.
My vision disappeared for a brief moment. When it came back, I was surrounded by darkness. Below me, there was a massive green disc with jagged edges. I could barely see the darkness past the disc because it was so large, but I managed to make out some floating chunks of rock circling it. Encasing the disc, and me, there was a translucent dome. I couldn’t tell how far away it was, but the dome was dotted with lights with one light being especially prominent—the sun. Then, the sun winked out of existence. Darkness fell over the disc, and the green surface became brown, then black. Like brittle scorched bones, the disc disintegrated into tiny specks starting from its edges, merging into the abyss underneath. A few insect-like lights surged up, gathering together above the crumbling disc. A small beam of light shone out of them, lighting up a portion of the land beneath. The illuminated portion regained its color, flourishing with green once again as the rest of the disc disappeared, but the insect-like lights vanished in the next moment, and the flourishing portion crumbled apart as well. The translucent dome dimmed as more and more lights winked out of existence, and soon, I was left in complete darkness, unable to even see my own hands that I was sure I was holding in front of my face.
Do you understand now? The universe was born from nothing, and to nothing it shall return. In the face of the inevitable end, even immortals are like insects ground mercilessly underneath the feet of time.
“Ilya!” Lucia’s voice brought all the color back. I was standing in front of the Cave of Wonders again. The next thing I felt was a sharp pain on my head. Why was Lucia grinding her knuckles against me!? What did I do this time!? “You said this necklace prevented illusions! Of course, I’m too smart to believe what I saw, but it was still unpleasant to see!”
…No. That may have been an illusion, but it was a vision of the future. What you saw will come to pass.
Lucia snorted. “Like I’d believe a talking rock! You don’t even have a penis!”
What does a penis have to do with anything…?
What does a penis have to do with anything…?
My lord, my thoughts are in sync with this tablet. But if everything the tablet says is true….
I cannot lie. Continue on with that train of thought. Wouldn’t it mean everything you’ve ever done was pointless? Your struggle for immortality is futile.
Lucia hummed and pulled me along into the Cave of Wonders. Wasn’t she going to argue with the tablet some more?
I ceased communications with her. I conversed with a broken blade of grass once. It was more reasonable than that woman.
Well, can you stop talking to me too? I feel like I’m not your target audience. See, immortals might despair at what you showed me, but I haven’t invested anything in the path towards immortality. Quite frankly, I didn’t even believe in it in the first place. I’ve lived the majority of my life under the pretense of every living thing dies. This isn’t some amazing new discovery, and I’m pretty sure anyone from my pocket realm will agree with me.
You don’t feel despair at the pointlessness of your life? Not even a tiny bit of existential dread? You and everyone you know will disappear. There will come a time when no one will remember your existence. Anything you’ve left for the future generations will be lost, eroded away by the passage of time.
Eh…. If I really ended up living forever, chances are I’d be stuck with Lucia for that whole time. I think I’d rather be able to eventually die, you know? So, I don’t feel any dread; maybe I feel some relief? That doesn’t mean I want to die though! Please don’t kill me.
…I understand. My master told me to pass on his techniques to someone who’s strong enough to traverse the necropolis and able to comprehend the end without turning insane. You’ve passed.
“…Ilya? Ilya!? Why is the tablet chasing us!?” Wind cut my face as Lucia sprinted forward, pulling me along. From behind, the Tablet of Madness was flying towards us, glowing with an ominous purple light.
Stop running, please. This won’t hurt.
Somehow, I don’t believe that. Maybe it’s because there’s a giant spike made of purple light jutting out of it that’s cutting the supposedly impossible-to-cut cave walls.
This transfer needle is necessary to impart my master’s technique.
“Holy shit! That spike is massive! What did you do to provoke it, Ilya!?” Lucia ran even faster, her tail fur stabbing into my face. She turned a corner and abruptly slammed into a dead end. And since I was pulled along by her, I slammed into it too. That hurt! Lucia grabbed me and hugged me to her chest as the tablet rounded the corner, surging towards us. “P-Puppers! Human-Shield Technique!”
