by Abbye J Leen
"Agreed" I say, entering my room to go get the portrait. I can’t help thinking that it’s been a while now, ever since Noah was last in this room and it’s been the same while ever since anything’s happened with our alleged stalker, too. I think that might be because people found out that Emily and I filed a lawsuit against unknown. Not that anybody ever did anything to actually help us out or keep us safe, but the fact that people know about it, well, it’s something.
***
"Miss Mitchell, this is truly a masterpiece, well done!" says the professor, admiring my portrait. I smile, satisfied with the result, then take a seat and wait for the lesson to begin.
Two months have passed ever since Noah left, Amelia keeps reassuring me about the fact that he’s not behind with his schedules, although I can’t stop wondering how he’s planning to deal with the football program... I mean, the very reason as to why he chose UCLA was because of their football team.
I sigh once again, heading back to my locker. I’m nearly there, when Cris comes near me, casually wrapping his arm over my shoulders. I don’t really tell him off, after all he’s not doing anything wrong.
"Hi Cris" I say.
"Hey, sugar" he replies, tagging along with me.
As we walk, I notice Olivia standing a couple of feet away, staring at us with a visibly grumpy look on her face. Perhaps she thought that football players would only go after girls who shake pom-poms and jump around in skimpy clothes all day, sadly for her though, reality can often be disappointing.
Cris leans in, putting his arm over my head and propping himself up against my locker: "So hey, darling, how about grabbing a drink with me one of these days?"
I swear, if he keeps using words such as "sugar" or "darling", I might just hit him in the balls.
"Thanks for the offer Cris, but I’ve got a lot of studying to do and -"
"Come on baby, it’s just a drink" he says, bringing his hand dangerously too close to my face. I stiffen, not because his hand is about to touch me, but because I can feel his presence behind me, before I even see him.
"You better keep that fucking hand off of her, Cris" he says in a threatening voice.
I can’t believe it. He disappears for months and now here he is, as if nothing were, presumptuously thinking that he’s still got any sort of right over me... Although the thing that’s truly stunning the most right now is not him, but my own reaction.
I remain completely paralyzed, my hand still in my locker and my eyes completely stuck, staring blankly at the book that I should have picked up long ago by now. My heart is beating out of my chest, I want to turn around and look at him, but at the same time, I don’t want to see him at all.
"Well, well, well... look who’s back!" says Cris, bringing me back to Earth. I slam my locker’s door and turn my back to both of them, refusing to stay there and deal with either of them. I walk away at a really sped-up pace, hoping and praying that Noah won’t come after me… although I know he is.
Of course, he just had to come back the one day I was finally able to smile again, didn’t he? Ugh.
When he catches up to me, as expected, I feel frustrated and afraid, afraid that if I look at his magnetic eyes, beautiful face and wonderful lips, I will straightaway fall at his feet. I feel his hand touching my shoulder and pulling backwards.
"Let go of me, Noah" I hiss.
He arrogantly places himself in front of me, because that’s just the way he does things, then puts two fingers underneath my chin and lifts it up, forcing me to look at him. The first thing I’m captivated by are indeed his enrapturing eyes, that fail to hide so much pain and sorrow, but I refuse to be so easily moved by pity, not this time: He left me alone for two entire months, sixty days in a row of pure, utter silence. Not a word, not a call, nothing.
My sight falls on his cheekbone and I can’t help but wonder what the hell might have happened, since it’s all swollen and purple in color. I instinctively bring my hand up to his bruise and run my fingers over it delicately, while he softly closes his eyes, cupping his hand over mine.
Noah’s touch awakens something within me, something that hadn’t been functioning properly for the past two months and all of a sudden, my gullible heart seems to be beating again. The way he’s making me feel right now is breathtaking, so intense, so powerful but little does it matter. I can’t afford to let him hurt me again, so I withdraw my hand from his face and turn my back to him once again. I know that he won’t give up, I know that he’ll keep following me until he can get me to speak to him, but right now, I simply don’t have the strength it takes to do that.
I don’t know what to do, I can’t outrun him because he’s much faster than me and it would be a waste of energy to even try, energy that I don’t even have anyway, so the only option I’m left with is to just keep walking as he continues to shadow me. When I finally reach my apartment, I immediately unlock the door and enter, without paying any attention to him whatsoever, harshly slamming the door behind me on my way in. I try my hardest to keep my emotions under control, as I lean against the door exhausted and slide down on it, until I find myself sat down on the floor. I feel like I’m at war with myself, but losing. The muscles of my chin start trembling, my face heats up and my breathing gets heavier. I look towards the window, as if the light could soothe me, but at last, my pathetic side gets the best of me and I end up in tears.
Noah
32
To say that I feel like shit is an understatement, when I saw Cris's arm around her shoulders I was blinded by anger, so I started following them. What else was I supposed to do? Surely my instinct was begging me to kick that fucking idiot’s ass, who was getting way too close to my girlfriend. I overheard her turn down his invitation and as soon as I saw that slimy hand of his about to pose God knows where on her face, I couldn’t help but block him.
I’m looking at Ellie now, still standing in front of her locker. She’s not moving, nor saying anything, as if she was completely paralyzed and I don't know whether that’s because she's hurt, relieved, angry or... happy, by chance? I can’t really say, but if I had to take a wild guess, happy probably wouldn’t be it. I haven’t looked at her in the face yet, but what’s already pretty evident from here is the fact that she’s lost a lot of weight and I feel guilty, because I know that I’m reason for that.
I run after her until I can get her to stop, then lift her chin up to make her look at me. The moment my hand collides with her soft skin, my heartbeat becomes so loud that I can feel it echoing through my ears. After a two months long coma, my heart seems to be finally waking up again.
I observe her carefully, she’s got deep, dark eye-bags and her eyes look dull, definitely not as vivid or full of joy as usual. She looks back at me, running her fingers over my cheekbone and I start breathing again: I feel oxygen slowly pervade every cell of my being, like a fish thrown back into the ocean. The only thing that I want to do right now is hug her tight and kiss her, as to confirm my love for her and yes, I do realize how stupid and incoherent this might sound, since I’ve been ignoring her for the past two months, but I can’t help feeling this way. When Ellie retracts her hand, I open my eyes, as if I’d just woken up from a dream. In a matter of seconds, she turns her back to me and walks away. Having to watch her go hurts like hell, but it isn’t enough to stop me.
I’ve been sat down against Ellie’s door for the past two hours now, caring less about the fact that I’m right in the middle of a hall. I surely wasn’t expecting her to come running into my arms and kiss me, but I didn't expect her not to talk to me at all either.
"Here he is again, the prick!" Emily hisses.
I look up at her, her hair’s tied up high in a ponytail and all of her piercings and tattoos are showing. It’s not that I don't like her style, I just find it a little bit exaggerated. She stands there, loudly chewing gum, as she gestures to get up and I do so immediately, finally feeling like I’ve found a way to enter.
"Get out of the fucking way
already, yeah? You’re not coming in with me, obviously" she says, before opening the door.
"Emily, please" I beg her, but she’s already turned her shoulders to me. As she’s about to shut the door in my face, she glares at me one last time, holding her palm up in my direction, as to suggest I quit bothering them both and seeing the look on her face, I might actually decide to do so.
"It’s too late to beg now, dude. She’s been suffering day and night for two months in a row now. She barely eats anymore, she’s not getting any sleep whatsoever and her academic performance is going to shit, all because of you. You could have at least fucking called Noah it wouldn’t have cost you a thing! Even a stupid text every now and then would have been enough to show her that at least you cared! It’s useless now, for you to stand out here like a fool, hoping that sooner or later she’ll magically step out the door and give you the opportunity to redeem yourself after all the shitty things you’ve done! You do not deserve her, there’s just no excuse for your behavior. You are not worthy of a chance to make it up to her, just stay the fuck away, asshole!" she says, cold as stone and I can’t help but remain absolutely paralyzed, in front of such harsh truth.