Puppers flew out of Lucia’s sock and collided head on with the flying tablet, stopping it in its tracks. …Did he die? It wouldn’t be the first time he died to defend Lucia, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. I really do feel bad for him sometimes.
***
Why is this tablet suddenly attacking us!? It shut up once I proved it wrong, but it must’ve still been talking to Ilya! Just how strong is this inanimate thing? Wait. Is it still an inanimate thing if it can move, communicate, and attack? Wouldn’t it be an animate thing? But it’s not living! Right? Hmm, what are the characteristics of living things? How can I tell if something’s alive? If it breathes, it’s alive. But this tablet doesn’t breathe! I think. If it poops, it’s alive. But Softie doesn’t poop. Is she still alive? Hmm. This is very difficult. Gah! Focus! The tablet’s slaughtering Puppers, and he can’t even fight back because it tore off his limbs! “Ilya! You’re a genius! Figure something out!”
“Instant-teleportation button!” Ilya pulled out a button and crushed it with her hand. Nothing happened. “Uh…. One-week shield!” She threw a talisman towards Puppers. A barrier of yellow light appeared over him. The tablet stopped poking Puppers and turned to face us. Did it work?
Pop.
The shield broke! It burst like a bubble! We’re so fucked; this is all Durandal’s fault! “Heart Devil Apparition! Eat the tablet, Replacement Fluffles!”
The black squirrel made of heart devil wormies leapt forward, its jaws expanding until—it died!? The tablet instantly skewered poor Replacement Fluffles! He’s been turned into a kebab…. Even Fluffles didn’t die such a vicious death.
“W-wait!” Ilya shouted as the tablet drifted forward. Why is it moving so slowly now? Is it taking its time because it knew it had us trapped!? Who designed such a sadistic tablet? If I live, I’m going to beat that person up and shove his head up his ass! “You said you wanted to impart your master’s technique to me, right? I don’t cultivate! I don’t have any qi. I’m completely positive I won’t be able to learn it.”
The tablet stopped. Eh? It
listened? I knew Ilya was communicating with it! This is all her fault. Right, let’s separate myself from her and try to bring as much distance between us as I can…. Like a dog smelling cheese, the tablet pointed its sharp spike at Ilya, turning its back completely to me. Phew. Alright. Now that its guard is down, I’ll pull out that massive hammer the smith made for me and, huh, it fits in the cave? I thought the smith said he wasn’t coming because he was too large to, wait! Focus! Focus…. And … swing! “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Maximum-Weight Breaking Hammer Madness Strike!”
…Did I get it? There was a really loud cracking sound. Why’s the cave so small? I can’t see what’s behind my hammer. I’ll put it away for now and, gah! It didn’t work! “Eh-he-he. I, I was just testing to see how hard you were, Mr. Tablet! Y-you can discuss things with Ilya now, okay?” The tablet stared at me. It didn’t have any eyes, but I knew it was staring at me! And that’s because the massive purple spike was pointed directly at my forehead.
If she cannot use qi, then you will have to do. After seeing the end, you did not lose your mind. Though you did not quite comprehend it, I believe that is good enough to fulfill my master’s qualifications. That strike you performed was impressive. I may have misjudged you.
…Is it complimenting me? I thought it was upset at me for soundly beating it down with logic. Why is it acting all buddy-buddy now? No, why is the spike moving closer to my face!? Dive to the side! “I’ll die if you stab me!”
Nonsense. This transfer needle is perfectly harmless and painless.
“You tore apart Puppers with that perfectly harmless needle!” Gah! I shouldn’t be shouting right now. It’s taking all my focus to dodge this giant spike! Mm, this tablet’s like a bee. They both have sharp pointy ends that, ah! I almost lost focus just now! Dodge, Lucia, dodge! No matter what, don’t think of acorns!
You’re mistaken. I tore apart that spirit with my edges. My needle didn’t touch him. And what exactly is an acorn?
“Eh? It’s the most delicious food in the world.” Phew. I barely managed to dodge it again. And with my perfect planning, I managed to position myself with my back facing the exit! All I have to do now is turn and run. I’m sure Ilya will be fine since this tablet’s focused on me.