"I’ve distanced myself only to protect her" I try to justify myself.
"To protect her or to protect yourself, Noah? It’s pretty evident to me how you’re just a selfish twat. Don’t you know that your actions have consequences? You can’t just do whatever you want, at the expense of people that love you and then expect them to still be there for you when you realize what a mess you’ve made, that’s not how it works! Other people have feelings too, you know? You’re never going to change and I’m sure of that, because it was an asshole just like you who brought me into this very world."
"It’s not like you think Emily, please, I just want to talk to her" I implore her.
"It's not up to me to decide what you can or cannot do Noah, but I’m pretty sure that dealing with you is certainly not what she wants to do right now, otherwise she would have let you in already. If you really do want to talk to her, then you’ll have to earn yourself a possibility" she says, slamming the door harshly and disappearing behind it .
"Fuck my life" I say exasperatedly.
I screwed it all up.
***
Three weeks: a seemingly infinite amount time in which no clarification whatsoever has yet been given to me.
I rarely see her around campus anymore, she’s gotten pretty good at avoiding me. As for me, I don't exactly know what to do or how to behave, but I’m trying. I’m trying to give her space and I’m trying to keep my frustration to myself. I need her, the way I need blood pumping through my veins, I can’t stay away from her any longer and yet, I am unable to find a way to shorten the damned distance between us.
As if all of this wasn’t enough already, tonight I’m going to have to attend a frat party, too. The coach’s been rightfully putting me under a lot of pressure ever since I came back: aside from everything else, he needs me to spend as much time as possible with the boys so that the team can wholly reunite again. I have no desire whatsoever to go to Cris’ party, especially because Olivia and all of her friends are going to be there, but what other option do I have?
I put on a pair of jeans and then a blue shirt, running my hand on my neck as I do so, touching the most important tattoo on my entire body, the one dedicated to the love of my life, then comb my hair carelessly and head out. When I arrive over at Cris’ house all I see around me is a big, confusing mess. I purposely got here late, so that by the time I‘d reach, the party would have been closer to an end. Just like I thought the first person to greet me is Olivia, who’s wearing a skimpy white dress that leaves very little to the imagination. She swooshes her blonde hair over her shoulder, then nonchalantly runs her fingers up and down my shirt, smiling and bringing her face dangerously too close to mine. I immediately move away from her, the last thing I need is another rumor about us, thinking of which reminds me that I better stick to water for the night, I can’t afford to take any more dumbs risks. Olivia rolls her eyes at me and leaves without saying anything, sooner or later she’s going to have to deal with the fact that she’s got no hopes with me. I turn around and gasp, seeing that Ellie and Emily are here as well... I did not see this one coming, truly, I did not.
It’s impossible not to notice her, despite the numerous crowd and that makes me absolutely furious. She’s dancing cheerfully atop one of the tables with Phil, the asshole, standing behind her. He is way too close for my taste, especially knowing that he’s always had a crush on her, but still, I take a deep breath and try to keep my cool. I observe her, her long brown hair undulating rhythmically to the music, just like her flawless ass. She’s so sensual and her moves are so erotic, that she’s making me hard from a distance. I can’t even imagine the effect she must be having on Phil. I swallow the pool of saliva in my mouth, my gaze fixed on her body. She’s wearing a black dress that wraps around her curves perfectly, it’s so tight that every part of her body is discernible, as if she wasn’t wearing anything at all. From where I’m standing, I can't really see what the front view is like, but maybe it’s better that way. I notice Phil moving his hands closer to Ellie’s hips and it drives me up the wall completely: Fuck the space she needs I can’t take this any longer!
I walk up to the table she’s dancing on, put my hands around her waist, lift her, then bend her over my shoulders and take her away from there.
"Noah, put me down!" she shouts, punching me on the back, but I have no intention of doing what she's asking me to, not this time. I pull her dress down over her butt to make sure that it’s covered, I couldn’t stand it if what belongs to me and me solely was in plain view for everybody else to see.
As we step outside a cool breeze immediately strikes us, I hadn’t realized how actually heavy the air on the inside was, until now. Ellie keeps punching me, as if she was actually hurting me, when in reality all I can feel is a slight tickle. When I finally put her down, the first thing she does is slap me hard in the face, but again, that doesn’t really touch me.
"Fuck you!" I shout.
"No, fuck you!" she yells back.
I grab her by the waist again and may God forgive me for what I’m about to do, but I can’t resist her any longer. My lips start searching for hers, while she tries to push me away, but I can't give up, not now, nor ever. She attempts to wriggle herself free but the more she does, the closer I pull her towards me. I hold her, waiting for her lips to make room for mine until finally, she stops fighting it. The moment we touch, I feel in seventh heaven and I'm sure she does as well, because her tongue waits no time to lead mine in a passionate dance. We feel each other up thoroughly, in a way so passional, so intense, so desperate: We’d been starved of one another’s touch for so long, that we couldn’t be doing otherwise. Slowly she loosens up, running her fingers through my hair and pulling me closer. She’s holding onto me in a way she never has before. She’s holding on to me, as if she were never to let go again.
I keep my arm wrapped tightly around her waist, as I slide my free hand through her hair and bring her face closer. I breathe into her sweet scent, savor every little bit of her wonderful flavor, relish her touch. There’s just nothing more entrancing and mesmerizing than having Ellie into my arms, nothing. Everything feels ecstatic and wonderful, when suddenly, she stops and pushes me away angrily, looking at me with so much pain in her eyes, a pain that I’d never seen before. I don’t even have the time to say anything, that she’s already turned her back to me. I watch, as she walks back to the party and I don’t know what to think, aside from the fact that she is driving me crazy.
I decide to sit down on a bench nearby, waiting for Ellie to come out again, at some point.
I’ve been waiting out here for the past two hours but still, I’m not going to go back inside, I can’t even begin to imagine what the hell she might be up to in there. The more I think about it, the more nervous I get because I know what usually happe
ns, at these kind of parties. Maybe I should just lift my butt off this bench and go check things out, but just as that thought crosses my mind, I notice Emily walking out. I immediately calm down: if something bad had happened to Ellie, she surely wouldn’t have left her on her own.
She starts looking around, as if she were searching for something, or someone and she looks kind of agitated. What if she was looking for help? I have no way to know that for sure, but something about the expression on her face makes tells me so. I run up to her and the moment she sees me, she actually seems relieved:
"There you are! Holy shit, never have I ever been as happy to see you!" she says.
"What's going on?" I ask nervously.
"It’s Phil dude, he’s trying to take her upstairs. He says he wants to do ’stuff’ with her" she says.
"Impossible. I know Ellie, she’d never go with him"
"Noah, she's very drunk and he’s not quite a gentleman, you know what I mean?"
Ellie... drunk?!
Without thinking twice about it, I sprint on the inside.
Straightaway I spot them, Phil has lifted her into his arms and is now carrying her upstairs, where the bedrooms are. I start running after them, swearing to myself that if murder is what he wants, then murder is what he'll get. As soon as I'm upstairs, they’re nowhere to be found and I start panicking. How could she get herself into so much trouble?! I look through every single room I see and find a bunch of other people busy ‘doing stuff’, but not them. I can’t figure out where the hell that bastard might have took her, I even try checking out the bathrooms, but in vain.
I’m beginning to lose hope when unexpectedly, I hear her murmur something in a low and faint voice. The murmur is brief, it lasts barely an instant, but it’s enough for me to understand the direction it came from. I follow my instinct and wind up in front of one last room that I had not noticed earlier, but my blood freezes, the moment I try to open it up and realize that it’s locked.
